Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

I’m not saying this is your fault in any way. He made his choices. I was just with needing if he has a history of being cruel to you and the children? He sounds like a complete narcissist so I’m guessing he’s been hurtful before.

@thefourgp he was never cruel to the children at all or to me really. A bit dismissive if I ever complained about being ill. A bit selfish about always being tired. He often prioritised his work.
He is a quiet man and often seems a bit moody but in fact we rarely argued.
I think he just fell in love with her and fell out of love with me. She gave him a lot of attention and flattery which I wasn’t doing. She was with him every day at work in an adult environment. They could both present the best of themselves to each other. Now I look back I see the things I missed. For example he started silently rejecting everything I offered - he had an allergy and I bought him antihistamines and he wouldn’t take them, he started eating a lot of scrambled egg (diet) and I bought a non stick pan which he wouldn’t use. He stopped paying me compliments or doing anything kind like giving me a lift to the hospital. He started complaining about the food I cooked (he didn’t want potatoes or big helpings). He started making weirdly hurtful comments. He mentioned her a lot - got a new hobby, liked a certain film etc. Somehow I missed all this I just got super nervous around him.
It’s all a terrible mess. He’s ruined his family. She on the other hand is living it up on social media in the bosom of her family.

@Clarrie59 - I have been wondering how you're doing as have many other posters, I'm sure. Your assessment of what happened sounds very likely - he wasn't going through the daily grind with her, he was doing the fun adult stuff. As a PP said at one point - if he'd been married to her, he would probably have been trying to have an affair with you.

It's pretty galling to see her apparently having a great time having helped smash your family to bits. I'm deeply galled on your behalf! But how much can you believe what's on social media, really? She must know deep down that she's a treacherous bitch and probably isn't feeling that good about herself really.

Are you looking after yourself and getting the support you need IRL to help you through this?

@Clarrie59 I also came to see how you were getting on. He was monstrifying you, rejecting you, whilst placing her on a higher and higher pedestal. Bastard.

Thank u for wondering about me. I’m ok well I’m not but I will be in time. My friends have rallied round. Funnily enough I seem to have more people who care about me and kids than dh!
I can see that it’s easy to put a false front on social media and I wish I could stop looking at her posts. It’s salt to the wound but also irresistible.
And hurtful that people seem to not care what she and dh done. She still hasn’t contacted him even once. Just gone back to her family life!
I think it will take years to get over this but I guess I’ve started so I can tick some months off. At least we’ll manage financially I think. It will be tighter but ok.

I totally get that, it's easy to get a bit obsessed. One day you won't think of her every day. Or you'll realise "oh, I haven't thought about that for a while" (even if it's just a few hours). It takes ages though. I'm still recovering. It's a trauma, and I know you probably feel the unfairness that your heart is broken and she is just having a normal summer with her family, but you know what, her DH might be burying his head in the sand for now, but those cracks will show eventually.

I have seen picture perfect blissfully happy Facebook postings from people who were utterly miserable and wanted to make a point.

It may well be that she resents you or your husband for spilling the beans to her DH. And the one thing that keeps them together in their misery is ‚showing you‘ that you can‘t destroy their marriage. Who knows, maybe she even convinced her DH that your husband stalked her and told you a ‚lie‘ about some inexistent relationship, to blow her marriage up, because he couldn‘t have her...

I‘m pretty sure sooner or later karma will catch up with her. Just ignore her.

@Thewookiemustgo and everyone else who has been so kind to me. Thank you. It has helped me.
I’ve started to feel numb now which is a change from the awful searing anger and grief.
I’ve told him I want a divorce although he’s now saying he doesn’t want our family to break up. Fat chance.
I asked him how they started their affair and he said ‘I realised we had feelings for each other and I asked her what was going on and she said she didn’t know but she couldn’t stop thinking about me’. He said she always told him how great he was and always supported him at work. She told him she didn’t like her husband.
Nice. As both were married with children.
What a bloody fool (my husband).
Her DH is apparently just saying nothing about it and acting as if nothing happened - and so is she (we have mutual friends who have seen them). In fact they had a party to celebrate their long marriage and invited loads of people with a loved-up invitation thing. I’m afraid I did tell DH about that!
I never want another man. I am never going through this again.

