Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

[Oceanlover1998]

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

How do I end it? Last time I did it over message but he kicked off then when he realised I was serious he sent flowers, a letter, chocolate and sweets and a teddy. He showed up at my house with all this stuff. I let him in to talk and he literally would not leave me alone trying to hug me kiss me etc and he was crying his eyes out
I’m not sure how I should do it face to face or over text again? I know he is going to kick off either way

Don't do it face to face. Don't accept any gifts from him, don't let him in to talk. If he turns up, tell him to leave and if he doesn't, call the police.

Invite a friend/family member over, send him a message, tell him it's over and you don't want to see him. If he comes over, repeat that you don't want to talk to him, don't let him in, and if he kicks off then call the police. And remember, "No." is a full sentence. You don't need to give a reason. If he keeps asking to come in and asking why, just repeat you don't want him there. After a while he should get bored of asking the same question in different ways if he is only getting the same response. Good luck

Good luck op. You do not need his permission or his approval to end this. Don't fall for any of his bullshit or let him in your head again.

Your parents sound supportive. I would end it and make it explicit you do not want him to contact you or show up at your house like last time. You can even say your family are prepared to call the police if he does.

Stick to it and block him everywhere. You've tried to discuss his behaviour with him and clearly he hasn't changed so don't fall for the trap of him wanting to have some big break up talk that's about manipulating you to go back with him again. Just remember you don't owe him anything.

Don't do it face to face. His reaction last time is textbook, and will be the same if not worse this time.

You could do with real life support so that when you're tempted to cave in to him, someone is there reminding you that he's an abuser and that you deserve a life without abuse in it - and that means a life without him in it.

Over text and add that if he tries to contact you or any friends or relatives, you'll contact the police for harassment

@MotherOfGremlins

Don't do it face to face. His reaction last time is textbook, and will be the same if not worse this time.

You could do with real life support so that when you're tempted to cave in to him, someone is there reminding you that he's an abuser and that you deserve a life without abuse in it - and that means a life without him in it.

Thank you this is very helpful.I’m lucky to have supportive parents & friends.

I would like to try the Freedom Programme or is there any other suggestions for things I can read / practice to stop me thinking about him and avoid controlling partners in the future?

@Oceanlover1998 you're being really strong and very brave. You should feel really proud of yourself for reaching out for help and advice.

I don't know where you are at the moment but I understand you don't live together. I would send him a text saying, 'This isn't working out. I want to end the relationship, I don't want to see you again. Please don't contact me again.' Something like that.

If he comes to your property then don't answer the door and don't let him in. If he becomes aggressive for example, kicking the door then dial 999 and tell the police that your abusive ex won't leave your property.

You can access support from your local domestic abuse organisation, the Freedom Programme, other forms of counselling (speak to your GP or self refer) or private counselling via BACP. Read up on red flags and spend some time focusing on yourself: work, fitness, friends, hobbies and rebuilding your self esteem.

You are awesome OP to be getting rid of this abusive and dangerous man - read the Lundy Bancroft PDF - 'Why does he do that'? You can learn to protect yourself from predators with the Freedom Programme.
Best of Luck.

you can do the Freedom Program online, and there are several books and websites that have info about abuse;

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Why emotional blackmail works - fear, obligation and guilt
www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Fear-Obligation-and-Guilt-FOG-in-High-Conflict-Relationships-36

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
www.docdroid.net/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf

Advice for women in an abusive relationship;
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

Red flags of abusive relationships;
newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

Assertiveness
emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

Reading your first post I was going to say there's nothing wrong with play fighting per se provided there's respect for individual's boundaries. That it's unfair of you to willingly play fight then throw in the fact you've been in an abusive relationship before at him. Just don't play fight then, as injuries can happen (whether accidental or not) and why do something potentially triggering?! Just daft.

But, reading your subsequent posts I think you should dump him due to his controlling. Don't do it face to face, and ignore his pleads, begs, tears, and gifts as they're ways to manipulate you. If he turns up at your place ignore him and don't let him in. Don't get drawn into conversation. Block him on your phone and all social media. I've been with his type and you have to be brutal to get past all their tactics or else they're a nightmare to get rid of.

Don't be afraid to have boundaries. When you break up with him, tell him further contact is unwelcome.

If he does come round, it is OK to refuse to answer your door and refuse to "talk it over" or "give closure or explanation". If he causes a scene outside your home, that's ok too, that's his choice and his problem. Call the cops if you need to.

He's already proved himself controlling and abusive several times over, don't give him any more chances.

