Best Way To Handle College Age Daughter

[RetiredDad]

Hello. I'm new to this. A little about myself. I'm a recently (April 2020) retired Police Officer. I'm also getting back together with my wife. We divorced after 25 years of marriage. We have been divorced for 5 years and in November of 2019 we decided that I would move back in the house. This unfortunate pandemic served more of a test to see if we are really able to work through the previous issues that ended our marriage in the first place. I have to say that so far it is working. We still love each other very much and we are able to work out our previous problems (also thanks to a quality marriage counselor that doesn't take sides but in fact remains neutral!). The only real problem we are still having is with our College age daughter. Listening to us and using common sense is something our daughter doesn't seem to want to do. She always has to do things uphill and backwards (because she is in her "feelings"). This causes my wife and I to butt heads on solutions. My stance is since she is an adult AND when my wife and I were her age we were already in our careers (my wife is an R.N.) When we had our problems we had to come up with the answers not fall back on our parents to help us or bail us out. I know I'm a little old school with my thinking, but I have tried to keep my antiquated opinions to myself and come up with a practical solution with my wife. I can't seem to do right here with this topic because either my wife says I'm too harsh or I don't offer enough input to help. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t think you have quite grasped that your dd is an adult. Even the ‘my house, my rules’ and curfew stuff is laced with a dislike that I can’t quite put my finger on. My eldest has also just finished third year and moved home for the pandemic duration as next semester’s classes are all online. We asked her what she wanted to do, as she had been renting a place herself (her second place, actually - nothing to do with us as she is an adult and decides where she wants to live and with whom).
The money thing is very interesting to me. We aren’t in a position to give her $45k a year, but we had saved enough to cover $20/25k a year and it is up to her to either work or take out loans to cover anything else she needs. It obviously depends what course she is doing, but dd has managed to complete 3rd year with no debt by working every summer and having a pt term time job that fits around her evening labs (she teaches STEM after school clubs).
Paying for everything and actively preventing your dd from making decisions as to what she wants to do (as a way of controlling what she does) has rather backfired, it seems?
Adults do tend to make their own decisions as to where they live, who with (including pets!) and if they want to work.
I am struggling to understand your thoughts here. Your insistence on trying to control her actions are exactly why she didn’t tell you in advance.
If she has dropped out, you don’t need to continue paying. If she hasn’t, and your agreement was that you would support her through school, why would you be making threats if not to control her?
As a small FYI - not having to work through school is a gilded cage. It prevents financial doom, but it also prevents financial maturity.
I am laughing that you are so put out that she (the horror) got a job.

So if she had gone to the other college it would have been funded? What was her reason to choose the one she didn't get funding for? Has she dropped out of college or is she working and studying?

If there were no real advantage to doing to the non funded college then I'm not sure I would have paid for it or at least only partially and would have told her to get a loan.

I think it is much better for them.to get a job even whilst studying. It gives them experience and references which are very useful when getting a job in the future. All employers value experience.

She's an adult and I don't see the problem in her moving in with her boyfriend and getting a dog. I moved in with my boyfriend whilst at college too and we were together for many years.

My parents were quite controlling of me when i was young and although I know they meant it from a good place, it alienated me and ended up with me not confiding in them nor asking for their advice because I didn't want to be lectured.

Treat her as an adult. But adults need support too.

@rvby

Theres no handling needed.

Either give her money or don't, listen to her problems or don't, offer her help or don't. If your wife gets upset with your decisions, then weigh that into the equation of your decisions. If you want to pay for her schooling, then pay for it. No need for elaborate rules about how she needs to walk you through all the details of her life.

It's not brain surgery is it? You are making it all sound very complicated, but essentially you either pay $45k a year or you don't.

I suspect what you actually need to do is accept that your daughter doesn't need to do as you tell her, or even entertain your advice.

It seems like your actual question is "how can I ensure my adult daughter does as I tell her, without my wife thinking I'm an arsehole", which, yeah not sure you are going to get a strategy for that one. If you're domineering and annoying, you can't just transfer that onto your daughter without your wife noticing.

Ok I will be a bit more exact. I helped pay for school. She does not want to continue with school. She failed to tell us that and did the other things (move off campus with the boyfriend, and get the dog). Yes she is an adult, but she keeps asking for advice. My wife gets me involved. Since she is an adult making adult choices AND WON'T listen to any advice given by me how can I just stay out of it and not make things go bad with my wife? I have told my wife that our daughter is in a place where she understands her better, and I have done the best I can to help, but it dosen't seem to be working. I feel I'm being honest with both of them.

Ok so she has dropped out? Then no need to give her any more money. That problem is solved, is it not?

The remaining problem is that she asks for advice and doesnt take it. Well - you're her dad - so if she asks for advice, give it. If she takes it, cool. If she doesn't, cool. Again, the problem is solved, you've done your best.

What remaining problems do you have?

I'll put it another way: can you explain what you want to stop happening, and also, what you wish would start happening? Still not sure on that one.

