Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

She might be a sunny, jolly, cheerful person, but she’s also a lying, cheating home wrecker, so...

Take him to the cleaners, the cunt.

Foe... 😁

OP this could happen to any of us. It is not your fault at all. Even if you were like the OW 100% he would still have done it. The affair was a distortion, all the exciting bits of a new relationship with all the gritty mundane reality cut out. Your H can’t see it yet. I bet the OW knew the score though, that would explain her desperation to keep it a secret and now damage control.

Also- I’ve known a few “sunny, jolly” women in my time. Sometimes it’s natural, sometimes it’s an act. Either way it’s an aspect of a full and complex person. But I’ve noticed some men are blinded by it, and they think “she’s happy no matter what!” even when it’s clearly not the case. Maybe that’s what happened here. The OW is evidently quite callous and calculating and your H overlooked that even though it was right in his face!

Completely agree caramelbun. I am very happy and jolly at work, people comment on how I'm always happy etc etc and it causes quite a few men to say that they bet I'm fabulous to go out with, as I'm always happy...

I usually tell them that it's an act for work, that I go home and snarl and kick the cat and smash plates (I don't). But it is astonishing how many people seem to think that I'm like it ALL THE TIME, and how attractive it seemingly makes me. How the hell they believe that I really could be like that always, I have no bloody idea. But it does seem to give them the illusion that I have no bills to worry about or illnesses to fret over or anything that may intrude on my seemingly perfect life...

His honesty is the best policy is actually he no longer cares enough about you to hide his disgraceful behaviour.

He's going to crash to earth with a big jolt soon now he's so obviously been dumped.

He's doing the very selfish thing of dumping it all on you and claiming in a wide-eyed manner that he is just being honest. Pull up the drawbridge and protect yourself from this crap. He is not entitled to any of your time or to occupy your headspace.

Take control of what you can control and fuck him. Setup an appointment with your friend's solicitor. Get yourself a counsellor so you can process the anger. Start getting paperwork together. Setup access schedule somewhere else. Get this creature away from home as much as possible.

What a vile piece of work he is. Get rid as soon as you can

Agree with all of the above.

Grey rock the fuck out of his narcissistic arse. He doesn't get to talk to you about anything but the children.

You're doing brilliantly but I know how hard it is and what it takes out of you x

Oh, and I once wrenched my shoulder punching my mattress imagining it was his/her face . I like the Brighton Pier screaming suggestion!

I used to do weight training, and punching forward with weights whilst imagining that his face was on the other side of them, was very therapeutic.

Plus also gained biceps to die for.

This is nothing to do with you op. If he was married to her he probably would want to have an affair with you. People can be"sunny" with those they don't have to pick up after and deal with their crap. He's got a grass is greener complex, sadly now he knows it's just as brown and dry. Hey ho. X

He broke your marriage vows, he has shown absolute disrespect for you. Rise the bar, get some standards and kick his arse to the curb.

@Clarrie59

It seems he’s decided honest is the best policy nowadays (!). So if I ask him about his affair he tells me. Basically the story is that he was feeling down, neglected, put upon etc and she was feeling unappreciated by husband, annoying husband etc. And DH and OW really good friends anyway (again !) and so naturally they just took comfort from each other. Thing is she is such a sunny, jolly, lovely woman blah blah blah that of course another human would be drawn to her. I asked if he didn’t question her innate goodness when she agreed to do the dirty on me and her husband and he just says sadly “we both behaved very badly”. Superhuman effort not to tear his face off. I really don’t know where to put this anger.

It’s like he’s purposely trying to be hurtful. I’m not sure what value there is for you in hearing this stuff. I’m not sure I’d want to hear anymore about it. He’s living in cloud cucu land .

Clarrie - How are things today? I hope dickhead husband hasn’t wormed his way back into the family house and you are able to have some breathing space

@thebeachismyhappyplace2 thank you for asking. Things not so good with me. I feel very sad and angry and can’t sleep. Got to choose the right thing. I won’t let my children be disadvantaged any more than they need to.

