Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

I haven't taken any directions, including all the ones on here. I haven't done anything except try and absorb what's happened.
Sorry if I seem spineless and weak. I'm really not. I'm just unsure what to do just yet.
I will tell her I know, especially if she messages me again. I'm not sure I can bear to tell her DH.
I can't work out if she was actually leaving my DH and letting him down gently, or just winding it down a bit with the intention of picking it up again. I'm not sure why that matters to me but I suppose I am trying to work out what's going on.
I can't believe they could do this.

This sounds like a win win situation...
... for your DH.

You have to tell her OP and you have to be brave and let her husband know too.

I know the wind has been knocked from your sails but you can't pretend nothing has happened here.

I am so sorry you have been treated so badly. Your husband is vile! A year long affair with a family friend and he felt sorry for himself that she dumped him and he spilled the beans to you his wife so you could feel sorry for him? So if she hadn't dumped him, they would still be having an affair! And she is also vile, a friend of yours, how dare she. From the email it sounds like she dumped him but still wants a few dalliance with your husband. Well they both have been having their cake and eating it too. Even after you finding out your husband is more concerned about the ow's feelings, she doesn't want her husband to find out she is a cheater and he wants to break the news that he also THINKS their affair is over and that you know, he wants to spare her feeling and doesn't appear to care much about your feelings or the impact this has had upon you, your children or the ow's husband and kids. Both your husband and ow are self centred to the core. Neither of them deserve you and how dare your husband expect you to keep his affair quiet. Your husband has not shown any remorse or respect to you. You and the ow's husband deserve so much better. Go get RL support from family and friends. I hope you come out of this stronger and happier.

I know it’s hard, I know because I’ve been where you are. I think you need to give yourself some space from your hubs- tell him he needs to leave so you can take time to think things through. Don’t ask any questions and don’t answer any of his, keep it simple. Once he’s gone , the grief and hurt and all the emotions will surface. Let it happen, but don’t let him see it. As for the ow , take your time with this, it could be that your hubs wants you to tell her husband everything- if that is his plan then that is the last thing you do. Take your time , think carefully about you confide in.. and try to eat.

Honestly op you are shouldering all this alone while those two ass hats are playing star crossed lovers.

I’d just text the dh “my husband and your wife have been having an affair for the last year, I only just found out myself and thought you deserved to know the truth as soon as possible too”

You might as well worst case your DH leaves you and they get together which is an option for them even if you say nothing but right now is a husband who like you was totally unaware of this with no control over their sexual health with no option to leave the person lying to them everyday because they don’t know. You and the husband deserve to be able to make your own futures whatever they may be but you can’t do that carrying this secret and he can’t do that when he doesn’t know.

OP you say you have recently found out . How recent ? You seem to be in deep shock which suggests it was within the last couple of days . Please don’t listen to those who call you a doormat ; it’s your life, your marriage . Having said that , you need to take control of this situation .
How old are your children ? Can you confide in your Mum/ sister / close friend ?

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been exactly where you are. Our children were best friends.
You are quite clearly in utter shock right now so just try and get through as best you can without having making big decisions.
I comforted my sobbing husband in the sofa he'd fucked her on in our house. I could punch MYSELF in the face for that.
You'll be OK. You'll get through it. I promise x

You don’t seem spineless and weak. There is a lot of stake here, your own well-being as well as your kids. It’s good to think instead of acting on impulse.

Whatever you do just do it on your terms. Your dignity comes first. This could happen to any of us.

Are you scared that he will leave you and she will leave her husband and they will end up together? Have you asked him if that is what he wants in an ideal scenario or to just keep having the affair? Not easy questions to ask! Good luck.

Echo confiding in family and friends. And tell her husband.

You talk about her leaving your husband and him seeking comfort from you because he was upset at this. Be selfish - screw their feelings. Take some time to reflect on what you want to know from him and what you want for the future.

You do know she wasn't leaving your husband because he is living with you. She was the extra one in the relationship, they were presumably just sleeping together so she was finishing him - not leaving him. She could leave her husband for him but I don't see it as them leaving each other - that just seems like a description of something more serious.

You're a much better person than me - I'd ring her and tell her you know about it and where to go!! I'd also tell her bloody husband who has every right to know!!

And go to chumplady. com. It'll help.

You are not a door mat, get all the facts, take time to find out if you want to stay or go and make plans. Your world has been ripped apart, there is no right way to act. You just need to do what is best for you and your kids. You will get through this.

I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he just moans "I don't even know where she is'. I also asked him what he would do if she turned up on the doorstep and he said "I would probably ask her to leave". And he got angry when I questioned his use of the word 'probably'. He seems almost angry with her now.
To be honest, it's unbearably painful.
I don't understand why they would do all this if they don't want to be together. He says she thought it was OK because I would never know.
Also NeedHelp101 I think he screwed her in this house.
It seems so unfair to have all this crap landed on you.
Also, I'm his wife not his sexual/emotional support person.

You sound in shock right now.

Get some real life support, do you have friends or a family member you can confide in and lean on for support?

Also you are fixating far too much on her.

Your H is crying over this woman and wailing about having nothing good in his life because his sordid affair dumped him?

Find your anger.

Definitely be angry with her and make sure your family knows about her, but your anger should be aimed full force at your dickhead H. How dare he wail and weep at you his wife; the woman who he made vows to, the mother of his children that the woman he was fucking has dumped him.

