Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Actually write an email to the surgery so that it is documented in black and white in his notes and doesn’t get lost on a phone conversation.

Don’t let your DH stop you doing this.

This nasty creep would terrorise a young naive care worker. Like the nurse/sister who posted above the NHS need to know.

Good for you. Don't budge, OP. You have had enough abuse, and you aren't going to take it anymore. Tell you husband that you are done. He will not convince you to help with his father.

And I would also tell him that if he keeps this shit up, then you will be seriously questioning your marriage. Your DH has been apologizing and rationalizing this behavior for years. He may not know the specifics, but he knows his father is a sexually abusive pervert. You've just made him have to face it, and that's inconvenient for him.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, and this is not your fault! I say that because for a long time I blamed myself for tolerating sexual harassment from a man in my life. (I don't mean to be projecting here, and apologies if I have). Stay strong. We are here. And I for one am proud of you. I know this is a terrible situation for you.

Oh OP, I am so sorry.

Your husband is sadly very sexist. Trying to avoid sexual abuse is not self indulgent.

I echo previous posters. You need to tell GP and social services - I am sure that when you explain to them how vile he is and that you cannot do it, they will be supportive.

I am so sorry again, you must be feeling so let down.

How dare he! Your SAFETY and mental wellbeing is a luxury you (and he, one would think) can't afford to risk. Your safety and wellbeing is NOT inconvenient. What is inconvenient, is his father. That he should have thrown into a nursing home and dumped him there. His father is the one who is inconvenient.

You don't HAVE to do anything you want. You DON'T HAVE to look after a man that has hurt you. Where does he get his facts from that you HAVE to look after him? Life isn't always about being nice to predators. In life, one needs to protect oneself. Your husband has me feeling ropable! He really, truly, is SCUM! I would have sent him a link to this thread for him to read when you weren't with him and he could read it and then talk about it. But now I would also tell him he changes his fucking attitude quick smart, or it could mean our marriage ending in divorce.

Something I try to remember op is if no one else in my marriage is looking out for me then I have to make sure I do.
Email the surgery re your fil and decide never to step foot in his house again. Tell your dh you’ve been sacrificing yourself for his happiness and comfort in this regard for decades and he has thrown it all back in your face, so he’s on his own with fil now. You are done.

I’m really sorry that after having the courage to tell your husband that he has reacted in the way he has. It is disgusting that he hasn’t supported you, I hope he wakes up this morning with a different outlook and an apology for you. How dare he expect you to put up with this.

Please, as others have said, make sure there is a note on your FIL’s file about his behaviour. Others are potentially at risk.

The thing is OP he can't march you over there and force you to take care of your FIL. You said you're not doing it. So don't.

I don't know what the fallout will be for your marriage but at least you never have to see that horrible man again.

Your husband does not care about you. He only cares about himself and his father. If you show him this thread, he will suggest you go back to the previous arrangement where you do all the hard work while he sits with his shit father or he will do it himself for a few weeks before he tries to get you back to caring for his shit father.
I know you want to believe your husband is innocent. If only you can make him see what everyone else can see so clearly. But we don't need you to the work that we don't want to do.
Put yourself first. I agree with what PPs have suggested, tell GP and social services.

I've been following and think you're amazing for having put up with his shit for so long, well done for deciding enough is enough! That's it now you've made that step.
I don't think you ought to show your husband this thread. It's your personal support network.
I think by shopping and cooking his meals and your husband taking them round you're supporting your husband but also most importantly protecting yourself.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you're owning it now. Do something lovely

How fucking dare OH dismiss your very obvious distress and trauma.

He is only nice and kind when it suits him.

So sorry.

FIL isn't DH responsibility. He's obliged to do no caring. He could phone SS tomorrow and leave them to him.
He's choosing not to. I wonder if his DF isn't short of money, and her DH is trying to preserve his inheritance by resisting paying for carers or a care home. Happens all the time.
At least you know where you stand OP.

Wow! I hope that once he has a chance to process the information and take it in that he comes to you and apologizes.

Good for you standing your ground. If need be you may have to be honest with social services about this.

You husband is telling you to be alone every day with a sexual predator who has made abusive threats and sexually inappropriate comments to you for 30 years.

Is he also telling you that when your FIL assaults you you have to put up and shut up?

Your husband is a disgrace

It's a simple conversation:

I've tried and tried and tried to tell you about your father's sexual comments and inappropriate behaviour. It's been going on for 30 years. And if you are seriously telling me that me not wanting to be near an abusive man is "a luxury we cannot afford" then our marriage is over.

I will not ever go near your father again. And if you can't accept that and can't support me not wanting to be involved with a man that has targeted me with unwanted and inappropriate behaviour for over 3 decades, if you cannot see the obvious and clear risks for my safety, then we need to get on with a divorce.

Why is your DH so against using carers/cleaner. What is the financial situation here?

You don’t have to put up with either of them

I'm so sorry to hear your conversation went badly. Have you a PC or laptop? Leave this thread on the screen, with a note telling him to read it, pack an overnight bag and go and check into a hotel. DO NOT put up with this disgusting and perverted abuse any longer. Your husband is in complete denial. You need to stress to him that this has been going on for the duration of your marriage and certainly not since FIL became ill.

I would imagine that your husband has witnessed inappropriate behaviour from your father in law since he was a small child - and normalised it. You must not be coerced into a situation where you are at risk of sexual abuse. Rather than support for your father in law, I think YOU are the victim - and need support from a sexual abuse advice line, and that a professional needs to speak to your husband.

OP, sorry it didn’t go Well.
Can you write down a list of some of the things he’s said to you and done over the years, including the worst and give it to your husband. Sorry but if he was a work colleague your DH would have helped get your FIL arrested. He should be dealt with by the police.
It is not generational or an age thing, it is a purely evil man.
Not telli your DH has kept a secret festering between you, tell him everything and then leave him and get some counselling for you for everything you’re still going through.

And sorry to say Op that as his dementia progresses, he’ll lose all social inhibition and actually become more dangerous as hell act out on his previous curtailed behaviours.

I think you need to tell his GP and social services this, as much to protect any female staff that may come across him during his assessment phase. And telling them will more likely get him help with care too.

I'm inclined to think that because you have not told your husband the full extent of the issue that he needs time to take all this in. No one want to acknowledge that their father is a pervert and always has been, that this is not something caused by his illness.

If this isn't the case I think your marriage is on very shaky ground. If he has known but decided to ignore it or seen it as acceptable then I'd be heartbroken.

OP, please, please, PLEASE do exactly what MrsPworkingmummy posted.

This is utterly appalling.

Your H is completely in denial as to the extent of the abuse you as his wife has suffered; he is absolutely an abuse apologist. He cannot and equally will not face the truth re his abuser father, a man who was likely abusive also to his mother. Its too painful for him to admit to himself or to you so his way of dealing with it is to further close ranks around the abuser and ignore your distress.

His late mother probably became very afraid of her abusive H particularly after they married and likely saw a lot from her H is but she stayed with him for her own reasons (fear of him, fear of the unknown, her child to name but three of many reasons). As a result your now H growing up in such an abusive environment damaged him.

Your marriage now is over and has also been for some time because he has and will continue to put his own self first out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Well done! If you ever have to speak to SW again, tell them about him being a pervert.

i would not stay with someone who dismisses my feelings so much and makes it all about him and what suits him. he's not a good /lovely husband and i would be serving divorce papers as a result.