Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

This happened to a friend of mine. The way she handled it was to sit her husband down, give him the telephone and make him call the OW right there and then, and say that he had confessed everything to her. She then took the phone off him and told the OW to tell her husband before she did, and see how that feels.

My friend stayed with her husband and they worked it out.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry OP. When my XH had an affair my first instinct was to save the marriage too, which I will eternally regret. I wish I had tore him to strips and called the OW and her DH and let the world know how they had behaved, rather than just sort of mildly accept it.

I know that you are in shock, but you need to get angry fast. This man has so little regard for you that he hasn't even pretended to be remorseful. He's really twisted the knife with his whinging about how much he loves her and how happy she makes him. It's all about him, so much so that he's offloaded to you about his 'relationship' upset with absolutely no consideration for the fact that he's YOUR HUSBAND. Are you so unimportant to him that he's forgotten that he's not actually supposed to be shagging other people? He's treating you like some sort of unpaid relationship counsellor or a friend he's garnering sympathy from. I can't believe the gall of him.

He sounds so certain that you will roll over and accept what he's done on his say so. Isn't he worried about what you might do next? If I were you I wouldn't go straight to your mate/OW, i would go directly to her husband before she has the opportunity to do any damage limitation.

Oh my goodness! How cruel that you walked in on your husband so upset and the reason was that he’d been dumped! No wife should ever have to go through something so awful. You must be crushed to find out in such a heartless way.
I think you are right, he’s fallen in love (or at least infatuation) with somebody else. And it’s hard, but I’m not sure if you can come back from this.
At the very least I would be telling both her and her husband I know what’s been going on, there is no way I’d be letting them make a fool of me.
I wish you all the best op. He may have been a good/alright husband once, but he’s not anymore.

Jesus! Hopefully you'll find your anger soon and tell him to fuck off!

I probably sounded harsh in my earlier post. It wasn’t meant to sound like an attack, but rather to make you think how unfair he’s being and how practically impossible it will be to brush this under the carpet.

You’re not being weak, it’s the classic first response. I felt exactly the same when I found out my ex was having an affair, and I didn’t even have children. I felt numb, hurt, in shock. The anger comes after.

Never underestimate the physical effects of shock. You don't have to do anything immediately. However, if there is somewhere you can go to with the children, I think you should go there as soon as you can. You need some distance from this man and god forbid you should bump into her in the local shop.

Longer term I would definitely tell her husband. They've made fools out of both of you and you need to shed a light on the whole affair now.

Hope you’re ok OP.

He's treating you like you're his mate - the way he's confessing his feelings for her, and crying in front of you - it's utterly bizarre OP - has he always been like this with you, are you still emotionally attached and physically? it's really weird behaviour, he's openly pining for her in front of you.
If the other husband is a family friend OP, you really ought to tell him - you'd want to know wouldn't you, had he found this out first.

@Clarrie59

To be clear: he said to me (in tears) that she had asked to meet him and then started crying and said they have to end the affair because her family were getting suspicious, but she intended to still be his friend and work with him. He said they both cried together and said they loved each other. Then he said to me that his whole life is a stressful mess and her relationship with him was the only thing that made it all better and now she wasn't going to be doing that any more and he couldn't bear it (dealing with the stress with no happy relationship to keep him going). But that was when he was very upset. Now, in the cold light of day he's saying he doesn't want to lose our family and he wants to meet her and tell her he wants to end it too, and that I know and I don't want them to work together. Meanwhile I found the 'will you still hug and kiss me" email. Sorry to keep telling you this story. I'm very upset. I don't know what it all means. Did she leave him? Why were they both crying? What does he expect me to do with all this?

This is so disrespectful and entitled. I cannot believe you didnt throw him out after this. This is honestly appalling.

he wants to see her and tell her he thinks it's over too she has told him it is over. Why would he need to tell her it is over?!

Because it isnt over.

I vote for emailing her and her husband and throwing yours out.

He told me she made him feel happy every day

The novelty will soon wear off with that I can assure you, when real life and the daily grind kicks in.

You would be more lonely staying in this shit show than being in your own I think.

I also vote you tell the woman's husband, let's see how 'romantic' it all is when shit gets real.