@Clarrie59 you’re welcome, when you know the kind of pain this causes (if you’ve never been through it you have no idea) you can’t help but reach out to people who have been a victim of it. Please feel free to pm me any time you like, sometimes it’s easier to vent to a stranger or bend their ears when you feel like your friends or family have heard it all a million times! I’ll reply.
The numb feeling is your body protecting you from any more pain. The pain wears you out and eats at you until you can’t feel any more. I felt hollow, like a shell of myself with all the old me from before scooped out. I could barely remember how I felt before the bomb dropped. That woman had gone forever. The good news: You can fill the shell back up again, you really can. Just take care of yourself and your children and let your friends and family help you. I wish you all the best and I promise you that you will get through this, his choices are no reflection on you whatsoever and the life you deserve is truly out there. Lots of love XX

Have been following from the start @Clarrie59. You’ve handled this with such strength and grace.

You should hold a divorce party and send OW a cute invitation to that!

Your H doesn't understand that HE is no longer in charge or in control in what happens now.

And as for the OW and her H they can 'celebrate' their 'happy' marriage when all their friends know it's a sham. And it will only get harder for her H to pretend everything is OK as you move forward with your with divorce.

Good luck for your future.

I always think that when the twat leaves the house, doesn't it make you wonder if they are doing what they say they are, but once I'd been cheated on, there would be no going back, I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my marriage always wondering what they were up to.... what a way to live the rest of your life.... so good on you OP for asking for a divorce, get rid of the pathetic excuse of a man.

Bizarre

he doesn’t want our family to break up
but he still hasn't said sorry, he hasn't had any regrets, he is still moping about her rejection. Me Me Me
So now HE doesn't want your family to break up ? It is already broken.
unfortunately he unbelievably stupid, "& in the words of forrest gump, Stupid is as stupid does" no point in explaining, tell him to fuck off, he No longer has the luxury of deciding.

So what if he doesn’t want the family to break up.
He lost the right to get what he wanted when he stuck his dick into her.

Your husband has broken your family so it’s irrelevant what he wants. As for her and her H - the party with the loved-up invites is pretty puke-making but I think the truth is they will still be putting a brave face on when you’re out the other side and living your best life. You know what - OP - I’d rather be you than her. You sound great.

How embarrassing that they threw a ‘happy marriage’ party. I bet all the guests only went for the goss.

@Berthatydfil

So what if he doesn’t want the family to break up. He lost the right to get what he wanted when he stuck his dick into her.

Yes that's about it.

In a nutshell ...

How are you, OP?

@WizardOfAus I’m ok thanks. Just numb really. Just getting on with my life. Having money talks with DH now. He’s feeling awful he’s split up family. Doesn’t feel as bad as we do though. Have told kids that he wanted to be with someone else and who it was. He was upset about that but it’s the truth. Apparently OW told him he was a lovely special man and the love of her life. He wrote to her after she dumped him and told her she was a coward for leaving him and selfish and had driven him to a mental breakdown. She never answered his letter. God! The more I find out about it the more astounded I am that he could do this and confess it to me. What a fool!

What did he actually envision? It's baffling. Are your children OK? I hope going back to school even in the strange times we're living in gives them a slightly more 'normal' feeling. I'm sure you've already done it but it might be worth speaking to school if they need a bit of extra support.

Much love to you @Clarrie59.

I think it’s good you’ve explained the position in those terms to your children. It needn’t prevent him having a relationship with them going forward. But I think it’s appropriate for them to understand that sometimes a parent behaves in a way that means the relationship between the parents can’t continue even though each parent remains committed to the relationship with the children.

It is awful for you right now and I hope you’re getting as much real life support as you can to help you through this really difficult time. Although the OW has returned to her marriage, it’s unlikely that the relationship with her husband has not been damaged and I think the truth is that they will still be wrestling with all the suffering and mistrust caused by the affair when you are through and out the other side.

I hope you are ok op. You sound like the only sane one in the whole story apart from the kids of course.

The OW has obviously gone to great lengths to project an image. In reality she has done massive damage to her marriage and she will be treading carefully for years and years if she gives a shit about staying together. I would not want to be her.

Oh and I’ve since discovered that the neighbours saw OW. More than once. He told them she was a colleague from work who was ‘helping him on a project’. Apparently she was very friendly to them. She even Mentioned me - said she was admiring my garden. Then I expect she scurried inside to give him a bj on my sofa. It’s the double betrayal. I try hard not to think about it but every now and then I’m stunned all over again that someone who was my friend could do this to me - and someone who I thought was my best friend (dh) could invite her to do it.

Oh @Clarrie59. It sounds like you’re coming through it, though? The shock is starting to wear off and you’re getting on with the practical stuff now. Good on you for that.
Is your STBXH still Staying at his parents house? Have they said anything about the situation?