Best Way To Handle College Age Daughter

[RetiredDad]

Hello. I'm new to this. A little about myself. I'm a recently (April 2020) retired Police Officer. I'm also getting back together with my wife. We divorced after 25 years of marriage. We have been divorced for 5 years and in November of 2019 we decided that I would move back in the house. This unfortunate pandemic served more of a test to see if we are really able to work through the previous issues that ended our marriage in the first place. I have to say that so far it is working. We still love each other very much and we are able to work out our previous problems (also thanks to a quality marriage counselor that doesn't take sides but in fact remains neutral!). The only real problem we are still having is with our College age daughter. Listening to us and using common sense is something our daughter doesn't seem to want to do. She always has to do things uphill and backwards (because she is in her "feelings"). This causes my wife and I to butt heads on solutions. My stance is since she is an adult AND when my wife and I were her age we were already in our careers (my wife is an R.N.) When we had our problems we had to come up with the answers not fall back on our parents to help us or bail us out. I know I'm a little old school with my thinking, but I have tried to keep my antiquated opinions to myself and come up with a practical solution with my wife. I can't seem to do right here with this topic because either my wife says I'm too harsh or I don't offer enough input to help. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Speaking as someone who also got their undergrad degree in my 20s and masters in my 30s, so is not averse to doing things in a non-traditional order - I still say if my kid chose a course/university that cost me $45000 a year and then dropped out in their final year therefore spaffing the lot of it up the wall I would be fucking livid!

JudyGemstone

Oh, absolutely, but she might have made a different decision if she had parents she could rely on for support and talk to without judgement...

Hi, OP, I wonder if advice is what your daughter really wants from you? It may be you are offering her good, well-founded advice from your own perspective - that of having lived a lot longer and seen many of the harsher aspects of life (especially in your job, which I can imagine was a tough one requiring toughness). The problem is that she hasn’t lived your life nor you hers. So advice that works for you may not for her. I wonder if she just wants you to listen to her perspective? I can imagine you might find that frustrating if so. You sound a bit like my husband: a great guy but doesn’t want to talk feelings just to offer a practical solution. See how it goes to sit with her and ask her how things look to her. And not to offer advice. Strangely enough, you may find taking your advice is what she does do if she feels listened to.

As to ‘little guy’. You don’t have to like him. There’s no law says you do - but I’d caution against making it that glaringly obvious. Your daughter will end up with a vested interest in sticking with him to prove a point. Being polite to him is all that’s required, and making it clear to your daughter that you love her and only care that any man she chooses to love and respect her too. You are definitely allowed house rules if you don’t approve of premarital sex. It’s your view. However, be careful how it comes across. I am quite sure you raised your daughter with a strong value system; trust her to use it to inform her own decision-making.

Thank you all for your advice. My best choice is to do more active listening, and keep the bulk of my opinions to myself. Right now no matter how great I think my advice is it does not fit with my Daughter's ideas. Again I do love both my wife and Daughter and I can't apologize for wanting the best for them. I did not realize that this is a site outside of the United States, and therefore a great number of you probably have a negative view of Police Officers especially those from the NYPD. For the record I have never been brought up on any abusive or excessive force allegations or charges throughout my 32 year career. I still do feel I have to defend myself because a lot of the negativity. I grew up during the 70's and early 80's and by the end of that decade I was already a cop. So if this were a TV show you would think I was one of the cops from "Life on Mars" as opposed to "Law and Order" or "Blue Bloods". Again thank you all for your advice and I will keep you updated.

@RetiredDad sounds like you have a good plan. It isnt easy but if you keep it simple and keep examining your assumptions/ reorienting yourself to the fact that your daughter is a grown up, you will be ok. I know you love her and she is your little girl, it's hard but you can make the transition from dad of a minor child to dad of an adult child.

madwoman1ntheattic
Honestly, I think she’s struggling that you fucked of and left her mother

Ok now you sound like you have personal issues you are dumping on the OP. THEY divorced. How is this fucking off and leaving the mother? Do you always blame the man when divorce happens, even when amicable? Do you always see women as poor, helpless weaklings that are dumped and abandoned? I think you are projecting a hatred of men here Petal.

I was going to say what you’d already come to the conclusion of. Try more active listening and empathy and less advice. Try listening to the feelings and not just try to ‘fix’ the problems. Allow space for crying and emotions. It can be really hard to watch someone you love be upset. The tendency is to just jump in with solutions. Don’t! There’s some great books out there about this if you like learning. I can understand feeling pissed off about the money spent on education. That’s a lot of money. However, I was also wondering about you trying to build a more adult-adult relationship with her rather than an adult-child. So what is she into, what do you like doing together? Stuff that isn’t about a life plan but just about enjoying her company. Go on walks, trips or meals out or whatever you fancy doing. MN isn’t only uk but a lot of posters are UK based. So the no sex before marriage isn’t so much of a big deal here as it is in the States.

