Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@Nursing2029 that would be good, I'm not exactly used to this site just now, last time I used it was when my kids were babies. I'm using the app and I can't work out how to dm someone yet 😬
@Lochie662 great advice, I've literally just had a bath and left phone downstairs! It does work, I can probablyonky manage about 30 minutes at most at the moment.

I keep having these imaginary moments, conversations in my head. He comes back grovelling and I would say this and he would say that and I would be strong and tell him to go away. It's all in vain though as I don't think he would even text or call me, let alone grovel!

Id love a support group and am getting so much out of listening and sharing experiences here but I cant do whatsapp as I am still so paranoid about privacy now after him. Feeling raw today but out and about meeting a friend for tea. @Leahm1713119 isnt it mad when you find yourself telling someone who should care about you that you are a good person. Cognitive dissonance in action. In a healthy relationship thats a given, you would never find yourself wanting to convince them. I hated that I found myself doing that, and no empathy or compassion received anyway. No wonder its so destructive.
We are worth so much more.

@heartlikepaper yeah it's completely stupid, when ever I said I feel lonely or like I'm being held back from him, he would say my mindset is wrong and my expectations are too high.
All I wanted from a relation is time, effort and communication. Aren't they just basic things? He made it seem like all I wanted was him all to myself all the time, which wasn't the case, but yes I wanted more than to see him once a week! Are my expectations too high?
Sorry you feel you can't do a whatsapp group, I understand that.
Hope you are ok x

I would love to do a Wapp group but don't know how to DM. If someone can DM me that would be great :) I was thinking of suggesting the same this morning. Hope everyone is ok, I've been out today with the kids but now I've got that feeling in the pit of my stomach again. It's so draining. Missing him is so hard and the longer it goes on surely it's going to get worse before it gets better?

@wanttofeelsafe
Hi
I just sent my number on to @Leahm1713119.
You click on the three dots next to bookmark and click on DM in a post that the person wrote.
I am the same, I am exhausted.
I am annoyed as I don't know why i miss him.

Hope you are ok xx

@Lochie662
Thanks for the advice.
I am going to do that tonight.
I am constantly looking at my phone, it is so tiring.
How are you today?

I'm on my phone is that a different version of mumsnet?

@wanttofeelsafe
Hmm I am not sure. Do you have an app? I don't.

Ok I worked it out and have sent some DMs to see if it worked! If you send me back your details I'm happy to set it up xx

I still can't work out how to dm either, even tried on my laptop and still confused me

Leah I've sent you one now so go into your emails and click the notification

How are you all today? I'm pretty rubbish ,the thought of starting over is just awful
So sick of having to do it again and again.
Glad we have this thread..

I've just done the stupidest thing this morning. Thought I would have one last ditch at the closure, and have a phone conversation. Actually said to him,do you realise how much you've hurt me, laid it all out. And guess what? He objected to the WAY I said it, said he can't control how I feel and said I had to accept my part in causing it. I hung up.
These people are absolutely f#cked up.

@NativeAustralian

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad day. What is the biggest hurdle you have to face in starting again do you think?

I suppose for me it's just that I'm a bit more jaded. And I don't want to be, I've fought a lot in my life to be happy, I have done my dues with people who don't treat me well, this was supposed to be my time. Ah well. Nothing for it but to keep going.

Anger is focusing me momentarily but it comes and goes. My concentration has been shot the last 9/10 months, but it's finally starting to improve. I'm starting to understand things a bit better so that's something.

@NativeAustralian

What an absolute prick. I'm so sorry, you lay it all down like that and he just proves what you already knew. He has no empathy, at all. It must feel like it's set you back, but it hasn't. This is just part of your journey.

Have you spoken to him since?

@NativeAustralian

I watched a Richard Grannon video today.... About how narcissists communicate and it makes me think of your conversation this morning.

Most people communicate with what they want to say and then take whatever the response is that the respondent gives.

