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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
MactheRover · 27/07/2020 17:57

He flicked your fucking EYE - risked damaging your vision permanently. He is abusive - total fucking scum - dump him before he hurts you further.

Quartz2208 · 27/07/2020 18:03

So you arent really play fighting are you? He starts it you have no way out of it because saying stop doesnt work and it nearly always ends with you getting hurt.

This time it didnt it ended with HIM getting hurt and when you went over to say sorry and kiss it better he deliberately flicked you in the eye so your eye is swollen.

I suspect because you have been in a very violent and abusive relationship before your boundaries are skewed because you are in a violent relationship now - one that he covers it using play fighting but you arent allowed to say no to or it seems to do anything other than lose

Notcoolmum · 27/07/2020 18:07

I don't really understand play fighting. Especially as you've explained you are very unevenly matched and he always make sure he wins. But to flick you in your eye is appalling. I'd expect my children to know better than that when they used to play fight. There are lines you don't cross. It was also very vindictive of him to retaliate after you apologised.

FrancoBranco · 27/07/2020 18:15

@Quartz2208

So you arent really play fighting are you? He starts it you have no way out of it because saying stop doesnt work and it nearly always ends with you getting hurt.

This time it didnt it ended with HIM getting hurt and when you went over to say sorry and kiss it better he deliberately flicked you in the eye so your eye is swollen.

I suspect because you have been in a very violent and abusive relationship before your boundaries are skewed because you are in a violent relationship now - one that he covers it using play fighting but you arent allowed to say no to or it seems to do anything other than lose

This ^^

You're not mutually engaging in play fighting. He starts mauling you, doesnt stop when you say no, and always overpowers you. Him saying "it's playfighting!" Is lies. You didn't agree to it. He just wants to make himself feel powerful by bullying you.

Dump him and do The Freedom Programme. He's a shitbag and it'll only get worse.

queenofknives · 27/07/2020 18:52

My jaw dropped in horror when I read that. I would be thinking about kicking him out tbh. He injured you. You can call it 'playing' all you like but when someone oversteps your boundaries, ignores your 'no' and won't stop, and deliberately hurts you, that sounds like a bunch of red flags to me. The fact that his reaction is to feel sorry for himself and try to make you feel bad about it is another massive red flag. Get out now before it escalates. Also do please go and get your eye checked out asap.

KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 27/07/2020 18:52

Not sure youre making the argument you think you are there @FloreanFortescue. Are you saying that as he didnt stop when op said stop, and op then went along with it, after telling him she doesn't want to but he carried anyway, and then he physically hurt her, as he often does, that she is encouraging him? Is that right?

I think she should leave him. But you think he has done nothing wrong. So when he starting touching, tickling, flicking, holding her down and she says stop, but he doesn't atop, what should she do that wouldn't be encouraging him? But also isnt telling him to atop, which he ignores?

FloreanFortescue · 27/07/2020 19:07

@KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband

Not sure youre making the argument you think you are there *@FloreanFortescue*. Are you saying that as he didnt stop when op said stop, and op then went along with it, after telling him she doesn't want to but he carried anyway, and then he physically hurt her, as he often does, that she is encouraging him? Is that right?

I think she should leave him. But you think he has done nothing wrong. So when he starting touching, tickling, flicking, holding her down and she says stop, but he doesn't atop, what should she do that wouldn't be encouraging him? But also isnt telling him to atop, which he ignores?

Nope not in the slightest. There is not one mention in the OP that she had wanted it to stop. If you'd read my comment correctly - I was quoting parts which showed this was a 2 way street. She hurt him too.
LaurieFairyCake · 27/07/2020 19:11

This is what you do - you tell him you will NEVER play fight with him again and you want him to stop also

And that you will never put your hands on each other without consent - no tickling, no overpowering, no holding down

If he doesn't stop (and almost everyone here would predict he won't) then you have your answer - he is abusive.

