Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

You are so strong.
Your husband is an arse, he really is and I know my partner would never put me in the same position and would go No contact himself if his parents did what your FIL has, from the 1st incident 30yrs ago!!!

Im so glad you are sticking to your guns.

I would simply tell the GP that for 30 yrs, youve been abused by FIL and its worse now and therefore youve finally decided, Enough. Therefore, you will have zero to do with the situation but do give your DH number to do the GP.

From this Day onwards, you never have to deal with that vile disgusting arsehole again ....
Lets hope you can now decide on what to do about your husband and his disregard for you.

All the best OP, enjoy today with a clear mind, with zero guilt or further thought again x

So you've detached - and that probably doesn't feel like a positive to you now, but it really is. It will give you the strength to stand firm on this. Congratulations to OP's husband - you've finally pushed her to breaking point and this is what it gets you: a wife who will stand up for herself.

You've made some excellent decisions overnight - now stick to them.

I am glad you have told your DH you are done and the FOG (fear obligation guilt) has lifted and you have detached.

FIL has the means to afford care for quite some time and you are willing to help sort that out and DH should be appreciative.

I hope therapy really helps you.

Fabulous! I love the idea of you sitting in bed waiting for a cup of tea to be brought in calmly not giving a fuck.

You are right of course. You matter. Your husband will get it - stick to your guns.

Wonder if the SW comment was because having has contact with FIL they realised what a pervert he is & were relieved you were not his natural daughter? I should think a lot of the people in the system are women so hes going to find himself exposed (so to speak) quickly.

Anyway...Not. Your. Problem.

Keep going OP. You sound amazing. Broken record with your husband. Detach detach detach.

You have done more than anybody could possibly ask of you. Your have lived with an intolerable situation for more than half your life! Time to move on now.

Onetime888 you’ve had to put up with a lot but from day one your dh didn’t want to know what your fil was doing to you. Did fil speak to his wife like this? Did your dh grow up hearing his father speak to his mother in this way?

There has to be a reason why your dh doesn’t think what he is saying to you is bad enough for you to not want to be around him. I find that really disturbing. I’m really sorry you’ve had to put up with this for such a long time. What he has said to you is horrible and verbally violent. You must keep your children away from this man.

Be careful, the son often turns in to the father. I think your dh has a deep misogynistic current running through him.

Outside of the comments why on earth does your husband not want to bring in carers

Unless OP the reason is he knows exactly how his father will be to any female carer that comes through his door.

The thing I need to ask my husband about is do I tell them to contact him from this point onwards, or do I tell them that FIL is frail, unable to take care of himself and unsupported?

tell them both

I just want to say how amazed I am that you have managed to support your FIL for so long. Working from home AND wife work AND working for your fil is hard work, without all the abuse you are being subject to. You are incredible. Your H (sorry but can’t put DH atm) doesn’t want to acknowledge what has gone on over the years but he is certainly aware of how bad it is, if not he wouldn’t be doing the very basic things he is currently doing (going in first, moving fil to different rooms and so on). He’s probably also feeling very guilty as well as conflicted and scared about what is going on with his dad. This is NOT your problem. How he deals with HIS dad is HIS problem.
If you want to remain in your marriage, the most your role should be is to support your dh as a partner, part of a functional team- that includes his responsibility to care for you. He deserves supporting WHEN and IF he also respects you. You have been doing a lot more than this for him, he has done nothing towards the respecting of you. You have also been totally supporting your FIL.
I am concerned that you are not getting any help or support for anyone irl. You deserve and really need it.
I think you probably need professional support for yourself. All of this abuse, endured over the years and bottled up... you have had a tough time for so long. I echo what @candycane222? said: It might be good to find some help and/or healing space for yourself now, to build yourself back up so you can do what is right for you, whatever that might turn out to be.
Go to your gp. Tell them how it’s been. Tell them how I’ll you feel when you think of having to see your fil.
You deserve support too.

@Onetime888 You're doing so well.

Hold. Firm.

When the adrenaline eases, and your "d"h starts in with the guilt and the manipulation - that's when you'll wobble.

Please, please, please remember that you absolutely do not have to live this way.

I think having yourself removed as a contact needs to be the immediate concern. I'm not even sure I'd have a conversation with his GPs.

