Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Im.sorry the conversation didnt go well. Im sorry your husband doesnt care if you are harrassed or abused by his father. This man cannot have female carers at all.

Do not do it and do not feel guilty either. Dementia can make people say and do inappropriate things and it sounds like he didnt have much of a grasp of what is acceptable anyway.
I would phone social services and get him assessed ,he may be entitled to a carer once or twice a day although depending on his savings he may have to pay.
Your DH sounds like he may not fully understand how you feel and you need to be really clear, its perfectly ok to say no.

I’m very sorry to hear that your DH isn’t supporting you. I hope it doesn’t change your stance in knowing that what he is expecting of you is completely unacceptable. I would highly suggest showing him this thread, he needs to know that this situation is appalling

I agree that some therapy to talk through what you have gone through might be something to consider, you’ve carried it all on your own for so long and I am in awe of how you have continued on

Ring social services and ask for an assessment. Tell them unfortunately he sexually harasses you and therefore it’s not safe for you to take on care. Most elderly people have carers come in. Our grandad lived with us as a child and he still had carers in as my parents worked.

Hi, just to say the social worker is wrong, no diagnosis is needed, it's about his care needs. Complain and ask to speak to a manger.

Stop, just stop. Don’t ring social services, don’t ring the GP, don’t clean his house, don’t make food for your DP to take to him, don’t do anything for him. He’s not your problem. Leave your DP to it. He should be making the phone calls, he should be sorting it out. If he complains show him this thread. If he still complains then LTB.

Oh my love im sorry

I read this thread for the first time tonight and I thought with increasing certainty that your husband is being horribly sexist in this, too.

It's so often the woman, either daughter or daughter in law who ends up doing the care and housework and carrying the mental and the emotional load. Sometimes willingly, sometimes not so willingly. You're unwilling, which is a totally reasonable and natural response to thirty years of sexual harassment.

If your husband was a woman and going back to work in 2 weeks with a partner still at home but unwilling to do the dad work for any reason he would have to rearrange his work and work flexibly, drop hours or get a carer in. He would also be doing all the shopping and cooking himself for his parent, have rearranged the house, done the whiteboard and everything else that his father needed.

The chances are that if your husband was a woman he'd have taken your experiences very seriously and done his best to make sure you never need to go anywhere near that creep.

If he was a woman, he'd have found a way.

I really want you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say.

Your husband is being incredibly sexist towards you.

He has very clearly and repeatedly shown you that you are the woman, therefore all cooking, cleaning, organising and care work falls to you even though the patient is verbally sexually assaulting your every time. Even though he could do it himself without you, and he wouldn't be verbally sexually assaulted.

Not only is your husband showing you that he considers his father's needs are greater than yours, he's showing you that his wishes to not be inconvenienced to do the woman's work is more important to him than preventing you, his wife of many years, from being sexually verbally assaulted daily and being at high risk of physical sexual assault.

START GETTING ANGRY.

How DARE your husband try to bury your basic safety needs at the bottom of a pile of male superiority preferences???

YOU. ARE. NOT. BEING. UNREASONABLE.

If it were me in your shoes, I would have rage at your husband. 30 years of pent up putting up and shutting up absolute rage at him. I'd be a wailing banshee of blood curdling anger that he DARED to even think that this would be okay.

The FIL situation is actually very simple. You say very clearly "No. I'm not doing anything more for the man who has sexually harassed me for 30 years." and you follow through. Your help, cooking, cleaning, visits, shopping, gardening, appointments, social services wrangling, you simply do not do any of it any more. Stop juggling and let the balls be dropped. I guarantee your H will pick them up once he realises you mean it. Go very simple broken record with your husband. "I'm not doing it. You'll have to find another way." Repeat the exact same line to everything he says. The time for negotiation and reason has long since passed.

Then once that's actually sorted, you might find that your attention is drawn the state of your marriage to a misogynistic man. I'm sorry i can't help you much there

and for the people who haven't read the full thread;

HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR 30 YEARS. IT'S NOT THE DEMENTIA.

I'm up to page 5 of this thread but I want to point out that part of dementia is the lowering of inhibitions. My nan's care home said this was a big problem with dementia.
If this man is by nature predatory then the social contract that has prevented him acting on it may be a thing of the past. You and any other single female carer may not be safe around him.

