Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

I've just read this entire thread. Nothing wise to add, but a handhold. I hope you can get through to your husband

Really hoping the best for you, op.

Oh my goodness. I have just read through the whole thread. I'm amazed you have kept this quiet and carried on putting up with things for the past 3 decades. I can understand why, you probably didn't want to upset your MIL or your husband. But now you must speak up.

I am a nurse (well, a Sister now), and have worked in hospitals for nearly 22yrs. In all that time, if a patient was sexually inappropriate like your FIL is, we would ensure staff would ALWAYS go in pairs to look after the patient in. Where possible male staff would go in, if female staff were at risk of being targeted for abuse. If male staff weren't available, two experienced/senior staff members would go in (I wouldn't allow the younger/newer staff to go in as I have more experience of dealing with patients like this - plus I remember what it was like having to deal with this sort of thing when I was a very young HCA/student). Over the years, I've been punched, slapped, kicked, spat at, sworn at, propositioned, verbally abused, flashed at and so on by patients (most of whom would have been very decent people prior to dementia affecting them). I'm lucky though, in that I've managed to keep myself pretty safe, and I'm in a hospital where help is never far away. I've heard of cases where patients chase staff, grab at their clothes, masturbate in front of staff, even try to barricade staff into their rooms. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to make things very clear just how things can be, and how you should absolutely not put yourself at risk. These situations can escalate quickly. I wouldn't go in to care for your FIL without a second staff member there, and reading what you wrote, I would insist on my staff going in pairs, and absolutely would not send my very young/inexperienced colleagues in. Yes, your FIL maybe be a vulnerable adult, and may need care, but not at the expense of the safety of my staff.

Please please tell your husband the whole truth, every last bit of it. All the awful things that he has said and done to you over the years. Explain that this isn't a new thing and you worry (quite rightly) that it is escalating (he's now exposing himself to you). Have your husband get GP and SS involved and please please hand over to them that carers should either go in as pairs, or have a male carer go in. My 22yr old niece is a home carer, I would be horrified if she had to deal with someone like you FIL and she wasn't properly safeguarded. I know how strong seemingly elderly/frail people are.

I hope that the talk with your husband goes smoothly. Look after yourself x

Handhold for tonight.

You have self sacrificed enough for 30 years - to spare your DH embarrassment and shame and I suspect out of loyalty for your MiL.

This 30 year endurance of repeated verbal, sexual, emotional, harassment and assault has left you traumatised. Walking back into this sexual predators lair is re-traumatising you each time. You are emotionally vulnerable and your body is telling you to flee.

Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t let anyone minimise what you have experienced.

I would ask your DH never to mention his DF name or share any info about him again.

I would ask your daughter if she has been subjected to his abuse.

I am sorry you have endured this and hope that your DH affords you the protection you afforded him for 30 years.

It didn't go well. A lot worse than I expected.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do now.

It went bad early in the conversation. I can't believe his dad is actually more important than I am. I'm giving some time and see how things look tomorrow.

I didn't actually show him the thread, so that's something.

Thank you for your kind posts, I am just working out whats happening. I just feel empty.

Oh no, OP. I'm
Sorry. Xx

So very sorry to hear that OP but though it's gone badly please don't allow yourself to be bullied into carrying on with the care/help.

Don't do it. Thinking of you.

Oh OP I’m so so sorry, unmumsnetty hugs. Stay strong x

You should have shown him the thread first.

OP - at least now you've explained the entire situation to him, he's responded and you now have a lot more clarity about how he feels.

It must be a terrible blow to realise he values his father over you.

I'm so sorry OP. Can't believe your DH hasn't understood. Please listen to what TicTac said and act accordingly. Do not back down. Do you think that once your DH calms down, he'll back you? If he doesn't then walk away, with your head held high.

Yes, stay strong OP.

Sorry you're giving him time?! He has heard how awful it's been for you and he's taking the 'poor me' stance?!!

So sorry OP

Stay strong and don’t be bullied or emotionally manipulated into putting up with this any longer, you’re worth SO much more x

I’m so sorry the talk with your husband didn’t go well. You have time to decide what you want to do next.

As pp say you know where things stand. I would actually worry now if his F actually became physical he would minimise this and gaslight you into continuing to care.

I'm sorry OP. Perhaps it's not his dad that is important to him, but himself. It's not easy caring for elderly parents, fighting ss for care as you are well aware of.

In your dh's mind, it all went so well with you doing the hard work/catering to them both, being harassed. He is protecting himself instead of you . Please, please promise yourself you will never set foot in FIL's house ever again and find some therapy to talk this through .

I'm so angry with you husband on your behalf 😤.

You could write down all the things he said and instances he said them. So your DH cannot ignore the black and white writing.
If your FIL stranger on the street or a neighbour you'd have reported him to the police ages ago.

This is awful. So sorry @Onetime888. Please keep us updated...

It might be good to write a letter op. Put it all in the letter - what he's said and done, how you feel. He needs time to read and digest it and to reflect.

People can be funny like that. Once they have got all the information they get time to think. At the moment he's not understanding why. And he needs to.

@Onetime888 I am so so sorry for what you’ve been through with this vile horrible man. It is disgusting sexual harassment (I don’t know specifically what it would be legally) but you hold absolutely no blame here and you don’t need to put up with a single second more. This is non negotiable and you should feel confident in saying this. You are worth more than your husband seems to be suggesting.

It is unacceptable that your husband does not back you up with this. That is not the actions of a caring, loving husband. Now he knows all the detail (and you really do need to be blunt with this, don’t whitewash) he is being selfish and horrible to expect you to put up with it. It’s likely some of his father's abhorrent views have rubbed off on him if he thinks you should just put up with this. No doubt this is something big he has to tackle but this is NOT your responsibility.

In terms of getting social services to take this seriously, I have some personal experience of this. I recently managed to get social services to move my elderly relative into a care home within 2 weeks of sending a very clear and carefully constructed email setting out the specific risks and that there was nobody available to care for her. I set out examples of when things had gone badly wrong, safeguarding issues etc etc. It worked. They don’t want to have all that in writing sitting in their records because if something happens they don’t want to be liable.

I’m happy to help you draft something - though obviously your husband would probably need to be on board, though you could do it without him. I also work with a local authority quite closely with social worker teams as well so know what they listen to!

Please don’t let yourself be subject to this any longer. Can I also gently suggest you look at getting some counselling to talk through your boundaries? I think it could be helpful. I’m so sorry

I absolutely hate all of this, when I phoned SWD , they actually said that we were asking for the type of help that most families naturally provided

What they mean is "woman, its your job". Its almost better when they are honest and tell they just want you to keep their costs down. I've recently seen an elderly and vulnerable patient being shipped across county borders because that kept them in hospital, an NHS bill, rather than "using" social care budget.

However your FiL is an abusive fucker since long before any dementia set in. Your husband is enabling that and either ignoring or not caring about the effect on you. I wouldn't assume your MiL had no idea what was happening she may well have been another of his victims.

If he wont accept paid care, then he either deals with it himself or if he is incapable then get a guardian appointed or power of attorney (maybe DH) and they can organise private care until his money runs out.

You might find it hard to live for the next 30 years with a man who is content to see you abused in this way. He needs to resolve the issues with his father's care or he will fine himself doing it as a single man.

And agree with pp I think it would be helpful to write up the list of everything (or as much as you can think of) your horrible FIL has done to you. It really is abhorrent. See if your husband can dismiss it then.