When they phone I would say "I am not involved in his care anymore due to 30 years of escalating sexual abuse. My husband's number is 12345. He'll decide what steps to take next."

I wouldn't speak to him about it first, either. Let him take the calls. Let him make the decisions.

The only saving grace here is that he might have had a bit of a shock in the middle of all of this stress with his father.

You are adamant that he's a good man. And none of us know him.

But don't let his supposed goodness be used as a stick to bash you with.

Well done. Keep going.

Your FIL doesn’t sound fit to be living on his own even without his disgusting comments. His gas has been turned off because he was incapable of using it safely. He’s wandering around without clothes. In my opinion he’s past the stage of having home care. He’s not going to keep caters anyway if he speaks like that. Care companies aren’t going to send carers in to be abused. So you’re probably going to have to pay for double carers. At this point I’d be talking to care homes.

With my MIL and her refusal to have carers we actually got the (private) care company to visit her and they told her if she wanted to be able to stay in her own home she really needed to allow people to help her. She seemed to listen to them more than her.

But you need to get angry about your husband. Had he really no idea how bad your FIL has been? At all? Have you told him anything previously? If not I can understand his surprise a little, but he should be horrified. Keep stressing that you’re not saying your FIL doesn’t need caring for, just that you need professional people in to do it as you can’t cope with him. If he really won’t listen then it really is time to assess the point of the marriage.

Sorry, took so long to post (domestic distraction in the middle 🙄) that I missed your update.
Well done! So glad you are detaching and seeking support for yourself. Well done. It’s the right thing.
Hope you got the cup of tea in bed .
and a for him!

You not being harrassed, abused and threatened with sexual assault by his disgusting father is NOT a fucking luxury

If hes a good man he will have reflected & will be starting to accept this, even if hes not 100% showing it. Men fight their corner hard - & if they dont win they think about it & later come to terms with what it means. They might have a few more attempts but if shut down strongly enough will get it eventually.

Often the closer they are to realising the other person has a point the harder they fight. Women dont get that, they just dont want the conflict so back down when they didnt need to. They give in when in his head he had decided shes probably right.

Calmly staying strong, providing more evidence/reasons as needed & the broken record technique mentioned by @BackwardsGoing is the way forward. Not discussing it unless he initiates, being normal otherwise (not extra nice, not pissed off) & just detaching from the situation.

Exactly what the OP appears to be doing in other words. No guilt, no rushing to placate, no apologies for inconveniencing him, just hopefully continuing as normal being loving & calm. Support of her DH but clear that its no more contact or involvement.

I hope you got your cup of tea OP! If not fear not. Keep doing whjat you are doing & if he gets too huffy take yourself off out shopping for the day if you can.

Hope you're ok op. Your H sounds quite manipulative. The threat to sell the house - and then accusing you of being blasé for agreeing, when it was his suggestion!

My goodness OP you've been treated so appallingly for so long. By both your FIL and your DH. I suspect a lifetime of dealing with his father has affected your DH but that really isn't any excuse for him to stand by and accept his wife being sexually assaulted. Moving away and counselling would probably benefit him too.

Have some in case your 'D'H hasn't brought you any.

This is very worrying and distressing, OP. You’re describing a potentially dangerous sexual predator; frankly I suspect he’s acted on his fantasies before now. Your DH sounds controlled by him and scared of him. Are there any siblings around or is DH an only? I’m asking in case there is anyone else who could support you. You have been drawn into the collusion that all is normal here when it very much is not. You’ve been extremely brave in naming the issue clearly and loudly to your DH, who needs break free himself by the sounds of it.

You don't need a diagnosis for a care plan. There seems to be plenty of evidence that he can't safely look after himself. Start the process of making a formal application for a care assessment under the Care Act 2014 - do it in writing, not just by phone. If or when they do the assessment, crystal clear that you will not be providing any care. Social Services always try to guilt-trip family members into providing care, but I think you can turn that right back by saying that you have absolutely no duty to subject yourself to sexual abuse and harassment and it is professionally improper for them to suggest that you should.

The conversation will go like

Me
I can't take direct care if your dad anymore. He makes me feel uncomfortable, he says things that are appropriate to me.

My DH
But he's got dementia now, he's not responsible now. Are you just leaving me to deal with the biggest responsibility I have? By myself?

