Marriage advice needed - do I stay or do I go?

[Gutwrenching]

Hi all, I'm here desperately seeking advice, apologies in advance for the essay!

My wife and I have been married 11 years, together for 15. We have built a beautiful home together and have many happy memories. She has always been there for me and is a wonderful person, and I've never never really considered anything other than us growing old together, until now.

After some lengthy introspection, I have admitted to myself that our marriage isn't working. We don't have children (we are 39 and 40), but I really do want them, and I have done for a long time. When people ask why we don't have children I have told them that its not the right time, or that we've been trying but its just not happened, but the reality is that we just don't have enough sex and our communication so has been so poor that we just haven't ever properly discussed it.

The lack of sex is mostly my fault, and I have been aware of the problem for a couple of years. I tried to fix this myself, but for whatever reason I haven't been able to (I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. I find myself staying up late to avoid sex, only making the effort to have sex at the right time of the month, and when we do have sex I feel uncomfortable initiating it. In all honesty, I find myself preferring to masturbate and fantasize about other women. Whilst I haven't cheated on my wife, I have looked around a bit over the last couple of years and started to think about what life could be like). I also find that I don't make any effort to be affectionate to her (buying flowers, sending nice texts) and I think that these things should come naturally, if I'm in the right relationship. I finally opened up to her about all of this, and she said she was aware of the problem but she thought I was happy enough with our marriage, so she didn't say anything. We've since tried to make an effort together, but for me nothing is changing, despite the fact I can see she is making a real effort.

I'm starting to think that if I am going to be able to have the life I crave, the right thing to do is move on. I also feel as though me moving on is the right thing to do for her - because she deserves someone who truly adores her for who she is, and who makes her happy (whilst she says she is happy in the marriage, I know this isn't truly the case - even though she won't admit it. She feels as though I prefer spending time with my friends and not with her and often asks why I ever got married, she has complained that her life is rubbish when she's been upset, she misses the affectionate small touches, she gets anxious and jealous when I go away with work etc).

But there's a few things holding me back. Selfishly, I worry whether I'll ever find anyone who loves me unreservedly like she does, and whether I'll ever again find the companionship that we enjoy. I'm also put off by the thought of leaving my home, which I love and which we renovated together and I always considered would be my 'forever home'. But most importantly, I'm worried about her. When I left and told her I wanted a break she was absolutely devastated and I can't bear to see the pain I'm causing. She mentioned that if I'd have said this a few years ago she'd have still had time to meet someone else and have a family with them, but at 40 she is now at a point where it is too late for her to do that. I worry that if I stay with her it may be just delaying the inevitable and we'll end up resenting each other, but I feel though as if I leave I'm completely ruining her whole life. I don't know what to do

@welliesarefuntowear

I wouldn't have given different advice to a woman. It's insulting and short sighted to suggest this. I've shared my own pain on here in the hope of offering some insight on his wife's position. Take from that what you will. The OPs position is far from unusual and if they choose to separate then pain cannot be avoided. If people don't want a woman's input then what's the point in posting? This isn't aimed at the OP by the way. Just others discrediting others opinions as projecting and therefore invalid. It's incredibly insulting. We can only post from our own vision and perspective.

I did come here looking for women’s input, and I appreciate your advice and thank you for your comments. If it sounds like I’m getting defensive, it’s because I’m playing out the same debate with myself, in my own head.

@Torres10

I agree with Sunshine and think the advice is spot on. You have been brave and confronted the issue, you now just need to keep moving forward, for both of your sakes. Don't let fear or guilt stop you doing the right thing.

FWIW I think most women who are desperate for a child will pretty much move heaven and earth to fill that need, so to say she may have chosen not to have a child with you because you messaged other women just doesn't add up for me.

Thanks for this, the idea she won’t have children with me because I messaged other women is nonsense. The timeline is completely wrong. I messaged other women because I’d started to feel dissatisfied. I’d started to feel dissatisfied because we hadn’t been having sex and I wasn’t feeling attracted to her. I had stopped having sex regularly with because I’d started to just see it as a chore rather than something we should have been doing for pleasure.

The problem is not that she won’t have children with me. She will (or she is now at least willing to try!) the problem is that we sleepwalked through the first decade of marriage not communicating properly with each other, and thinking the other was happy with the status quo whilst both of us had our own issues.

I messaged other women less than a year ago. We’d had 14 years together to have children before that, or at least have the conversation. It’s only since I messaged other women, and sat her down to discuss my feeling, that we’ve actually opened up to each other and had the conversations we should have had earlier.

I have only read your posts OP, so I have no idea what people have said. They probably have given you much better advice than I will.

I think your marriage is already dead in the water, I don't believe you have ever had decision making status within the relationship. I think there are elements of your wife that sound controlling and manipulative.