So say I said to you " the shops close in an hour if you need to get anything". Your response is then to say " I do need some stuff, thanks, I will go to the shops now"

That is an example of clear communication.

Narcissists don't work like that, they think of the response that they want and then they use the words that will get them that response. So say they want you to be angry they say "oh god, you're just going to piss off to the shops now because they close soon and your stuff is so much more important that me"... You react with an angry comment. And the narcissist gets his supply.

That's what your ex did today. He used communication in a backwards way. He chose a response he wanted and he picked a way to get that response.

It's a complete and utter head fuck. I'm sorry.

@Lochie662 it just beggars belief. I've not spoken to him since but I cannot get my head round it,no matter how many books I read or videos I watch. And i got told again..if I dont address MY issues,I'll never have another relationship! And I'd rung him just to be horrible and he didnt deserve it!!!

Now my biggest hurdle is thinking what the hell to do with my life! I've started over so many times,I feel like I'm in the worst place ever to do it again...

The thing is @NativeAustralian... He believes he's the victim in everything. You can beg and plead and lay down in the middle of a road with a lorry hurtling towards you and just ask for some human kindness, something , anything that you can recognise.

And what you will get is a fake innocent look and a barrage of abuse about why you're trying to make him feel bad.

I've been there so many times. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry to read how you are all going through this. I recognise so much of it but I'm coming out the other side after nearly seven years. I went back so many times but I finally had the strength to end it and haven't contacted him now for three weeks. The feeling of relief is enormous, and every time I feel sad because I've remembered a time he was lovely I make myself remember how he could treat me with complete contempt like I was nothing to him.

I just wanted to say I feel for all of you and I hope you can come through it and find some peace.

@Lochie662 yes you're right...as you always are! I'm not proud of doing this, but I said to him, you've left an absolute trail of destruction, not only me but others ( which I know is true as they've told me) He told me that i was making assumptions and theyd accepted and come to terms with it!!
He said if we went to counselling, finally I'd be able to see what hed been telling me...that my behaviour had been to blame.

Oh I could go on....but yes,I was looking for that one percent of decency,human empathy...
I guess every interaction like this is just proving theres no way back.
I just wish we could use our experience to help others, nobody else should have to go through this

@pippakins

I'm so glad you're coming out the other side. I'm seeing chunks of sunlight coming through when I thought it was impossible to get over it. We all have to keep going, our lives are so much more valuable than giving it to these people who don't love us.

We need a mantra, something to say to ourselves. Over and over.

@pippakins thanks for giving us hope! Yes I've been back many times too, it's like drug withdrawal isn't it.

@Lochie662
I've read your posts on this and another thread. You sound like such a fantastic person and I am glad you're seeing sunlight.

It's taken a long time and it's frightening when I look back and realise how much of my life this has taken up, but I was lucky to have amazing support from my friends and I think I have come through as a stronger person than I was before.

You mention a mantra - weirdly over the last few weeks I've taken to saying to myself "I need to heal" every time I start to think about it all. It seems to help me.

@NativeAustralian

You will get there! But yes, it was like an addiction and before I couldn't get through cold turkey but now I can!

You know in American programmes, they have this saying " this is psychology 101", referring to basic, common sense psychology.

With my ex whenever I was hurt or sad or struggling I would try to talk to him and I remember I kept thinking I couldn't be saying it right, I'd keep changing the way I said things to just get him to understand. I mean how could someone not get offer basic kindness to someone who is struggling.... He did before , during the lovebombing phase... It was so bloody confusing it drove me nuts.

I remember once when my son was three or four , I hurt myself and started crying in reaction, he came over and gave me a cuddle and said don't be sad mummy. ( He looked so concerned , it was gorgeous).

I'm like, if a three year old gets it ( I know he doesn't get it, get it. But he knew enough to be kind to someone who is upset. ). Then why cant a man in hid thirties get it.

And I have realised, he does get it. He always has. He enjoys fucking with me. Sick bastard. He's had his fun , I'm done and no more.

And he's the loser. He failed in "being human 101"