Marriage advice needed - do I stay or do I go?

[Gutwrenching]

Hi all, I'm here desperately seeking advice, apologies in advance for the essay!

My wife and I have been married 11 years, together for 15. We have built a beautiful home together and have many happy memories. She has always been there for me and is a wonderful person, and I've never never really considered anything other than us growing old together, until now.

After some lengthy introspection, I have admitted to myself that our marriage isn't working. We don't have children (we are 39 and 40), but I really do want them, and I have done for a long time. When people ask why we don't have children I have told them that its not the right time, or that we've been trying but its just not happened, but the reality is that we just don't have enough sex and our communication so has been so poor that we just haven't ever properly discussed it.

The lack of sex is mostly my fault, and I have been aware of the problem for a couple of years. I tried to fix this myself, but for whatever reason I haven't been able to (I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. I find myself staying up late to avoid sex, only making the effort to have sex at the right time of the month, and when we do have sex I feel uncomfortable initiating it. In all honesty, I find myself preferring to masturbate and fantasize about other women. Whilst I haven't cheated on my wife, I have looked around a bit over the last couple of years and started to think about what life could be like). I also find that I don't make any effort to be affectionate to her (buying flowers, sending nice texts) and I think that these things should come naturally, if I'm in the right relationship. I finally opened up to her about all of this, and she said she was aware of the problem but she thought I was happy enough with our marriage, so she didn't say anything. We've since tried to make an effort together, but for me nothing is changing, despite the fact I can see she is making a real effort.

I'm starting to think that if I am going to be able to have the life I crave, the right thing to do is move on. I also feel as though me moving on is the right thing to do for her - because she deserves someone who truly adores her for who she is, and who makes her happy (whilst she says she is happy in the marriage, I know this isn't truly the case - even though she won't admit it. She feels as though I prefer spending time with my friends and not with her and often asks why I ever got married, she has complained that her life is rubbish when she's been upset, she misses the affectionate small touches, she gets anxious and jealous when I go away with work etc).

But there's a few things holding me back. Selfishly, I worry whether I'll ever find anyone who loves me unreservedly like she does, and whether I'll ever again find the companionship that we enjoy. I'm also put off by the thought of leaving my home, which I love and which we renovated together and I always considered would be my 'forever home'. But most importantly, I'm worried about her. When I left and told her I wanted a break she was absolutely devastated and I can't bear to see the pain I'm causing. She mentioned that if I'd have said this a few years ago she'd have still had time to meet someone else and have a family with them, but at 40 she is now at a point where it is too late for her to do that. I worry that if I stay with her it may be just delaying the inevitable and we'll end up resenting each other, but I feel though as if I leave I'm completely ruining her whole life. I don't know what to do

I think you both need counselling which might help you communicate, it doesn't have to be with the sole objective of saving your marriage, it can help,you separate amicably as best that can be done

I think this is possibly the most selfish OP I’ve ever read on here. Your poor wife.

Do the right thing and leave. Give her a chance with a man that truly deserves her.

Hi OP,

I think you sound like a good person, you articulate yourself well and you have been very open.
You love your wife but you are not in love with her, I know that feeling very well with my DH. I too am at a crossroads in my life and I'm finding it very difficult to know what to do next.
I would suggest you both go to counselling so that you have someone neutral to talk things through with. If it becomes clear that you both want different things I think you should both move on. Life is too short to be unhappy.
If you stay in this marriage the chances are resentment will build up on both sides. It also sounds to me like your wife can be quite controlling.
Plus you seem to be the one who desperately wants children and I think you should not give up on that chance of meeting someone you can fall in love with and hopefully starting a family. Your wife would also be free to find the right person for her too.
Good luck to you and your wife.

@PicklePig31 - I don't agree with your post at all. If this is the most selfish OP you've ever read on here I think you have a very sheltered MN reading history.

@PicklePig31

I think this is possibly the most selfish OP I’ve ever read on here. Your poor wife.

Do the right thing and leave. Give her a chance with a man that truly deserves her.

Eh?? How have you reached this conclusion?! It's the OP who is with someone who has basically
Strung him along for years

[quote Sunshineonrainydays]@PicklePig31 - I don't agree with your post at all. If this is the most selfish OP you've ever read on here I think you have a very sheltered MN reading history.[/quote]

I suspect PicklePig is one of those posters that for whom men are the devil incarnate and can do nothing right

ivtdreaming , nobody said he wasn’t the one who wanted children . I asked him to examine his true motives and yes although he tried talking to her a few times he also admits shutting down communication and sex wise
As for this
‘She’s coasting through her late 30s early 40s ...’
I’m guessing you’re not. Woman who is or ever has been in her late 30s early 40s as I certainly would t call that coasting and that statement sounds at worst mysogynistic and at best like a bitter man

@Marshmallowmom

Re read your post about it "suddenly becoming convenient" ref children and then tell me how I've misquoted you?

