DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

I’m also glad you’ve joined MN, OP. Please for the love of god take heed of the advice here. A lot of us are talking from experience. Learn from ours so you won’t repeat them. There is always somebody here you can run things past before making your decisions because your boyfriend will be turning the charm on when he gets out. Would you want this life for your own DD if you had one?

Wow, really well done! So sorry your Mum hasn't been a good Mum to you. Please accept a huge reassuring hug from this mum here on Mumsnet instead.

You are obviously bright and open minded, and more to the point, very brave. You will go on to find really good friends in life, and learn more about yourself too. I'm sure you'll go far. All the Mumsnet mums are really proud of you!

Well done @unsure141 !

Well done, glad your dad is supporting you.
Please do the Freedom program- often mentioned on here - it can be done on line. It might help you to spot problems in future.
I see you mention his mother always minimises his abusive behaviour, that would be a red flag for me, I have 2 DS and they are very clear on my views on abusive behaviour towards anyone.
Block him and his mother on all phones, social media etc. Do not listen to apolgies, promises for the future. Your neighbours did you a massive favour. The very fact that you are worried that he will turn their interventions into your fault makes it so clear you should stay well away. Thats what I would say to a daughter.

I am the same age as you, there’s nothing normal about your relationship frankly. I would never stay with someone physically abusive to me, any guy i have ever been with would be mortified if they accidentally pushed me (let alone doing it on purpose!) Literally everyone I know that’s our age would consider your boyfriend a vile, top class cunt for hitting his girlfriend.

Sorry but I think you’re downplaying this incident. TWO of your neighbours independently called the police based on what they saw. It obviously looked more concerning than you’re letting on, they didn’t see it as playful banter etc. They were worried about you and were trying to protect you.

And the police are just trying to protect you. He needs a proper wake up call so let the police deal with him instead of asking them to bring him home otherwise he’ll continue to be physically abusive towards you. It’s really sad that you’re worried about his reaction when he does come home as he’ll blame you....you should tell the police that he might take it out on you so hopefully he can be taken somewhere else.

You are so brave. You're absolutely making the right decision in leaving him. You're overcoming your history and conditioning to make your future better.

@ BrightYellowDaffodil

Apologies, I've only just read the update. And yes, I'm afraid I do get very, very angry when someone is abused. Though I see I could've expressed it in a more supportive way.

OP, I'm so VERY glad your Dad is coming for you, and I'm so sorry I ranted...........I simply couldn't stand the thought of you minimising the physical abuse and allowing him to keep controlling you

You already know the right answer.
A six foot man should not touch a four foot 11 woman in anger.
You may fear him now.
But you will have more to fear in the future if it continues.
End this relationship immediately.
Or it will end you and all of your dreams.

I'm relieved to read that your dad is on his way for you.

Take any important documents with you. ID, bank stuff, tenancy agreement, uni stuff, etc. Also anything sentimental and/or such as photo albums and jewellery.

Tomorrow once you've had a bit more sleep call the pastoral team at uni and ask them for support with your accommodation and some counselling.

Two books were recommended up the thread. "Toxic Parents" & "Why does he do that?" both are very very good reads and I'd really recommend you read them.

As a mum. I'd give you a hug and tell you that leaving and never looking back is the right thing. That you deserve so much better and that years down the line this will be something you look back on with relief that you got out.

Take care.

Take his medication to the police station. First step.

Well done, you have absolutely done the right thing. Men who abuse women don't have much originality: they tend to all do pretty much the same things. So those of us who've seen abusive relationships before can spot the signs. These men are also very good at making their girlfriends/wives believe it's their fault.

FWIW, if you were my daughter, I'd have been straight up there to support you. I would have liaised with the police to get you somewhere safe and I would have given you an enormous hug.

My own parents took time to recognise what was happening to me as abuse, but when they did, they helped me move out - and I was married and had kids by then.

You are very lucky that the neighbours realised what was going on and called the police. It starts as a shove but it doesn't end there - and many abusive men use mental health difficulties as an excuse too.

You will have up and down days now and days when you want to take him back. He may go completely cold on you, he may lovebomb you, he may guilt trip you. Read through this thread to keep the strength to stay away.

There are many, many good men out there who won't abuse you. At 21, you have your life ahead of you. I wish I'd left my ex at 21 instead of waiting till I was 32....

Oh and yes nothing is your fault - no behaviour excuses physical or emotional violence.

