Marriage advice needed - do I stay or do I go?

[Gutwrenching]

Hi all, I'm here desperately seeking advice, apologies in advance for the essay!

My wife and I have been married 11 years, together for 15. We have built a beautiful home together and have many happy memories. She has always been there for me and is a wonderful person, and I've never never really considered anything other than us growing old together, until now.

After some lengthy introspection, I have admitted to myself that our marriage isn't working. We don't have children (we are 39 and 40), but I really do want them, and I have done for a long time. When people ask why we don't have children I have told them that its not the right time, or that we've been trying but its just not happened, but the reality is that we just don't have enough sex and our communication so has been so poor that we just haven't ever properly discussed it.

The lack of sex is mostly my fault, and I have been aware of the problem for a couple of years. I tried to fix this myself, but for whatever reason I haven't been able to (I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. I find myself staying up late to avoid sex, only making the effort to have sex at the right time of the month, and when we do have sex I feel uncomfortable initiating it. In all honesty, I find myself preferring to masturbate and fantasize about other women. Whilst I haven't cheated on my wife, I have looked around a bit over the last couple of years and started to think about what life could be like). I also find that I don't make any effort to be affectionate to her (buying flowers, sending nice texts) and I think that these things should come naturally, if I'm in the right relationship. I finally opened up to her about all of this, and she said she was aware of the problem but she thought I was happy enough with our marriage, so she didn't say anything. We've since tried to make an effort together, but for me nothing is changing, despite the fact I can see she is making a real effort.

I'm starting to think that if I am going to be able to have the life I crave, the right thing to do is move on. I also feel as though me moving on is the right thing to do for her - because she deserves someone who truly adores her for who she is, and who makes her happy (whilst she says she is happy in the marriage, I know this isn't truly the case - even though she won't admit it. She feels as though I prefer spending time with my friends and not with her and often asks why I ever got married, she has complained that her life is rubbish when she's been upset, she misses the affectionate small touches, she gets anxious and jealous when I go away with work etc).

But there's a few things holding me back. Selfishly, I worry whether I'll ever find anyone who loves me unreservedly like she does, and whether I'll ever again find the companionship that we enjoy. I'm also put off by the thought of leaving my home, which I love and which we renovated together and I always considered would be my 'forever home'. But most importantly, I'm worried about her. When I left and told her I wanted a break she was absolutely devastated and I can't bear to see the pain I'm causing. She mentioned that if I'd have said this a few years ago she'd have still had time to meet someone else and have a family with them, but at 40 she is now at a point where it is too late for her to do that. I worry that if I stay with her it may be just delaying the inevitable and we'll end up resenting each other, but I feel though as if I leave I'm completely ruining her whole life. I don't know what to do

The op has raised objections to many bits of advise and put up roadblocks . At the end of the day he needs to give her an ultimatum for counselling with a timeline and stick with it
He needs to start putting his sexual focus back on her and if those two things don’t happen he need to leave imo . This should have a tight timeline of say counselling within a month , no porn or fantasising about other women. , bed time together etc

@Gutwrenching Stop getting defensive again. We all have fantasies. Porn is the damaging problem here. You have happiness in your grasp here. Just recognise the damage you've caused. If you are not prepared too do that prepare to walk away.

Gut wrenching you are are fqvtaiainv about being with other women , yoh would ratherastwrbqte than have sexual with your wife
No ! Any woman would be a fool to have a child with you atm . I’m sorry but women including your wife do deserve more we are not walking woman whilst men fantasies about miss July

This sounds like good advise

Exactly what welliea says
You bought porn into the marriage you want self satisfaction and fantasies of other women More than you want your own wife
YOU a created this . It’s not your wife’s fault . Own it and realise how wrong it is to expect her to bear you a child

He said he didn't watch porn

Jesus this sounds like a whole heap of poor/non-existent communication, making assumptions about what your spouse is feeling (both ways) and a lot of loneliness and disappointment on both sides.

You need a brutally honest and vulnerable conversation so you can both decide what you want from this situation. Give one another the space and opportunity to really talk. Say the hard things that need saying. Maybe you need space to assess it all. Miss one another. Get counselling.

Whatever the outcome you will then know you gave it your all and fought for it.

Grantl no he did t say that at all . He admits to using porn and preferring to masterbate

@prettygreenteacup

Jesus this sounds like a whole heap of poor/non-existent communication, making assumptions about what your spouse is feeling (both ways) and a lot of loneliness and disappointment on both sides.

You need a brutally honest and vulnerable conversation so you can both decide what you want from this situation. Give one another the space and opportunity to really talk. Say the hard things that need saying. Maybe you need space to assess it all. Miss one another. Get counselling.

Whatever the outcome you will then know you gave it your all and fought for it.

You’re right, that’s good advise. Thank you

Gut wrenching , what does this line in your original post mean

‘Whilst I haven't cheated on my wife, I have looked around a bit over the last couple of years’

What does looking around mean?

Looking around online ? On hookers websites, on the streets ? At work ? What exactly does ‘looking around mean because we get plenty of women here who’s men have been ‘ looking around ‘ and prefer to mastervate than have sexual with their wives ... and one of the first things they often say is ‘ I’ve never so much as kissed another woman

@Marshmallowmom

Grantl no he did t say that at all . He admits to using porn and preferring to masterbate

I‘ve never watched much porn, and haven’t done at all in a long time. You decided that yourself. And I don’t masturbate more than a typical healthy man of my age (we all do it, whether you’re aware of it or not). I have started to fantasise about other women, think what life could be like with someone else etc. But that’s not where the sex/attraction problems started. It was the other way round. It was months or years after the deterioration of our sex life that those things started. I honestly think it’s due to the fact I started seeing sex as a means to an end to make a baby, rather than something for pleasure. It started to feel like a chore. Also, this is shallow I know, but whilst my wife is still an attractive woman, she doesn’t take care of herself or take pride in her appearance the way she used to. She definitely takes me for granted in that respect. I work hard in the gym, I eat well to stay fit and healthy and want to be attractive for my partner. It disappoints me she doesn’t do the same.