And I'm definitely not a man by the way! But how is she NOT coasting??? She's certainly not doing anything about her life - yeah I want kids but don't want to actually do anything Proactive about it????

OP regardless of others opinions or of being asked to think about your motives , at the end of the day if you want children and she doesn’t leave
If you want other women- leave and
If your satisfied yourself sexually to the point there’s no attraction to her - leave
Either way it’s all the same at the end of the day
If you can’t ask her do you want children get the answer yes and the. Get intense counselling to work on the communication and sexual issues there doesn’t seem any point staying so that both of you are unhappy

I think you've ever given your marriage a chance. The lack of sex for a woman is so emotionally damaging to a woman's self esteem you end up in a vicious circle. I too think you are looking to relieve your guilt to be honest. It's a very human thing to do and I'm trying to be honest with you. My marriage recently ended for similar reasons which was a lack of communication and a lack of sex. There was a use of pornography on his part which was massively damaging to my self esteem and eventually an affair. Don't throw it all away until you've been truly honest with yourself about what's going on here. Because you'll take this into any future relationship. Most of the posts here addressed to you that are harsh have been followed by a "yeah but.." response from you. Many of us have been married to men like you who need to face up to what's really going on. Walk a mile in your wife's shoes before you decide what's wrong with your marriage. And my other half regrets everything but still doesn't understand why he did it. It's too late now.

Ivtdreqming Firstly I didn’t say you were a man I said you sound like a bitter man . You do . An women can be mysogynistic too btw
The woman is not an idiot she knows she has a biological timeline
As for it being convenient , he could have done a lot more than raise it a few times then go master are . He could have refused to let the matter go considering it’s so inportant to him and communicated that . Instead he’s left it till now when as you yourself say men tend to have the upper hand on the old scene and she will be in the position of possibly staying alone for the rest of her days . All because of the value men place of fertility and youth . Whilst he’ll be such a catch , a man who although he can string a sentence won’t speak up I. A relationship about important issues and will turn sexually to himself rather than his partner ! By not pushing the subject he let her believe it wasn’t so important and that the relationship was not in danger of failing over this
Now he walks out finds himself some sweet little fertile piece of ass and leave the ‘old lady because he could t be bothered to let her know he’d ditch her when she was too old to reproduce
Sorry but that’s the reality , women have been treated like breeding cattle for Millenia and she likely believed he didn’t want kids and wouldn’t leave her when she was too old for it because HE DIDNT TELL HER IT WAS A DEALBREAKER
The fact he will now say he didn’t know it was a dealbreaker until she was this age is the convenient part !!!

And for the record... I e been where your wife is now . Not the no children but but the refusal to let me know how important some things were the lack of communication the porn .
He too begs to comes back and there’s no way in hell . The grass is always greener.

@Marshmallowmom

Thanks gutwtenching for your replies to those questions . Just a couple more things to consider . I understand you think that some things were a little unfair and fair enough if you always wanted children , however you say you always wanted children and you also say that failure due to a lack of sexual lack of trying is what’s killing you . Both these things are things that relate to communication and it appears that this is the main issue . It still appears that you have chosen to direct your energy outward Instead of towards your partner both sexually and communication wise in terms of wanting a child/ren . It would seem you can hardly blame the fact you have no children on your partner , considering it’s been largely a choice to have little sex as in your words you’d rather masterbate. Do you see what I’m saying here , your argument is circular . I am unhappy and have no children because we don’t communicate and do t have much sex but - I don’t want to have much sex and have given up trying to communicate - therefore we have no children and I am unhappy

No relationships , with children or without will be happy when one or both partners turns outwardly whether that is in terms of communication or sexuality .
Of course communication is a two ways street but you definitely could have said to her that you require her to attend counselling to continue the marriage
I’m not trying to be hard on yoy here , only to say that you were by your own admission 50 percent responsible for the failure to communicate about children and it seems much more culpable i. The failure to have sex. You can’t create a situation that destroys any closeness and ability to create the life together that you want the. Be shocked when that manifests
How will this be different I. Your next relationship when you have tendencies to turn outwards rather than towards your partner. Our partners are mirrors that reflect back to us what we are.

