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Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
allinadaystwerk · 28/07/2020 08:55

Oh and keep talking to your mum and get your eye seen to. 💐

SeaState3 · 28/07/2020 09:18

I don’t think he cares about you. He certainly doesn’t care that he injured you.

You’re only 22ish, you’re not tied to this guy, why stay with him, it’s not going to get better.

TimeWastingButFun · 28/07/2020 09:25

When my kids do things like that, I always tell them to stop otherwise it will end in tears. It's no different for adults. Who started all this play fighting anyway, him? If he does it as a hobby and he wants to do it in the house too then he sounds far too obsessed and I'd knock it on his the head.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2020 09:26

You are in another abusive relationship.

If you stay this is only the start. Please get out.

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/07/2020 09:46

Oh OP, get that eye looked at, don’t take any chances with your eyes. Take it from a person who has had to live with the consequences of sight loss. It’s better to be safe than sorry with eyes, always.

As for your BF, well, he’s a wrongun I’m afraid.You really are worth more than this. Somebody who loves you respect you, respects your boundaries and doesn’t want to hurt you, either by accident or on purpose.

You do not need to loosen up or get a sense of humour about this. Yes play fighting is immature but you are young, so you will do immature things. There’s a bloody great chasm of difference however between engaging in a bit of good natured horseplay and deliberately not stopping once you’ve been asked and lashing out once you have said the messing around is over. Thre is no excuse for him doing that and I hope for your sake that you understand this and bin him off. It’s not the first time he’s hurt you after the game has finished, and when I say finished I mean you’ve said no, so this is not the first time this has happened. One time is too many and he’s done it several times, so he has already told you loud and clear who he is.

Don’t put up with this and get rid, you’re worth more.

differentnameforthis · 28/07/2020 11:11

@PumpkinP - Tolerate? Stop play fighting then. It’s so petty and immature

Op isn't play fighting. She is being beaten up, and he is conveniently disguising it as play fighting, sop she thinks she has a choice.

@PumpkinP - You know she can actually control it by not engaging

Actually op engaging is what has probably made it seemingly "tame" thus far. If he hurts her while she is willing, he isn't going to take her on-compliance as her signal to stop, especially as op has said he doesn't stop when she asks. It could escalate him.

So no, she cannot control it, because chances are, it would be a LOT worse if she tried. So kindly stop the victim blaming.

@PumpkinP - This is nothing like rape, don’t insult victims of rape, they both need to grow up!

Oh go away! You have no idea what YOU are talking about and the only people being insulted by anyone are those being insulted by YOU insinuating that the op is complicit in her abuse.

Rape and DV are all about control and power, so yes, they are comparable.

I’m not sure, he often starts it when he is bored. When I tell him to stop he doesn’t,

As I said, op. You are NOT play fighting.

Isthisit22 · 28/07/2020 11:17

Just read your update op. Please leave him and get your eye checked out. Flowers

user1493413286 · 28/07/2020 11:29

I’ve just read that he doesn’t stop when you to; honestly a safe word is not what you need, you need to get out of this relationship. Someone who hurts you and pretends it is play fighting and doesn’t respect your boundaries is not someone to stay with.

INeedNewShoes · 28/07/2020 11:39

This isn't ok and you know it.

I'd worry where this relationship will go if you hang around after this.

He's conditioning you to have things done to you that you don't want and he's already succeeding given that you're having to ask us whether this is wrong.

Stay with him and you'll probably be back in a few months asking whether something far worse than a flick in the eye is wrong.

FilledSoda · 28/07/2020 12:18

He's is not a good man , listen to your mum.
It's a shame you tried to portray it as play in the OP, your subsequent description is of abuse not play.
That's colouring some of the responses.
Leave him .

Myyearmytime · 28/07/2020 12:25

Dont call 111 got to local eye a and e if you have one .. go a and e if not if too far away the phone 111. Never wait with eye injury. Go now

AramintaLee · 28/07/2020 12:32

My boyfriend and I have "play fights" although I really hate that term because there's no fighting involved. We're both very ticklish so it usually revolves around that and we descend into insane giggles but the moment one of us says "stop" because it's no longer funny, it stops.

I think any sort of play fighting that involves flicking or physical contact of a more "attacking" nature is going to escalate into someone getting hurt.

holrosea · 28/07/2020 13:06

OMG listen to your mum and leave him!

You already have people telling you that this (and his domineering, must-win attitude) is a big red flag, his behaviour since only compounds it.

He hurt you after you apologised. He hurt your eye when you were giving him a kiss. He caused you injury and says you are moody because guess what? Getting hurt is not fun.

If you know what you should do, do it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 28/07/2020 13:35

Well...he's managed to make you believe that his physical power plays and abusive behaviour is play fighting!
He NEVER stopped when you told him to.....and despite knowing 'boxing' he deliberately chose to flick you in the face/eye!

He expected you to brush it off as an 'accident'....and you have been....yet the second you mentioned needing medical attention for the injury he caused - he starts acting like he's been wronged!!!!!!

He's beating you up and making you believe it's fun and that YOU want/ask for it!

pictish · 28/07/2020 13:52

Agree you don’t need a safe word.
‘Stop’ is as explicit as it gets, along with ‘no’. He understand both of those terms the same as everyone else.

iklboo · 28/07/2020 14:00

It does genuinely sound like he accidentally flicked you in the eye, haven't you ever gone in for a kiss with your DP and mistimed it and ended up colliding with his nose or some other part of his face?

Unless the OP normally kisses his finger flicking her in the eyeball can in no way be conflated with an accidental bump on the forehead / nose.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 28/07/2020 14:03

@KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband

Op, do you already live together?
I’ve been at his over the weekend so no we do not live together - I have some stuff at his but mainly I stay at my dad’s or mums. I’m going home today though.
OP posts:
MondayYogurt · 28/07/2020 14:13

he often starts it when he is bored. When I tell him to stop he doesn’t

He doesn't stop. That's it, that's the key. During his boxing there's a ref or a coach or other people. He would never be able to hit someone after the bout ends. But when he starts with you there's no reason to stop - because he doesn't respect you.

You can do better. Being single without a swollen eye is better.

FlibbertyGiblets · 28/07/2020 14:16

Really glad you're going home. Take care.

verypeckish · 28/07/2020 14:23

@Oceanlover1998

Understand the posts commenting on why we play fight - I’m not sure, he often starts it when he is bored. When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work But now I think we both need to stop. If he hurts me again it’s over
Has it ever occurred to you that he enjoys being physically dominant over you? And when you tell him to stop, he doesn't?

That's when it crosses over the boundary and becomes assault.

blacksax · 28/07/2020 14:26

The only 'safe' words you need are either 'NO' or 'STOP IT'.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 28/07/2020 14:29

@verypeckish Yes he enjoys being dominant. He always tells me how to do things and calls me bossy if I try show him how to do things. When we ‘play fight’ without my consent he pins me down or tickles my feet or squeezes my sides which I really hate. He has had a controlling background since the beginning of our relationship but he has cut that down as we broke up over it. He would tell me what to wear, not let me see my friends on weekends because they were for us. But he is okay about these things now, but there are still glimmers of his controlling side especially with the events Ive discussed on this thread

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 28/07/2020 14:30

@Oceanlover1998 have you posted about this type of thing before because there was an almost identical thread not long ago almost exactly the same as this one.

namechange12a · 28/07/2020 14:37

For God's sake OP, will you read back what you wrote please? He's a controlling, abusive POS and this is going to escalate.

KittCat · 28/07/2020 14:39

He's abusive...end it.

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