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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:

XiCi · 15/07/2020 19:07

Ask him to leave OP tonight so you have some space to get your head together. Pack him an overnight bag, he can stay at his mums, a hotel, friends, anywhere to give you space to think.
His behaviour is absolutely disgusting by the way. What a vile, self absorbed little man. All me me me with no thought to the family he has fucked over. It's as if he wanted you to hold his hand while he sobbed over the other woman. Is there anyone you can get round to stay with you so you can talk. Maybe your mum or sister?

MiddleClassProblem · 15/07/2020 19:10

You deserve better than a life with someone who is in love with someone else.

I know you’re in shock and a life without him might seem terrifying. It’s fresh, let your feet touch the ground. But think about if a life with someone who is in love with someone else is what you want.

And don’t let him dictate how this plays out.

m0therofdragons · 15/07/2020 19:17

He’s told you he loves her but basically doesn’t wasn’t to lose his nice safe family unit. You’re worth more than than. You’ll spend a future wondering where he is and who he’s with. I’m all for fighting for a relationship but he’s had a year long affair and only told you because she dumped him and the poor baby was upset. He made his choice the first night he betrayed you.

InFiveMins · 15/07/2020 19:22

OP he is treating you terribly. He doesn't love you - if he did, he wouldn't have had the affair. SHE ended it with him, not the other way round - if she hadn't ended it, he'd still be with her.

I think you either leave him, or expect a miserable and bitter future where he is likely to cheat again.

MotherofTerriers · 15/07/2020 19:26

Please tell someone in real life who can support you OP. A relative or a friend. Maybe ask him to leave now so you can get your head clear

Opentooffers · 15/07/2020 19:28

I think you may be onto something with why he told you. I think he couldn't cope with the thought of being dumped because he is in love with her, also jealous of her husband for being chosen over him. He must of known that telling you would blow it all open, with the end result being either that she will be dumped, leaving the way free for him, or that at least her happy ever after with her DH would not occur.
Did he think "oh shit, people are beginning to find out, better cool it so I don't lose my family" as your 'friend' did? No, because he values her more than his family, whereas, she values her family more than him - mother's instinct, protect the family. Likely you have the same mother instinct kicking in. Your DH, however, is still in fantasy land where he gets to be with her.
I think the only fair option is for all parties to be fully informed, then everyone gets to decide what the future holds. Tell her DH, then see how it plays out.

SoulofanAggron · 15/07/2020 19:39

I can't work out if she was actually leaving my DH and letting him down gently, or just winding it down a bit with the intention of picking it up again.

@Clarrie59 I think that's clear from her 'I hope you'll be there to give me a hug and a kiss' comment. At the very least, that leaves her options open.

PP's are right- at this point you should be the one telling him what you want him to do and he should be agreeing. And shutting the fuck up about how happy she made him or whatever unless he wants you to tell him to fuck off (which you should anyway IMO.) He doesn't seem to be considering your feelings at all.

KickAssAngel · 15/07/2020 19:40

No matter what happens in the long term, it really sounds like you desperately need space from him. How can you even begin to process this if he's right in front of you, contradicting himself and using you like this?

Are you able to get a break, either by you going somewhere or him? Can he stay with family or friends for a couple of weeks so that you can begin to work through your feelings?

I just don't see how you can cope and start to navigate through this with the shit there's dumping on you. It would be hard to deal with a friend unloading this on you, but him? He's really being selfish and cruel in the extreme.

Wereeaglesdare · 15/07/2020 19:40

He's a piece of shit. I know you have assets together but that's what solicitors are for. Atleast get some legal advise and get things in place for when they inevitably sail off In to the sunset together. This isn't over and your DH is a selfish disgusting pig of a man he couldn't even spare your emotions he's such a selfish twat! He just blurted it out because he was hurt poor him. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you and this isn't over. Don't tell her you know tell her husband so he can get his finances in order and you do the same. Collect all your evidence. Your children don't need this terrible example of a man hanging round breaking your heart repeatedly. As hard as it is you need to stand up for yourself and them now and let them know this is not an acceptable way to treatsomeone or be treated.

He didn't come to you off his own back and bend over backwards to switch jobs and get counselling. He got caught out crying he sounds pathetic. You know your worth more than this. You will have your happy family and it doesn't include that idiot. Please don't keep hurting yourself playing second best to whoever takes his fancy next.

GreekOddess · 15/07/2020 19:41

I would tell the husband of the ow. She needs bringing down a peg or two. Why should your dh and ow hold all the cards? Fuck them over and see how they like it. They sound quite pathetic.

GreekOddess · 15/07/2020 19:41

I would tell the husband of the ow. She needs bringing down a peg or two. Why should your dh and ow hold all the cards? Fuck them over and see how they like it. They sound quite pathetic.

GreekOddess · 15/07/2020 19:41

I would tell the husband of the ow. She needs bringing down a peg or two. Why should your dh and ow hold all the cards? Fuck them over and see how they like it. They sound quite pathetic.