@madwoman1ntheattic

I don’t think you have quite grasped that your dd is an adult. Even the ‘my house, my rules’ and curfew stuff is laced with a dislike that I can’t quite put my finger on. My eldest has also just finished third year and moved home for the pandemic duration as next semester’s classes are all online. We asked her what she wanted to do, as she had been renting a place herself (her second place, actually - nothing to do with us as she is an adult and decides where she wants to live and with whom). The money thing is very interesting to me. We aren’t in a position to give her $45k a year, but we had saved enough to cover $20/25k a year and it is up to her to either work or take out loans to cover anything else she needs. It obviously depends what course she is doing, but dd has managed to complete 3rd year with no debt by working every summer and having a pt term time job that fits around her evening labs (she teaches STEM after school clubs). Paying for everything and actively preventing your dd from making decisions as to what she wants to do (as a way of controlling what she does) has rather backfired, it seems? Adults do tend to make their own decisions as to where they live, who with (including pets!) and if they want to work. I am struggling to understand your thoughts here. Your insistence on trying to control her actions are exactly why she didn’t tell you in advance. If she has dropped out, you don’t need to continue paying. If she hasn’t, and your agreement was that you would support her through school, why would you be making threats if not to control her? As a small FYI - not having to work through school is a gilded cage. It prevents financial doom, but it also prevents financial maturity. I am laughing that you are so put out that she (the horror) got a job.

The my house my rules speech was while she was in High School. Once she reached legal age the only thing I ever asked of her when she visited my apartment was that she respect my home and not have any boyfriend sleep over. A reasonable request.

So you won’t let her boyfriend sleep over? Stands to reason that she decided to move in with him instead.

Given that my dd is 20 and was a little early going, I’m guessing she is 21?
How old do you think she needs to be to make her own decisions? It will be harder for her, as she’s been prevented from doing so by her father, but she seems to be getting the hang of it, eh?
So are you going to answer whether your issue is that you are losing control of your adult dd? Or whether she has dropped out?
It’s all noise.
If she has dropped out, your financial contribution is done. You just need to let her know she can talk to you about her decisions and you will listen.
If she is still in school, just say she took you by surprise with her decisions. And listen.
Your days as dictator are over. It’s a two way relationship now.
Be a little more interested in her needs rather than telling her how to live.

@madwoman1ntheattic

So you won’t let her boyfriend sleep over? Stands to reason that she decided to move in with him instead.

The request was made out of respect to my home, as I respected my parent's home when I lived there. Is this now considered an unrealistic request?

So you don't even want to offer her advice as she doesn't follow it to the letter?
Jeez you really don't like her much do you?

It very easy to alienate young adult children. Dictatorship isn’t an effective parenting technique at this point. You have to ask questions, listen, and allow them to make their own mistakes. And be there to support when they do.
Trying to prevent them making mistakes by force just means you won’t be asked to help with the clean-up. And presumably you do want a relationship with your child in the future?

If you don't want to see your daughter as a sexual being.....why is that?

Ok. My dd went out of province/ state. The fact that she trusted us enough to ask if she could bring her boyfriend to meet us at all and stay was a privilege. Did I want them sharing a room? I looked at it logically.
I chatted to her adult to adult and said she could make the decision. I didn’t want to dictate, and I wanted to let her know that I had faith in the way I raised her and trusted her to make her own decisions (just as she does at school). Mostly, I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable in her own home either way (as a woman I also didn’t want her to feel she was obligated to share with him).
So she first said separate rooms, but then actually she decided that they would share.
The world didn’t end.
I trust her.
I trust her to make the right decision for herself whether I am there or not.
But mostly I chat to her and let her know I trust her judgement.
And here we are.
I respect her and she respects me.
You can’t demand respect. It doesn’t work like that. Demanding respect destroys it.

@Destroyedpeople

So you don't even want to offer her advice as she doesn't follow it to the letter? Jeez you really don't like her much do you?

She doesn't follow it and then comes back crying about what she did and how it didn't work. How many times am I expected to hear about her failure, support her and give her quality advice, only for the cycle to repeat itself. My wife is better suited for this as she supports the merry go round this has become. I am just trying to work on getting my marriage back on track. With my daughter is it possible for me to just support without getting further involved because (even though I have had some of these experiences) she chooses to listen to an inner voice that doesn't really work well? I'm sorry this comes across as dislike its really frustration.

In what way is an adult sleeping with her boyfriend in what was presumably, until very recently, also her longterm/childhood home ‘disrespecting your house’? Why is it ‘your house’? Are you the only one allowed to have sex in it? Why?

@DazzleCamouflage

In what way is an adult sleeping with her boyfriend in what was presumably, until very recently, also her longterm/childhood home ‘disrespecting your house’? Why is it ‘your house’? Are you the only one allowed to have sex in it? Why?

I was talking about my apartment before I moved back into the house. I no longer own the house as my wife now owns it so I am very careful to respect those boundaries. My adult daughter can do whatever my wife will allow to happen in her house. I respect that. She has stayed a couple of nights with little man (her boyfriend is a short guy) and I haven't made an issue over it. It's none of my business what they do.

