Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Sorry your DH reacted the way he did. Maybe it's shock mixed with guilt and with reflection he will apologise and you can move forward.

I would stick to your guns about not seeing you FIL alone. You need support.

Advise, contracting GP again and advise of them off the sexual abuse, FIL safety at home etc.

Also, advise contracting either: dementia uk or alzhemiers socitey for advise and community support.

Hopefully with the support off GP and charity you can achieve a way forward thats best for all.

You are not alone, there is help out there - it's just finding it.

It sounds like you FIL has frontotemporal dementia - which effects a persons behaviour and symptoms can inapprioate behaviour.

Good luck

Hope you got some sleep OP

the social worker is not correct that your FIL needs a diagnosis before they can do a care package - what about the many many old people who are simply frail through old age, but are cared for in the community.

they are simply fobbing you off because you are currently doing it and there is no 'need' in their eyes.

Its based on his needs. In addition, if his needs are great, even without a diagnosis (and it sounds as if the GP knows about his capabilities or non capabilities) he should be receiving attendance allowance, which could be put towards the care.

I also agree that his behaviour needs flagging to whichever care provider is brought in - inappropriate behaviour is common with dementia, but this preceeds by decades so will especially need addressing - there are plenty of male carers who can be brought in.

As for your husband, I dont really know what to say. But remember that he can make it difficult, he can rage and scream, he can sulk and call names, but he cannot actually MAKE you do it. And if his behaviour deteriorates to such an extent, well Im afraid thats probably game over.

I really hoped I would read something more positive today. Im really sorry.

You have been so strong OP. My heart goes out to you.
I'm willing to bet that this is not the only area that your husband ignores your feelings on. Has he always been 'the boss' and his wants and needs come first in the guise of what's best for everyone/ being a good wife?
No one who truly loves you would have watched this happening all of these years. He cares more about himself than you (it's not really about his father).
Please leave. Its awful to think of you having to go repeatedly into a house where you've been abused for all of these years.

Op you seem like a good person who has been taken advantage of for 30 years. I really hope that your husband realises how awful the situation is for you.

Have just read the whole thread in absolute horror at what you have been through. I am so sorry that your husband is acting this way but remember that you are entitled to safety from sexual abuse and do not let him forget this.

Hope today sees some resolution for you but take heart from the fact that you never ever have to be in your FILs presence ever again and that this IS within your control.

he understand my feelings, they are a luxury we can't afford (not talking financially, just practically I think) and are inconvenient. And life isn't always about doing what we want

If he does understand your feelings he plainly doesn't care about them.

Its not "we" its you.

This is the man you are supposed to be sharing your life with, able to trust and rely on telling you that you must put up with even more yeares sexual harrassment to make his life easier and more convenient?

And you are to do this despite the fact that you also are working?

And then spend the rest of your life contentedly with him after doing this to you?

Not sure if this has already been said OP, but should the professional agencies become involved with this, they'd unlikely allow female carers for this man. Why then, is your DH willing to put you into the danger?

He sees FIL as more vulnerable than you and he is totally unwilling to recognise how predatory he is. I've been on MN for 14 years and rarely am I shaken by what I read. I find this post very disturbing and am truly concerned for your wellbeing. Your DH is enabling this man and his abuse of his own wife - dear God, I feel sick even writing that.

Time to put yourself first now

Nothing new to add OP but the idea that your husband sees protect inf you from abuse as a 'luxury', and that he believes he gets to decide what you do, are both very revealing of his attitude. Sadly he grew up with a revolting sexual predator so even if he has overcome some of his upbringing, the sexism and diminution of women into "a service" seems to have stuck.

It might be good to find some help and/or healing space for yourself now, to build yourself back up so you can do what is right for you, whatever that might turn out to be.

Meant to add, I am so sorry you have been treated like this by these men. You absolutely don't have to accept any of it.

Clearly the Apple does not fall far from the tree and your husband has been brought up to see no value in women by his vile Dad.

