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Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 27/07/2020 12:32

He FLICKED YOUR EYEBALL?

I'd end the relationship. That's really upsetting to read.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/07/2020 12:34

Quits!! Stupid autocorrect

AliasGrape · 27/07/2020 12:35

Yeah I don’t understand the people acting like it was an accident or that because you’d accidentally hurt him it’s ok for him to ‘accidentally’ hurt you back.

You stopped, realised it was too far and apologised. He tricked you into thinking he’d stopped too, got you close to him and vulnerable by asking for a kiss and then flicked you hard IN THE EYE. That wasn’t an accident it was deliberate and intended as punishment/ retaliation.

Absolutely stop the playfighting, I personally don’t really ‘get’ playfighting and think it’s a slightly odd thing to do, but that’s me/ my relationship and in theory it should be doable if it really was play and you had good boundaries. But it sounds like he’s hurt you before ‘in play’ and this was certainly a nasty side coming out. So absolutely stop it, and if he doesn’t stick to that then you need to end it.

MadameButterface · 27/07/2020 12:36

@Hailtomyteeth

Get out of this relationship.
Yes. This. This isn’t ‘play fighting’, if he was truly ‘playing’ he wouldn’t use his greater strength and fighting skill against you, and he wouldn’t need to always ‘win’. This is how physical abuse and intimidation starts, he is hurting you on purpose and gaslighting you that it’s just ‘playing’ and that you are a willing party to it. Abusive men don’t need to hurt you 100% of the time, they just need you to be aware 100% of the time that they could if the fancy took them. Run run run and never look back
Crystalspider · 27/07/2020 12:36

It wasn't an accident though, he deliberately flicked your eye in retaliation

exactly this, you were close enough and trying to kiss him not play flighting, he knew in that second he would hurt you.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 12:38

Retaliation after you apologised and went to kiss it better?

Dump him. Now.

MadameButterface · 27/07/2020 12:39

I too am aghast at some of these responses, time was you could rely on mn to hold the line against dangerous and unacceptable behaviour from men, even that which women are socialised to tolerate

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:40

@Crystalspider

It wasn't an accident though, he deliberately flicked your eye in retaliation

exactly this, you were close enough and trying to kiss him not play flighting, he knew in that second he would hurt you.

Yes I agree. It was a total shock to me as I thought we were making up but then he hurt my eye. I think that was why I started crying
OP posts:
PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 12:41

I too am aghast at some of these responses, time was you could rely on mn to hold the line against dangerous and unacceptable behaviour from men, even that which women are socialised to tolerate

Tolerate? Stop play fighting then. It’s so petty and immature , I’ve managed not to play fight in any of my relationships, play fighting is for children

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/07/2020 12:42

Your eye is injured, get it looked at.

Think about whether you want to be with a bloke who

is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move

is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me

He often goes too far when play fighting

often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

He is trying to push your boundaries and glories in overpowering you. Horrid man, dangerous too.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 12:42

If he practices boxing, he should be able to control his hits to never hurt you at all.
That's not play fighting, btw.
That's him finding an excuse to physically dominate you and keep you in your place.
And you can't accuse him of being an abusive person. Because it's all playing. Hmm

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:43

Understand the posts commenting on why we play fight - I’m not sure, he often starts it when he is bored. When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work
But now I think we both need to stop. If he hurts me again it’s over

OP posts:
Tappering · 27/07/2020 12:44

It wasn't an accident though, was it?

He asked you to kiss his cheek better, and used your proximity as an opportunity to hurt your eye. Despite the fact that you'd apologised. He could not miss the opportunity to put you in your place by having the last move.

He then crapped himself when you moved away and were upset, because presumably somewhere in his tiny little mind, it occurred to him that deliberately hurting someone is abusive behaviour.

I'd bin him off. My DH is considerably stronger than me but knows that, and consequently is very careful. If this is how your boyfriend behaves with you, can you imagine how he'd react with a child who wanted to play fight?

Clymene · 27/07/2020 12:44

He deliberately hurt you. He was punishing you for flicking his face.

You are playing with fire with your play-fighting - read back what you wrote: "it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move."

"He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries."

He is abusive - he is ignoring your boundaries and hurting you.

Who started the 'play' fighting?

Tappering · 27/07/2020 12:45

He play fights and doesn't stop when you don't want to. WTF?

You realise this is abuse, right? Someone pushing and shoving at you when you don't want them to, is assault. If he doesn't respect the word 'no' or 'stop' then what makes you think he'd pay attention to a safe word?

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/07/2020 12:46

Okay. You saying stop doesn't work. Think about that carefully. You say no, he carries on. Join the dots. I'm so sorry.

SinkGirl · 27/07/2020 12:46

One of my twins hit me in the eyeball by mistake when I was putting him into his car seat. Wasn’t even very hard. I had to go to the hospital - I had a really nasty injury to my cornea and needed treatment and it has never healed properly.

Flicking someone in the eye is beyond stupid and dangerous. The fact that he doesn’t respect your boundaries is very concerning and I definitely wouldn’t be play fighting with someone prone to do things I don’t like if he gets hurt accidentally.

Go to the eye hospital and while you’re there reconsider whether this is a healthy relationship

MadameButterface · 27/07/2020 12:46

@PumpkinP

I too am aghast at some of these responses, time was you could rely on mn to hold the line against dangerous and unacceptable behaviour from men, even that which women are socialised to tolerate

Tolerate? Stop play fighting then. It’s so petty and immature , I’ve managed not to play fight in any of my relationships, play fighting is for children

Guess what, different people like different things. What is worrying is the glut of people who are more concerned with showing how mature and superior and better at relationships they are that they are missing the massive glaring red flags here, where a previously abused woman is now being conditioned to accept abuse in a subsequent relationship
CheshireCats · 27/07/2020 12:46

You need to leave.

Clymene · 27/07/2020 12:47

Cross-posted.

He is abusive - he and he is hurting you under the pretext of it being play and doesn't stop when you tell him to.

He is no better than your last boyfriend I'm afraid. If I were you, I'd look into the Freedom Programme and be on your own for a bit. You're only early 20s and you need to get out of the pattern of choosing abusive men before it becomes impossible to break.

Tappering · 27/07/2020 12:49

Oh and if your eye is swollen you need to get it checked out. Scratches and infections can be really nasty and you don't want to end up with permanent damage to your vision. You need to see a doctor ASAP.

ginderella20 · 27/07/2020 12:49

He deliberately aimed for your eye in retaliation.

That makes him either abusive or idiotic.

Which of these is acceptable to you?

Lweji · 27/07/2020 12:49

When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work
If this was sex, he'd be a rapist. Think about it. If he hurts you after you say stop, it's domestic violence. Pure and simple.

But now I think we both need to stop. If he hurts me again it’s over

You don't need to stop because he starts it. You can't control him.
He WILL hurt you again. But it will be "playing".

The time to leave is right now.

Lozzerbmc · 27/07/2020 12:49

You cant really accidentally flick someone in the eye. Thats really bad. Hes clearly v aggressive if he wants to play fight. Your not two 10 year old boys!

Bedsheets4knickers · 27/07/2020 12:50

You need to grow up , both of you .