Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 29/08/2020 20:08

Brazen brass necked cow.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 01/09/2020 00:39

@WizardOfAus DH moved to rented flat. His mother v cross about OW etc. Said he was a fool and wants us to reconcile for sake of children. She said to me he’s sorry and can I forgive him and OW an aberration.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 01/09/2020 01:09

I've just read the full thread Clarrie, this is just awful.
I couldn't forgive what he has done, the trust would be gone now.

It's the aftermath and that he has seemingly used you as a counsellor and a shoulder to cry on, that's the unforgivable bit for me.

Happynow001 · 01/09/2020 01:26

[quote Clarrie59]@WizardOfAus DH moved to rented flat. His mother v cross about OW etc. Said he was a fool and wants us to reconcile for sake of children. She said to me he’s sorry and can I forgive him and OW an aberration.[/quote]

She said to me he’s sorry and can I forgive him and OW an aberration.
What?! An aberration?

Either she's totally misunderstanding the whole situation because she doesn't have all the facts or she's minimising on purpose and/or he's been whispering in her ear. Whichever - whether she's very cross with her son or not she really doesn't have the right to ask you this. 🌹

bigvig · 01/09/2020 06:58

Hi Clarrie I've been following this for a while and want to say how wonderfully you've handled everything. You come across as really strong and dignified. I would tell MIL that the affair lasted more than a year so was no aberration. That DP wanted to make it work with OW and is only asking to be given another chance because OW has left him. Ask her would she give him another chance in these circumstances. I doubt he has told her the full facts and is probably pretending it was a drunken one night stand.

blanchmange50 · 01/09/2020 10:25

His mother wants you to forgive him and get back together for the sake of the DC? Really- surely she wants her grandkids to be in a loving home with parents who care and love each other. Does she realise it can be very damaging for DC living with two parents who arent happy?

hustler2020 · 01/09/2020 11:18

tell her yourself take control your husband lost the right to tell you what is best when he f*ed her

Dery · 01/09/2020 18:38

" She said to me he’s sorry and can I forgive him and OW an aberration.
What?! An aberration?

Either she's totally misunderstanding the whole situation because she doesn't have all the facts or she's minimising on purpose and/or he's been whispering in her ear. Whichever - whether she's very cross with her son or not she really doesn't have the right to ask you this."

^This. An aberration would be a drunken one night stand. That's not what happened here.

Anyway, your children do not need you to remain together in order to be happy. They just need you to co-parent sensibly with your H and there's every indication you would do that. One of the most functional families I know is one where the parents split when the children were still quite young and have concentrated on amicable co-parenting.

Your children will be fine. And while they are important, you have rights in this situation also. Only you can know and it is probably too soon for you to judge but given the nature and extent of your H's betrayal (an extended love affair with your friend which took place in your own home), I would have thought the personal cost to you of continuing to share a marriage and a home with your H would be too high to be sustainable.

HazelBite · 01/09/2020 18:59

I think you need to explain to your MIL that you have been very badly betrayed and if OW hadn't finished it as far as you are aware it would still be going on.
Also why would you want to be reconciled with someone who has behaved like a love sick teenager!

Weenurse · 02/09/2020 09:01

Don’t talk to MIL.
How goes the legal advice?

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 06/09/2020 22:14

@Weenurse the legal situation is complicated and I suspect will take some time.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 07/09/2020 08:44

How are you?

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 11/09/2020 13:14

I am not in a good place thanks @Weenurse
I can’t keep calm all the time about this and some days I see DH and I’m literally shaking with rage. He’s rewritten all the history. I’m now the person who caused him to stray. She was just the kind woman who fell in love with him.
I’m just Trying to look after the children through all this. just want to wail ‘it’s so unfair’ and lie in bed all day with the duvet over my head.
So - all s* really.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 11/09/2020 14:58

A crazy situation, and I would not believe a word of what either of them say. The other woman sounds like a troublesome pest. And your Husband is a 0/10 weak man.

Upstartcrones · 11/09/2020 15:05

Well he would say that wouldn't he.

He would never say I'm lying cheating idiot who is entirely responsible for my own actions.

Cut off anyone passing this rubbish on to you and if he says it to you then say I'm not interested anymore and physically walk away.

Dery · 11/09/2020 17:23

Dear OP - your H is an absolute piece of work. Christ, it really pisses me off how many unfaithful people seem unwilling to take responsibility for their own infidelity. It's so cowardly. My dad had numerous affairs and in the end my parents' marriage broke down but he didn't blame my mum for it.

Your H being such a shit is making things harder for you now. But in the long run it will make things easier - ultimately you will be able to move on more quickly and start living your best life that much sooner. What RL support do you have? It's still such early days. Do you have friends and family you can talk to?

