Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@pippakins

Aww thank you that is so nice of you to say. The threads are reminding me I'm just one person and we all have our troubles, it stops me fixating too much on myself.

There's a woman I am listening too, Melanie Tonia Evans. Anyway it's all a bit spirital but she says narcissistic people come into our life to show us the unhealed parts of ourselves. And it's almost a gift that they do that. If we look at what they show us, see the truth of the hurt that they give us and work on healing the true source, then we will benefit so much in the future.

I'm thinking a lot about that just now.

You are so lucky to have good friends, they are worth their weight in gold.

And I like the mantra "I need to heal". I just said it out loud and it made me feel calm.

Thing is,I know with him that he has some serious MH issues ..and that has made me excuse him over and over again, but he can choose to accept help, but instead blames whoever's around him. It's just an endless cycle.

My friend texted me ,such normal stuff she was celebrating anniversary, going on holiday,having garden done ( yeah okay,kinda stealth boasting and she knows I'm having a crap time so ...maybe not the most tactful), however,I was so wistful for that kind of normality and closeness...

@NativeAustralian

They are all the same!! It's so crazy. And don't feel bad about telling him he's left a trail of destruction. Because (a) he absolutely has! And (b) he probably feels absolutely nothing about that fact, he's the Peter Pan of victimhood. He is never moving on from it. Every bit of destruction he has caused, he has a list of reasons, excuses and people to blame.

They've come to terms with it all! Lmfao. This guy is delusional!

My ex blamed me for him fancying me! I tricked him by being fanciable. Lol. I chased him seemingly. I must have amnesia because I DON'T remember that version of events at all lol, and then I split up with him and it was all a big trick to destroy him ( when he treated me appallingly and it turns out slept with someone else for months)

The counselling comment.... FFS, I don't like to swear ( too much anyway) but for crying out loud. He honestly thinks he's going to have the counsellor eating out of his hands.... it's just classic narcissism.

@NativeAustralian

You know one thing I have absolutely 100% decided. See when it gets to that point in our lives when we are sitting in the sun with people that we love and an umbrella in our drink.... Then we will appreciate it so much more than the average person. We are going to be the lucky ones, because we will have true appreciation. And it's hard won, that feeling. I've had it before, it's amazing. We will have it again.

We just have to keep going, we just have to heal.

Hi ladies.
I have spent the day on a real downer. I am so frustrated that things have got like this. I dont recognise myself and am struggling to pull myself out of it even for my kids x

Hi nursing, you're allowed to have a bad day. I'm so sorry you are having it though. Your kids will be fine, they are more resilient than you think.

What was making today difficult? Were you thinking a lot?, or just that horrid feeling in your stomach, the loss.....

@Lochie662
Hi
I didn't sleep the best then I just started overthinking everything.
A proper mix today, loss as in when I am watching TV or something small wishing he was here.
So silly as a few weeks back I was looking forward to this. Its so overwhelming.
Then anger over things I would like to say about how finding those sexting videos destroyed me.
Also annoyed with myself for not just telling him to get lost.
It has been a long tiring day. X

I'm sorry it's so exhausting.... But what I'm really really sorry about is that he turned into such an utter disappointment. Sometimes I used to think what it would be like if it was all as I had thought it was.... I don't do that anymore. I just feel disappointment when I think about him...

Have you wrote him the letter that you don't send. Think of every despicable and vile word that you can think of , put it all in it and just go crazy. There's something in it. It's been helpful to me.

Just give yourself a break. No one gets out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed.

I'm sorry. Xxccc

Goodnight.

@Lochie662
Thanks
I think the letter is a good idea, it gets it out my head.
I hope you sleep well xx

Feel so bad this morning. The loss is huge. I just want him to walk back in and we fix things. I am forgetting the negatives and just wanting someone here even if he is probably the wrong person

Nursing2029, having read your posts, what stands out to me, are the strong feelings that you have regarding the videos he was sending to various people.

I get the feeling that this is the part that is causing you the most pain and is preventing you from moving on. By viewing these videos you saw the real him and his sexuality; which he was keeping a secret from you.

You have been faced with reality but you still cling on. He was never going to give you what you wanted and I think that deep down you knew that. Please get better for the sake of your children.

@wanttofeelsafe

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, it's normal to forget the bad stuff and to just close your eyes and live in ignorance.... If only that were possible.

The loss of him isn't huge.

The loss of yourself if you stayed with him WOULD be huge, absolutely massive.

It's so much more than he doesn't have the capacity to love you, he has the capacity to destroy you.

Just keep posting what your thinking. It helps.

