Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@tickertyboo
Thank you.
I think I was in shock for a while and couldn't fully accept it.
I am guessing regarding the sexuality but the videos didn't all seem to be for women.
But I totally agree, I am not sure how to move forward on my own.
I was excited about it and then it happened I was overwhelmed with anxiety.
I couldn't even have classed that as relationship.
Thank you xx

I'm now taking my rage out on a company with the worst customer service I have ever know. Trying to get a £400 refund that is proving harder than turning water into wine. They keep trying all this stuff, wiggling out of giving it to me. I am being an utter pain in the arse to them and coming up with half remembered information from a business law class I did almost 20 years ago. They are getting increasingly annoyed and I'm liking it. Wtf is wrong with me!

I'm still being polite though. I am British after all.

@Lochie662
Good luck, that's awful. That is a lot of money.
Keep being polite they hate that x

@Nursing2029

I worked in social services for years, I can be polite under the most awful of circumstances. Never give anyone an excuse to not give you what you want. Thank you.

I know, I need that money. To me that's ten counselling sessions and that will make a big difference to me. I'm in the right. They are coming round. I'm waiting on them phoning back. Have you ordered the book yet?

@Lochie662
Too right, that is loads. Good for you.

I did, checked and its in English this time.
I am thinking of going no contact soon.
I think it might help x

Haha @Lochie662 I'm 38 but I will listen anyway!!! I've also ordered a self help book, will let anyone know if it's any good. I feel better about the screen time now as I've just taken them for a big walk and I am going to make some cakes with them. Then it will be tea and bed routine won't it. Non contact is hard. Probably the hardest thing about this. I

@wanttofeelsafe

I'm 38!!!! Almost 39 so probably older, I was right!!...

You sound like you're doing absolutely amazing. And it was a compliment that you seemed younger, you have a young energy about you. Well done.

@Lochie662 @wanttofeelsafe
I am also 38, extremely close to 39.
How weird x

No contact is sooo hard. I got good results today for a course I did, that ex gave me great encouragement through. He's the one who I talked to the most about it and I want to tell him and thank him but I cant as I know he wont care. More pain.💔
Glad you got out walking @wanttofeelsafe and baking is great therapy, you must eat the results mind you 👍.
Seems like Im the Elder here ladies - Im 44😊!!

That is a coincidence!

Crazy.

I'm heading down memory lane. With my ex I met him at 22, he dumped me for someone else at 23 and we were friends till he got married to that woman .... I met my husband during this time we were friends and I cut off contact totally when my ex bf got married to someone else ( yeah, only took me 18 months, god I was pathetic).

Anyway he sent me this long email not long after he got married telling me he loved and missed me and had made a terrible mistake lol but unbeknownst to him I was pregnant with my son at that time (unplanned). I phoned him up and told him, it was totally over, I had moved on and I was pregnant. He just went silent and never said a word. Then just said goodbye and hung up.

I was like, "he's so upset", "I feel so sorry for him"... I felt guilty for years. This guy ....

met someone else when we were going out,
cheated on me with her,
dumped me for her,
told me everything about their relationship

and then when I was no longer able to be there for HIM. I FELT SORRY FOR HIM. I've got to laugh now.

What an absolute nightmare I was. I want to go back and shout at me!!! Please don't feel sorry for him. Redirect your empathy to yourself.

And I'm not an idiot. I'm really not. But this man made me one.

Obviously that wasn't the end of the story. We "reconnected" in 2017... I hate that word.

If it's in the past, it's there for a reason. Just keep moving forward.

@heartlikepaper

That's fantastic news! I'm really happy for you. Congratulations!

This result is all yours, tell people but own it. It was you who achieved it, feel proud of yourself.

He lost the right to ALL parts of your life when he treated you so badly. You are doing absolutely the right thing with the non contact. It's the only way to heal.

I'm sorry though, I know it's hard xxxx

I think about this thread a lot. I felt as if I wasn't understanding how you were all addicted to the horrible one. I was very upset when we split up, very upset. I knew I would never have him back because he'd been unfaithful. Why is it the cheating that's the deal breaker? The abuse was horrendous at times but it's the cheating that bothers me more

I did keep in touch with him for a few weeks but I was doing that working up to getting some kind of revenge. Then I realised how bad I felt whenever I saw him and decided I didn't want to see him ever again and the revenge thing wasn't worth it. HE wasn't worth it.

But it occurred to me today that to begin with I was desperate to walk past where he lives, catch a glimpse. Often. Apparently that's quite common and normal. It was a real urge, I had to physically stop myself from doing it. I suppose it's still there a little bit but I couldn't bear to see either of them so I won't do it. Maybe it's just nosiness.

I never once wanted him back. If he had come back crying (no change there then) saying he'd made a mistake I'd have told him where to go. I missed the familiarity you get from being with someone for so long. I missed having him there to tell things I'd have told him in the past. Now I know he used so many of those things against me.

I never wanted him back but I cried like a baby. I couldn't understand that. It was grief.

