Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

And yeah she's be very worried about anything from you posted on social media.

@Clarrie59 Im sorry I should have added my disclaimer that I could of course be totally wrong - I meant to. Of course you do what you have to, but Im also saying you do what you need to for YOU. As in you deserve better.

I know you have self respect, you have been very dignified about all of this & very measured even though you must be feeling shattered.

You are of course right to make no sudden moves right now. Talk to the solicitor (hopefully a SHL) & get everything wrapped up properly. Agree with the PP saying he would hide some - cheating & lying about money are the same kind of thing.

Hes a real shit though. Someone (a man) once said to me 'Pay no attention to what they say look only at what they do. Really hard advice to follow but 1 million percent correct. His actions are cold, really awful.

Im still boggled by why he thought it was ok to tell you all of this TBH. Im guessing perhaps he wants you to leave/be the bad guy? Very confusing for you. Its a common trick, be so awful she has to split up with you. And hes 'lost' the woman hes 'in love' with which means hes very unhappy - but theres only you to take it out on.

But divorce equals him doing child care & splitting assets. All the wealthy men I know would rather walk on hot coals than 'give away half of 'their' assets. So he doesnt want that even though he doesnt want you.

Anyway hard as this is you will get through it, with the help of a good solicitor (the not disadvantaging the children comment!?), minimal contact once this is done & you will meet someone decent - impossible as it sounds right now.

And he can stick his 'happy, & jolly' up his arse.

And he can stick his 'happy, & jolly' up his arse.

Thanks for this. It actually made me laugh which hasn't happened for a while!

Oh and I asked DH why he is 'confiding ' in me. He said it's because he wants to be honest (ha ha) and that he thought that I would understand.

How can a person be so wrong?!!

I have thrown the towels and sheets away, and disinfected the shower in the bathroom she apparently preferred. I wish clearing my head was as easy.

Paint the rooms this weekend! do it a completely different colour so that it looks really different. Move the furniture as well. Think feng shui banishing evil spirits

@Clarrie59 Thinking of you. I 100% agree with the PPs. I know how you are feeling, it's bloody awful, gut wrenching heart breakingly awful, but a new mattress if you can.

that he thought that I would understand.
Uhuh, I see ... so if you don't let him turn the handle on the thumbscrews further, then you are a horrible non-understanding type of a person?

Wait, he even told you which bathroom she "preferred"?
Fucking hell, that's so so nasty

I'm amazed at his lack of self awareness. For that alone Clarrie he needs to be binned.

I couldn't be with someone so stupid. Really it's just ridiculous. Perhaps it's early onset dementia?

Btw of course it's not. But you should totally tell him it might be. Look concerned. Say you are worried about him and that inapprpropriate sharing and a lack of empathy are signs

SMUG BASTARD.

I've just read the whole thread! I cannot believe what I've read! I'm staggered. What a horrible, self indulgent, selfish, pathetic little man he is. Jeeezzz..... He honestly comes across as absolutely delusional. He expects to cry on your shoulder about her breaking up with him?? Telling you every, appalling detail of their relationship for the sake of being honest?? Criticising and blaming you for his sordid little affair??

He should be on his knees begging for your forgiveness and be willing to do WHATEVER needs to happen to get the marriage back on track (if that's what you want).

I'm sorry to say that I think you're right, I think he probably is in love with her. He's certainly not making you his priority! I'm angry on your behalf, OP.

All the wealthy men I know would rather walk on hot coals than give away half of 'their' assets. So he doesnt want that even though he doesnt want you

Yes, and that's why - when his head clears - I guarantee his preferred option will be to move back in with OP

And then to be more careful with the next one, so she doesn't find out

Tell him you are choosing new bed, any other furnishings, bed linen, having rooms painted, etc, and he is paying for it.

He is in the dog house like nobody ever was.

Whether you keep him or not will be your choice. What he's done is a sadly common thing. He probably wants it all to calm down and to come home. You may v well not want him now. Any way forwards should start with counselling I think.

I hope your kids are ok and you too 💐

It's such a horrid shock, I know. It's like the world has gone mad. But in time you will process it. He was taken out of his boring/bored/grumpy self. She was Mrs Perfect just taking what she wanted. Yes her smugness and getting away without public shaming is vvvvvv annoying. He cuts a sorry figure.

Their deception and selfishness is breathtaking and he sounds a wreck and not fit to be in charge of anyone's happiness. He's really expecting love and understanding from you like from his mum. 😬 X

Just to clarify : DH didn’t willingly tell me which bathroom she preferred. It was an answer to “did she wash her a*e in my f**ing shower?” Yes I am officially a shrieking fishwife.
It kind of felt important to know exactly what she had touched/used in my house (apart from DH of course she obvs touched/used him).
I still can’t get over how they could shag each other in my bedroom. You’d think my clothes etc would have killed the passion.

Clarrie - is he back in the house now?

No he’s still at his mother’s

Ok that’s good. Well done for standing your ground.

I’m sure at some point he’ll want to move back. Unless Happy Housewife comes back to him.
It’s difficult because the children love him and want us to be together of course.

It's so shocking Clarrie, isn't it?

I never found out whether my Ex did it in my bed (he promises not, but why would he be honest?) I changed all my bedding etc and there are still blue towels that she might have touched which aren't allowed in my room - they are only kept for mucky jobs like wiping up stinky crap on the floor!

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but seems like you are doing brilliantly.... hang on in there.

Yeah I get it, must be really hard. How old are the kids?

@Clarrie59

I’m sure at some point he’ll want to move back. Unless Happy Housewife comes back to him. It’s difficult because the children love him and want us to be together of course.

Your same children will one day grow up and move out of your house leaving you on your own or with him if he is still around . You are an individual as well as a Mother . Is this what you want your children to grow up with ? That this kind of behaviour is acceptable ?

He 'thought you'd understand'!!
Bloody hell! He really doesn't see you as a person does he? Just a supporting character in the Movie of Him! The fact he is assuming you will be supportive and understanding while he feels sad about his breakup with OW massively contradicts what he says about you not being attentive and caring in the relationship before the affair.

When does he have to go back into work, do most people there know now? Is he still feeling quite so cavalier about all his workmates knowing?

@Clarrie59

It’s difficult because the children love him and want us to be together of course.
Of course children usually want to maintain the status quo with their parents being happy, living and together.

They do, however, get used to a new way of living if both parents remain civilised and can compromise as co-parents, living separately, where the care, routines, needs and feelings of the children are concerned. (Sorry OP I can't see if you've said the ages of your children).

A long-drawn out and emotionally charged separation is good for none of you.