Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

No no no Clarrie, it's not YOU who's "made him unhappy" - that selfish disgusting cheating cunt knows full well you've done nothing wrong but is changing history to make himself feel better about what vile things he and that equally vile human did to you and by extension your children. Selfish prick, only thinking of himself. You mentioned earlier, very eloquently, something along the lines of you were painting the family, working, keeping house etc - so of course the stupid prick would think that thing he was after was "sunny" - you were exactly right when you said she and he weren't having to live together etc so of course she's appear all kind and sunny. So so many men who do this are very, very selfish individuals to start with and cannot fathom kids and keeping a family ticking over takes "attention" away from them. Their precious male egos start to wither when they don't get all the sparkly attention 100% of the time. And lo, new woman comes along, praising him like he's some precious prince, and bam, like the stupid immature wanker he is only sees the shiny words. He's shown you what he is now - a cheating, vile, sneaky, sly, nasty nasty man, and now he's lashing out at you because he KNOWS that that's what he is but is trying to destroy you too. Don't listen to him op .

The anger and injustice of it all is really hard to swallow sometimes, isn't it? That feeling of: I just want to smash your face in you complete bastard. Sometimes I'd be so angry I'd have to shut myself in the bathroom and have a good cry then give myself a stern talking to in the mirror.

I really feel for you. You're right to put him out on his ear. He's behaved appallingly and is now trying to blame you for all his woes.

and and for you. It does get better, but it takes a long time to reset after something like this.

It's not you it's him. And if I were you I would not be able to stop myself pointing out how the OW's actions make it clear she really doesn't want him. That she had a choice and chose her dp. And she really does not give a shit about your dh, or you. So, how is he going to manage to blame you for that? And the fact her husband seems to not be that bothered implies she has done this before. Refuse to engage with him outside of the dc. Just blank and walk away when he starts his pathetic attempts at self justification. Tell him you are taking a leaf out of OW's book and have decided he is not worth the effort of talking to him. That because a woman so kind and cheerful as her clearly despises him she must have a point. You will get through this, you will find peace and happiness - and ultimately he will get what he deserves. Stay strong

Thank you all for the replies. @AmandaHoldensLips yes the anger I feel sometimes stuns me. I feel like I want to rip his face off. Unfortunately we are now at the stage where he gets angry if I mention OW or affair. He says it’s over with her and I should be getting over it by now and maybe I need to see a doctor (?!). Sometimes I can’t believe this has really happened and I’m going through it.

"He says it’s over with her and I should be getting over it by now and maybe I need to see a doctor (?!). Sometimes I can’t believe this has really happened and I’m going through it."

It's not surprising you can't believe this has really happened because your H is having a consistently sociopathic response. I'm guessing he wouldn't have been so blasé about it if you had done what he did. But it may be a sign that he's beginning to have a hunch of just how much he's lost, having smashed your marriage to pieces and ripped out your heart and trampled all over your love for him. He sounds like a relentless arsehole.

I think it's time to go NC. His bile is affecting you and you are actually being abused now. The things he is saying are absolutely beyond the pale. He had a long affair which only ended when she dumped him and I think he's rewritten history to say that if it wasn't for you they would have run off into the sunset together. So he's angry he's lost her and his children and wants you to simply vanish.

Just do everything through a solicitor and third party. No more chats. Time to freeze him out for as long as it takes for him to be respectful. And get a good solicitor and screw him. He deserves it.

He's a fucking piece of work isn't he? Telling you it's your fault he shagged a friend, that he has been so unhappy all these years and felt so ignored while you worked and took care of the kids and home that he felt compelled to stick his penis into another woman at your home, in your bed and of course he had to lie to you while he was cheating because the other woman said it would be ok as long as you didn't know. And now she wants nothing to with him, he was obviously her bit on the side, what's the betting she's done this before?

So he has been used and discarded like an old sock by his mistress and has destroyed his marriage in the process, he's lost it all and now he's looking for someone to blame because he is a lying, cheating fuckwit who isn't even man enough to take responsibility for his own mistakes. And on top of that he is trying to tell you that you should be over it and if not you must need to see a doctor, FFS. What a Prince among men. I want to beat the crap out of him on your behalf Op, he is despicable.

Please try not to talk to him about anything unless it's to do with the DC and even then by text. Lawyer up and be prepared to play hardball, this vile specimen of manhood is not going quietly and will play dirty, his comments to you so far prove this.