Concequences....he needs them.

Sorry op but you should get them all together in a room blurt out the truth and let them get on with it you deserve better

I think what is most upsetting about this situation is your husband attitude. He has burdened you with this and you get to watch him grieving for a lost relationship of his. Saying things like she makes him happy everyday, WTF!!
It’s like he knows you’re not going to do anything about it and he’s going to keep you in the sidelines until he’s ready to decide what or who he wants. Wat if she decides she wants him? .... you get dumped?
I’m sorry OP but don’t be any mans second choice. You need to take charge of this situation and stop him stamping on you.
If she had the brass neck to send you photos of your husband while pretending she was your friend I’d be absolutely livid. I’d be on her doorstep. Don’t this this pair do this to you x

This is awful, what an arsehole. Agree with PP but just wanted to add, I’d tell the husband in person before the OW so she doesn’t have a chance to minimise it. And once you find your anger it will be such a relief, some activities to start with I recommend are toothbrush round the toilet bowl and scissors to his wardrobe. Good luck!

I can't believe that he is getting to call all of the shots after the way he's behaved! He should be grovelling, asking you what you want him to do to repair the marriage. If she was a family friend, why is it best that he tells her that you know? Surely he can see that you may want to have a conversation with her and have questions answered.

I'm very sorry that this has happened, OP.

I think he loves OW. He told me she made him happy everyday.

I think he screwed her in this house.

Of course you are in shock and disbelief. Your H has betrayed and demeaned you and the children by leading a double life with your family ‘friend.’ You will soon find your anger and that will propel you forward.

These two liars have made a mockery of you and still are. OW has clearly been his primary relationship for a year or more, and his current despicable behavior indicates that he is desperately hoping to reunite with her.

Your trying to figure out OW’s true agenda is futile, but if they plan to stay close, hug and kiss, then OW is hedging her bets, the affair is not really over, and they will likely fully reignite at some point.

Do not underreact here. Allowing this practiced manipulator to control your narrative would be foolish and unwise. He feels no remorse, loyalty or fidelity toward you. His agenda will only bring further trauma and destabilization. I would send him away for now as a consequence of his massive betrayal. You cannot process this in his toxic presence.

Shine a light on their corrosive secrets. Tell smug pretender-friend OW that you know and bring her H out of the dark by informing him, both asap.

Infidelity recovery requires No Contact. If you are going to stay with him, then he must cut all contact and change jobs. Of course, this would only work if he were truly remorseful and highly motivated to give up OW.

Personally, I would divorce this self-absorbed, untrustworthy man who felt entitled to pursue a deep emotional/physical connection with your family friend and have sex with her in your children’s home.

You need to tell her husband, how would you feel if he knew and kept it from you?

How did you sleep OP?

Imagine how peaceful and happy your life could be in one year. You have a new life with your DC, with the possibility of meeting someone who loves and respects you. Your husband is acting like the man with the gold plated cock right now, but it's just another sad midlife crisis and when you have your lovely new life and he's coming to pick the kids up for his contact with his bald patch and beer belly you will honestly marvel at what you ever saw in the spineless twat

@Clarrie59

He says he has finished with her Ordinarymum, and that he wants to stay with me, but he also says they can work together and be platonic friends from now on which I was dubious about until I saw the 'hug and kiss' email. She's just going to rekindle it all if she feels like it isn't she?

Even if what he's saying were true, the fact that he's not putting your feelings first in this shows just what a nob he is! He should be bending over backwards to regain your trust, should be looking for another job and should be promising never to speak to this woman again. He's gaslighting you. Sorry, but I think your marriage is over.

Hello I didn’t sleep well. I woke up thinking it wasn’t real!
I have asked DH to go to his mums.

The adrenaline will keep you going for a while OP.
I hope he is going quietly to give you some space.
Get out for a long walk today if you can.
I used to walk and walk and walk and cry and cry and cry.
Take some time for you.

Morning, Clarrie. I'm glad he's going to his mum's. You really need the space away from him.

Hi Clarrie. Try and tell a couple of friends or family about this. They won’t judge you and you really need people around you to lean on.

I hope he respects your wishes and goes to his mums

Thanks. I have to go to work now.