Can't believe i am mourning the loss of something so awful

We all grieved when my F passed away 22 years ago. He was a narcissist. I couldn't bear being around him while he was alive, and when he was in ITU at the end I was willing him to die. I didn't understand this at all, as my DSis and I had repressed our memories (of SA).

My DM really grieved as well, despite the fact that his behaviour towards her was highly controlling. I only realised this when we were searching through his letters to see if there was any evidence about his activities. I came across a few letters he'd written to her, and they were reeking of EA.

Change is also scary, and especially so for you, as you haven't been single in a very long time.

@Lochiee622 my ex knew his ranting was destructive, he said so once. Is it like an OCD that they just cant stop themselves - a switch trips and off they go again. Id love to know if he was watching his behaviour in horror like a fly on the wall.
One of the things that made me start to stand up for myself was a quick flash of realisation as he was ranting at me one day and I thought Im glad my kids arent here seeing me being spoken to like that. That was the beginning of the end. .
@Nursing2029 I Just wrote another big long letter I will never send, it really helps!.

A month since ive seen him, 3 weeks no contact and still my brain is all about him. But I read somewhere that we actually need to rewire our brains after breakups like this, it could take 3 months so keep going guys, one positive affirmation is - "I am a loving person who deserves to be loved in return". This is a time of temporary hard work for a lifetime peace of mind and a healthier future❤😊

Thanks @Lochie662 that really helps :) I hate today and I'm worrying I'm not being a very good parent. Kids are on screens while I either mope, have to sit on the floor due to the ache in my chest or try and distract myself with housework. I've got a lot done but I just miss him so much and it's so exhausting. I don't want this. We could all be going through months of this. I feel so depressed. I know I must be exhausted too from lack of sleep and I've not eaten since Friday night still other than a few bits.

@wanttofeelsafe
🤗❤🤗❤ im so sorry for your pain.
You are not a bad parent. You are a strong mamma, grieving. Be kind to yourself. X

@wanttofeelsafe

First of all kids love screen time and any parent who says they dont rely on it in times of difficulty are either lying or they are missing a trick.

I don't know what age you are but I'm almost sure I'm older than you , so you listen to me. Get yourself a plate of food, sit in front of that screen with your kids and eat it!

You listen to your elder, thats an order,!

You can't heal without food, you will crash and burn without food. Please eat something. And have a sugary drink also.

@heartlikepaper
I am going to write the letter.
I hope you are okay. You are stronger than me, i still have contact and it is draining me.
You have done the right thing.
Don't feel bad about the kids, screen time is essential sometimes and I spent a lot of lockdown allowing my kids to have screen time.

I love this thread and hope we can support eachother until we turn that corner.
My help book arrived yesterday, not much help though as it is in Italian xx

@tickertyboo
Hi
Thanks for your message, i always suspected he was up to something but never that.
They spanned a two year period and were awful. I can't get them out of my head and we tried again after I found these and he showed no remorse at all about them.
I think judging by some of the videos they had to be for men. I think this revelation on top of the narcasstic behaviour just floored me.

@Nursing2029

Lmao. I'm sorry but I laughed. I can't believe you're not fluent in Italian though. I'm still laughing a bit. That's so bloody miserable, you were looking forward to that coming.... I'm still laughing a teeny tiny bit.

I've stopped now ..... I have ... Now

@Mittens030869
Hi
Thanks for sharing that.
I just feel so confused just now.
I find the thought of time on my own scary, a few weeks back I couldn't wait.
He is still in touch, i think its taking me a while to take it all in.
He spent years making out it was all me xx

@Lochie662
It made me laugh too. I was looking forward to reading it last night.
Opened it later on and just thought typical.
I think i will reorder in English .
Maybe I will meet a nice Italian man

Oh no @Nursing2029, but I laughed too, what a pain😋 maybe you can learn Italian on Duolingo, add it to the diversion tactics🤔
You guys are great women.
I second the advice to eat something nice, even popcorn @wanttofeelsafe & snuggle or doze on couch with kids. Those moments are rare enough when life gets busy.

@heartlikepaper
So are you :).
We will all get through this. Annoys me that these men are walking around not even caring.
At least the book made us all have a chuckle, thats what I get for buying the paperback.
Hardback is in English lol x

Nursing2029, a person can only feel remorseful if they accept that their actions are morally wrong. Sadly, you can't expect them to feel that way just because you think it is the right thing to do. It has to come from them.

The fact that you continued with the relationship, despite knowing about his secret sexuality, speaks a great deal about your need to be in a relationship; no matter what the cost to your mental and physical health of you and those around you.

I think the issue here is not so much about him, but rather your feelings of loneliness and isolation which you felt, long before he came along.

I won't go on anymore, but wish you the best. x