I honestly think you were right when you thought of her as not being that bothered about having children..... And less right about the new narrative of being "afraid of failure". She hasn't tried to maximise her chances of getting pregnant at ANY stage, she knows you would have been fully supportive of any route that you had to take because you have told her many times you want to be a father. If what you say is true and it is a fear of failure.... Then understand that "fear of failure" is another way or describing a "blow to the ego", therefore her ego is more important than your happiness.

She either has an extreme fear of failure that will limit your life ( it already has, she's not going to change now), or she is manipulating you to feel guilt about a situation you did nothing to create.

Her fear of failure didn't extend to losing you , did it? This is a woman who wants to keep her husband , who she loves dearly and also wants a child desperately. But never once did anything to make that happen?

You're the one trying to ensure you have sex at the right times, you're the one buying fertility sticks.

If what you say is true, she needs extensive, and I mean extensive, counselling about her extreme fear of failure.

If it's not true she's being extremely selfish.

Either way, I don't think this marriage has a happy future.

And I speak of someone who spent a long time limiting my life, partly because of a fear of failure. I have been afraid to do things, even leave the house at one stage. I had to force myself to go to counselling because it wasn't a life. Sometimes, I still have to give myself a good talking to, to get motivated to live, and get out of my comfort zone. But I wasn't dragging anyone else along with me either.

I speak as someone

@Lochie662

I have only read your posts OP, so I have no idea what people have said. They probably have given you much better advice than I will.

I think your marriage is already dead in the water, I don't believe you have ever had decision making status within the relationship. I think there are elements of your wife that sound controlling and manipulative.

I honestly think you were right when you thought of her as not being that bothered about having children..... And less right about the new narrative of being "afraid of failure". She hasn't tried to maximise her chances of getting pregnant at ANY stage, she knows you would have been fully supportive of any route that you had to take because you have told her many times you want to be a father. If what you say is true and it is a fear of failure.... Then understand that "fear of failure" is another way or describing a "blow to the ego", therefore her ego is more important than your happiness.

She either has an extreme fear of failure that will limit your life ( it already has, she's not going to change now), or she is manipulating you to feel guilt about a situation you did nothing to create.

Her fear of failure didn't extend to losing you , did it? This is a woman who wants to keep her husband , who she loves dearly and also wants a child desperately. But never once did anything to make that happen?

You're the one trying to ensure you have sex at the right times, you're the one buying fertility sticks.

If what you say is true, she needs extensive, and I mean extensive, counselling about her extreme fear of failure.

If it's not true she's being extremely selfish.

Either way, I don't think this marriage has a happy future.

Thanks for these comments, a lot of it resonates with me. Plenty of food for thought

And honestly. I know I maybe projected a little there, so I apologise.

But please consider .... If your wife has a fear of failure that is so deep that she can't properly make an effort to get pregnant ....

What does that mean if she ever does manage to be a mother? Will everything have to be perfect? Will she be able to go out of her comfort zone to do the things she has to do?

I'm not trying to be mean here, motherhood can be relentless, exhausting, often scary. It's amazing as well. But it really does take you into a place where you have to take the reins and ensure the right thing is always done, no matter how uncomfortable that makes you.

I have just read your last two posts very carefully. I think marshmallow has the measure of you and I'm starting to wish I hadn't posted. Just leave the poor woman so she can find someone who truly loves her.

"Also, this is shallow I know, but whilst my wife is still an attractive woman, she doesn’t take care of herself or take pride in her appearance the way she used to. She definitely takes me for granted in that respect. I work hard in the gym, I eat well to stay fit and healthy and want to be attractive for my partner. It disappoints me she doesn’t do the same."

"Last year I did look online to see who else was out there. I did start a few conversations with some women on a dating website, but only really to see what it was like and who was on there. I quickly shut it down out of guilt. I’d have never met anyone, but was starting to just wonder what else was out there, if that makes sense? This was what forced me to initially open up to my wife about my feelings."

This is why I regret posting. You think she's beneath you. You treat her with contempt. You disrespect her. She's your wife. You have no intention of making this work now so leave.

That's fair enough, you're entitled to your opinion. I respectfully disagree. I value my health and fitness just as much as I did the day we met, probably more so, because I'm more conscious of how my actions today will affect me in later life. She doesn't. To me, that doesn't mean I think she's beneath me. It means our interests, values and priorities, which used to be the same, have diverged over 15 years. Regarding the effect that has on appearance and attraction, well if I leave my wife and start dating, I'll be sure to make sure I'm fit and healthy and in good shape to give me the best chance of someone being attracted to me. If I find someone, I'll continue to do so and not take them for granted. Its fine if that's not important to you, it is to me.

You've been contacting other women! That's a soul destroying position for your wife to be in. And justifying it by saying she has let herself go. You are a massive cliche OP. It's an untenable position for your wife to be in and you've created this. And you wonder why she doesn't want to get pregnant?! Gah! I give up!

