Best Way To Handle College Age Daughter

[RetiredDad]

Hello. I'm new to this. A little about myself. I'm a recently (April 2020) retired Police Officer. I'm also getting back together with my wife. We divorced after 25 years of marriage. We have been divorced for 5 years and in November of 2019 we decided that I would move back in the house. This unfortunate pandemic served more of a test to see if we are really able to work through the previous issues that ended our marriage in the first place. I have to say that so far it is working. We still love each other very much and we are able to work out our previous problems (also thanks to a quality marriage counselor that doesn't take sides but in fact remains neutral!). The only real problem we are still having is with our College age daughter. Listening to us and using common sense is something our daughter doesn't seem to want to do. She always has to do things uphill and backwards (because she is in her "feelings"). This causes my wife and I to butt heads on solutions. My stance is since she is an adult AND when my wife and I were her age we were already in our careers (my wife is an R.N.) When we had our problems we had to come up with the answers not fall back on our parents to help us or bail us out. I know I'm a little old school with my thinking, but I have tried to keep my antiquated opinions to myself and come up with a practical solution with my wife. I can't seem to do right here with this topic because either my wife says I'm too harsh or I don't offer enough input to help. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Your wife is an adult. If she has a problem or is feeling down or stressed do you tell her to handle it on her own or do you support her?

Not sure what you want ideas on.

Maybe you could try not speaking about your daughter in such a disparaging way.

What exactly is she doing that is uphill and backwards? Perhaps she has found the divorce and subsequent reconciliation somewhat of a rollercoaster emotionally. You may have been in your careers at her age but she is a different person and these are different times.

You don't actually say what your daughter is doing apart from having "feelings" (emphasis and snark your own).

Maybe your daughter would like you better if you were kinder?

I think you need to give examples

When couples have problems in the relationship they are unwilling or unable to deal with, they often project it onto a child. Something for you to think about.

OP, are you in the USA? Your spelling makes me think that you are, sorry if that's not the case. If so, a college aged child will be 18-22.

I've had two children go through the US college system very recently and things can be tough with them at that age, particularly if they attend a liberally thinking college. We were lucky that our views and politics align with our childrens', but we do know of people with conservative values who have really struggled with their offspring's differing views once they went to college. Plus, many US college age kids are very woke and accept no differing views from parents.

That being said, I don't think you can compare what you did at their age to what your daughter is doing now. Life has changed dramatically in the last 30 years and children are mainly not in the same place as we were at their age. The growing up and finding your place in the world seems to take longer, student debt is much higher and a more worrying prospect to pay off, housing costs more, the world is in a shit place, that's some of the things our children have to deal with. It also helps enormously to remember that brains are not finished maturing until about 25.

You and your wife do need to be on the same page, though, and should discuss in private what your hard limits are re house rules and behaviour, and stick to them. Your divorce has probably impacted your daughter more than you think and she may be thinking that it's just all going to fail spectacularly again.

Does your daughter live with you and your wife?

During the 5 years that you were apart, how many nights a week did your daughter spend at your house ?

How does she feel about you moving in to her and her mums house ?

Based on the replies so far I should further explain. My daughter is in her third year of College and instead of sticking to her studies and finishing school she has decided to get a job, move off campus into an apartment (with her boyfriend) and get a dog. It would seem she's surprised that I'm upset at all three of her decisions and my initial response was to cut her off financially and let her deal since we find out all of this AFTER she did it. My wife and I discussed it and decided that we would try and help as best as we could. (I did this under protest for the record not just agree without letting my feelings be known). Instead of listening to practical solutions to these issues she tries to handle all of this on her own, and when for example she has trouble at work (being paid unfairly) she becomes depressed, and my wife and I inform her of the fair labor laws and practices (my wife even helps draft emails to deal with her supervisors) she very rarely takes the advice which frustrates me. I told her if she just took my advice like she takes any money we give her she would be a little better off. This caused a bit of an issue between my wife and I and I have come to the conclusion that its best that I say very little and be as supportive as I can be. I think my actions will speak louder than my words.

So are you paying for everything or does she need this job to support herself? Have her grades suffered or are you just assuming they will?

You say you and your wife were independent adults at her age and then you seem to resent your daughter for making her own decisions.

It's not her fault she's being paid unfairly. It's also not her fault college fees are absolutely extortionate and she needs support with those costs. It's not fair on her for you to hold this over her and pass judgment on her choices because she's still partially financially dependent on you.

You sound incredibly overbearing. It's your way or the highway. How involved were you in her formative teenage years while you were separated from her mother? It's possible she's having trouble readjusting to being under your rule.

@PAND0RA

Does your daughter live with you and your wife?

During the 5 years that you were apart, how many nights a week did your daughter spend at your house ?

How does she feel about you moving in to her and her mums house ?

I moved out the house when we divorced. I continued to help pay the bills because money is not what we fought about. To re-establish myself financially I worked a second full time job. For the first three years I lived in a basement apartment, and then the last 2 years I was able to afford my own apartment. She stayed with me on a regular basis although when I moved out my wife relaxed some of the house rules (I.E. going out on school nights, curfew times etc). When she stayed with me I was not as liberal with the rules as her mother was. I told her as long as you stay under my roof you live by my rules. We live in Westchester County NY. When she graduated HS she had a full scholarship to a school in South Carolina, and she insisted to go to school in Washington DC. The school in DC offered NO financial aid and we have to pay to the tune of roughly $45,000 per year. According to my daughter she is happy about us getting back together.