Me
But he triggers me, my mental health has suffered, I'm struggling every day. I shouldn't have to tolerate this. It's verbal sexual abuse. Nobody should have to tolerate this.

Your answer is perfectly correct, but I think you would get further by dealing with the accusation that you're leaving it all to your husband. A better response might be "No, I'm not leaving it to you, I'm saying we have to go to Social Services and/or bring in professional carers or consider a care home. It's better for him and better for you.*

The counselling is a good idea,. Several people I know, who were beyond stressed about the demands placed on them by elderly parents found it very useful. There is a need to unravel the historic baggage, work out suitable limits and boundaries, and how to enforce them.

I think your DH needs this as much as you. He sounds like a victim, whose strategy so far has been to appease rather than confront.

The best outcome is for you to work through this together. It won’t be easy but confronting issues of the past and overcoming them is rewarding. And makes it easier to support the parent in a constructive but appropriate way.

The thing that stood out was he wants to move so he didn’t have to care for his father

So he does see it as wife work

I’m another that is glad you’ve detached and have said no more

Wait for the guilting

The gaslighting which he’s already doing but expect more of the same

Tantrums and silent treatment.

Don’t stand for it and call him out on it every time

He knows his father is a danger that’s why he went in first but why does he think it’s now safe for you alone to go in that’s what gets me.

he doesn’t care about your safety As he thinks frail old man well those frail old folks can be bloody stronger than you think.

Ask him outright what would he do if his father sexually assaults you.
That would give you an answer on how he sees it.

@Onetime888 I really hope you're not posting because he brought you tea and is now apologising!

Mysteryparcels heroic post!!!

I'm really glad you're still feeling positive this morning.

I'm still struggling to get my head around this.

Take as much time as you need. Xx

He said last night if we stopped caring for his dad we would have to move away, he couldn't live close to his dad anymore. I said fine. Put the house in the market. I was serious. He was annoyed at me for that, "I'm being blasé ".

This is your husband gaslighting you again. And also not taking an ounce of responsibility himself for his own father - there's no "we" that have decided to stop caring for him - YOU have decided to stop. Your H may or may not also decide to stop he never started but that's his decision independent of yours.

Still expect more manipulative lines like this and for them to ramp up: see previous similie with toddler tantrums. It will get worse before it gets better.

I'm going to tell the doctors about the comments and tell them that I'm no longer willing to be a contact and won't be taking anything to do with him anymore. . The thing I need to ask my husband about is do I tell them to contact him from this point onwards, or do I tell them that FIL is frail, unable to take care of himself and unsupported?

You don't actually need your husband's permission for this. The important information that you need to communicate is that You are not their contact for FIL any more.

Whether your H steps up or not is entirely his choice and independent of you telling them not to contact you any more.

I'm starting to really feel detached from this.

Good, because your FIL is no longer your problem.

knowing how pathetic I sound. I am just like... Who the hell did I turn into?

Babe please. You don't sound pathetic. You sound VERY strong.

I'm just going to look after myself until my husband either gets the reality of my situation... Or he doesn't.

YESSSS!!!

I can't believe the comments, I always like to respond to everyone that posts but that just isn't possible. I'm really thankful. I read them all, over and over. If I hadn't posted I wouldn't be decided and moving on. I would still be stuck thinking that was life. So thank you . Sincerely, I thank you.

We don't need individual replies. I'm so glad you're reading them over and over and that they are obviously helping you

This next bit is going to be hard though. But it's taking care of me for a change.

It will be. But you're strong enough to manage it

It's like he's brainwashed
Ok I can accept that he has been brainwashed into thinking that his father must be obeyed, even so he is the one who should be taking the hit he shouldn't be outsourcing his responsibilities on to you as if you were his slave, if I was in your shoes I wouldn't go anywhere near that revolting man unless I had a baseball bat to defend myself

@Onetime888, you can always name change after this thread so that your anonymity on MN is preserved (from your H)
You could print out parts of the thread, or not all of your own posts if you preferred etc, though now I very much doubt your "d"h would want to listen what strangers say if he's not listening to you.

Please hold your ground up to the point of separating from DH if needed, he will not change his mind/begin to see the truth without drastic changes and real possibility of losing you (speaking from experience).