@ThickFast

I was going to say what you’d already come to the conclusion of. Try more active listening and empathy and less advice. Try listening to the feelings and not just try to ‘fix’ the problems. Allow space for crying and emotions. It can be really hard to watch someone you love be upset. The tendency is to just jump in with solutions. Don’t! There’s some great books out there about this if you like learning. I can understand feeling pissed off about the money spent on education. That’s a lot of money. However, I was also wondering about you trying to build a more adult-adult relationship with her rather than an adult-child. So what is she into, what do you like doing together? Stuff that isn’t about a life plan but just about enjoying her company. Go on walks, trips or meals out or whatever you fancy doing. MN isn’t only uk but a lot of posters are UK based. So the no sex before marriage isn’t so much of a big deal here as it is in the States.

Thank you for the advice and information. Tomorrow my wife and I are visiting our Daughter in Washington DC. Its about a 4 1/2 hour drive from New York City. On the way we could go over how best to listen to our daughter and discuss what her plans are for the future. I will probably spend a lot of time walking with the dog through the park across the street from her apartment. It would probably be the best thing for me to do.

Get her to walk the dog with you! Walking is a great way to communicate as it’s a bit less intense than sitting down in front of someone. Ask her how her weekend was, how the job’s going. I hope it goes well for you. Changing the way you react in a family relationship is hard work and sometimes very uncomfortable.

RetiredDad

Good luck!

On the way we could go over how best to listen to our daughter and discuss what her plans are for the future.

Just remember that her future isn't necessarily up for discussion. If she does talk about it, listen and reflect back to her.that you have heard what she has to say. Don't be too quick to jump in with am advice or a solution.

Really hope it goes well and, on her behalf, thank you for looking for an alternative approach.

*with advice

I can spell... 🙄

“@FloutMyArse*
And sorry, but being an American policeman is hardly something that automatically earns global respect these days
That was uncalled for.”*

We’ll have to agree to disagree. He’s waving his police credentials around to illustrate his moral upstandingness all through this thread, and I disagree it helps his case.

Also to add, you have made your choices in life. You wouldn't ask your daughter for her approval?
So now she's no longer a child, why does she need yours?

Well put, Aerial2020!

I will probably spend a lot of time walking with the dog through the park across the street from her apartment. It would probably be the best thing for me to do.

I think that's very passive-aggressive, to be honest -- 'Oh, I can't handle this emotional stuff, I'll leave it to my wife and just walk the dog in the park, visibly bristling with disapproval and in full view of the windows'. Just listen to your daughter. Don't leap in with criticism and solutions. Don't tell her she's failed. Don't be unpleasant to or about her boyfriend. Don't be so sure you're always right. Restart your relationship on some foundation of mutual love, not criticism.

But really, your family should have moved beyond the idea that mother and daughter get together and talk while Old-School Dad walks the dog because he just can't get past the idea that he knows better than his adult daughter, and she needs to fall in line with his version of a successful life.

has stayed a couple of nights with little man (her boyfriend is a short guy)

You sound like a stereotypical US cop, I'm afraid.

You know what? Size is one thing we have no control over. A man can be 5 foot and much more of a man than a 6-foot wrestler.

You sound horrible: nasty to your dd, impatient, domineering.

You know what? Your way is not the only way. Your dd is an adult now. Let her live her own life or risk losing her forever.

Have to say, I too am not seeing what her boyfriend's height has to do with anything...

Update. We got back yesterday afternoon from visiting with my Daughter. She shared with my wife and I what her plans were (return to school, get her degree and work for the federal disaster relief agency). I just listened and told her that I love her and support whatever she decides to do, and I just want her to be happy. We did spend a lot of time walking and talking. Again thank you all for the continued advice.

👍 good to hear!

Ah that's great to hear. Really pleased it went well.

Onwards and upwards now!

That’s lovely. Sounds really positive. I hope it felt good for you too.

That's brilliant! Well done!

One point I'd like to make is that you and your wife have done your best raising your daughter, and now you have to trust that you have helped her develop into a wonderful young adult. Trust her to prove that to you. Give her the chance.

If you always go from the view that she's fucking up constantly and never listening to you, she can do no right. She FEELS that. So why would she try?

Outwardly show her that you believe in her and have faith in her decisions, even if you have misgivings inwardly, unless she asks your advice in which case you can offer constructive help. Not 'don't do x like you always do', but genuine, unbiased help. Which I'm sure you do mean to do.

You've done a great job so far. Trust her. And listen.