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Original poster

Play fighting with my BF... he hurt my eye?

276 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 27/07/2020 12:03

I and my boyfriend (both in our early 20s) often play fight and it sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.
He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him. He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

Last night we were flicking eachother all over and I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I immediately started crying and I was in shock that he did it back even after I apologised for hitting his face and he was that careless that it hit my eye. I couldn’t see for a few seconds and ran to the bathroom and of course he ran after me apologising and saying that he didn’t mean it and that it was an accident.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs for a while and of course he followed me. I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset and said I was trying to compare him to my ex which wasn’t the case at all. It just felt like it was all happening again.

I know it was an accident but he should have brushed it off when I accidentally hit his face, not gone for me and hurt my eye. My eye is now swollen. I told him that we cannot play fight anymore. He does Thai boxing and should be able to take a girl flicking him on his face without retaliation.

He often goes too far when play fighting and often pins me down and tickles me or grabs my sides which i don’t like, he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore. Am I doing the right thing here?

OP posts:
chatterbugmegastar · 27/07/2020 14:44

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Lweji · 27/07/2020 14:44

I do not believe he did intentionally mean to get my eye but the fact he was that careless and actually ended up hurting me and blurring my vision is seriously concerning

That he got your eye is irrelevant.

He meant to hurt you after you apologised.
That should be enough.

He hurts you when you're being supposedly playful.
That should also be enough.

He doesn't stop it when you tell him to.
That only adds up to the previous.

Thisismytimetoshine · 27/07/2020 14:47

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KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 27/07/2020 14:48

Honestly, i think if you had started your thread more accurately with ‘my boyfriend often starts playfighting with me, despite me not liking it and asking him not to,’ which is what you actually describe, then went on to give those exact same details as above, you wouldnt get so many people with poor comprehension skills blaming you for it.

He does boxing every week and is stronger than me and so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I do to him.

He is also really competitive and never lets me get away with having the last move.

I accidentally flicked his cheek and I apologised immediately after. He told me to kiss him better and that he was hurt, so I went over to him and he flicked me hard in the eyeball.

I said I wanted some space and went downstairs ... he followed me.

I told him about the fact I had been in an abusive relationship before and he was violent, he then got upset

My eye is now swollen

He often goes too far when play fighting ... he does eventually stop but it takes some tries.

When I tell him to stop he doesn’t, I was thinking maybe we need a safe word to use when either of us have had enough - as ‘stop’ doesn’t usually work

Leave him.

KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 27/07/2020 14:49

There are so many women on this thread who should be ashamed of their responses to op. Really bloody ashamed.

Coldspringharbour · 27/07/2020 14:51

How old are you both, 5! You both sound extremely immature and as bad as each other.

pictish · 27/07/2020 14:52

There’s a lovely young woman (mid twenties) I work with and whom I have on Facebook. She seems to have a similar relationship with her boyfriend...play fighting, pranks, ‘banter’. I think he seems quite the abusive arsehole to tell the truth.

It was her birthday not long ago and unflattering photo after unflattering photo of my colleague looking dog rough was popping up on the old feed. A couple were really bad. It soon became apparent her lovely boyfriend was sharing them for her birthday. When she commented on one of the really bad ones asking him to stop posting them he responded, “It’s like I was telling you last night, you’ve got no sense of humour.”

Well my blood just ran cold at that. Many a cruelty is meted out in the name of jest in my opinion.

Asides from the definitive flick in the eye, which is all the reason to leave you ever need, if he ever tells you you’ve got no sense of humour, or you can’t take a joke, or tells you you’re a moody cow or ‘in the huff’ when he has hurt you, or says you’re turning on the waterworks, or tells you you’re too sensitive, or says it was ‘just a laugh’ or banter, or claims it was an accident and is offended that you are annoyed, or calls you uptight for protesting...or any of those things, you are in DANGER.

Arrivederla · 27/07/2020 14:53

@KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband

There are so many women on this thread who should be ashamed of their responses to op. Really bloody ashamed.
I agree.
Arrivederla · 27/07/2020 14:55

@pictish

There’s a lovely young woman (mid twenties) I work with and whom I have on Facebook. She seems to have a similar relationship with her boyfriend...play fighting, pranks, ‘banter’. I think he seems quite the abusive arsehole to tell the truth.

It was her birthday not long ago and unflattering photo after unflattering photo of my colleague looking dog rough was popping up on the old feed. A couple were really bad. It soon became apparent her lovely boyfriend was sharing them for her birthday. When she commented on one of the really bad ones asking him to stop posting them he responded, “It’s like I was telling you last night, you’ve got no sense of humour.”

Well my blood just ran cold at that. Many a cruelty is meted out in the name of jest in my opinion.

Asides from the definitive flick in the eye, which is all the reason to leave you ever need, if he ever tells you you’ve got no sense of humour, or you can’t take a joke, or tells you you’re a moody cow or ‘in the huff’ when he has hurt you, or says you’re turning on the waterworks, or tells you you’re too sensitive, or says it was ‘just a laugh’ or banter, or claims it was an accident and is offended that you are annoyed, or calls you uptight for protesting...or any of those things, you are in DANGER.

This is a good post op. Please read it carefully.
KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 27/07/2020 14:55

@Coldspringharbour

How old are you both, 5! You both sound extremely immature and as bad as each other.
Op has said very clearly she doesnt ant to be play fighting and she asks and tells him to stop but he doesnt. If anyone is as bad as him, it is you.
FloreanFortescue · 27/07/2020 14:57

@KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband

There are so many women on this thread who should be ashamed of their responses to op. Really bloody ashamed.
I and my boyfriend often play fight. * It sometimes involves tickling, sometimes pushing etc.