Of course this is the end. Great you're packed. I said give them his meds because that is important for his MH.

It'll be fine. Xx Good you're ending this.

Well done on calling your DF. Tell him exactly what happened. Sometimes we want to keep abuse secret but shining a light on it always helps. You are being very brave and as PPs said if you were my DD, I'd be so proud of you

Well done OP. Stay away from him.

You're not a mental health professional, you can't fix him (and they may only be able to ameliorate his problems).

A man like this won't mean to kill you. He'll feel sorry it happened (mostly sorry for himself) but when your head connects with a hard, sharp corner at speed, after he's pushed you, that is what will have happened.

OP, take care of yourself. Hope you're well out of there, by now, and keep well away.

You deserve better. Nobody deserves to be stuck in a relationship where they are 'terrified'.

Take a bit of time, if you can, to heal and look after yourself. Recovery can take a while. Look up women's aid for resources on counselling, etc.

All the best.

I'm glad you've decided to leave. The next stage will be harder as you get used to life without him. But I promise he won't change so keep telling yourself you are worth so much more. Cry, watch crappy films, stay in your Pjs all day, go out with friends. Do whatever you need to do to be kind to yourself. Abuse is a hard thing to leave because the abusers draw us right in tight and we make excuses for their behaviour and are made to feel partially responsible when it's not true. Every time you feel like wobbling, post on here.

@mellowww

Take his medication to the police station. First step.

Why? Not her problem, his mum can do that.

Take his medication to the police station. First step.

Bugger that.

You've done the right thing. One of the biggest lessons I learned about relationships is that when the bad bits involve you being fearful for your safety, it really doesn't matter what the good bits are like. It's a hard lesson for many women to fully internalise but I hope this is the first step towards you doing that. Never let him convince you that your fear is not a reasonable response to his actions, because you can bet he will try.

Bad bits are supposed to be like "we had an argument and both raised our voices and one or both of us might have stormed off but no-one got hurt and we came back together after we had calmed down and talked it through" not "we had an argument over some trivial thing and my partner repeatedly assaulted me".

There are doctors available to the police and the perpetrator has family. I'm not sure I'd recommend a victim of DV to pop along to the police station to deliver his medication. In the circumstances, the victim should focus on her next steps.

Well done op. This is the right decision. Paperwork and landlords can be sorted.
Don’t worry about his meds he is no longer your concern.
Well done

I'm so glad your Dad is coming to get you. The most important thing for you to do is get out, and stay safe.

This part will feel surreal and like its not really happening to you, so take time processing this, I found it helpful to write down my thoughts and feelings when I was in a similar situation because I was all over the place. It helps, when the time is right to look back on this time and gain strength to move on.

You'll probably find that you're exhausted and emotional (totally normal) and will swing between feeling glad you're out and heartbroken that you've left (again totally normal)

Be prepared for an onslaught of pleading. Youll probably hear "give me another chance; everyone deserves a second chance", "you made it happen", "it's not my fault - my medication made me angry" etc etc. He'll be charming, pleading, loving, deeply apologetic and when that doesn't work will get angry.

My ex told me he had a brain tumour which was causing him to be violent, so watch out for the lies.

You deserve so much more, you've got your whole life ahead of you, don't look back, move on.

I'd be proud of you if you were my daughter. You have taken the hard choice in leaving him but this is the right thing to do.

A man who hits you once is likely to keep doing it.

It is never right for him to do this and it is never your fault (no matter what you did).

Never accept this behaviour. It clearly shows lack of respect and lack of love for you no matter what words are used.

You deserve better. Everyone deserves better.

Of course this is the end. Great you're packed. I said give them his meds because that is important for his MH.

The police can call a doctor for him. I know they do in cases like this because I've been an appropriate adult for vulnerable people in police custody. Or he can ask his enabling mum to get them.

First step is what OP did. Seek support, seek RL help, leave.

So glad you're leaving OP. Go and don't look back.

Don't speak to him or his mother again. His mum wouldn't give you the hug you want - she will be firmly in her sons corner.

Any medication your EX needs will be provided by police, so don't give that a second thought either.

I do think you've minimised what happened - your neighbours must have been very concerned by what they saw to call the puce. The police must have been very concerned to issue the 48 hour no contact order.

They've given you the time you need to get packed up and away.

Big hug to you OP. The only way is up now. You've got away, now stay away. Ignore any apologies or love-bombing.

Any wobbles, come back to MN - you've got an army behind you.