DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

Well done OP!

Never judge someone by their best behaviour, only by their worse. Judge a relationship by the shittiest way they treat you/speak to you, never at their best.

You are at a natural break in your life anyway if you've just finished Uni . Starting as a new graduate in London and single is great. You've got a great opportunity and isn't it wonderful you've not got to factor in his feeling into your life choices now?

Great update. Pleased your DDad is coming to get you.

Keep strong.

Don't take him back, before you know it the pushing will turn to slaps which will turn to punches & kicks, you will be covering the bruises with make up & sooner or later he will either put you in hospital or a body bag.

He won’t change and the violence will escalate. The relationship is toxic. You’re worried about him coming home and thinking it’s your fault which should tell you all you need to know about your true feelings.
You say you ‘give as good as you get‘, so you need to take a good hard look at yourself as well.
And to be frank, I wouldn’t fancy my chances as a 4ft 11 woman against a 6ft man when things inevitably escalate.
Get out while you can.

Dear OP,
I am very sorry that you have experienced this. Others have said it but please do not stay with this man. Go back home with your Dad.
I watched my father be abusive and cruel to my mother before he - thankfully - left and I cannot tell you how much I would want to spare any other person (woman) what she went through. Things started well enough for them but then steadily got worse. It still makes me well up now when I think about some of it and it was 40+ years ago. Hard as it is to envisage, it is vastly better to be on your own than with someone who abuses you. For that is what this man is doing: abusing you. You have shown a level head and great courage in getting ready to go, despite an awful 24 hours. Please, please leave him and then stay away from him. I am married to a lovely man (and father of our kids) who is everything my father is not, and you have your whole life ahead of you.

Well done OP, that’s wonderful. So glad your dad is coming to get you.
Also, you haven’t spoken to his mum “yet” - please don’t speak to her at all. You owe her absolutely nothing. She’ll try to convince you to take him back, blame you, minimise etc. Stay strong

Your last post brought a tear to my eye. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I’m so glad you posted and got the support you needed and are leaving. Loving someone is never enough, that person must treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Leaving must be so hard but the immediate heartbreak will save so much heartbreak and trauma in the future. One very proud Mum right here you’ve absolutely got this. Wishing you all the very best for the future

Glad your Dad helping you.
Do not get back with this man under any circumstances. He’ll give you sob story and so will his mum but you know it would only happen again and again ...

Good for you, OP. It will be hard, but in the long term you will never regret leaving him.

@Lozzerbmc

Glad your Dad helping you. Do not get back with this man under any circumstances. He’ll give you sob story and so will his mum but you know it would only happen again and again ...

Yes, agree with this, be careful.

Well done OP!

Please don't worry about the house contract I think you just have to give 1 months notice in a shared tenancy and I'm sure the landlord will be sympathetic.

Well done OP.

You are very brave and have handled this brilliantly

but it’s not hard to see that how badly I was treated as a child has meant I’ve grown to accept that if someone loves me enough, they can hit me and it be ok if they just say sorry
Yes indeed OP.
It's called the cycle of abuse - give it a google.
And with this step you are starting to break that cycle.
Only you can do that!
Well done, stay strong and get some love and support around you!

I'm so pleased you've made the decision to leave. And being able to see why you felt and act the way you did, in acknowledging your previous experiences' effects, goes a huge way to seeing your way out and ensuring this doesn't happen to you again.

You have your whole life ahead of you, but it's too short to spend with people like this. You are worth so much more, no matter what your past tells you - remember that. Good luck

@unsure141 When I was a bit younger than you I was with a guy while at uni who after moving in together (it made sense financially) started snapping at me. It started with really bad mood swings and it wasn't long before he started getting physical. By that point he had completely and utterly messed up my head. I was snapping back at him and started to not recognise myself. He was on anti-depressants and he kept blaming everything on his psychological problems. The arguments would always start from something silly like your Netflix argument.

Much like you I had no to speak to (I moved to the UK alone without any family or friends). Long story short and after being subjected to 9 months of violent behaviour, I managed to get out. It was purely down to the help of the police officer who took on the case. He was determined to get him convicted. And he did.

No matter what you do or you don't, in his head it will always be your fault. The thought of him in a cold sell being the victim is exactly what he has conditioned you to believe. There's only one victim here and it's you. Count your lucky stars that they neighbours called the police, it's very rare for neighbours to do that. I know mine didn't even though towards the end I was pleading for my life.

