Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

[FieryChilli]

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

Keep your married name, it's just easier having dc, with schools dentist etc. Also It might upset them if you change name.

None of her business. You took take that name on when you married him, legally it is now yours.
Ignore her. If it's easier for you to have same name as dc, she needs to get over it.

I am the second wife and always understood why first wife would want to keep the same name as her child.

What I found odd was she just picked and chose when she used it. So on social media, work she went back to maiden name. But at school meetings and medical stuff she would be called Mrs Ketchup. They spilt long before my SS was enrolled in school so I found that really odd.

I don’t use the Mrs part ever because that would be weird, doesn’t stop people assuming I am a Mrs though which is really annoying.

Why is it weird to keep the same name as my ex? Please can you explain more why it is weird? I think you’ve had a bit of an echo chamber as most women still take a man’s name on marriage - and to challenge why you and other women would automatically take the man’s name without question and the subsequent consequences - is a taboo.

I don’t think you have to change it back - but I haven’t seen much honesty from you or the majority of posters as to why. I think it is hugely symbolic, and very meaningful of a continued ‘looking to’ the father in some way. Not in every case, but it’s there, underlying maybe and with other reasons such as children’s names too.

Why don’t we as women just admit that a bit more honestly?

I kept my name and my children have mine - and I can tell you it really, really unsettles people that I have done this. It’s like I might as well wave an ‘ardent feminism domineering wears the trousers’ flag. But it shouldn’t be. And as I’ve said before, my (now Ex) DH’s Ex absolutely loved making a big deal about having Exes surname - and was totally flummoxed about the fact that I didn’t give two hoots.

I’d send them a card on their wedding day signed “Mrs surname the 1st” 😁

My mum and dad are divorced. My mum still has kept her married name, and my step mother changed her surname to my dads surname ( well mine too).
My stepmother is not at all bothered about this and the subject never has come up!
From my experience, most divorced woman seem to keep their married name, unless they get re-married.
Seriously, your ex husbands wife should really mind her own business and not worry about your name. It’s your choice.
I was an adult when my mum and dad divorced so it’s not like my mum kept her surname for her children as we were grown up anyway.
You were married first to him so don’t feel obligated to name change.

I said exactly why I haven’t changed it in my first post but I’ve reflected on it more.

It’s nothing complicated and honestly this is it - because I’ve had this name for so long now it as what I am called. I do not tell people my name and think of it as an extension of a man’s or a condition of my marriage but very simply what I am now called. That’s it, nothing more. I wish I could tell you something more exciting but that really is it.

Iv kept my married name as it’s the same as my children. My bfs exw also kept her married name and I have no issue with it. In fact i quite like it for some reason, I have my reasons for not changing back and I’m sure she does also.
I also still use Mrs because I like it but it’s no one else’s business.
I wouldn’t ever change my name because someone else wanted me too. That’s ridiculous

Yes but a maiden name is still a mans name!!!! It has come from a man. Your father.
So saying I dont want a blokes name because I dont need exs name is neither here or there.
Names originally come from a man

I totally agree with you OP.
It is your name. Regardless. You dont need to explain
To anyone. It really can be that simple that you like your name so keep it.
Not that you have some hidden agenda towards your ex or his new partner. And you haven't changed it back because there is 'an excuse '.
I'm exactly the same.

Fuck it, lets change it to something completely different. But only to something that one of you lot come up with, I could do a competition and the most popular wins or something?!
But I refuse to be called boatyMcBoatface.

Forgot to add, maybe tell your ex husband to grow a pair and tell his wife or wife to be or whatever she is to butt out !
It sounds quite immature to be honest like she’s paranoid about you!

@Aerial2020

I totally agree with you OP. It is your name. Regardless. You dont need to explain To anyone. It really can be that simple that you like your name so keep it. Not that you have some hidden agenda towards your ex or his new partner. And you haven't changed it back because there is 'an excuse '. I'm exactly the same.

Thank you, I really don’t have a hidden agenda I actually wish them both happiness in their new marriage.

I know of a situation where

Ex wife kept married name.

New wife-to-be refused to take the 'married' name because ex wife still had it.

Bloke refused to marry new wife-to-be unless she took his name.

Result? Bloke changed his name to his mums maiden name, and new wife took that one.

Of course, I think it became such a big deal because they all worked for the same division of the same company

That's hilarious! What a palalva!

@Aerial2020

Yes but a maiden name is still a mans name!!!! It has come from a man. Your father. So saying I dont want a blokes name because I dont need exs name is neither here or there. Names originally come from a man

There is a clear difference though isn’t there. You didn’t have a choice as a baby.

You do have a choice as a grown woman getting married.

@Chuly

I know of a situation where

Ex wife kept married name.

New wife-to-be refused to take the 'married' name because ex wife still had it.

Bloke refused to marry new wife-to-be unless she took his name.

Result? Bloke changed his name to his mums maiden name, and new wife took that one.

Of course, I think it became such a big deal because they all worked for the same division of the same company

I kind of like that! At least there is some recognition of names not having to be from a man always.

I also still use Mrs because I like it but it’s no one else’s business. Your name is your identifier, and it is everyone’s business by default! Unless you live in a cave.

@IceCreamSummer20

I also still use Mrs because I like it but it’s no one else’s business. Your name is your identifier, and it is everyone’s business by default! Unless you live in a cave.

It’s “the public’s” business in the sense of needing to know a name to identify someone, it’s no ones business why they have that name.

I don't see much difference.
You dont have a choice as a baby but you can as a adult yes. So you can choose which mans name you have.
Still a man.

This whole argument of 'I don't want my exs name' because I'm having my own and if you keep your exs name there is a hidden agenda or excuse? Rubbish.

Maybe the OP just likes name and that's that.

So unless you make up a brand new name that's completely original then you've got it from some man.
Baby or adult.

And if the bloke changes to his partners mums maiden name where did she get it from?? A man.

My ex H had a girlfriend later fiancé
She took his name at this stage of the relationship and demanded I changed mine.

I chose a cool new name for me and the children, printed off the legal paperwork and gave them to him to sign.

He refused. I told him I didn't give a shit.

My name is my name. I work in education so I am always Mrs Chuffed. Why should hundreds of children have to remember a new name because of one crazy woman.

She's from the travelling community. I have no idea if it's a thing to take the name of your boyfriend