The thing is, it has to be our fault (mine rewrote 12 years too) because if it isnt our fault then its theirs. And they are fucking miserable when it all goes south, so they need someone to blame.

No person who ever wrecked their life, family, ex, happiness etc will admit it was all their own fault. They have to create a narrative where they had NO CHOICE but to cheat.

I found that saying "You know thats not true, but if it helps you sleep at night....." with a shrug, stopped him trying to stick it on me. They know, deep down, you did nothing wrong and thats why they are so angry with us. They want us back when they realise they have fucked up, and we wont have them.

@PyongyangKipperbang great advice, put it back on him.

Another here seconding @PyongyangKipperbang's advice - that's a brilliant thing to say:

"You know that's not true, but if it helps you sleep at night....." with a shrug..."

Brilliant.

Op your H has convinced himself that he is right and his version of events/history is correct.
Frustrating though it is for you don't waste your time and energy trying to argue with him or convince him otherwise.
(I used to work in the Court Service and it was astounding the amount of people who I came across who would, similarly, convince themselves that their version of events was a true version. even though there was factual evidence that proved otherwise, even though they were eventually proved wrong there would be a complete reluctance to accept it)

Men will always rewrite history. A friend of mine put her hubby through Uni to pursue his degree, he had affair, left her for the other woman and told my friend (his wife) that he only got married because he thought that would prove (to himself) if he loved her or not. Having got married to her, he realised he didn’t love her.
So he walked away from his wife, his two special needs children, and pursued another woman, another baby, and a funded PHD. So he couldn’t/wasn’t required to pay maintenance for that time. By the time he starts his career, his children will be 22.
Don’t look back, you deserve better. Of you do reconcile, make him beg

@Suzi888 that's a terrible story. I feel angry on your friend's behalf - what a vile man.
DH now saying our marriage over because of my reaction to his affair. Because I will obviously never get over it even though he's been trying to make things better between us (!). I asked what he would do now and he said 'Oh I'll probably travel eventually or move to another part of the country." It's so hurtful. What about us?! I can't believe he would just leave us. He doesn't want to give me 50% of all he has as he says he's earned it all over the years and I have a good job and money of my own.

OP - please can you tell me where your H is staying so I can come and punch him in the face!?!?

But why do you listen to this shit from him? It’s such utter bollocks. He actually seems to have temporarily gone a bit mad. He’s not ready to be angry with his AP who’s nestled herself back into the bosom of her family. And he doesn’t have the decency to be angry with himself. So he’s lashing out at you and, by extension, your children. I suspect he will eventually come to regret having so thoroughly shat on his family but he’s in the grip of some kind of heart-broken madness right now which has made him determined to smash up everything you shared.

Are you getting some decent RL support?

What did he expect?! For you to say, oh well never mind. An affair is something I’d never be able to forgive, as the trust would be gone. A lot of people would feel the same. Is he that dense, that he can’t understand that...
He just wants to hurt you as much as possible and shift the blame away from himself. He knows it’s over. He stayed with you unhappily for 12 years, what a load of rubbish!
You need to see a solicitor, see where you stand. I hope you summons the strength to move on. You deserve so much better than this pig of a man.

I can’t stand thinking I made someone so unhappy they would do this to me.

You don't have to make a self obsessed wanker unhappy for him to do something uncaring.

There's nothing wrong with your response. He's getting defensive because he knows he's in the wrong, and also trying to turn it all around on you which is a classic arsehole's move.

My god, what a dickhead!! Another voice added to the choir that you're doing the right thing and no matter how he tries to rewrite history youre not wrong!

OP he sounds utterly vile 🌺

I guess I am upset that he thinks he can just move away and have a nice life. I know I can't control what he does or what happens to him. It just seems so unfair. He should be having a sh** time!

He should be having a sh** time!

We all go through shit times sooner or later, so eventually you'll get to watch it happen.