Kick him out tell him you need space to think. Make him face up to what he is losing. Call family and get support and think about what you want to do, how do you want this mess to be resolved? You can't go back to the happy family with the lovely H who doesn't fuck the family friend. You need to think about you and your children and what you want now.

Also I would tell her husband too. Poor sod needs to know his wife is screwing around so he can make an informed decision about his life too.

I think her husband deserves to know too.
You sound very calm OP. I guess we all imagine we'd go nuts in this situation but you dont know until it happens.
I think I'd kick him out if it were me.
I hope you're ok whatever you decide to do.

He can say that safe in the knowledge that she's dumped him and isn't going to turn up on the doorstep.

Oh I'm really not at all calm. I feel shell shocked.

Exactly op! You’re his wife, you’re not there to support him through his fucking breakup. He should be apologising to you and thinking of ways to repair the marriage.

Why is he so sure he can fall back on your marriage after behaving like this?

You are right, this is unfair. What he has done to you is shitty. Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

Kick him out tell him you need space to think. Make him face up to what he is losing. Call family and get support and think about what you want to do, how do you want this mess to be resolved? You can't go back to the happy family with the lovely H who doesn't fuck the family friend. You need to think about you and your children and what you want now.

This.

His behaviour since you found out is perhaps even more offensive than him cheating!

He is insufferably self involved and you are enabling that by being passive in the decision making around this.

At least tell him you need a few days / a week to think about this and that he's had her AND you to confide in play the victim to for over a year, so you will be telling a friend / family member what's happened to get some support for YOU while you think about what to do.

None of us can tell you what to do but my god please, please, please leave this man. He's that awful combination of horrible and pathetic.

I'm getting the second ick just hearing about him! Could you really live with him happily again? Sleep with him again? Laugh and joke with him knowing what he's done?

He'll do puppy dog eyes and feign sadness you've asked him to leave but he will be sad about leaving the house and potentially being outed, not about your emotional well-being.

You need time and space away from him to be able to see him for what he is - someone not worth you losing your self respect for.

You won't have broken up the family, he will. And that term doesn't matter because your children will still have a family, their parents just won't live together. It's perfectly possibly to be healthy coparents instead of remaining in a deeply unhealthy relationship.

It's clear from your posts that he is the decision maker in the relationship and dictates not just what you do but how you should feel / are allowed to feel. That's awful and it isn't love. And it isn't something you should want to model to your children, who are learning from you what a relationship looks like.

Ask him to leave so you can have space.
Call a friend and tell them what's happened, talk it through.

Then hopefully you'll have the epiphany that he's an icky wanker who doesn't deserve you.

Absolutely OP.
It is, excruciating, agonising, heart ripping, proper and real physical pain.
It will affect your health and your mental health so please know that.
You won't sleep. You won't eat. Your head will spin round and round. Your heart will feel like someone has reached their hand into your chest, ripped your heart out, thrown it on the floor and shattered into a million pieces. And then just for the fun, trample on it as well. Leaving you with a gaping, bleeding whole in the middle of your body.
Your stomach will be knots. Headaches. Neck ache. Backache. Pain in your legs from being so restless.
It's horrendous.
None of us can make this bit any better.
But know we are here and have a wealth of knowledge and advise for you.
And... we are all here to tell the tale and all healthy (well mostly) and we are out the other side living better lives.
You WILL get through it.
Eventually!!

OP it sounds like your relationship is such that you want/need your dh more than he does you. The brass neck he has in unfolding this situation. - he knows you will do anything to keep your family together. He actually sat there crying over her giving a damn over what he has done. They ended it because her family was getting suspicious.
He clearly has you where he wants you. Sorry you are going through this.

@Clarrie59 this is a devastating double-whammy for you and a double treachery. Not only has your H betrayed you but so has a family friend who was close enough to you that she stayed in your sister's holiday home and buys you presents at Christmas.

It's an incredible amount to absorb and it's no wonder that you're struggling. The only people you need to look after in this situation are yourselves and your DCs. No-one else. And only you get to decide what you do and who you communicate with. And remember you can take your time over deciding what to do.

Just bear in mind that your H and this 'friend' did not care a toss about you or her H when they were shagging each other so please don't let your H or the OW manage the communications and control the narrative here. And don't carry their secret for them. She's someone who thinks it's okay to shag a friend's spouse - for a whole year - if that friend never finds out, and your H presumably feels the same. This wasn't a drunken one off. All that lying and cheating for a whole year. Those are pretty shitty morals right there. This is no reflection on you.

What would make you most comfortable right now? Do you have family/friends in real life whom you can confide in? Would you prefer your H to leave the family home for a bit? You may be concerned about driving them into each other's arms if you tell the OW's H and/or if you ask your H to leave the family home. Only you can tell whether you're ready for that outcome now or whether you want to sit with this information for a while before you take any action. It sounds like you are still - unsurprisingly - in shock and probably do want to take some time before you take any action. So keep posting here for support if it helps and also try and get some support in real life.

Just remember - you and your DCs are the only ones who count now. Just look after you and them. Don't worry about what works for your H and your OW. They've thrown this bomb into your family life and they must take the consequences.

I know this has to be resolved, but we have been together for 20 years and we have children and all kinds of shared assets. I can't even begin to think about untangling it all at the moment.
I can't see past the hurt of it all. I keep getting flashbacks of him crying and saying she'd dumped him. I was thinking 'what? her? no not her she and her DH are our friends. Why would she do that?'
And 'what does he mean 'dumped' how can he be dumped by someone he's my husband.
I was properly shocked. I think that's why I can't think straight.