It's sadly inevitable that you are in turmoil. The whole core of your family life has been proven to be a lie. You need time to adapt.
try and remember that there is no point agonizing over things you cannot change, Analyzing ad infinitum is not going to give you peace of mind,
Sleep will come when you accept that this is the new reality, Take one day at a time. Everyday is a day moving ahead with your DC to your new place of peace. He will fade into the past.

Oh dear. Thats sounds like code for not going to split 'the family home' up because its inconvenient for him. Unbelievably hes betrayed you, with a friend (which means significant voicing of unhappiness about you to her), shifted the blame to you, but wants you there to help pay bills & look after the house.

Where are you in this as a woman? Do you even exist as a person to him? Or to yourself? Or are you just there as a Mumbot making sure everyone else is ok & then when the kids are 'old enough' youll split, when its probably too late to meet anyone. For you that is, he will have no problem.

Meanwhile 10 years of going around & around in your head about what they said about you (bound to be appalling if she blocked you so fast) & what he said to you. Maybe if you find an exceptional counsellor you could work through this if both willing. Ick though. Just Ick.

@Vodkacranberryplease not code for anything. I don’t know what I’m doing yet but I just want to protect my children. DH is a wealthy man he doesn’t need me to help pay the bills. I’m taking legal advice. I don’t know what he said to OW about me. There’s not a lot to complain of imo. I imagine she blocked me fast so I couldn’t spill the beans and ruin her ‘reputation’. Who knows!

Also please don’t think I have absolutely no self respect. I do respect myself. I just feel crap because I’ve been crapped on I guess.

Nothing to add OP, just supporting. Keep on keeping on

I just feel crap because I’ve been crapped on I guess

And rightly so; few get over a bombshell like this, or even make permanent decisions, instantly. The shock is appalling and it takes time to process, but FWIW your instincts sound spot on so far

Just one small point ... unless it was an inheritance or lottery win I don't suppose he became wealthy through failing to plan, so do be aware he'll be taking his own advice and that it won't prioritise you.
His utter disdain for your views and needs is already apparent, along with his expectation that he'll get exactly what he wants, so I'd suggest that legal advice you're taking will be crucial (especially if, god forbid, he's self employed)

There is absolutely no need to make snap decisions. In fact, it's best not to when your head is completely fried.

And you don't need to do anything to please Mumsnet. Just do what you have to to look after yourself and the children.

I'm glad you're getting legal advice. Have you thought about getting support from a counsellor? It might help you to get through the worst of it and ensure you have a place where you can vent and be heard.
Sending you a big hug and

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I just feel crap because I’ve been crapped on I guess

And rightly so; few get over a bombshell like this, or even make permanent decisions, instantly. The shock is appalling and it takes time to process, but FWIW your instincts sound spot on so far

Just one small point ... unless it was an inheritance or lottery win I don't suppose he became wealthy through failing to plan, so do be aware he'll be taking his own advice and that it won't prioritise you.
His utter disdain for your views and needs is already apparent, along with his expectation that he'll get exactly what he wants, so I'd suggest that legal advice you're taking will be crucial (especially if, god forbid, he's self employed)

Actually this is an important point from @Puzzledandpissedoff. He has shown how duplicitous and self-serving he is so I wonder if he'd have any conscience in secreting his finances from any legal scrutiny, with any future financial settlement in mind if that's the path you decide to take. He has, after all, shown no conscience in his betrayal of you as a person and in his marriage with you. If you do have access to his financials, it might be useful to have proof of those for when you talk to your lawyer.

Keep strong OP - you need to protect yourself now. 🌹

DH is a wealthy man

Well he was before he lost half of it right .

I imagine she blocked me fast so I couldn’t spill the beans and ruin her ‘reputation’. Who knows

She just been caught shagging someone else's husband, a friend/acquaintance at that, on an ongoing basis for months .... I doubt she feels in a position to communicate with you and defend/explain her actions .. because she can't!!

She would naturally expect deserved anger, criticism (understatement) and questions from you and she doesn't want to deal with it so she's done the equivalent of running away.

She also probably doesn't want her DH overhearing inconvenient stuff.