Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Just want to send you a big hug, @Onetime888
Previous posters have articulated way better than me.
I really like @TheCraicDealer's post. And Fizzy, yours is spot on too.

You can do this OP

Thank you. If I could give you all the biggest hug in the world , I would.

I can't believe how amazing every single one of you are.

Thank you so very much.

You're the amazing one, Onetime888.

I have a very similar FIL. Thank God we're 12,000 miles away from him.

Stay strong, and definitely think about getting that counselling.

Incidentally, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about.

God this is awful. I can not believe what your husband is expecting you to put up with.
You need to stick to your guns and actually tell him how bloody awful it is for him to put you through this.
Personally I would be leaving him.

OP if you feel strong enough, maybe float a question at DH about his childhood with FIL. Something about the way he wont acknowledge his fathers abuse of you strikes me as a conditioned response which is very deeply rooted. Was your DH emotionally abused or witnessed emotional abuse as a child (and so thinks it is something that is acceptable)?

None of that would excuse his (DH’s) behavior, but it might explain it. Then you could consider if you want to help DH access some help.

Either way I think you should suggest to DH that he needs some counseling. Maybe your suggesting that his actions are off base enough to need treatment will shock him into re evaluating how he is assessing the situation

You really do hold all the cards here
Yes and that is why he is trying so hard to gaslight you into thinking that you don't have any power or control in this situation
He's trying to make you take the hit because he doesn't want to, the only way he can achieve his aim is by gaslighting you into thinking that you are powerless and you must comply.

You are amazing OP and for what it's worth, I'd return the hug.

I'd also be tempted to have lunch - I'd also yearn for recognition, acceptance and unconditional support from my DH.

I hope that he has your back today.

But I still think that you need to accept and process that he has not had your back for 30 years. He has not protected you or had any empathy for you when he witnessed these heinous behaviours. He threw you under the bus, time and time again by his silence.

Your DH silence enabled your FIL to assault you time and time again - right out in the open with your DH complicit permission.

He also went further than this yesterday - moving from implicit approval to explicit by demanding you swallow your feelings and tolerate this.

Think about that before you are too generous with him. You didn’t have to endure any of this for 30 long years after the first incident if your DH had stepped up.

He needs to understand the gravity of his actions.

You don’t need your husband’s permission or agreement to tell the GP and social services to contact him directly, he is FIL’s next of kin. Tell them to remove you as a contact & maybe offer to do the financial stuff as a way of helping your DH.
Never set foot in FIL’s house again.

If it was me I'd write down everything I remembered on individual post it notes.
Ask him what he would put with from someone. Put one down after another, ask him he how you should feel, because you feel let down after doing your best for years you've reached your limit and your husband doesn't support you.
Tell him you're never going around again, so what's the plan.

Good luck, @Onetime888.

Remember that you're not asking for anything here! Your husband isn't doing you any favours by being sad! He should be FURIOUS with his father and yes, with himself.

He was complicit in your abuse. And there might varied and complicated reasons for that but ultimately you were the victim of it. You've suffered at both their hands.

And I'm not saying that you should leave. I'm just saying you should bear in mind that again, there's only ONE victim in all of this.

OP what has been happening to you is terribly wrong, FIL is a controlling sexually abusive man.
He has been for decades and with his whole family.
Such people groom and control all of the family around them, not just the ones they abuse. It enables them to create an environment which not only allows the abuse to happen but normalizes it.
Your DH should absolutely be supporting you much much more than he is.
But after decades of grooming and normalization he may not be able to yet.
I would suggest that he gets some support for himself to try and detach himself from this very toxic family thinking he has been brought up in.
I think I would insist on him doing this if I was going to stay with him, otherwise there is a risk you will just be blamed for everything that comes next because it is easier in these families to blame the victims rather than the abusers.

I'm so sorry OP, maybe it might help to split it into two - in your head at least. The immediate issue, you are not going to care for your dreadful FiL, and your husband needs to face up to his father's treatment of you and his own part in enabling this.