I get all this, and yeah I do accept responsibility. But she is certainly equally responsible. I get what I’m finding difficult is the fact the that whilst we’re both equally responsible, the impact on her is greater. My argument against leaving, and trying to make the marriage work, is that in part I feel as though we both messed up so should deal with the consequences together. We have talked about counselling, and I’m up for it. But I guess my worry now is that if things don’t work, it’s making things worse for her

Ivtdreaming
Btw you say the wife is coasting because she says she wants kids but isn’t doing anything proactive ? What exactly should she do with a husband who ‘prefers to masterbate ‘ than have sexual with her
Let me ask you , as a woman would you get pregnant to man you knew wanted to sleep with other women and was masterbating wishing he could have sexually with other women ? Because that’s effectively what he told us
You may or may not have that level of awareness but believe me many many woman can totally sense when the men they are with are wishing they were elsewhere with someone else

"Let me ask you , as a woman would you get pregnant to man you knew wanted to sleep with other women and was masterbating wishing he could have sexually with other women ? Because that’s effectively what he told us
You may or may not have that level of awareness but believe me many many woman can totally sense when the men they are with are wishing they were elsewhere with someone else"

This

Yes true I agree you are equally responsible and the consequneces are greater for her for the communication Or lack of
I don’t believe you are equally responsible for you not wanting sex and using your sexually energy on fantasising about other women and masterbating

There doesn’t seem much left here to save

To be honest OP she would be an idiot to get pregnant yo a man who is so interested in other women . I believe she deep down knows and probably has known for a long time you have lacked a sexual attraction and commitment to her

@Marshmallowmom

Ivtdreqming Firstly I didn’t say you were a man I said you sound like a bitter man . You do . An women can be mysogynistic too btw The woman is not an idiot she knows she has a biological timeline As for it being convenient , he could have done a lot more than raise it a few times then go master are . He could have refused to let the matter go considering it’s so inportant to him and communicated that . Instead he’s left it till now when as you yourself say men tend to have the upper hand on the old scene and she will be in the position of possibly staying alone for the rest of her days . All because of the value men place of fertility and youth . Whilst he’ll be such a catch , a man who although he can string a sentence won’t speak up I. A relationship about important issues and will turn sexually to himself rather than his partner ! By not pushing the subject he let her believe it wasn’t so important and that the relationship was not in danger of failing over this Now he walks out finds himself some sweet little fertile piece of ass and leave the ‘old lady because he could t be bothered to let her know he’d ditch her when she was too old to reproduce Sorry but that’s the reality , women have been treated like breeding cattle for Millenia and she likely believed he didn’t want kids and wouldn’t leave her when she was too old for it because HE DIDNT TELL HER IT WAS A DEALBREAKER The fact he will now say he didn’t know it was a dealbreaker until she was this age is the convenient part !!!

This is just restating my own conflict in your words to be honest. I do feel exactly like this myself. So the conflict is, given that we’re both equally responsible for getting ourselves in this mess do I accept my role in it and stay in the marriage, accepting that it might mean I’ll never have children but standing by the woman I married and avoiding putting her through this heartache. That seems, on the surface, to be the more compassionate thing to do. But actually, whilst staying might be less heartache in the immediate term, is it actually more compassionate to leave and let her find someone he deserves. From your initial post it sounds like you suggested that I should leave her, but your more recent posts suggest that I’m a terrible person for doing so. So does that mean I should stay? The whole point of this thread, is that I truly don’t know which way to turn, not that I have made my my up.

Btw you say the wife is coasting because she says she wants kids but isn’t doing anything proactive ? What exactly should she do with a husband who ‘prefers to masterbate ‘ than have sexual with her

Well I guess if she really wanted kids she could have left me, or she could have been more open to sex on times I did initiate it, or she could have tried to initiate sex herself, or if she felt the lack of intimacy was driving us apart and wanted to save the marriage she could have told me she thought we were having problems and asked me to do something about it. All things I’m doing now, that yes I wish I’d done 5 years ago, but that’s she’s never done.

Gut wrenching , like I said it doesn’t matter what anyone’s opinion is at the end of the day but if you want the advice I would give my partner if he felt like this and I was your wife ....
I would want you to be telling me not a load of random people on the internet AND this is the important part . I’d want you to be absolutely unequivocally honest in how you feel the whole lot . The absolute dealbreaker that children are for Yoh , the way in which you have turned away emotionally and sexually and the wanting to be with other women !
The lot
She has a right to decided whether this is worth saving too .
This is not about you being some knight sacrificing for some FALSe sense of happiness she may not be feeling herself
As they say
The truth will set you free but first it will hurt like a bitch....

And also that you feel totally that she has shut down emotionally too of course !

If you really want kids then get out of there. A younger woman would have a much higher possibility especially as she is more attractive. Stop flogging a dead horse.

@Alaine
That’s hilarious I didn’t know being more attractive made you more attractive. Hell I must be stunning with six

I mean being kore attractive makes you more fertile .... obviously

Or is that being ore fertile makes you more attractive
Or being more young makes you more attractive

Damn Alaine can you explain that I’m so confused as how a woman’s fertility has anything to do with her attractiveness

I mean I’ve seen men who will sleep with woman who don’t look at all trqdionally attractive , young and believe it or not are not even fertile