Get out of there. The Dad is not the only abuser in that family.

I'm so sorry your husband has responded to you like that.

What I will say is that now is the time for you to gather support - start telling people. I can't remember if you said you had approached your GP for counselling but if you haven't then please do so and tell them why, get it in your notes. Your FIL has been abusing you and this should be documented. If there's other sources of support you can lean on - friends, relatives and so on, please do so.

It's going to be terribly hard for you to resist the pressure from your DH and social norms without back up. Don't forget that you are in the right and you shouldn't ever be expected to be in the presence of your FIL ever again. No one reasonable would ask that of you.

I'm not sure where you can go from here OP because he is bascially downplaying the harrassment to something you need to deal with because it makes his life easier. No understanding at all of how it makes you feel

@Timekeeper1

Your FIL is a SEXUAL PREDATOR. And your husband is a lowlife for making you even go to his father's house. Wtf is wrong with your husband? Do you have a daughter? How would your husband feel if his daughter's FIL made horrible sexual predatory comments and threats to her? Any father would want to go to that man and rip his head off! Your husband has no empathy for you at all. Any real man would have knocked his father flying across the table, disowned him, and refused to see him ever again, EVER again.

That your husband still had contact with him is stomach churning (and if he 'has no one else', that's HIS problem. It is not yours. No victim should have contact with a sexual predator JUST because they 'have no one else [I wonder why?]'. Let his father rot and die alone. Your husband chooses his sexual predator father over his own wife and mother of his children. He is not a man, he is not a husband or a father. He is a disgrace. I would never have been paying his bills, you shouldn't even know of his existence, let alone helping him out. Can't you put him in a nursing home or something? I'd just make him a 'ward of the state' type thing and refuse to acknowledge he exists. But then again, my husband would have taken sexual predatory comments and threats to me so seriously his father would have landed over chairs clear across the room. He wouldn't stand for that, and I would have left him if he had any contact with his father whatsoever. Your husband is a grub and is no different from his father. Leave them both and start a new life away from the predator and the predator's enabler; or tell your husband you want his father made a ward of the state and put in a nursing home so you never have to see him ever again and show him this thread.

All this. This exactly. Please read this OP

Oh my god I am so fucking FURIOUS with your husband!!! If it wasn't completely inappropriate for a stranger to ask for your phone number I'd ask for it from you so that I could ring your husband and tear his ear off about how much of a fucking abuse enabling spineless selfish shit he is being!

Once more for those at the back your fucking shit husband:

FREEDOM FROM ABUSE AND ASSAULT IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT.

Fuck you so much to anybody your husband who dares to try to minimise and excuse thirty years of abuse.

Fuck. You. Husband.

How dare he minimise your boundaries about not putting up with his and his father's sexist abusive shit any longer as just Your feelings and a luxury we can't afford

What he is saying quite clearly is that your safety and welfare is not as important to him, as him not being inconvenienced by having to do and organise shit for his own father himself.

This is not about your FIL's welfare, that's a red herring. This is about your husband not wanting to be inconvenienced. Don't get me wrong, it's a hell of an inconvenience to look after ageing parents, I've got two and it's all down to me. Funnily enough I'm doing it as a single person who works full time. It's perfectly possible to do it for not just one but two parents without a spouse to help. Your husband could do it all for his father himself and go to work. It's just more convenient to him to do the absolute minimum to keep his wife happy while she does everything.

In telling you you had waited until the worst time to tell him he is still centering how inconvenient it all is for him. He's not centering you, the victim of 30 years of abuse, or his frail perverted father. Its all about woe is me, my wife is stepping out of line just when I need her to stay in line.

He's also gaslighting you heavily in saying that you waited until a bad time. Remember and keep reminding yourself that you have been telling him for 30 years. It is NOT your fault if he wasn't listening. He knows that it is too unsafe to leave his father around you unattended, that is NOT news to him. REMEMBER THIS.

