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Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
crankysaurus · 28/07/2020 14:49

Yep, you're better (permanently) out of this, but I think you know this. Given you've broken up before and you've gone back, expect a whole lot of apology again but know it won't change things long term.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 28/07/2020 15:11

This is not what a loving and supportive relationship looks like.

Comtesse · 28/07/2020 15:26

This is not ok. It has gone too far. He does not sound like a safe person to be around. Hope your eye is feeling better?

BertiesLanding · 28/07/2020 15:38

[quote Oceanlover1998]@verypeckish Yes he enjoys being dominant. He always tells me how to do things and calls me bossy if I try show him how to do things. When we ‘play fight’ without my consent he pins me down or tickles my feet or squeezes my sides which I really hate. He has had a controlling background since the beginning of our relationship but he has cut that down as we broke up over it. He would tell me what to wear, not let me see my friends on weekends because they were for us. But he is okay about these things now, but there are still glimmers of his controlling side especially with the events Ive discussed on this thread[/quote]
Oceanlover1998. You actually do know what to do - you really do. But you don't trust yourself enough to do it. So, right now, if you can't trust yourself, trust the myriad posts on here who are telling you this:

  • He is abusive
  • Please leave him

And then consider some kind of intervention - counselling, therapy - to help you stop choosing abusive men.

LIZS · 28/07/2020 15:49

What you consider play fighting is not generally considered normal or acceptable in a mutually loving relationship. He deliberately hurt you by deceit - you thought you were making up - not by accident. Yet he has you believing it was, and somehow your fault. Next time it could be more serious, quit while you still can.

iano · 28/07/2020 15:50

Good grief this is really not on OP. What do you need him to do for you to see he's an abuser.
Please leave him! You're not safe.
Go get your eye checked and call a friend. You cannot love someone into becoming a better person. It doesn't work. Stop trying!

octobersky19 · 28/07/2020 15:55

Just stop play fighting

Lweji · 28/07/2020 16:02

Oh dear!

His so called play fighting is clearly to punish you in his mind. And control you.

Even if you manage to stop this, he'll find another way. Perhaps in a more subtle way. Perhaps not.

You do need to leave now.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/07/2020 16:02

For fuck's sake.

Really, this thread should well have opened your eyes. If you stay with this cocky aggressive piece of rapey/abusive shit, you're a fool.

He's unpleasant, controlling, violent, oh, and I tell you what we can also say without a shadow of a doubt - he will also be stupid and boring. Because abusive men are stunted and thick by nature. No chance of a mutually fun, supportive, happy relationship. Just walking on eggshells around Mr Muscle Bellend. Yuk.

Have some bloody sense and get rid of the loser.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 28/07/2020 16:29

If you tell him he is hurting you and he doesn't immediately stop then you are not play fighting you are being abused by your partner

MactheRover · 28/07/2020 16:37

He is a world class cunt OP. Get rid of him, he is dangerous.

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/07/2020 16:51

OP you cannot change somebody, Try as you might it’s completely beyond your capability to do so. People are who they are and they will remain so until they decide themselves that they want to be different, and even then it’s not easy. It doesn’t sound very much to me like he wants to be different and it’s not within your power to convince him otherwise. If you need to even try to change a partner then they aren’t good enough for you.

Listen to your mum, listen to the women on this thread. You deserve a partner who is worthy of you, and this arsehole isn’t anywhere near worthy of you.

LannieDuck · 28/07/2020 16:55

He has had a controlling background since the beginning of our relationship but he has cut that down as we broke up over it.

Am I right that you've only been together 10 months? And you've already broken up with him once about his controlling behaviour?

This isn't a relationship to try and save, OP.

LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh · 28/07/2020 17:27

I'm so sorry but you two should split. He's a dickhead.
I think you should do the Freedom programme (free online) to strengthen your boundaries so the next time you meet one like this, you know to tell them to fuck off before getting into a relationship.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 28/07/2020 17:29

@LannieDuck

He has had a controlling background since the beginning of our relationship but he has cut that down as we broke up over it.

Am I right that you've only been together 10 months? And you've already broken up with him once about his controlling behaviour?

This isn't a relationship to try and save, OP.

Yes we broke up not even that long ago maybe about 6 weeks ago. He seems to sweep every argument under the carpet and completely forget about it which I find bizarre, when I bring up about his controlling ways he says he is a different person now, but you cannot just forget about these things
OP posts:
LexMitior · 28/07/2020 17:48

He doesn’t forget. He likes to see you struggle to. Just like he enjoys seeing you struggle when he holds you down.

Understand that he enjoys seeing you struggle. It’s not love.

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/07/2020 17:58

OP after witnessing all his behaviour and everything you’ve written on here do you think he’s a different person?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/07/2020 18:50

He wants you to operate off of his brain. Nope. Trust your own brain. If you can't, then defer to someone you know is on your side ...Your mum.

Quartz2208 · 28/07/2020 19:31

6 weeks does not a different person make OP

He is abusive and controlling and I would run for the hills

iklboo · 28/07/2020 19:43

Sorry OP but there's a chance this could escalate. Not saying it definitely will - but it might. Please leave him now.

Eddielzzard · 28/07/2020 23:16

he says he is a different person now

It just doesn't work that way. You don't decide you're not going to be like x any more. We all know how hard it is to work on ourselves, why would him saying a sentence make it true?

He will revert to his controlling ways if you continue this relationship, only with added violence. Not a great picture is it?

pallisers · 28/07/2020 23:26

You weren't playfighting with your partner when he tried to damage your eye. You were apologising to him and kissing him. And he flicked you in the eyeball (really dangerous by the way).

I'd be gone gone gone.

And by the way you aren't "playfighting" anyway. He instigates, he dominates, he hurts, he refuses to stop, he holds you down and does things you don't like. That isn't play fighting. That is a man getting a sick kick out of physically hurting a woman and getting an even sicker kick out of making her think this is some sort of romantic playfulness that everyone does. It isn't. they don't. he is bad for you. Treat yourself better than this.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/07/2020 06:01

Controlling men don't stop being controlling without a shitload of therapy, and even then, most don't.
Your man says he's a different person but he's clearly not. Are you going to put up with this forever?

Tinamou · 29/07/2020 06:24

Please dump him now OP and find a kind man who listens to you.

differentnameforthis · 29/07/2020 06:58

[quote Oceanlover1998]@verypeckish Yes he enjoys being dominant. He always tells me how to do things and calls me bossy if I try show him how to do things. When we ‘play fight’ without my consent he pins me down or tickles my feet or squeezes my sides which I really hate. He has had a controlling background since the beginning of our relationship but he has cut that down as we broke up over it. He would tell me what to wear, not let me see my friends on weekends because they were for us. But he is okay about these things now, but there are still glimmers of his controlling side especially with the events Ive discussed on this thread[/quote]
OK, so you broke up and now are back together...he is better?

So what he did, was rush in with the controlling shit and when you kicked off he realised he had moved too fast with his bs. Now you are back together, he has "relaxed" but is finding ways to punish you that aren't so obvious... "playfighting" being one.

He will escalate again, op. Only he will be playing the long game, and by the time it catches you again, if you do nothing now, you may well be married and/or pregnant. Please be careful.