But you don't have to pay the $45,000 a year, your daughter can take out student loans. Why didn't you do that? She has no skin in the game if you've paid for everything, no reason to stick it out as she has no financial liability. You could have offered to pay the equivalent of instate tuition and had her take out loans for the rest, even.

By paying for it all, up front, you've not taught her the value of money and the consequences of actions.

My dad got offered a job when he was 21 that he stayed in til he was 65. He is however very well aware that times have changed and doesn't use it against us.

I don't know what is it you want from your daughter? I mean she hasn't dropped out right? Just working for a semester?

@Modestandatinybitsexy

So are you paying for everything or does she need this job to support herself? Have her grades suffered or are you just assuming they will?

You say you and your wife were independent adults at her age and then you seem to resent your daughter for making her own decisions.

It's not her fault she's being paid unfairly. It's also not her fault college fees are absolutely extortionate and she needs support with those costs. It's not fair on her for you to hold this over her and pass judgment on her choices because she's still partially financially dependent on you.

You sound incredibly overbearing. It's your way or the highway. How involved were you in her formative teenage years while you were separated from her mother? It's possible she's having trouble readjusting to being under your rule.

We were paying for everything, so she would not have to work and she could just concentrate on getting her degree and not have to deal with paying mortgage and bills while going to school like her mother and I did. If she does not want to do this the adult thing to do would be to sit down with us and tell us what she wanted to do and have a plan on how she was going to get to that goal. When I failed out of College on my first try I spoke to my dad and told him what my plan was. I became a cop moved out of my parent's house 6 months later and have been independent ever since. I was only 20 at the time.

Why are you talking about yourself? I thought you wanted advice about your daughter.

@Themountainsarecalling

But you don't have to pay the $45,000 a year, your daughter can take out student loans. Why didn't you do that? She has no skin in the game if you've paid for everything, no reason to stick it out as she has no financial liability. You could have offered to pay the equivalent of instate tuition and had her take out loans for the rest, even.

By paying for it all, up front, you've not taught her the value of money and the consequences of actions.

Trust me I didn't want to pay the $45,000 a year, but seeing as my wife and I were able to divorce without involving lawyers I did the math and figured the smarter thing to do would be this. (her mother and I split the cost. My second job paid for her school so I was good for the full four years. Once I paid up the school costs I had enough for a proper apartment for myself. The idea was to work the second job and not have to touch any of my retirement. For the record we agreed for her to keep the house and I got to keep my pension. I also agreed to help with the other home expenses so there would be no other financial stress. I took the responsibility on my own to make up the difference.

@Destroyedpeople

Why are you talking about yourself? I thought you wanted advice about your daughter.

I was only answering questions that were asked.

Well.....ok then.
Not sure what advice you aRe seeking.
Is your daughter working for a semester to help cover expenses or has she dropped out?

What does all that story about your divorce and reunion have to do with your daughter? Unless she's deeply impatient with both of you for timing your marriage problems during her adolescence, and thinks that your brand of 'common sense' doesn't seem to be working out that well for either of you?

Well, if she's decided to drop out of school, rent an apartment with her boyfriend and work, your financial responsibility to her would seem to be over, wouldn't it?

There's no reason why you and your wife can't give her moral support and advice, but no need for any money to change hands. Perhaps then you can get your relationship back onto a more even keel.

Leave her alone then

Maybe she doesn't want to listen to you?

Maybe she doesn't want her advice?
You can't expect her to obey as a child one hand and then get annoyed when she does live as an adult. Can't have it both ways.
Not sure why your job name dropping or finances has got to do with anything. Are you used to people doing as you say?

Yeh I am not sure what the problem is here.
You say you need to 'handle' your college age daughter.....
Well she hasn't turned to crime or drugs and she has a job and relationshio and consults you and wife for life advice....

Seriously what is the issue that needs 'handling'?

Your daughter is an adult, she does not need your permission to move house. She does not need your permission for anything.

You seem to want your daughter to be independent, as you and your wife were at that age, yet you are upset when your daughter makes decisions for herself without consulting you. What exactly do you want from her?

Theres no handling needed.

Either give her money or don't, listen to her problems or don't, offer her help or don't. If your wife gets upset with your decisions, then weigh that into the equation of your decisions. If you want to pay for her schooling, then pay for it. No need for elaborate rules about how she needs to walk you through all the details of her life.

It's not brain surgery is it? You are making it all sound very complicated, but essentially you either pay $45k a year or you don't.

I suspect what you actually need to do is accept that your daughter doesn't need to do as you tell her, or even entertain your advice.

It seems like your actual question is "how can I ensure my adult daughter does as I tell her, without my wife thinking I'm an arsehole", which, yeah not sure you are going to get a strategy for that one. If you're domineering and annoying, you can't just transfer that onto your daughter without your wife noticing.

I'm with SonEtLumiere. You sound like you've been a real jerk to your daughter.

She's not you and the world isn't the same, so stop comparing your younger years with hers.

You sound like somebody who doesn't make much use of empathy and you sound quite hot headed.