@FloreanFortescue
Nope not in the slightest. There is not one mention in the OP that she had wanted it to stop. If you'd read my comment correctly - I was quoting parts which showed this was a 2 way street. She hurt him too
If you bothered to read the op properly and her other posts you would clearly see that she has asked him to stop. He doesn't stop. She said she needs a safe word because he won't stop when she asks him to.
If you can't be arsed to RTFT at least read all the OP's posts.
It's crystal clear that he doesn't stop.
Victim blaming at it's finest from you. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
@Oceanlover1998. This is domestic violence, it's all very clear and I think you need to listen to your Mum and get far, far away from him. Don't fall for his manipulative crocodile tears. the Inebriati has given you some very useful links. Please use them and dump this sorry excuse of a man.

I agree with the people saying to break up with him and do not let him in your house and don’t engage with him or talk to him. He has all the hallmarks of an abuser. A good man would be absolutely horrified (not defensive) after hurting his girlfriend’s eye. I don’t have an issue with play fighting per se but it’s the fact he attacked you in a vulnerable moment when you were making up and thought you’d finished fighting, and the way he approaches it. He likes overpowering and controlling you. He’s not safe.

You should read Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Program and all of that.

However you have to understand the fundamental rule. You belong to yourself. Your body, your mind, your values. No one gets to make decisions about those but you. Somehow you have learned that it's allowable when you say 'stop' to someone and they carry on doing things to your body. That it's acceptable that you tell someone a relationship is over and they think it's a negotiation. That your boyfriend gets a say in what you do, where you go, and what you wear.

None of that, ever. You make every decision about every thing you do, particularly with regard to your body. If you meet someone new, you can run them past us first.

Gift of Fear made a big difference for me at a similar age.

Think that there is also some specific content online and (limited!) services specifically for younger people on abusive relationships.

After ending it, no further contact whatsoever with him would be best. If he physically turns up, don’t let him in, or if out and about get away from him asap.

Ignore ignore ignore any friends/family who suggest you ‘give him a chance’ or ‘hear him out’.

Also read on here the concept of the ‘shark cage’.

So glad you're breaking up with him. You sound lovely and deserve a bright future.
Doing the freedom programme is a good idea, as you should never stay with someone because you're afraid of their reaction.

He will turn himself inside out trying to get you back when you finish it.

I mistakenly took my boyfriend back in 1989, having dumped him for overstepping the mark, after which he won me round, married him in 1990 & eventually managed to leave my by now husband in 2018. Still trying to divorce the tricky, narcissistic fucker.

Don't be me.

I'm wondering whether you are the first he has tried this on with. What has he said about previous break ups? Would you consider doing a Clare's Law search for previous behaviour?

Oceanlover, have your eye and vision been examined?

How are you, Oceanlover1998?

It is hard to resist full on persuasion like you described the first time you broke up with him. Having a plan in place before it happens helps immeasurably. No matter the cost/type of a gift/ manipulation...You must refuse it. Even if he were to buy you a car, promise uni fees, anything...You know with metaphysical certitude that these come with serious strings attached. Accepting them would be entering into an unspoken contract: you owe him, and he will have his satisfaction at your expense -as you already have figured out.

Ghosting was made for blokes like this. He doesn't need "closure"; he knows damn well why you are done.

If you are confronted in person, have a short sentence rehearsed and ready to roll off your tongue. One suggestion that has worked for me is:
" Tell it to the next one. "
And hold up your hand in classic speak to the hand (because no other part of me is listening) style as you say it. ( And I mean do not listen to anything he says.) ((Except! If he threatens to commit suicide, then please report him so he can get help. If he did kill himself, it would not be your fault-that's his decision. If he doesn't kill himself , then he would be using emotional extortion to manipulate you (not an attractive trait).
Turn and walk away.
Repeat repeat repeat stone wall style. No shouting, no drama, just matter of fact, "Tell it to the next one." You are done and you expect him to pursue someone else. You have seen through his tactics, and he is released to try again with someone else. "Tell it to the next one." He won't expect you to say this so it may shock him into a bit of silence. By that point you should be speaking with you feet and literally be walking away from him.
Good luck. You are right. No need to second guess yourself.

Play fighting in your 20s? Me and my Dp sometimes but very rarely lay in bed and tickle each other (I hate being tickled) but never play fight!
I never agree with play fighting, my Dp will sometimes play fight with the children which I hate, I shout and say someone will get hurt normally my dp as the children take it to far.
You have to realise your bf did it intentionally, he knew what he was going to do when he called you over, that wasn’t a accident that was planned and thought out in them couple of seconds. I’m sorry but it was wrong and your relationship with this guy sounds extremely childish.