GreekOddess · 15/07/2020 19:42

I would tell the husband of the ow. She needs bringing down a peg or two. Why should your dh and ow hold all the cards? Fuck them over and see how they like it. They sound quite pathetic.

IndecentFeminist · 15/07/2020 19:56

She is his priority right now, he's made that very clear. You need to prioritise yourself.

fatgirlslimmer · 15/07/2020 19:56

Tell him to leave, he has already left your marriage. She makes him happy, he loves her, she has told him to back off because her family are suspicious. He is devastated to the point he tells you this is how he feels.

She wants kisses and cuddles so he knows or desperately hopes that it will start up again when the dust has settled. This is why he wants to see her and talk to her. This is why he doesn’t want you to message her because you will spoil it for him.

Your focus is on her, it should be on you. Message her that you know, tell him to leave and get yourself some space and time to grieve, think about what you want and how to move forward.

Krazynights34 · 15/07/2020 19:57

OP I’m sorry for you.
Don’t stress about assets and how the children will take it (usually they cope).
I’d just say be careful about letting him stay around- I’ve been in shock twice from men’s appalling behaviour and in retrospect what I needed was time alone and to act decisively quickly because otherwise they regained control, to my detriment

IndieTara · 15/07/2020 20:02

Op he's crying because she left him and using you as his crutch!
It's so wrong. Walk away from this self pitying piece of shit

AsCoolAsLangCleg · 15/07/2020 20:22

Short, sharp shock needed for both of them. Tell her husband and throw yours out.

YouokHun · 15/07/2020 20:29

Sorry if I seem spineless and weak. I'm really not. I'm just unsure what to do just yet

Someone IS spineless and weak but it sure isn’t you @Clarrie59. In fact, despite your obvious shock and awful upset you sound like you’ll be a force to reckon with. I suspect you’re about to surprise yourself, and you’re about to surprise him too (good).

Please please tell someone supportive as soon as you feel able. These two despicable, morally bankrupt shits have known about this for a long time and want to control the narrative and harness your shock to keep their secret for them, you’ve only just found out so no wonder you’re in shock, but I really think you need a couple of wise and loyal female friends to back you up and let you do whatever you need to do to galvanise yourself. I also really feel that these two deserve to have the control wrestled from them by making sure the OW’s DH knows, followed by others. You’re in charge though I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it right now. I’m just really sorry for anyone who gets a shock like this, I can’t claim to have experience of it myself but I’ve been the supportive friend so I’ve seen how very painful it is

Malbecqueen · 15/07/2020 20:31

"She's just going to rekindle it all if she feels like it isn't she?"

It's not about her. Your husband is not a weak victim who cannot be expected to control himself if a woman throws herself at him. Either he wants to make it work with you or he doesn't. Either you can trust him or you can't. That's for you to decide.

Leaving aside the fact that your husband seems to think that she should find another job, not him... I can't for the life of me see why you would care about whether her finding out that you know about the affair would be "better coming from him"... why on earth is he still protecting her?? To that end - why are you?

Why are you letting him control this all? Come to think of it, why is he still in contact with her?

Have some self-respect. He's betrayed you - not just a one off but an intimate relationship for a year that she ended, not your husband. Lay down some ground rules and find out whether he is actually going to put you first and try and make it work - otherwise get rid.

And btw - I'm sorry you're going through this - it must be grim x

carly2803 · 15/07/2020 20:36

OP i mean this kindly - hes walking all over you

this isnt over! He will shag her every opportunity.

tell her DH, kick him out

get a backbone and self respect- you are better than this!

he is a piece of shit and will keep cheating, and never stop until he keeps getting caught,then pause - then do it again etc

carly2803 · 15/07/2020 20:36

OP i mean this kindly - hes walking all over you

this isnt over! He will shag her every opportunity.

tell her DH, kick him out

get a backbone and self respect- you are better than this!

he is a piece of shit and will keep cheating, and never stop until he keeps getting caught,then pause - then do it again etc

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 15/07/2020 20:54

I'm not going to try and advise you. Just to say this sounds beyond awful, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

Take whatever time you need to do what is right for you.

And in the meantime, sending you a v non-MN hug and

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2020 20:56

I'm scared of being alone I suppose but not so much that I'd put up with anything

That's more positive than you'll be able to recognise at the moment; the trauma's very real and it'll take time to get over, but trust me that you will be able to do it

Hard as it is to know, his respect for you, his love and even any normal human consideration is nil - he's shown this by his total focus on his own boo-hooing and his determination to protect HER rather than the wife he's utterly betrayed

The only good news is that you don't need to do anything instantly. Knowing what you truly want to do will take time, but you do need to get him out of the house while you decide - because otherwise his cruel manipulation will continue and so will their star-crossed love affair

So focus on yourself now because you're what really matters ... and in the meantime tell both the OW and her DH and see what a good idea they think it all is then

AllsortsofAwkward · 15/07/2020 21:06

Life is too short to be second best op. Hes shown you who he is.

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