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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
Rainycloudyday · 17/07/2020 17:13

Tell her/them that it is out of the question that you will change your name to be different to your kids, so either your ex signs the paperwork to allow you to change the kids names as well, or they shut up about it.

As PPs have said, another excellent option is that he changes his name to hers but something tells me he won’t entertain that idea...

Good luck to him anyway, sounds like she’s going to be a nightmare to be married to!

As an aside I would personally change my name back if I divorced pre-kids but having a different name to my children is out of the question, hence why I would also never give them a partners name pre-marriage. So I wouldn’t dream of changing my name if I was you.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 17/07/2020 17:17

Hahahaha. She sounds like she’s going to be fun to deal with. I think you’re handling it perfectly and if she doesn’t like it, tough shit. That’s what you get when you marry someone who’s been married before

YesYesBoi · 17/07/2020 17:19

Put her name in Facebook with his surname and show her how many others have it and she isn't special cause of a name.
Her relationship is what's important

Secondly and this is the most important part: unless your exh is happy for you to change your name and the dc to a completely new one of your choice them tell them both to jog on.

Your connect to the children is more important, cause I guess if they have dc she wants the same name as her dc?

KetoIFWinnie · 17/07/2020 17:22

Yanbu

It doesnt suit you!

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 17:45

@ButteryPuffin

Love the way that for some people, still, men have total ownership of names, women only get to borrow them temporarily and must always have permission to do so. Also women's identity is defined by the name so it's very meaningful, right up to the point where they don't want to name change and then it's all 'why not? It's just a name, it doesn't define you, don't be like that about it'. Meanwhile men still get to throw a strop at the suggestion they could always change THEIR precious solid gold Name Till The End Of Time.
That is a very good point and I’ve never thought of it like that. As I am getting older I can see how patriarchal the whole culture of traditional weddings are. The woman given away by her father to another man is really quite odd.
OP posts:
Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 17:48

@Isthisnothing now that is very weird and controlling. How bizarre.

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 17/07/2020 17:54

Well, OP, you could agree to change it, and change it to Mrs The RealMrsFieryChilli or FaveWifeFieryChilli

What? I changed it like you asked.

That properly made me Grin

When ex was getting re-married he started harassing me to return my maiden name. I said "oh I will, don't worry".

"When?!"

"Oh in about 16 years time when dd turns 18 Smile".

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 17/07/2020 18:00

just idly wondering if the new wife was married and "gave up" her married name ?

I really like the idea of you claiming The First Mrs and for you to always refer to her as The Present Mrs

TicketToTheWrongFilm · 17/07/2020 18:10

Is everyone involved (ex, new wife, friend) happy with you keeping your first name OP, or do they think you should change that too? Wink

LannieDuck · 17/07/2020 18:11

If his fiance is so worried about you both being Mrs X, why doesn't he take her surname instead?

I bet he'd say he doesn't want to have a different surname to the kids... but that's just as valid for you.

GreenTulips · 17/07/2020 18:14

Please refer to her as Mrs X the second

At every opportunity

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 18:15

Interestingly she was previously married, now divorced and still has her married exh name.

OP posts:
Lovethyselfff · 17/07/2020 18:30

My ex dh’a other ex wife still uses his surname, can’t say I was bothered! Only reason I kept his surname was because :

  1. Same as my kids
  2. Cost of changing everything
  3. Mess of informing everyone
  4. I didn’t really like my maiden name
Aerial2020 · 17/07/2020 18:36

Er, you don't need to list why you don't want to change it.
It's your name and you don't want to. End of.
He doesn't own the name.
Tough shit to his new partner

IceCreamSummer20 · 17/07/2020 18:41

@IceCreamSummer20, you mentioned that you have stepchildren. Does your husband's ex still have his surname (assuming they were married)? Does this bother you? DHs Ex has kept his surname - and still carries a flame for him - and frequently rubs it in that she still has the surname - she sends cards to all DHs family ‘From the X surname family’. Once she saw me and DH out and we knew the singer of the band - he referred to me and DH as Mr and Mrs X - and wrote an email to me saying that it was really wrong of him to say that...

I couldn’t care less! Why? Because I didn’t take DH’s surname myself. I like my name - the one I had from birth. My child has my surname.

Alabamawhirly1 · 17/07/2020 18:43

Personally I think it's weird to keep your exs name.

You took his name as a mark of love and commitment, you no longer love him (apparently) and are not committed to him - so why keep the name. I would rather have my own name than a blokes, who at best I no longer love, at worst fucked me over.

Saying it's hassle to change just sounds like an excuse.

Janaih · 17/07/2020 18:45

Your friend is clearly on glue.

Whatthebloodyell · 17/07/2020 18:45

I think if you were still calling your self MRS whatever, it might be a bit odd. But then I hate MRS and have never used it despite being married for 15 years.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 17/07/2020 18:46

It's your name Op - don't change it unless you want to.

TwentyViginti · 17/07/2020 18:46

@FieryChilli

Interestingly she was previously married, now divorced and still has her married exh name.
One rule for her, another for you.......

I'm thinking it's because you and ex have an amicable relationship. She wants you out of the picture. Even though ex is marrying her, she's still insecure.

Aerial2020 · 17/07/2020 18:48

Well depends how you look at it.
Not every woman likes their maiden name. For various reasons.
Your maiden name is also not 'your' name-I presume it came from your father. So that is still from a man.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 17/07/2020 18:49

We were talking about something like this with SIL today. She has the same first name (spelt slightly differently) as her X'D'Hs new fiancee and so when they marry there'll be 2 of them ostensibly with the same name. SIL kept his surname as its the same as their DC and will not be changing when XDH marries.

Aerial2020 · 17/07/2020 18:49

That was replying to a poster who said it's an excuse

Chlo21223 · 17/07/2020 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 18:56

Why is it weird to keep the same name as my ex? Please can you explain more why it is weird?

This thread has made me realise through the wise words of many that I don’t need to justify to anyone the reasons for keeping MY name. The name that yes I received through marriage but also is now a part of my life and connects me to my dc.

OP posts: