Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

@caramelbun

She wants him to still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it? Wow, she really thinks she has a husband AND a secret boyfriend who is wrapped around her little finger.

I would tell her I know OP. Reality is harsh. Fantasy over.

I am angry for you op, I feel like this could happen to anyone. This is not your fault, do what is best for you now.

Absolutely- this could happen to anyone and you've done nothing wrong here.

Message her and her DH- tell her the jig's up.

Op please don't fall for his crap

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, sounds like a horrible situation

Everything that @hellsbellsmelons said. We've been there.
Please, please call a trusted friend and tell them.
You WILL get through this x.

I think you need to tell her husband. He obviously has been suspicious, and she's been gaslighting him. He deserves to know that she actually was having an affair.

You need to find your anger OP! Pick up your phone and call her husband and tell him everything you know. That's all you have to do. This is all on them. How dare she say it doesn't matter as you wouldn't know!

The first thing you need to do is tell the OW's DH what has been going on. Your DH is manipulating you and the OW is probably doing the same to your DH to save her own arse.
Get it all out in the open. If your DH freaks out about it then you know he was hoping for things to carry on and you've lost nothing.
Don't let them treat you like this. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this is how a woman should be treated.

OP you need to speak to someone you trust and love in real life to help you sort of make this feel real. He's relying on you not doing that so he thinks it will be swept under the carpet. Is there a friend or relative you can talk to? Don't do this alone, your mental health matters just as much as anyone else's!

Do you have any real life support? Is there a friend or family member you can tell to support you a bit. You shouldn't have to face this alone.

You are obviously in shock and rightly so

He is currently mourning the loss of his OW, she has dumped him and he is mopping around.

He should be doing all he can to apologise and show you he loves you...if he indeed does

Greenkit he has told OP he loves OW. Hence his blubbering when OW dumped him.

Are you frightened of him OP or of being on your own?

I'm really not sure what you can't understand. He had an affair, he's in love with her and now he's dictating terms to you!!!!??

I can seriously imagine you sitting there holding his hand when he cried like a wet character from a mills and boon book. 😳

Good job I'm not married to it; its arse wouldn't have touched the floor and then some. Absolutely fucking pathetic.

You've spent the last year being taken for an absolute mug. I'll ask you again, what exactly are you frightened of?

I'm not frightened of anything. Well I'm scared of being alone I suppose but not so much that I'd put up with anything.
I didn't hold his hand when he was crying. I was horrified to be honest.

I think he loves OW. He told me she made him feel happy every day.

He's really spilling his guts isn't he? With no care for the effect on you, his actual wife. You seem to be in the role of counsellor to this lovesick twat.

@Clarrie59

I think he loves OW. He told me she made him feel happy every day.

Ah dear, sorry op! It sounds like he is smitten. It’s sad he can’t offer reassurance even in this moment. Not a good sign. Hope you have family and friends to support you during this hard time xxx

Of course your in shock, it’s natural.
What you can’t get your head round is
Is this for real 😳 did I hear right
He’s been having a physical relationship with our friend

The questions you will have going round your head right now will be unreal, you won’t be able to focus on anything else.
As said
You won’t be able to eat, sleep. Concentrate on anything other the “ questions going through your head” why, when,how

Please don’t go on questioning him about her
I know you will want to know things
But
Take it from one that literally asked every question possible

That old saying
“What you don’t know, won’t hurt you”
Because when you do know
That’s all that goes round and round your head. Driving you to despair
I honestly now wish I didn’t know, it would of not made me as bad as I was
To just know they had sex
Is enough !!!!
You don’t honestly need to know anymore honestly
If you do, it will hurt deeper

One thing I did do though was
I went round to there house, I don’t know how I managed it
I think it was, well if my life as devastated so will yours.

You need to put yourself first, look after yourself. Eat and drink when you can. Sleep when you can.
You come first remember

Please also (and don’t be embarrassed) tell someone in RL
It’s hard to cope with alone
Go to someone who will listen to you.
Mum,sister, friend or daughter if old enough.

Don’t hide behind what he’s done to you
Stay strong, we’re stronger than we think at times like this

When I caught my stbxh cheating I was in total shock which I believe you are.

I couldn’t think straight, I could hardly breathe. I couldn’t even string a sentence together. But I threw him out as I couldn’t bear to look at him or be in the same room as him and called a friend. I needed the space to cry my eyes out whilst someone (anyone but him) held my hand. To have a glass of wine to cry one minute, to laugh the next, to be angry, to be sad, to eat crap, to sit in my pyjamas and with no guilt from him (cheeky fuckers they are).

It’s taken the time to grieve what you thought you had. And I know it’s a cliche but it does get easier.

Please tell someone close to you and tell him to fuck off and let you start making your own decisions based on what you want whether that be contacting the husband or not.

We are all here for you

Why are you allowing him to dictate terms ? I’d bloody well be having a conversation with her, and her husband. He deceived you for so long, he’s not worth your time.

You don't sound weak or spineless at all. It's a huge huge thing to take in. After I found out about my ex's affair, I stayed with him, didn't tell anyone and he carried on his affair for 3 MONTHS! Crazy now I look back on it but I needed to be sure of the situation and reach rock bottom to be able to leave.

It WILL take time to detangle the whole situation and that's OK. Just do what you can for now.

It sounds like your H is so immersed in this situation that he actually thinks it's OK to lean on you emotionally but he absolutely can't and I'd let him know that in no uncertain terms. He can't lean on you and he can't dictate to you what to do. I'd also definitely tell her you know (or tell him to tell her) but leave telling her husband for now, that's on her to sort out and is drama you probably don't need for now.

Is there anywhere you can go with the children for a few days or at least someone in real life to talk to? I did tell my mum around 6 weeks after I found out about ex's affair and it helped massively to have her support.

I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he just moans "I don't even know where she is'.

He says she thought it was OK because I would never know.

Notice how he is trying to deflect everything away from himself and on to her. Why does it matter what her reason for the affair was? He chose to do it too. What is his reason? Does he want to be with her? Yes or no.

No-one is suggesting you need to instruct divorce lawyers tomorrow, you can take as long as you need to make a permanent decision about your future. But you really do need to confide in some friends, I think it will help you to move out of this shocked phase by making it seem actually real.

Holy moly.

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you.

I'd have wrecked him and be starting on her by now.

He needs to leave tonight to give you space to process and not whinge onto you about his lost love.

If you have a friend or relative who can come round, with wine, to sit and listen, ask them now.

Are your children at home?

For your own sanity please tell him to feck off. Sending you massive hugs xx

Gosh this is awful!

I would be telling the OWs DH. If my DH was having an affair I would want someone to do the same for me.

I wouldn't accept any of his whingeing about his broken heart (aww poor him) either. He needs to leave, at the very least temporarily.

OP I feel for you.
There has been some great advice above, and I'd echo finding someone in real life to talk to, before you do anything else.
You can tell your DH anything you like - you don't have to stick to it. tell him you are still deciding what to do, and who to tell.
He made you live a lie for a year.
Actions have consequences.
Sending you strength and best wishes.