Marriage advice needed - do I stay or do I go?

[Gutwrenching]

Hi all, I'm here desperately seeking advice, apologies in advance for the essay!

My wife and I have been married 11 years, together for 15. We have built a beautiful home together and have many happy memories. She has always been there for me and is a wonderful person, and I've never never really considered anything other than us growing old together, until now.

After some lengthy introspection, I have admitted to myself that our marriage isn't working. We don't have children (we are 39 and 40), but I really do want them, and I have done for a long time. When people ask why we don't have children I have told them that its not the right time, or that we've been trying but its just not happened, but the reality is that we just don't have enough sex and our communication so has been so poor that we just haven't ever properly discussed it.

The lack of sex is mostly my fault, and I have been aware of the problem for a couple of years. I tried to fix this myself, but for whatever reason I haven't been able to (I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. I find myself staying up late to avoid sex, only making the effort to have sex at the right time of the month, and when we do have sex I feel uncomfortable initiating it. In all honesty, I find myself preferring to masturbate and fantasize about other women. Whilst I haven't cheated on my wife, I have looked around a bit over the last couple of years and started to think about what life could be like). I also find that I don't make any effort to be affectionate to her (buying flowers, sending nice texts) and I think that these things should come naturally, if I'm in the right relationship. I finally opened up to her about all of this, and she said she was aware of the problem but she thought I was happy enough with our marriage, so she didn't say anything. We've since tried to make an effort together, but for me nothing is changing, despite the fact I can see she is making a real effort.

I'm starting to think that if I am going to be able to have the life I crave, the right thing to do is move on. I also feel as though me moving on is the right thing to do for her - because she deserves someone who truly adores her for who she is, and who makes her happy (whilst she says she is happy in the marriage, I know this isn't truly the case - even though she won't admit it. She feels as though I prefer spending time with my friends and not with her and often asks why I ever got married, she has complained that her life is rubbish when she's been upset, she misses the affectionate small touches, she gets anxious and jealous when I go away with work etc).

But there's a few things holding me back. Selfishly, I worry whether I'll ever find anyone who loves me unreservedly like she does, and whether I'll ever again find the companionship that we enjoy. I'm also put off by the thought of leaving my home, which I love and which we renovated together and I always considered would be my 'forever home'. But most importantly, I'm worried about her. When I left and told her I wanted a break she was absolutely devastated and I can't bear to see the pain I'm causing. She mentioned that if I'd have said this a few years ago she'd have still had time to meet someone else and have a family with them, but at 40 she is now at a point where it is too late for her to do that. I worry that if I stay with her it may be just delaying the inevitable and we'll end up resenting each other, but I feel though as if I leave I'm completely ruining her whole life. I don't know what to do

@hopingtobedally I'm sorry to hear about your frustrations. Are you not tempted to take matters into your own hands and leave

@Gutwrenching I would definitely recommend therapy. It may help you understand your situation more and unpick your emotions. Don;t go in thinking it will give you the answer - you're not going to be told what to do but it may help you come to that decision.

I think that you absolutely should see a counsellor. How long in total did you actually try to conceive? I have the impression it was never a central priority ( but I may be wrong). You were working away part of the week until a few years ago so that made it a background thing and then when you started being at home more it was too little, too late? So how long did you say "We are trying for a baby now? "

@GrantI I have very often but because he's not honest and plays along that he does fancy me he then tries to make me feel guilty at the thought of finding someone else

Hi GW , it’s never easy when we come to realisations like this and I think you’re doing something really powerful in looking inwardly . I’m sorry if some of my previous posts have seemed harsh, looking from the perspective of the other side perhaps . Having said that , I have also been where you are now, many many times , realising my own part in creating situations and I know that’s not easy either. I totally get that freely of discontent and questioning and I don’t think that is a bad thing . In fact it’s what drives us to either recommit to our relationships or leave them. As they say , and I do believe it - We are all just doing the best we can with what we know at the time.
Ultimately , like you say counselling will probably be a good call to help you sort through what is best

• I get that feeling - sorry having a hard day health wise today

You have stated:
*Although your Wife loves you unreservedly, you are not in love with her.
*You are not attracted to her. You are disappointed that she is not as fit as you’d prefer.
*You avoid sex unless she is ovulating.
*You make no effort to be affectionate to her, and she misses that.
*Your connection weakened when you began to work away and she now feels unsettled when you work away.
*She believes that you’d rather spend time with your friends than be with her.
*You have looked elsewhere at “what is out there.”
*You have messaged other women on a dating site.
*After you spoke to her, she made changes, but nevertheless your feelings/attitude remain the same.

Registering and messaging other women on a dating site is cheating. (Did you tell these women that you were married?) You mentioned that you also looked around on nights out and at work, “although not anyone I work with anymore.” That phrase made me wonder if you’ve had a flirtation or developed an emotional connection with a colleague.

You have checked out of this marriage emotionally and physically. If I were your Wife, I would feel diminished beyond recognition. She deserves love, intimacy, affection and fidelity rather than being used for her devotion and companionship. You should move on.

I’d probably counterpoint most of those

• I don’t know that I don’t love her. I don’t think I’ve said that. If I was certain about that I wouldn’t hesitate. I certainly miss her, now that we’re living apart. She is interesting, funny, caring and attractive. There’s a lot I feel fortunate about.
• I guess very few people at 40 look exactly what they looked like at 25! She’s not unattractive. I’ve been too harsh on her. I guess the problem is more that I’ve become disillusioned with sex for various reasons and projected that onto her, when in all likelihood the reasons are probably more with me. She’d be the first to admit that she hasn’t really helped. She never initiates sex.
• As above, I’m starting to realise that the disillusionment with intimacy is my problem, and probably not really about her.