After a few months the relief kicked in. Oh that felt good! It lasted for ages . It's died down a bit now but I'm still so grateful he's not in my life. I'm so calm now. My head is clear. My heart is light.

Wow, that's a bit long, sorry. I think I'm just saying that to say you will get there, all of you. Keep talking, here and in RL if you can. Reach out for any support you can. I couldn't have done this on my own.

So, pasta for tea tonight then Nursing?

@TimelyManor
Yeah pizza or pasta.
Couldn't believe it lol.
How long ago did you split with yours?
Did you go non contact straight away?
I am in a bit of a mess, i visited him tonight and he was shouting at me and just horrible. X

@Nursing2029 that sounds awful ,why did you visit him?

@NativeAustralian
Because i am an idiot. Suppose that puts the final nail in..he is so so toxic.

@Nursing2029 nope.Not an idiot at all. Just damaged and desperate like the rest of us.Please dont be hard on yourself x

I just wanted to ask you why you are still in contact with him. If you truly want to move past this pain then you HAVE to cut all contact. I was with a horrible man who could be described as a narcissist who physically and mentally abused me for 10 years. I stayed at first because i thought it was love and then for the sake of my children having a dad in their lives as I hadn't had one. I left him many times and felt the pain you have talked about, it was horrible and mind crushing but the reality of actually being with him turned out to be worse. I finally ended it after escaping from our flat once he had passed out drunk after he barricaded us in living room. Seeing my kids terrified and knowing this would not be the last time. I knew I had to cut off as much contact that was feasably possible, while still allowing him to see our children. I had to unplug the house phone at times which resulted in my parents panicking and racing around on a few occasions. If I had not cut the contact and had let him drop his poison into my head, I would never have ended it for good. I had left so many times before and even lived in a refuge but always went back as he would be nice and I would see the kids have fun with him. He would ring me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. And that was why I never moved on until I cut him out of my life. 14 years on and I am happily married to such a diffent man. It's only now that I realise the psychological hold he had on me (trauma bond) . I also wanted answers as to why he did what he did etc but I have come to realise, it was because he could. I'm not an idiot and I didn't deserve it because I stayed. The fault all lies with him and it has been a mental weight lifted since I have come to terms with it. I wish this for you and anyone else who has or is going through this type of turmoil 💐💐

@Dontknowwhyidoit
That sounds really hard, I hope you are okay now.
I can't explain it, i only ever feel at ease with him and I know its the trauma bond..i am in a bad place just now.
Frightened to move forward but its total poison being in contact.
I really appreciate you comments and support.
I never realised how bad he was xx

@NativeAustralian
Thanks.
I have so much to look forward to, uni course, two kids at home who love me.
I hate that I feel like this about such a vile vile man..x

To be honest, I am still dealing with the baggage of that time in my life. It has effected how I trust or don't trust almost everyone. I still over think everything, as I don't fully trust my own judgement. He was my first love, I was 16 when we got together and 26 when I ended it. I feel that my thinking patterns have developed in a certain way because I was so young and I didn't know any different. I do understandwhat you are going through and I can whole heartily say that you can cut contact, it won't kill you. I was in my first year of my degree and had that and the kids to pour all my focus into and I recommend that you find something that will keep your mind busy as its empty ness that you feel from the calmness of your life that will play games with your head (if you know what I mean) it gets easier and easier over time and it will take time. You are in control of your life, not him, if you want to continue in this cycle and let your children watch and learn that this is how people behave in relationships then that is your choice. There will be lasting consequences the longer you stay with him.

@Dontknowwhyidoit
Thanks so much for your honesty.
We have split 4 times and are still split. Still friends but i realise this is wrong.
I am starting a degree in September.
I really appreciate your post.
I think despite everything it didn't seem like it was all happening to me..it does now. Xx

@TimelyManor

I'm exactly the same as you were, I won't go back. No matter what. It pains me but it's true.

For me the cheating was bad, but it's that he turned his phone off and blocked me when I was in too much pain to get out of bed that was the final straw ( I say final straw - that was last year, but I knew then that I would never , ever stay with him).

He still can't get it, to him he was just doing what any man would do ( he turned him phone off because he was sleeping with someone else). The cheating is secondary for me, that's how let down I felt...

It means I have got no choice but to get over him, because the alternative is what, stay in this misery forever? He will never be good enough for me. Not now. I know that for an absolute fact. It's getting easier. Two weeks tomorrow since he last contacted me. Going off previous patterns he might try and contact me again. But I never said the things before that I said 13 nights ago..... We shall see.

I'm setting up a book if anyone wants a bet?

I'm depressed today.

@Nursing2029

Sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it's tough.

Narcissists make pretty awful friends btw, I know it feels like this is like a transitional phase but .... I bet you any money that you tried to be friends the other three times you split up.... It doesn't work. He's got you in a holding pattern and he's going to torture you from this point onwards.

How was dinner?

@Lochie662
Hi
I was thinking it would help me past the worst but it isn't. He is making me suffer more.
I am my own worst nightmare.
I had pizza, inspied by my book.
How was yours ?