He is stronger than me so it sometimes hurts a lot more than I DO TO HIM.

Last night WE were flicking each other all over.*

OP has encouraged this. Of course he is stronger. Of course she is more likely to get hurt. You can't have a one-sided play fight.

PumpkinP · 27/07/2020 14:59

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FizzyGreenWater · 27/07/2020 14:59

Get your eye check then dump the testosto-prick

ballsdeep · 27/07/2020 15:01

Who on earth play fights over the age of 10?? You both need to grow up.

MadameButterface · 27/07/2020 15:06

This is relationships not aibu just fyi some of yous who are so busy putting op down that you’re missing all the red flags

LexMitior · 27/07/2020 15:11

Play fighting is often about a man deliberately messing with your boundaries. What you actually had was a fight. Understand that.

Get rid of this guy a) because he hurt you b) is unrepentant and c) is very likely to hurt you more as he thinks he can push you to “consent” to more and more stuff like this.

Decent men do not do this crap. Get away.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 15:16

OP has encouraged this.

How?

Thisismytimetoshine · 27/07/2020 15:20

@Lweji

OP has encouraged this.

How?

Well, by making plans going forward, she certainly isn't discouraging it. Or not nearly robustly enough.
RandomMess · 27/07/2020 15:20

When we were young DH and I used to play fight, I don't tho I he ever hurt me and I always won because he had the physical advantage he of course always let me win!!! Wouldn't have been playing otherwise it would have been him dominating me...

There really are red flags - he hurts you, does things you don't like, always has to win...

LexMitior · 27/07/2020 15:25

Yes, fgs, a man who playfights and holds you down and always wins is dominating you, enjoying the process, and is checking you can’t do anything to him.

It’s dangerous and men who do this are often very bad news. This man has just started to add a few more things into his domination routine.

Tell your friends and family and get out.

userabcname · 27/07/2020 15:27

Don't give him another chance to hurt you! I would not tolerate so many of these behaviours - pinning you down against your will, continuing something when you've said to stop, deliberately injuring you (he did mean to hurt your eye, perhaps not as badly as he did but anyone knows flicking someone else in the eye is going to hurt!), following you when you wanted space, emotional manipulation when you called him out. It's red flag central. You need to leave him and do some serious work on your boundaries before dating again. This behaviour is not healthy.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 15:27

Well, by making plans going forward, she certainly isn't discouraging it. Or not nearly robustly enough.

So, not discouraging is encouraging?
How should she robustly discourage it, other than "I have told him that we cannot play fight anymore."

Note, I think she should LTB, but you seem to think she should take responsibility over his behaviour. Hmm
Please do explain what you mean.

Lolapusht · 27/07/2020 15:42

He needs to be in control all of the time. You’ve told him to stop and he ignores you...he decides when to stop not you. What you want doesn’t matter. He’s stronger than you (which he will know) but doesn’t take that into count because he has to dominate you because he has to be in charge. When he saw you were actually hurt after the eye flicking he didn’t let you respond as you wanted to, he controlled that. He told you it was an accident that he didn’t mean (shifting the blame from him) then when you said you needed space he wouldn’t let you. Again, he ignored what you wanted. You being upset and wanting some distance underlined the fact that what he had done was wrong and he didn’t like that so he changed the narrative by turning things back on you so he didn’t have to deal with what he had done. A nice person would have apologised as soon as it had happened (taken responsibility for their actions), made sure you were ok then respected your need to be alone. It’s interesting that you said “of course he followed me”. Why of course?

He knew what he was going to do before he flicked you in the eye so it was deliberate. He may not have been aiming for your eye, but he meant to flick your face. Think about. He told you to go kiss him (he expected you to do as he said, again he’s controlling you) then when you did what he told you he flicked you. Even if he changed his mind at the last second, he made a conscious decision about what he was doing. He punished you for hurting him because he is the only one who can hurt because he is in charge. He called you over to hurt you.

You are in another abusive relationship lovie and should think about getting out. You said you’ve told him no more play fights and it doesn’t sound like the first time you’ve had that sort of conversation. If he doesn’t respect what you’ve said then that should be a sign about what sort of person he is. It’s nothing you’ve done, it’s him. He is in the wrong but you don’t have to be with him. Please leave xx

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/07/2020 17:11

Look op

You have walked from one abusive relationship straight in to another
It's the same shit just different flavour

You are excusing you're own abuse at the hands of your new bully
Please dont do that, he hurt you and it could have been much much worse
It was pre meditated and deliberate, he panicked cause it could have been a trip to A&E and he would have been found out

Get out now, and books yourself some therapy

Colourmeclear · 27/07/2020 17:41

Is he the kind of person who generally does something you don't like or wish he didn't do and then he says it was only a joke or I was playing etc. Is this a pattern and is it in other areas of your relationship?

It's sometimes really easy to only focus on one event and then tell yourself there was a reason for it and excuse people crossing your boundaries but if it's a pattern or becoming more frequent then you need to act which could mean re-asserting your boundaries and if he doesn't respect that, removing yourself from the relationship entirely.

My ex would poke me with sticks even if I told him to stop (no, really 🙄) and hang dangerous things in front of my face and then laugh when I recoiled. He would tell me WE were just playing around and I sort of believed him but this was just a small example of a bigger pattern where he didn't respect my physical or emotional boundaries. If it bothers you, let it bother you and then use it to make a change.