I did have a colleague who was attractive, funny and intelligent and I did find myself attracted to her, but there was no flirtation or emotional connection. To be honest in this day and age, even if I was single I don’t think I’d have looked to take that anywhere. It’s a minefield (which given how many couples I know met at work I think is a real shame, but never mind). But I don’t buy that when you get married you just magically don’t find other people attractive anymore.

By the way I don't mean to sound argumentative, I guess I'm just haring what is going through my own mind. I really appreciate everyone's input. Its given me plenty to think about and helped me start to see things a bit more clearly.

Gutwrenching, when I said that you are not in love with your wife, I was referencing your statement from 20/07/20 at 15:09.

“But I do still love her (even if I’m not ‘in love’ with her - apologies for the cliche), and care about her an awful lot, I really want nothing more than for her to be happy and have a great life.“

@Gutwrenching

If she never initiates how do you know she wants sex with you?

This is harsh but you are driving yourself craxy. You need to sort your life out. You are living like asexual 60 year olds while avoiding intimacy like immature 15 year olds.

Just go to counselling, you are going round in circles.

You said it yourself - you are not in love with her.

Leave.

It will be difficult for you both to start, but she will thank you in the long run.

Don't waste anymore time settling.
I would rather be in my own then in a loveless and sexless marriage.

Amazing how committed this man is to "we are equally at fault." Really makes you think.

You make no effort to be affectionate to her, and she misses that.

This is how people give up on a marriage. Grass is greener, you definitely put across that you’ve ‘still got it’ OP but your wife hasn’t.

You want out? Just be honest. You’ve given up on your wife. It’s on you really. Don’t cling onto wanting to spread the blame. Just leave and know you’ve let down your commitment for the flimsiest of reasons for a mid life wanting to date a younger woman. It’s cliched. And sorry but so are you. Heard so many of your statements in men who have all done the same. They’ve got a younger woman, but my goodness there is a trade off and they’ve lived the rest of their lives with someone who expects them to do everything, look after them, and other than that have not much in common and have become boring as hell.

@IceCreamSummer20

You make no effort to be affectionate to her, and she misses that.

This is how people give up on a marriage. Grass is greener, you definitely put across that you’ve ‘still got it’ OP but your wife hasn’t.

You want out? Just be honest. You’ve given up on your wife. It’s on you really. Don’t cling onto wanting to spread the blame. Just leave and know you’ve let down your commitment for the flimsiest of reasons for a mid life wanting to date a younger woman. It’s cliched. And sorry but so are you. Heard so many of your statements in men who have all done the same. They’ve got a younger woman, but my goodness there is a trade off and they’ve lived the rest of their lives with someone who expects them to do everything, look after them, and other than that have not much in common and have become boring as hell.

Yes I think this is what is defiantly coming through to a lot of us , especially those of us who have seen this happen over and over and perhaps even experienced it . After sticking with this thread and having a fair bit to say along similar lines I was hoping that GW was starting to see this truth But I think realistically when someone gets to this point where the desire for someone younger hotter or whatever is such a big deal and the ‘ old grey mare ain’t what she used to be ‘ that person is going to need to learn it for themselves

@IceCreamSummer20

You make no effort to be affectionate to her, and she misses that.

This is how people give up on a marriage. Grass is greener, you definitely put across that you’ve ‘still got it’ OP but your wife hasn’t.

You want out? Just be honest. You’ve given up on your wife. It’s on you really. Don’t cling onto wanting to spread the blame. Just leave and know you’ve let down your commitment for the flimsiest of reasons for a mid life wanting to date a younger woman. It’s cliched. And sorry but so are you. Heard so many of your statements in men who have all done the same. They’ve got a younger woman, but my goodness there is a trade off and they’ve lived the rest of their lives with someone who expects them to do everything, look after them, and other than that have not much in common and have become boring as hell.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but I can’t agree with any of it. I haven’t given up on my marriage, this thread isn’t ‘how do I leave my wife’. I’ve acknowledged the problems in my marriage, and began to wonder whether they are fixable. I don’t think a single person has said ‘marriages go through ups and downs. Yours has been in a down but now that you’ve acknowledged it, you will get through it with the right help’ (or words to that effect). I really hoped someone would. I don’t want to break her heart, but at the same time I don’t want to waste any more of her time. I care very much for my wife, and enjoy her companionship. She is my best friend and the most important person in the world to me. But the reality is, we rarely have sex any more, and when we do it is awkward and mechanical. I know the lack of sex is largely my fault (I don’t have conscious control over my libido, and I don’t want to feel this way), and I also I know if that doesn’t improve the marriage will be over eventually - because as @Marshmallowmom has pointed out several times, she is unlikely to be happy herself. I’ve booked couples therapy and I’ve spoken my GP about my libido. I’m not interested in a younger woman, I’m a just a 40 year old man who wants a normal life, with children of my own and a healthy sex life. The thought of leaving my wife and never finding anyone to have that wife equally terrifies me.

OP - You have received some very harsh comments on this thread.
I'm glad to hear you have booked couples therapy and spoken to your GP.
Remember though that it will take both you and your wife to make this work. You are putting almost all the blame on yourself and I dont think that's fair.
Good luck.

You do know that when people are terrified about leaving their wife, it's because they don't want to wake up and face the day without that wife. You're terrified that you will remain single? Jesus.

Nobody has said your marriage is going through a bad patch and you will get through it , because quite frankly it is affectionless , sexless, and you can't even communicate about having children, to the point you haven't had any.

She's your best friend? No she's not. You've sat and critisised the way she looks on a forum, and talked about how you don't fancy her. If you're her best friend , then she deserves better.

It is a bad marriage.

Good luck. I'm out.

@Gutwrenching - how did things progress ?