FloreanFortescue · 27/07/2020 19:14

@LaurieFairyCake

This is what you do - you tell him you will NEVER play fight with him again and you want him to stop also

And that you will never put your hands on each other without consent - no tickling, no overpowering, no holding down

If he doesn't stop (and almost everyone here would predict he won't) then you have your answer - he is abusive.

Exactly this.
Wolfiefan · 27/07/2020 19:16

I agree with Laurie.
There is nothing about this that is playing. It’s about control. And power. Nasty.

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/07/2020 19:17

I don't think you need give him another chance to hurt you OP. Seems to me a man who doesn't understand "stop" and who is vengeful has all the hallmarks of abuser. He may not yet be as abusive as your ex, but you dont need to hang around til he is.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 19:26

The OP doesn’t need to test it.
He's abusive

Lovelynaughtycat · 27/07/2020 19:55

He goes far too far because he doesn't respect you.
This guy has got a very mean/bully streak.
Next time meet someone whose got a good heart and wants to protect you.

category12 · 27/07/2020 20:16

I think what you've got here, OP, is a sneakier class of abuser.

Unfortunately when you've been in an abusive relationship, you often fall into similar dynamics in following relationships - and because it seems better than the level 10 abuser you had before, you don't recognise that he's a level 7 abuser until down the line.It'd be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/07/2020 20:22

Look I agree that he is abusive

But there is literally no indication that the OP will leave him over this

So I'm being pragmatic. Tell him all 'play' and overpowering each other is over and then see if he complies.

Isthisit22 · 27/07/2020 20:41

All the people saying 'grow up' are missing the tone of this thread.
You clearly never wanted to 'play fight' in the first place--he starts it, then enjoys dominating you by not stopping when you say.
Tell him no more fights at all and if (when) he starts the next one dump him. He has absolutely no respect for your boundaries or well being so will do exactly as he wants eg start another play fight very soon.
You could save yourself some time and possibly pain by dumping him now.

Mumoblue · 27/07/2020 20:46

My partner and I used to play fight when we were dumb teenagers, but quickly stopped after 2 incidents of accidentally hurting each other, one me and one him. Yeah I know, it took two incidents for us to realise it was stupid!

But our play fighting, while dumb, was mutual and it doesn't sound like yours is.
If you're really determined to give him another chance then tell him you're no longer interested in play fighting and that you will treat the next time he puts a hand on you as assault.

FishbowlFrieda · 27/07/2020 20:55

Please go and get your eye checked out.

A corneal scratch or damage to the retina need immediate attention, and it isn't always obvious that the eye is badly hurt. Delaying treatment, if it's needed, is a really bad idea.

Also, get rid of the bloke.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/07/2020 21:00

Red flag bunting all over the place. Leave him now

MadamBatty · 27/07/2020 21:46

men are 99.99% more likely to be much stronger than women. Bigger bodies, more muscle mass, testosterone.

Women can’t ‘fight’ with men & not expect to be hurt.

stop play fighting.

He sounds spiteful, mean & abusive.

GarlicMcAtackney · 27/07/2020 22:32

🥳✨dump him ✨🥳
There’s no reason to keep him on as a boyfriend.

Voice0fReason · 27/07/2020 22:39

This is not normal, healthy or equal in a relationship.
You can tell him that this play fighting must stop - and you must stop it too, but will he actually stop? I suspect not.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 28/07/2020 00:00

Thank you for all the support & advice. Hoping to call 111 tomorrow about my eye as I have a constant dull pain. Bf said I was being dramatic when I told him I could have damaged my sight.
I am really shocked at how he behaved and the fact he doesn’t seem remotely remorseful now and has been quiet about the whole thing, even coming across as defensive because I have been ‘moody’ with him all day. Even my mum told me I deserve way more than an apology and told me to leave him. I know what I should do deep down.

OP posts:
FunTimes2020 · 28/07/2020 00:06

Follow your instincts (and listen to your mum). He doesn't sound good enough for you x

WitchWife · 28/07/2020 00:31

Really please do dump him. Either a) he wants to hurt you or b) he doesn’t care that he hurts you. It’s horrible to read let alone be in.

Do you have somewhere safe to go or can you boot him out? Whose flat is it?

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