And can you avoid seeing DH? So you don't have to put up with his scummy explanations. Just discuss the children with him and nothing else. Divorce communications can go through your lawyers, I would have thought.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 13/09/2020 04:49

Apparently I made DH unhappy for 12 years or more, he was convinced I was having an affair with the kind man who lives over the road (!!!), I was always at work and had no time for DH, and I ignored everything he was trying so hard to do for me. OW was someone who was prepared to love him and be his support. Oh and also apparently everyone is scared of me as I can have a nasty tongue. Oh yes - I am also “a sick paranoid cow”. Nice.
All this because I tried to have a discussion with him about the future.
People who have been through this - how can I recover? I can’t stand thinking I made someone so unhappy they would do this to me.

OP posts:
DJ1501 · 13/09/2020 05:46

@clarrie59 I've been following your post from the start as I recently found out my husband also had an affair. And do you know something nearly word for word that is exactly what I was told.. I didn't prioritise him, I worked too hard, I didn't agree with him all the time blah blah blah. It's a horrible place to be to have someone place the blame squarely on your shoulders 😡 but he's just trying to alleviate his own guilt. He's trying to make himself feel better and justify his shitty actions, and his ap is probably feeding his fantasy because they are horrible selfish people trying to make themselves feel better for the destruction they have caused. I know it's hard but don't for one second blame yourself. It's a dark dark place to be. It's so unbelievably difficult to have your heartbroken in such a nasty way and then for them to rip apart your character and rewrite history it's a complete mindfuck. Stay strong hold your head high and breathe Biscuit

cheerup · 13/09/2020 07:07

@Clarrie59 my cheating ex said exactly the same to me, that it was my fault he had felt the need to look elsewhere for comfort. Do not accept it. Its a poor excuse from weak men who are incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions and, if what they say about their own feelings is true, expressing themselves honestly.

Newwayofthinking · 13/09/2020 08:22

Fuck me he is a piece of work isn't he.

He strayed, he fucked her, he betrayed you.

He does not get the right to project this back on you.

Shut him down everytime he tries

Bool · 13/09/2020 09:04

@Clarrie59 have read all your posts. You sound like a lovely woman who has been utterly betrayed by two of the people closest to her. You are coping extraordinarily well. Do not let him project his shortcomings onto you. Or at least let them bounce off you. Head up. Move on. You will be so much happier and so will your children in the long run. And they will see a mother who has self respect. It is invaluable for your children to see that.

Suzi888 · 13/09/2020 09:09

She needs to leave the firm and all contact to be cut, if you want the marriage to work.

Does she know that you know?! - and a DH of her own.“ Throughout all this she's been contacting me for example she sent me a photo of my DH at work and captioned it 'home soon after a long day' “ wow well that would be the last thing she ever did! Have you confronted her face to face?
Does her husband know?
Does the firm know?
I’d be telling the lot of them! Keeping screenshots and emailing the Directors!
I’d also be throwing ‘DH’ out! Angry

Mix56 · 13/09/2020 09:11

how can I recover?
As PPs have said, he is now trying to put you down & make you responsible for his cliché. if he was so unhappy for 12 years, he could have mentioned it before don't you think? & why, now, does he think he won't be unhappy any more if he gets to come home ? His mother apparently isn't scared of you & say you have a nasty tongue !!!
Can you not see the contradiction in his shpeel ?
Where was he while you were working so hard, & taking care of the DC, feeling lonely & unsupported ?
He is only throwing this back in your face, as he is now homeless & family less, & is throwing his toys out of the pram, now that he has literally thrown everything else out !
I think you should tell him that he can shove his narrative, pompous Prick

Feelingfree · 13/09/2020 09:30

@Clarrie59 I’ve been in your shoes. @Cheerup is spot on, they are weak men projecting blame onto us.

You will recover and be happier but it will take time. Lean on your friends, mine were a godsend. I also saw a life coach/counsellor who helped me rebuild my trashed confidence and also helped me see my marriage for what it was.

It’s hard keeping up appearances for the sake of your children. I had a good cry on the way home from work in the car and then composed myself before I got home. You need to let it out otherwise you become a pressure cooker inside.

Looking forward you now have the chance to build the life you want. It’s better you know now he’s a loser than waste any more years with him. Just focus on one day at a time and allow yourself time to grieve.

Life will get better I promise and you will emerge a stronger and happier person. You are not alone, keep posting on here, so many of us can support you.

IheartJKR · 13/09/2020 09:33

Op - your dh has made a colossal fool of himself.
He has been disloyal to you, your marriage and your home at the bequest of a women who will not even give him the time of day now.
He has been taken for a ride and all that the ow promised him was a lie. He tried to make her leave or get thrown out by her dh that’s why he exposed her at work....it didn’t work though did it? Ow has stayed with her family and instead your h has exposed himself as a weak willed, pathetic, disloyal, cheater who has been dumped by his family and his ow.

This is why he’s angry. This is why he’s rewriting history , to try and claw back some semblance of control and to pull back up his ego.
Your dh has done you a favour op. You’ll realise this in a few years when you wonder wtf you were ever doing with him.
You’ve got a chance to move on and have a better life. Take it, you deserve it Flowers