As for not telling him the detail, you're the victim, and it's not his place to care more about the inconvenient timings of your disclosure than the contents of it. I can fully understand why you haven't told him more. You are somebody who has been trying to be reasonable and protect your husband from having to face the reality of what a monster his father is, and to be helpful and supportive. You've also lived with a husband who has minimised your experience for 30 years, no wonder you didn't tell him the worst of it!!

He made me feel completely insignificant. And stupid.

He's had years of practice doing this to you.

So I'm at a impasse. I'm not budging. My feelings do matter.

YES!!! GOOD FOR YOU!! Seriously I'm cheering and cheerleading you all the way on! Absolutely stay strong and resolute like an immovable rock. And watch that your own language towards yourself hasn't been gaslit - it's not just your feelings that matter, it's your safety and god damn right to be free from abuse.

You can't rely on your husband to keep you safe, so you're doing it yourself.

Steel yourself. Expect your husband's attitude (and I'm going to start calling it abuse now if he hasn't done a complete U turn this morning) to get worse before it gets better. He's like a toddler who is finding that the whingeing that previously got him a bag of sweets to keep him quiet is no longer getting him sweets. He has found that his usual tactics to manipulate you into giving him his way aren't working. He's going to step up to a full blown tantrum. He'll still expect you to back down and be a good obedient wifey if he just shouts loud enough. He's going to be horrified when you don't. He's going to be worried that he will be inconvenienced.

The only way through this is to not give him an inch now. You've got to work hard against all your life long conditioning that women should be nice, and a marriage long conditioning that you should compromise to fulfil your husband's needs wants. Stay strong. Remember that you are SO not being unreasonable. Stay resolute, and remember that we've got your back. You can do this.

I'm sorry your husband is prioritising his awful father's needs over your right to feel safe and happy - but he has been doing this for 30 years. This is probably crunch time for your marriage, but really - is a man who will not protect his wife such a great loss?

Do not give in. Refuse to be alone with your FIL, it isn't safe. Report your concerns re his behaviour and be the squeaky wheel with Social Services and the GP. Either your FIL gets professional care/goes into a home, or your DH does it all, or your FIL is on his own. End of story.

Hi Op, I am so angry for you, yr husband is disgusting putting you in this position. I am frightened you will be attacked when on yr own even an old man can be remarkably strong. You must not go there alone, refuse to do any care please!

What happens when yr FIL starts messing himself and he will believe me, yr husband will expect you to clear him up.

Please be strong you can do this. After all the abuse you owe them both nothing xxxxxx

@iMatter

You husband is telling you to be alone every day with a sexual predator who has made abusive threats and sexually inappropriate comments to you for 30 years.

Is he also telling you that when your FIL assaults you you have to put up and shut up?

Your husband is a disgrace

This. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Don’t ever set foot in his house or lift a finger towards his care, in fact act like he’s dead. And focus on sorting yourself out and proceeding with separating from your husband who has been and continues to be complicit in your abuse. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, has it? I can’t fathom exposing someone I love to a split second of this appalling treatment, if it were my parent he’d be left to rot. Your husband is almost as much to blame as your FiL in my book. You poor thing.

they are a luxury we can't afford

This line makes me sick. It's wrong on so many levels. Your health and safety is a luxury??? Extraordinary.

So much great advice on this thread. Your DH should be supporting you, instead he's sacrificing you. He doesn't get to do this. Don't let him.

I am so sorry OP but not being sexually assaulted (and I think what your FIL has done IS sexual assault) is not a luxury it’s a basic human right
Your DH is putting him being inconvenienced above keeping you safe and that’s just not acceptable

Morning everyone. I slept thank you. I'm still in my bed actually . I'm staying here all morning. My husband went to "work" at eight. I can hear him talking in the office ( spare room), he hasn't spoken to me since last night, I'm waiting to see if he brings me a tea at ten. Like he usually does.

