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Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/07/2020 13:11

It just felt like it was all happening again.
That is your gut talking to you. Trust it.
Your eye injury is an escalation.
I am recommending that you end this relationship. He enjoys physical domination over you too much and cries foul when you complain...And always has to have the last word, or physical strike. No.
In the future, please consider avoid telling a date, boyfriend, potential partner that you have been in an abusive relationship. You can see why here. He is dismissive of your boundary by redirecting the focus away from you and onto your past boyfriend. He is also dismissive of your boundaries when he doesn't immediately stop. Now he is getting a big boundary of stopping it altogether. Expect it to shift to verbal abuse, or other forms of coercive control. Or maybe he will do you a really big favor and dump you. It would be a much smoother end to the relationship if it is his idea ( like six year olds who like wrestling in the living room ).
You are in your early twenties. Please read the book "Why Does He Do That?" Keep it and read it again when you are 30. You will be way ahead of the relationship game and save yourself a lot of time, frustration, money, abuse, etc. Educate yourself about relationships. You do not have to reinvent the wheel on this. Invest time in reading this board including searching past threads.
Sorry for the epic post! Good luck Flowers

LockdownLoser · 27/07/2020 13:12

@MadameButterface

I too am aghast at some of these responses, time was you could rely on mn to hold the line against dangerous and unacceptable behaviour from men, even that which women are socialised to tolerate
Absolutely agree with you.

This is abuse. Pure and simple. He deliberately hurt her eye for revenge.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 13:16

@LockdownLoser
@MadameButterface

I think you're using rose tinted glasses.
MN has always had its fair share of abuse apologists. Sad
Hence some people mocking the LTB "Brigade", or whatever, for what they see is nothing but, ultimately, the woman's fault.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/07/2020 13:17

The author of " Why Does He Do That? " is Lundy Bancroft. This should be available on Amazon. Do not let your boyfriend see it.

QueenCT · 27/07/2020 13:17

That's not play fighting at all, he's deliberately hurt you
I play fight sometimes but stuff like he will point at my chest and say what's that, I'll look down and he taps under my chin or he will jokingly pin me down or vice versa but never ever hurt me

Dery · 27/07/2020 13:19

"I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?"

No. The right thing would be to end the relationship. You're with a man who thinks it's okay to hurt his girlfriend for sport and then minimise it and act all hurt when you raise your concerns. There's domestic violence happening already and it will only get worse.

You're in your early 20s and have now had two abusive relationships. You are not to blame for that but you don't want this to become a pattern and you may want to reassess what you find attractive in a man and how you look after yourself in relationships.

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2020 13:20

Jeez. You sound like my two teenage children. Grow the fuck up. Both of you.

Collidascope · 27/07/2020 13:21

OP, the issue isn't play fighting. I play fight with my husband. Neither of us gets hurt and I don't really give a shit if people think it makes us childish, we probably are in that sense.
The issue is the fact that you actually get hurt, that he always has to have the last move, and that he doesn't stop when you tell him to. He sounds domineering and like he doesn't respect your boundaries.

MrsVeryTired · 27/07/2020 13:22

Agree this is not acceptable. You hurt him by accident when "play-fighting" so he hurt you on purpose to get you back. That is when it stopped being a play fight, he should not want to hurt you.

Villanemme · 27/07/2020 13:26

Sorry but he really wanted to hurt you. An apology wasn't enough, a retaliation (e.g. a flick on the cheek) wasn't enough he had to find the most vulnerable part of your face and hurt you hard when you were least expecting it. You angered him and this was the result, you shouldn't give him another chance. And get your eye checked.

iklboo · 27/07/2020 13:32

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

This really stood out for me. This is already abusive behaviour. Flicking you in the eye after you apologised was calculated. Why the eye? To debilitate you. I don't believe it was an accident. How long have you been together?

TeeBee · 27/07/2020 13:34

Most decent men wouldn't feel comfortable play-fighting with their female partner. It's just weird. I'm from a martial arts background and, in my experience, men who know how to fight are usually less likely to hurt a woman, not more. Usually they're comfortable enough in their own strength to not need to exert their control over a woman. This does not seem the case here. I'd definitely end it. I'd say he's boundary testing.

TeeBee · 27/07/2020 13:35

Who the fuck would flick their partner in the eye??!

2155User · 27/07/2020 13:36

You flicked him and accidentally it hurt.
He flicked you and accidentally it hurt.

No idea how this has escalated to some people calling it abuse.

Don’t give it out if you can’t take it back.

TeeBee · 27/07/2020 13:39

I think anyone with half a brain would realise that flicking someone in the eyeball is going to hurt. So he's either thick or abusive...neither attractive in a partner.

netflixismysidehustle · 27/07/2020 13:40

Op said he often hurts her and doesn't respect her play fighting boundaries like no pinning down and tickling. That is abusive

A man like that shouldn't be in a relationship imo. Imagine him as a father Angry

namechange12a · 27/07/2020 13:44

@2155User Consent makes it abusive. Lack of consent makes it abusive. The over exertion of force makes it abusive. If you don't understand what consent is and why non consensual activity is abusive, then stay away from people.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 13:44

@iklboo

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

This really stood out for me. This is already abusive behaviour. Flicking you in the eye after you apologised was calculated. Why the eye? To debilitate you. I don't believe it was an accident. How long have you been together?

We have been together almost 10 months. I do not believe he did intentionally mean to get my eye but the fact he was that careless and actually ended up hurting me and blurring my vision is seriously concerning
OP posts:
PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 13:48

Maybe he went to get her cheek but missed and got her eye, I mean they are right next to each other, but that can’t possibly be the case on MN.

SoPanny · 27/07/2020 13:49

There’s no telling you, is there?

SoPanny · 27/07/2020 13:50

Play fighting, anything physical, it’s not on.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 27/07/2020 13:51

When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work

Even small children know what stop means. You shouldn’t need another word that means “REALLY stop”.

My DP and I are plenty playful enough, but we’ve never seen the need to ‘fight’ or pin down and tickle each other other, we say funny things and we cuddle each other a lot, but I fail to see anything loving about flicking or poking someone.

I’m pretty strong but I know he could overpower me in a second so it’s not a fair fight, playful or not!

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 27/07/2020 13:51

PumpkinP

Simple question.
If a man held you down, you begged them to stop and they didn't.
Is that you're fault for being held down in the first place or the man's fault?

DennisTMenace · 27/07/2020 13:52

You can't flick someone without meaning to. Flicking is a deliberate act, not like bumping into someone. He deliberately called you over to him after the play fight had stopped and tried to hurt you.