And then longer term, maybe some counselling for you, and perhaps couples counselling for the two of you together

I can’t understand why you haven’t told your husband everything, it makes no sense. If your FIL has been like this for thirty years, it’s highly unlikely you’re his only victim. This is not the time for keeping secrets, get it all out in the open.

I think the extent to which your husband is in denial suggests some unprocessed trauma from childhood?

Well done OP, you are doing so well. You FIL is an abusive predator.
Just also wanted to say re the comment about that’s how they talk in his work I did work experience as a 14 year old on an oil refinery- the break room was papered in page 3 pics so fairly rough, but even those guys could keep themselves clean around a young women, so if you H throws that line it is bullshit.

Keep going, you deserve not to ever have to think about this man again, let alone see him.

And then on top of all that, they both let things go , they both heard comments about how my FIL saw me as "a goer", they heard him commenting about my breasts and backside, one time (in front of my husband) he asked if I ever thought about prostitution and he would be first in the line. (Hilarious joke that was) I keep writing more but then deleting because it's just sick.

OH MY GOODNESS! I'm so sorry @Onetime888. This actually made me want to heave, so God only knows how you felt at the time, and since.

I can understand, up to a point, your MIL not pulling your FIL up on this but your husband?! Really?!! He should be grateful that you not only stayed married to him and bore him children but you had ANYTHING to do with his father from that point on.

I'm sorry, but your husband is an Enabler and in your shoes, at this point, I'd be making steps to make a life without both him and his grim father. 🌹

Even if FIL had no money whatsoever, and you had none whatsoever to pay for care you shouldn't have been expected to look after him in any way, or organise his care through the council/GP etc after what he put you through - actually even if he hadn't been abusive all that couldn't have been expected of you, it would have been your DH's job and whatever you do would be voluntary and willingly.

But with this whole history of abuse, and with the material resources to organise alternative care provision for your DH to expect you to be involved in any way is cruel and abusive, even though he himself might not have been doing it deliberately or consciously - still no excuse!
When you met FIL first he was similar age to your DH now? Would your DH be allowed to get away with similar behaviour with his potential DIL (if you have a son,if not, just imagine) because he's "elderly" or people in his job background talk like that (what job is that anyway? Harvey Weinstein's sidekick?)
Ask DH that...

OP you are not responsible for this man, he is no father to you, he is (putting it mildly) a rude entitled man who is trying to shame and control you and use you for his own entertainment.
Just because he is the father of your husband, and he has got old, doesn't make a difference.
Stick to your guns, he is a nasty abusive presence in your life that you don't need.

You reply should be I don't care how they speak in his work, no one speaks to me like that
What a rancid old git☹️

You have achieved a profound shift in a toxic family dynamic just in the last 24 hours and I am in admiration of your courage.

I would not be surprised if there’s a long history in your husband’s family of enabling inappropriate and bullying behaviour due to fear and shame and not wanting the whole edifice to come tumbling down. It’s a bit like Stockholm Syndrome - even though the whole situation is toxic and harmful, it is what is familiar and thus everyone tiptoes around it. Familial denial is an incredibly powerful tool used to silence any dissent and you have shown such strength to be able to make your stand against it - you have broken that pattern by having the courage to speak out. Your husband must know deep down that there’s no going back now that the enabling patterns around this vile bully have been exposed and shattered. Stay strong. Your voice needs to be heard.

I don't tell my husband the worst things because I am deeply ashamed and because I'm scared it still wouldn't make any difference to him. I was a virgin when I met my husband, I'd had lechy comments through my teenage years, I'd been objectified a lot. I was used to it to a point but this was different. It was a lot different.

I've always told myself it's because I don't want my husband to know just how awful his dad is. But that's the truth.

Do you think you could bear to write them down OP? He really does need to know it all.

He's already not behind you so it can't be worse.

I hope your lunch goes well and your husband realises that putting his wife at serious risk of being raped by his father is totally insane now he has had time to think about it and not reacted emotionally without thinking.