Excellent posts @Mysteryparcels. So many excellent posts on this thread. I know you are reading them @Onetime888. I hope you take strength from our words.

This is awful OP. Your husband is happy to sacrifice you because he can't be arsed to look after his abusive father himself, or to sort out Carers.

This is absolutely appalling and your husband attitude towards you is horrifying☹️I can't believe he's just throwing you under the bus all the time like this☹️ not caring about you at all
sickening ☹️

OP I'm sorry.

If you didn't actually show him this thread, then I'm not surprised it sisn;t go well - it will not have 'broken out' of the level of conversation you've had before. Where he's minimised and you've not been able to really reveal to him what haas been happening.

Perhaps think again about showing him this thread.

You are not in the wrong.

The main thing to bear in mind is that at this stage, where your DH is feeling the overwhelming responsibility of full-on care for his father, his desire to push aside ANYTHING you say which will make his life harder here is going to be STRONG. If he can deny, minimise, gaslight you he WILL. Because he does not want to be left with ultimate everday responsibility for him.

It doesn't show your DH in a good light at all... if that even needed to be said. A man who has talked himself round to ok-ing his own dad sexually harrassing his wife because well, what can you say

I hope you are able to come back and talk about this and also, remember, if you can't talk to your so-called husband you CAN speak to the medical staff involved and flag this up as a case involving sexual abuse.

To speak more personally, a similar-ish thing happened with a mum friend. Her mum had an abusive husband, her stepdad. They lived separate lives for years. He had a heart attack and had to have care at home after a bypass. She (with encouragement) told medical staff that there was a history of abuse and she was not willing to do any personal care once he came home. They took it VERY seriously, arranged carers to bed bath etc and were on the ball with offering to refer her for counselling, etc.

Your next step, if your husband only cares out his rapey shitbag dad, would be to speak to the medical staff involved and make it clear exactly why you have no intention of putting yourself at risk. Really you should be saying this anyway so they don't ok any lone female carer coming into contact with the pig him.

I don't want to go into detail here, but you cannot go back there. I won't say how, but I knew a woman who had been in a similar situation. Not quite to this extent, but he had made many innapropriate comments for quite some time and nothing had been done, it had been passed off as, just ignore it, dad is a bit like that. What a silly old man etc. He also made comments to his grandaughter who didn't disclose the full extent of it out of shame. He became ill later in life, pushed boundaries and one day, sexually assaulted a woman in the family.

No lone female can go into that house, especially not you. I would suggest some sort of therapy for you. This is hugely traumatic and having to stamp down on this has only made it worse. I am amazed that you haven't broken down before now.

Your husband is sadly part of the problem. He cannot or will not face who his father actually is. Men like your FIL also get off on causing distress to their victims, that is likely part of the fun for him. It has probably been aggravated by the dementia, but it was already there. Unfortunately your husband is not going to support you in this by the look of things and I cannot see how you can live with him knowing that. He has completely failed you.

I am so so sorry.

I am reading all the posts, and they are absolutely amazing, thank you so much. They are giving me strength. . I will keep reading them, sometimes it hard to take the first time. I am sorry I haven't said much, I am still trying to get my head around everything. I'm a long way from getting there.

I did write a letter earlier and gave it to my husband, thinking that we could then talk and maybe if I had to, show him this thread. I didn't really want to. He doesn't know I come in to Mumsnet. I like reading the threads and sometimes commenting. It's my space.

Basically he said while he understand my feelings, they are a luxury we can't afford (not talking financially, just practically I think) and are inconvenient. And life isn't always about doing what we want. He also mentioned that I had waited till the worst possible time to tell him (after his dad got ill). I reminded him of telling him his dad was a pervert and of telling him of some of the comments over the last 30 years. He doesn't want to listen. I'm dragging up the past.

He made me feel completely insignificant. And stupid. And if it wasn't for everyone on this thread telling me otherwise I would think I was just oversensitive.

So I'm at a impasse. I'm not budging. My feelings do matter. I'm exhausted , and I'm going to try and sleep now. I would just like to say how absolutely beautiful it is that you have all tried to help me. It's overwhelming . And I will post in the morning. Thank you.