I don’t think you’ve read the thread. She does want children. If she was saying she didn’t want children, I wouldn’t be in this conundrum. I’d just go and not feel quite as bad about it.

It’s only since I told her all this that she actually opened up and started saying she really wanted to have a baby with me. Before, when we were just coasting through life and she felt as though I’d never leave her, that we never discussed it and if felt like she wasn’t bothered

Firstly, this is not a good relationship to bring a child into so you should not really be trying imo.

Secondly, if you weren't trying for a baby would either of you want to have sex at all?

It sounds to me like you have both lost sexual attraction to each other and are living as friends in a platonic relationship.

The sex is functional and unsatisfactory for both of you. I think that unless you are both happy to stay in a platonic relationship you have to face the fact that it's over. It just depends on how long you want to limp on for.

I don't think you've read my response. She clearly is unsure about having children with you. Because, you're like contacting other women.

Whatever she's done now you're acting currently is completely unacceptable. Just stop. Think. You are married. Decide what you want.

@Gutwrenching

It’s only since I told her all this that she actually opened up and started saying she really wanted to have a baby with me. Before, when we were just coasting through life and she felt as though I’d never leave her, that we never discussed it and if felt like she wasn’t bothered

Personally I think she's lying. If a woman really wants to have a baby she will move heaven and earth to get it. I think she's only saying that because you said otherwise you'd leave her.

@Fairenuff

Firstly, this is not a good relationship to bring a child into so you should not really be trying imo.

Secondly, if you weren't trying for a baby would either of you want to have sex at all?

It sounds to me like you have both lost sexual attraction to each other and are living as friends in a platonic relationship.

The sex is functional and unsatisfactory for both of you. I think that unless you are both happy to stay in a platonic relationship you have to face the fact that it's over. It just depends on how long you want to limp on for.

Thank you. This is good advice. I’ll take it on board. Part of me thinks the sex side could maybe be fixed with therapy. I honestly think years of trying to conceive, at least on my part, has contributed to the drop in libido with her. I guess that’s what I need to find out. Can I fix that, or has it gone too far.

@welliesarefuntowear

I don't think you've read my response. She clearly is unsure about having children with you. Because, you're like contacting other women.

In this instance, I’ll choose to believe the exact words that come out of her own mouth rather than yours.

Does she have a career? Is that the reason.for the delay in trying properly for children?

You met at 25/26, you were both healthy, financially independent, no major problems or issues? You both want kids, or you both profess to want kids? It's an unusual situation that you are in if I'm honest. You say it's partly due to poor communication issues, but you communicate well enough to talk about her cycle, to talk about when you should have sex.

Sorry if I missed this but have you ever even investigated the possibility of infertility?

You are both sleepwalking your lives away.

Do what you want OP. I don't know your wife. I don't know you. You've asked for opinions. But as far as I can see this situation is largely of your own making. Good luck, I'm sure you'll do very well on tinder but I don't think you've any idea what it takes to be a parent.

@Gutwrenching

It’s only since I told her all this that she actually opened up and started saying she really wanted to have a baby with me. Before, when we were just coasting through life and she felt as though I’d never leave her, that we never discussed it and if felt like she wasn’t bothered

I'm not so sure I'd believe she wants children.

You're the one pushing babies, she's done very, very little in trying to get pregnant, when she knows you'd be supportive.

I wouldn't be surprised to find she's just saying that to avoid you leaving her. I mean, you talk about a lack of communication, but she could have talked to you about trying for a baby anytime.

I think it's odd to only have sex at times when you think she might be ovulating. Doesn't that make her just feel like a receptacle. You're basically saying I don't fancy you or want you but I do need your body to give me a baby so I'm only interested in that for the short space of time once a month. Not very sexy is it.

I do still think that this is the heart of the problem. You’ve made a decision OP and are justifying it. I do think you could have put your energy into your marriage in the last few years however all your responses seem to be to want to justify you wanting to leave. However I think you know that you could try for kids with your wife right now if you wanted. But you don’t.

It still appears that you have chosen to direct your energy outward Instead of towards your partner both sexually and communication wise in terms of wanting a child/ren . It would seem you can hardly blame the fact you have no children on your partner , considering it’s been largely a choice to have little sex as in your words you’d rather masterbate.

If you do want to save the marriage will you have therapy?

It really does seem odd that she wants children yet makes no effort to make it happen for fear of failure. That doesnt really make sense to me. I know “trying” for a baby is offputting and tedious as well as disappointing (i’ve been there and have the t-shirt). I think the lack of communication over the years is so sad. It strikes me you are just different people. Do you think it has just run its course? Is your desire to make it work more borne out of fear of being alone (it is a scary thought i know) rather than the real desire to make it work. Im not sure your heart is in it. Does your wife have a career/ interests/hobbies/friends?