It won't be easy, you will have moments where you feel that you love him with all your heart and you will be convinced that he will change. But abusers don't change. Even after years of therapy, very few of them come out on the other side.

Take it one step at a time but speak to the police and see what measures they can put in place to protect you and please don't let him walk straight back into your life. You owe it to yourself to at least take a few days/weeks to clear your head.

Please listen to your friends, the witnesses, the police ... get and accept help getting yourself out of this abusive relationship. Because it is abusive.

Ask for counselling to try to understand why you accepted living in an abusive relationship and were looking for reasons to stay. This isn't healthy. You deserve so much more!

Please please please leave him and call the police if he comes near you again.

@unsure141 I've just read your update. I'm so pleased for you that your dad is coming to collect you. PLEASE do not let your Now EX talk you into going back etc, because he will try to contact you after this.

Just remember you deserve much better than this. Definitely get some counselling to help you unpick what happened as a child. Do that now, many of us have been through similar and didn't get counselling until later in life. It will pay dividends for future relationships. Always remember, put yourself outside of the situation and think about what you would say if a friend was going through the same...you would want to help them and you would reassure they shouldn't put up with that. Take care and please remember you are doing the right thing. Do not keep in contact with him. xx

This is very good news. Apart from your bag, please make sure that you also take any valuables and your uni course stuff with you! He will be in the flat when you are not, so take anything that cannot afford to lose.

You have done the right thing. Staying would not be the right thing for you or him. But please remember, there is no going back, no matter how sorry he is, no matter what promises he makes. Be strong.

Well done, OP. Keep going, one foot in front of the other and don't look back. You have done the right thing. Had you stayed, things would be ok for a while then the mask slips and things would be a lot worse and you'd be kicking yourself for not leaving whilst you had the chance.

Oh and if you were my daughter I'd want to give you a massive hug of reassurance that things will get better. xx

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying your update has gladened my heart. I hope that when you get into the world of work (or elsewhere) you find some really good, kind, female role models. I've learned how to behave/value myself from all over.

OP, I just wanted to add another voice to the crowd telling you you're doing the right thing. You are brilliant to be making this decision and I'm so pleased.

I get the pull to someone who has got their own issues. When you come from a toxic family, I think it really feels familiar in a way that is hard to explain. But the thing that saved me sometimes from repeating my parents' crazy life was the knowledge that I didn't want to have children who saw what me and my siblings saw or experience what we did. At your age I remember promising myself that my childhood wasnt going to control my adulthood and i had lots of therapy. As a PP said, I will always have a well of sadness about some of the family stuff I experienced before about 20 (mainly up to 13 but still toxic till I moved away at 20). But I have made an amazing life with a man who would never dream of hitting me. And even knowing that, it took about 10 years for me not to brace myself if we had an argument, as I always had this tiny fear that one day he would hit me. He's in his 40s and has never been in any kind of fight! But that was me expecting him to be my dad, and he couldn't be further from it.

You can overcome your childhood stuff. But you can't fix someone else. So whatever your boyfriend's problems are, they are not yours to fix. Stay strong. You can do this. X

Leave
Dont even have him back for one day. My 1st marriage at 21 started like this and ended up in the courts after I ended up in hospital. It NEVER gets better on ly ever worse and more violent. If only I knew at 21 what I know today. The violence escalated seriously when I was pregnant.
No man worth anything ever assaults a woman. Not ever. He is no longer your problem and this is very serious. Even your neighbours saw that.
He is my first husband in the making and I am lucky not to be dead after that final assault.

OP you’re doing all the right things. If you were my DD I’d be so proud

Dear @unsure141

I'm SO VERY glad you've listened to the very good advice, some from people whose relationships started on the same trajectory as yours, and ended sadly.

I don't have a daughter, but I was thinking what I did say to my little sister many years ago when she was in a similar situation. And that is love is not intimidation or violence from the person who's supposed to love and respect you. That person is supposed to care and respect you, and try to protect you from harm. Sometimes, if there is nobody in your life to do this, you must do so for yourself.

I hope you manage to stay away from him - that is the next test. Don't let him get into your head - instead, get support from your friends who so clearly saw through him and thought him to be an "arse". Succinctly and accurately put.

I'm glad your father is collecting you to take you home. Make a good life for yourself, OP, and try to stay away from people who would treat you as less than you deserve. 🌹