@Marshmallowmom

Looking around online ? On hookers websites, on the streets ? At work ? What exactly does ‘looking around mean because we get plenty of women here who’s men have been ‘ looking around ‘ and prefer to mastervate than have sexual with their wives ... and one of the first things they often say is ‘ I’ve never so much as kissed another woman

Ok good question. No not a hookers websites! But yeah on I’ve certainly noticed women on nights out, and at work (although not anyone I work with anymore) but I never acted on it. Last year I did look online to see who else was out there. I did start a few conversations with some women on a dating website, but only really to see what it was like and who was on there. I quickly shut it down out of guilt. I’d have never met anyone, but was starting to just wonder what else was out there, if that makes sense? This was what forced me to initially open up to my wife about my feelings.

Thank you Gutwrenching for standing up for yourself.

However I suspect you may get roasted regarding the last bit.... I'm stepping away. I wish you good luck

So you’ve been online talking to other women whilst married and you are here complaining your wife won’t have your babies WOW what a catch you are

And now your questioning her physical attractiveness . Your original post stated that you have lost attraction due to the bay issue and now suddenly you work out and it’s a shame she doesn’t and your talking to other women online
You sir are very duplicitous

Your true colours finally come through . There were hints in your previous posts but I think your last two posts nailed it !

Let me guess ?
Yoh also told her that you have been eyeing g off women where you were working and messaging women online ?
What on earth makes you think you are a man that ANY woman should RISK having a baby with?

On Mn we obviously all have our own perspectives gained from our personal backgrounds and experiences which could be good, bad or indifferent. I feel that some poster’s on this thread would be giving very different ‘advice’ and opinions if the OP was a woman. There have been some very harsh comments on here from people who don’t seem to be reading the same thread as me.
The OP has been open and honest from what I have read and is desperately trying not to cause upset to his wife. But marriage is a joint endeavour and both sides have to agree on the fundamental things like having children to make it work. Neither person should be controlling the other either.

OP, have another sit down with your wife and say that you want to go to counselling together. I would suggest you give yourselves a target of 6 months to make a decision on whether you stay together or separate because time is of the essence for both of you.
If you do separate there is every chance your wife would go on to meet the right person for her and you too. I agree with others who have said that if she really wanted children she would have been actively participating to try and make this happen.

Question for you OP -
How do you feel about still being in this marriage in 5 years time if nothing has changed?

Your happiness is just as important as your wife’s by the way. You should both be happy, life is too short.

No sunshine , I disagree . A wife who was messaging other men and would rather masterbate than have sex with her husband and then came her to complain he would t have a baby with her would receive the exact same advice

I agree with Sunshine and think the advice is spot on.
You have been brave and confronted the issue, you now just need to keep moving forward, for both of your sakes. Don't let fear or guilt stop you doing the right thing.

FWIW I think most women who are desperate for a child will pretty much move heaven and earth to fill that need, so to say she may have chosen not to have a child with you because you messaged other women just doesn't add up for me.

I wouldn't have given different advice to a woman. It's insulting and short sighted to suggest this. I've shared my own pain on here in the hope of offering some insight on his wife's position. Take from that what you will. The OPs position is far from unusual and if they choose to separate then pain cannot be avoided. If people don't want a woman's input then what's the point in posting? This isn't aimed at the OP by the way. Just others discrediting others opinions as projecting and therefore invalid. It's incredibly insulting. We can only post from our own vision and perspective.

‘So to say she may have chosen not to have a child with you because you messaged other women just doesn't add up for me.

No one is saying that but it’s definitely very very possible she doesn’t want to have a child with a man who’s not physically attracted to her , would rather masterbate is eyeing off other women ( yes wives notice ) AND is messaging other women

It doesn’t add up to me that anyone would think that’s not very solid reAsons not to want a child with someone and it certainly doesn’t add up to me that he doesn’t get that

@Sunshineonrainydays

On Mn we obviously all have our own perspectives gained from our personal backgrounds and experiences which could be good, bad or indifferent. I feel that some poster’s on this thread would be giving very different ‘advice’ and opinions if the OP was a woman. There have been some very harsh comments on here from people who don’t seem to be reading the same thread as me. The OP has been open and honest from what I have read and is desperately trying not to cause upset to his wife. But marriage is a joint endeavour and both sides have to agree on the fundamental things like having children to make it work. Neither person should be controlling the other either.

OP, have another sit down with your wife and say that you want to go to counselling together. I would suggest you give yourselves a target of 6 months to make a decision on whether you stay together or separate because time is of the essence for both of you.
If you do separate there is every chance your wife would go on to meet the right person for her and you too. I agree with others who have said that if she really wanted children she would have been actively participating to try and make this happen.

Question for you OP -
How do you feel about still being in this marriage in 5 years time if nothing has changed?

Your happiness is just as important as your wife’s by the way. You should both be happy, life is too short.

This sounds like sensible advice, thank you. I think I could continue to be content in the marriage in 5 years, I do like the girl! But not truly satisfied. I do feel as though if we went our separate ways now we could do so amicably and with good will, despite the heartache. But if we stay together I do fear we could end up falling out in the future and leaving on not so good terms