Goodnight xxxxxx

I’m glad you didn’t show him the thread, OP. I don’t think it would go down well. I think you need him to understand that his father’s behaviour is not a result of his dementia, and has been happening all along. His dementia has just removed his filter and he is no longer guarding his true, lecherous self. Maybe the neighbour will come and chat with your DH at your behest.

OP, I commented on this post last night. I’m just catching up again now and reading more of what you’ve bravely disclosed.

I’m so sorry that your Husband is not being supportive of you and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure your FIL’s disgusting behaviour for so long. You are not insignificant and you are not stupid. You are very important. It must feel so heartbreaking to discuss these circumstances with your husband and not be supported, I’m angered on your behalf. Stand in your power and refuse to do anymore. Keep coming on here for support

my feelings, they are a luxury we* can't afford and are inconvenient*

This is jaw droppingly cruel and selfish of your dh. Leave him to it... all by himself.

Hope you get some sleep op and then get angry .

I am so sorry.

Your experience with this foul sexual abuse is no less traumatic and worthy of professional help than this man's end-of-life care needs.

Tell your husband that if he cannot be there for you, you will ask to be referred for counselling and you will ask for your FIL's notes to list his sexaul abuse of you. TBH you need to do that, no female carer should be put in the situation where they are exposed to this piece of shit

Talk to one of the nurses, tell them everything. They will take this out of your coward husband's hands.

It isn’t the past though is it?

He currently comes with you every time you visit to make sure his father is actually dressed before you enter the property and then keeps him on a separate room to you at all times, even moving rooms with him as you clean the house.

If this is all in the past why the hell has he been doing all of that? Why now when his work circumstances have changed is it suddenly ok for you to visit, alone as he initially suggested and your feelings are an inconvenience?

I would be flaming mad with his total disregard of the risk to you, your mental health and physical safety simply because it makes dealing with his own father more inconvenient for him!!!

I hope you get some sleep x

Basically he said while he understand my feelings, they are a luxury we can't afford (not talking financially, just practically I think) and are inconvenient.

I think the only answer to this is -

'What you've said here simply tells me that there IS no 'we'. You don't give a shit about my wellbeing. So - good luck with your foul father. I'm not about to traumatise myself further by exposing myself to sexual harrasssment in order to make your life easier. Do it yourself. Do every fucking irritating time consuming wifework piece of shit yourself. Bye'

But yes- in short - if you don't want to show him this thread (and I can understand why not) - then this is the point where you just go straight over his head, report the abuse, tell the nurses/SS about the historry of sexual harrassment, refuse to do any care... just take it above him.

Don’t engage with your DHs nonsense dialogue - you do not have any explaining to do - the ball is firmly in his court it is his responsibility to come to terms with what you have said and what you are going to do - however long that takes him. Don’t waste your breath.

Take action.

“No” is a full sentence. Rinse and repeat one more time. Then ignore and walk away - what is he going to do - manhandle you - bundle you into the car and push you through the front door.

Then after you have done so - TELL your DH that you have informed the GP and SC services that FIL
has an ongoing sexual predatory history that may be exacerbated by dementia - so that any staff are warned and protected.

There may also be other family members, friends and neighbours that need to be warned. Imagine some kindly neighbour sending their 14 year old DD over to drop in some shopping / offer to run an errand etc. It doesn’t bare thinking about. I am sure he has done so much damage all his life and you DH in denial has colluded and enabled this.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

because OP

• if you stop going then instead of sitting round whilst you clean, he'll have to do the housework himself. And he doesn't want to.
• if you stop cooking for him, then he'll have to do it himself and he doesn't want to.

He wants all the glory of "taking care of Dad" with none of the actual work or drudge. That's your job.

So glad you have said no more. I think you need to tell SS and his GP that he's a sexual predator who likes to make sexual threats, walk around naked to distress you, and you fear for your safety. No woman should be visiting him.

Your DH/DP doesn't sound like he has your back at all!

Op if you ever feel unreasonable ask yourself, would your dh continue to clean and care for your parents while they were repeatedly abusive to him?