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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
Deputy123 · 27/07/2020 12:52

How pathetic

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 12:53

You know she can actually control it by not engaging, as soon as he flicks her her flicking back is retaliation within itself, seems it’s all fun and games till someone gets hurt, just don’t engage in the first place! It’s not hard

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 27/07/2020 12:55

When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work

The is really horrible to read between two people that are supposedly in love.

Ask yourself op, of your friend described their partner in these exact terms, what would you think?

"stop" is the only word you should need, anyone that cared for you or respected you, would listen and stop, no matter what.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 12:56

You know she can actually control it by not engaging

No, she can't, if she says stop and he doesn't.
That's the old fallacy of not "provoking" it, in domestic abuse.

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 12:58

No, she can't, if she says stop and he doesn't.
That's the old fallacy of not "provoking" it, in domestic abuse.

So she can’t control herself from flicking him back Hmm

midnightstar66 · 27/07/2020 12:59

As I tell my dc, play fighting always ends in one of them (usually the smaller one) getting hurt so don't do it!

Clymene · 27/07/2020 12:59

Stop minimising PumpkinP - you're excusing DV

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 13:00

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MonkeyToesOfDoom · 27/07/2020 13:01

So she can’t control herself from flicking him back

So it's OPS fault?
Not the man's fault for starting it?
You're expecting OP to control herself and give the man a free pass?

Do you also believe women getting raped is the women's fault? They should have worn trousers, not skirt. Should have had trainers on, not heels. Should have stayed home, not gone out.

FattyBoom · 27/07/2020 13:02

It doesn't sound like an accident at all, it sounds like he waited for you to get close enough for him to 'get you back', you don't accidentally flick someone hard in the eyeball (in fact you should be flicking some hard anywhere). The play fight should have been over when you went to give him a kiss

Stop play fighting, it's childish and he sounds vindictive

LadyMuck111 · 27/07/2020 13:02

Have you posted about a similar thing before? This post reminds me of one a few months ago where the boyfriend did boxing and the partner got hurt.

You have done the right thing telling him no more play fighting. My abusive ex liked to play fight, yet my now DP wouldn't dream of it

namechange12a · 27/07/2020 13:03

I’m not sure, he often starts it when he is bored. When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work

OP that isn't playfighting, that's abuse. He starts on you when he's bored. You tell him to stop and he doesn't - that's not playing. Just because he's not kicking seven bells out of you, doesn't not make it abusive.

Flicking you in the eyeball could have caused serious damage - you're with another abusive fuckwit.

Did you do any work on yourself following the last abusive relationship? Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships? Counselling, therapy, reading?

Get out of this relationship. Don't get into another relationship until you are prepared to put your feelings and needs first. At the first sign of abuse you walk. Until you are prepared to do that, you shouldn't be with anyone.

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 13:04

This is nothing like rape, don’t insult victims of rape, they both need to grow up!

Inthemuckheap · 27/07/2020 13:04

You are still in an abusive relationship OP. He sounds vile and deliberately hurt you. Yes I would stop the play fighting by getting out of the relationship.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 13:04

@PumpkinP

*No, she can't, if she says stop and he doesn't. That's the old fallacy of not "provoking" it, in domestic abuse.*

So she can’t control herself from flicking him back Hmm

You're missing the point. He starts it. He doesn't stop when she says stop. What do you think will happen if she doesn't react when he starts, or just says stop it. Do you think he will, from what the OP said?

The OP did stop it. She apologised for a minor hurt she caused him. She went to make peace. He seriously hurt her in response.
Of course it's her fault for not controlling it! Sad

Lweji · 27/07/2020 13:05

Nobody said it was.

It's domestic violence.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 13:05

@PumpkinP

This is nothing like rape, don’t insult victims of rape, they both need to grow up!
Nobody said it was.

It's domestic violence.

(For reference)

Chloemol · 27/07/2020 13:06

You both need to grow up, just stop play fighting

holrosea · 27/07/2020 13:06

I think that the "grow up" responses are a bit harsh; every couple has their own silly activities and I certainly had a few play fights with boyfriends when younger.

The bit that rings alarm bells and really riles me up is that he is stronger than you, participates in combat sports, but still has to "win". Also, he hurt you after you apologised then wouldn't give you space when you were clearly upset.

The need to dominate, the getting you back post-apology and not allowing you breathing space are red flags. I bet he was also minimising.

Finally, when my partner used to get angry, he'd wander about talking to himself in very heated tones in my tiny apartment. I said "I have been with aggressive men before and I don't like your behaviour" which he took (badly) to be a direct comparison. However, I said to him "you are stronger, taller and heavier than me, you are visibly angry, and you are pacing in a very small space. You can understand why that would put me on edge" and he actually responded "I hadn't thought about it like that and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you". Since then, he's never really done the same thing, and the one time he has been very annoyed, he took himself outside for 10 minutes to walk about and calm down.

I think that unless your boyfriend apologisies sincerely for having hurt your eye and agreesto no more playfighting, then you need to move on from this relationship.

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 13:08

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Lweji · 27/07/2020 13:09

@PumpkinP

So now play fighting has turned into DV, only on MN Hmm
I used to play fight with DS a lot. None of us got hurt. Because I'm not an abusive mother who likes to hurt her child.

Playfighting can be fun.
Even sexy between partners.

This is NOT playfighting. This is an excuse for abuse on his part.

namechange12a · 27/07/2020 13:10

I see some are using the 'it's only bantz, don't be so sensitive excuse.' The bullies mantra.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 13:10

@PumpkinP

You compared it to rape, sounds like the op doesn’t mind play fighting if it’s her doing the hurting. Don’t take on someone stronger than you and expect not to get hurt.
Do read the post you're referring to again.

I said that if it was sex and she said stop and he didn't, it would be rape. Because non consensual.

This is non consensual fight, and thus, domestic violence.

Thisismytimetoshine · 27/07/2020 13:10

Grow up and stop your nonsense. Play fighting is for 5 year old boys.

Thislittlelady · 27/07/2020 13:11

Maybe grow up a wee bit? No more
Play fighting. If you say no more and he keeps trying to instigate it then maybe you need to reassess......