I'm still struggling to get my head around this.
I know it sounds like I'm in denial but I KNOW I am much more important to my husband than his dad. It's like he's brainwashed. No matter what happens you do what you have to. You do what's expected.

He said last night if we stopped caring for his dad we would have to move away, he couldn't live close to his dad anymore. I said fine. Put the house in the market. I was serious. He was annoyed at me for that, "I'm being blasé ". But I am serious. It sounded blissful. I think it was supposed to shock me into just staying with the status quo. He has no idea. I am not budging. Under any circumstances.

I'm waiting for my father in law's GP surgery to phone back. He has two doctors that are taking an interest in him, one who is pushing the dementia assessment on, and one that's dealing with him physically. I've spoken to both of them quite a lot this year. One of the times I spoke to them, they wanted to know my direct relationship to him. They asked if I was his daughter, I said no, daughter in law. They said something like "well, that's something", I can only imagine he's just saying stuff to everyone now. It's humiliating.

I'm going to tell the doctors about the comments and tell them that I'm no longer willing to be a contact and won't be taking anything to do with him anymore. . The thing I need to ask my husband about is do I tell them to contact him from this point onwards, or do I tell them that FIL is frail, unable to take care of himself and unsupported? I am ready to tell them the latter. I don't care if I'm judged for it.

The money situation/ inheritance that people asked about. FIL has a property , and about £60k in savings . My husband is adamant he doesn't care about protecting it.. We were always going to be looking at putting him into a home when the time is right. Maybe this has changed for my DH, I don't know.

My FIL has two pensions on top of his state one , his income alone could pay for maybe £250-£300 a week towards carers, and then any benefits we would apply for on top of that. So money isn't, or shouldn't be, an issue.

It just gets worse doesn't it. I'm starting to really feel detached from this. Writing this down, knowing how pathetic I sound. I am just like... Who the hell did I turn into?

We only found out my FIL had savings recently, he often asked us for money to top up his bills, and to pay for things. We only found out when we took over his finances the last year or two. It's just who he is.

So that's me... I'm going to look into accessing counselling. I'm just looking for someone privately, I'm just going to look after myself until my husband either gets the reality of my situation... Or he doesn't.

It's kind of surreal just not caring about FIL. Just deciding it is not my burden to bear. I'm not disliking it so far.

I can't believe the comments, I always like to respond to everyone that posts but that just isn't possible. I'm really thankful. I read them all, over and over. If I hadn't posted I wouldn't be decided and moving on. I would still be stuck thinking that was life. So thank you . Sincerely, I thank you.

This next bit is going to be hard though. But it's taking care of me for a change.

Make him understand that you've only done what you've done so far is because of the love for him. You've gone through years of pushing yourself that bit extra for your dh. Now you've reached the end of your tether mentally. What dh thinks he's asking of you now, you've already done and reached full capacity.

At the end of the day what's to stop him physically abusing you? You might be able to prevent anything really awful happening due to his age, but don't underestimate the emotional impact of even groping. And sometimes even frail people are physically stronger than they seem when adrenaline is present. Don't underestimate him.

Just read your last post. Well done on detaching. What happens now, will happen but the decision is nothing to do with you any more. Good luck with your dh this morning.

I still think you should get dh to read the thread. Block out, or cut out, your user name if you want privacy.

Oh and why does you not being involved, mean that you both stop caring for his dad and you have to move away? Your dh can still continue with carers doing the bits you were doing. I'm sure you'll even continue providing portions of food for one. That's more than enough doing your bit.

He said last night if we stopped caring for his dad we would have to move away, he couldn't live close to his dad anymore.

I don't understand how you no longer doing cleaning for him means that your DH has 'stopped caring' for him. Is he just angry that you won't be the cleaner anymore?

Why can't FIL pay for a cleaner to do those jobs whilst DH sits with him like before. Or why can't your DH do the cleaning?

I think your DH is more pissed off that he's lost his personal skivvy than any feelings he has towards his dad.