@Clarrie59, please don’t forget that all of this awfulness happened because of HIS issues. Here’s a very simple quote I read about this: “ Hurt people hurt people.” Just let that sink in.
His issues led him to choose the ‘high’ of an affair to make him feel better about himself. To enable him to avoid dealing with whatever was gnawing away at him from the inside. A distraction and a drug. To avoid the horrible feelings inside himself. Not because of anything lacking in you, anything you did or didn’t do. He did it to fill a void in himself.
His current behaviour is more of the same: avoidance of being forced to see the horrible truth about himself. He can avoid the awful feelings of guilt and shame by putting them on you. Blaming you excuses him from any responsibility for doing what he did in his eyes. Now, by avoiding the truth and blaming you, he’s not forced to see that he’s the perpetrator of betrayal and pain to his wife and family any more, he’s a victim. It’s no longer his fault. Avoidance of the uncomfortable truth achieved. As soon as he feels emotions he can’t deal with, he avoids them at all costs. The first time he used an affair to feel good and avoid uncomfortable thoughts about himself and difficult emotions. He invested his affair partner with magical soul saving properties and vilified you so he could stay the victim. Now that he’s in danger of being consumed with shame, guilt or any responsibility for the shitshow he’s caused and for your pain, he’s terrified and avoids it all by blaming you. That is all this is.
It’s so evident in his ridiculous plans to travel or move away. Literal avoidance of the crap he’s caused! Don’t think for a moment that he’s running off to Fantasy Island for a fabulous new life. When he packs his bags, as well as his clothes, he’ll be paying huge excess baggage fees for the shedloads of suitcases full of his personal issues which will follow him wherever he goes. It’s his responsibility to deal with the crap he’s caused and to deal with his own shit. It’s not your responsibility to listen to a word of his projecting bullshit whilst wondering if any of it is true. It isn’t. His crap, his choices, his dysfunction. Not you. Not yours. The guilt and shame will follow him forever and this pattern will repeat and repeat unless he deals with the things that are wrong with him. If you were Mother Teresa he’d be still be blaming you for it. Sadly, he’ll be scratching his head in the future as to why his relationships turn to shit. No doubt as soon as he wonders if it’s anything to do with him, he’ll blame it on the next poor woman he uses as a crutch to make him feel better about himself.
Stay strong. Remember you did nothing wrong. Remember you were only ever responsible for 50% of your marriage and 0% of the affair. He could have talked to you about his feelings. He should have talked to you about his feelings. He chose to have an affair instead. 100% his responsibility and his choice. Don’t listen to his re-writing of the history of your relationship and his re-imagining of you. They are the psychological devices used by a weak damaged man to avoid having to look at the truth about himself and nothing to do with you. Nothing. Sending love X

It's easier for him to try and blame you for his infidelity, rather than accept responsibility especially on realising that the OW had essentially thrown him under a bus and that he didn't mean to her, what she meant to him.

He fell in love and your H was a distraction and ego boost for her.

He doesn't want you to keep bringing up the affair because it makes him look bad....and I'd like to say he feels guilty, but from what you've said I doubt it.

He should try and maintain a relationship with the kids though.

OP you just have to hang in there. He will get worse and will say anything to blame someone else.

I kicked out an EX who basically went around telling everyone that he didn't do anything wrong.
I spent a year of my life being so bitter that nobody believed my side of the story. It was soul destroying. He was 'poor me' to everybody.

Then one day I realised it just didn't matter.
I knew the truth and decided I didn't care what other people thought.
It took a while to get there but once I did, it was like a cloud lifting.
I could get on with being happy then.
It's a process and you will get through it

I think if I could feel confident that I can be OK without a partner I will feel better. I don’t know why I feel so scared of a future alone. I was brought up by a single mother (a widow) and she was fine although she did remarry (not very happily) when I left home.
If he had died, or left me I could cope better. It’s just this horrible no-mans land of emotions that’s so hard to deal with. I feel so hurt and angry and at the same time so weak and pathetic - wondering what to do. Am I damaging our lives if I don’t reconcile with him. It’s like he’s done this horrible thing but I have the burden of deciding what to do for the best .
Sorry I’m just rambling. And it’s mean to want a nasty future for him! I should just think - oh well go off and find yourself then and leave us in peace, knowing as @Thewookiemustgo so wisely says he can’t escape his own character.
many years ago before we married, he had an affair and left me (we had been together for about 5 years). He begged me to go back with him and said he’d had a breakdown because his father had died. This time he blames the affair on a breakdown caused by overwork and lack of love from me. Any questioning from me results in anger and stonewalling and ‘why aren’t you over this? I’ve answered your questions’.
I guess if his lady love had run off with him he’d be doing it to her eventually.
Thank you for helping me. You are all very kind.

Sorry that was an essay.