Um. You are expected to sit and support her through as many failures as she makes. You’re her dad.
Did you only want to do the good bits of parenting? Or were you under the impression that imparting your wisdom under the guise of rules was ‘parenting’?
Human beings do make mistakes.
Given that the most catastrophic mistake you have mentioned so far is ‘moving in with her boyfriend and getting a dog’ I think it’s fair to assume she hasn’t been through six years of narcotics use and has four children by four different fathers?
Do you have any examples of other terrible mistakes she has made?
Honestly, I think she’s struggling that you fucked of and left her mother, and have now waltzed back in with a ‘my house’ rule when you had been out of it for five years, and it had become hers and her mom’s house.
Behold. The father returns.
What he says goes.

What is it that you want and expect from her? The way you describe hearing her talk about "her failure" is horrid. She's just trying to live her life and yes sometimes (particularly for young adults) that goes wrong. How about building her up rather than knocking her down. You seem to see your daughter as an inconvenience to your marriage but perhaps your wife sees some things about your personality come out that she dislikes. That's not your daughters fault. Your not a siblings she's got in trouble with mum, your her father.

You have used the word 'failed' and 'failure ' a few times now.
I am starting to dislike you as much as you dislike your daughter.

I would temper the advice you give.

. . start giving vague advice, 'yes, give that ago' or 'if you'd like to do that go ahead' or 'times have changed I don't know about this stuff' etc
It's easy to say, leave college, get a job, save for an apartment, meet a guy, get together long term - but that was life when you were young it's not like that now.
DD is young -there's still plenty of time for mistakes and wrong decisions, let her make them.
The only issue is giving her money- you can't keep funding her life long term. A discussion with your wife to set limits could help, but you might have to change your ideas.
Most young couples ime when they move in together get a pet - it's totally the wrong thing for the pet as they are usually both working but it's a surrogate baby and completes their home.

I’m still not clear on why your daughter sleeping with her boyfriend in your apartment was ‘disrespectful’?

little man (her boyfriend is a short guy)

Are you aware of how unpleasantly you’re coming across here in gratuitously belittling your daughter’s boyfriend?

She doesn't follow it and then comes back crying about what she did and how it didn't work. How many times am I expected to hear about her failure, support her and give her quality advice, only for the cycle to repeat itself.

She isnt failing, she is just learning. As her dad, you're just supposed to listen and love her.

You arent accountable to protect her from the world or tell her what to do. You may think of your advice as "love", but it isnt, the advice isnt important at all. Your actual job is to love her and support her while she muddles her way through her own mistakes.

It sounds like you want to concentrate on your wife and stop your daughter from taking up your time. Which is your prerogative. It does make you sound like a fairweather parent, which isnt an appealing quality. It's up to you whether you learn the listening skills of a good father, I suppose.

@madwoman1ntheattic

Um. You are expected to sit and support her through as many failures as she makes. You’re her dad. Did you only want to do the good bits of parenting? Or were you under the impression that imparting your wisdom under the guise of rules was ‘parenting’? Human beings do make mistakes. Given that the most catastrophic mistake you have mentioned so far is ‘moving in with her boyfriend and getting a dog’ I think it’s fair to assume she hasn’t been through six years of narcotics use and has four children by four different fathers? Do you have any examples of other terrible mistakes she has made? Honestly, I think she’s struggling that you fucked of and left her mother, and have now waltzed back in with a ‘my house’ rule when you had been out of it for five years, and it had become hers and her mom’s house. Behold. The father returns. What he says goes.

I have been supporting her and since when is divorce considered fucking off and leaving??? I was always part of her life when we divorced and we saw each other regularly. I was never just a weekend father during the divorce even with a second job. The only other thing she did was smoke weed which she tried with her current boyfriend. I had a friendly conversation with the boyfriend about the dangers of smoking weed when your girlfriend's father is a retired cop (no more rules to follow could turn out bad for the little guy). He got the message. Safety measures are in place if she decides to go down the wrong path. I can't apologize or feel guilty about that. I can only protect my daughter the best way I know how.

It is hard to stand by and watch your adult children make mistakes, but that is your job now. They have to learn from their own mistakes. You can advise, but at the end of the day you have to support their decisions and then be there for the inevitable tears.

It sounds as if she's struggling with her mental health tbh. So be supportive.

You sound quite disrespectful about her short boyfriend. Poor bloke. Have you considered your attitude to her choices and decisions may have contributed to her poor mental health? As had your divorce and actions?

What does that mean 'safety measures are in place if she decides to go down the wrong route'.....exactly?

I am so grateful for my lovely dad who doesn't offer advice but is always there if you have a problem.

If I had had a dad like you I would definitely have wanted some weed.

Ah. Retired cop. I’m ex-military as is dh. Neither of us have ever touched any drug, nor even smoked. But in the 21st century, if any of my three kids decide to try weed (we live in Canada and after all, it’s completely legal here) I’ll manage to maintain some semblance of balance. You are doing a really good impression of the caricatured American ex-cop dad with all his gun collection out, waiting for his daughter’s prom date. I have no idea if that’s the look you are going for, but you might want to tone it down a tad. It works in films because it’s funny. Ex-cop caricature. Try and go for human and leave the cop bit behind now.