Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

The children are 9 and 12

@Beefcurtains79 he is going back to office a couple of days a week atm. Everyone who works with him knows now I think. He’s no longer ok with that. Think/hope he feels ashamed and stupid.

Welcome to the Shrieking Fishwife Club, an organisation of which I am probably a founder member. Much shrieking was done twenty-odd years ago and I also scored a spectacular own goal by hurling a bowl of Heinz tomato soup at him (I had just painted the kitchen white).

DC might well prefer DPs to stay together, but they will not enjoy the atmosphere in a house where DM is resentful and can neither forgive nor forget, or where DF is still feeling sorry for himself, especially if he lays his emotional burdens upon DC as he has with you. Sadly your husband has chosen to destroy once and for all the happy family life that you all once enjoyed.

You seem lke a lovely woman, and deserve better.

@TheTeaCosyofDoom well said! Very true too!

The onus is on your STBexH to move forward in a manner that puts the children first. You can coparent effectively apart and if he says otherwise he is being a selfish prick.

He's got money he can get another place. He's humiliated himself and you, there's no going back from this.

Regardless of what your husband wants, he has treated you like a piece of shit. If you accept him back then your children will grow up thinking that they can be treated like this or do this to others. It's more important that your children live peacefully, happily and respectfully. They will adapt!

It’s difficult because the children love him and want us to be together of course

Perfectly natural, but I wonder how they'd cope with a long-term traumatised mum and an atmosphere of (fully justified) poisonous mistrust?

Painful as separation and divorce are, there are worse ways ...

What a piece of lying cheating shit he is. To me he would be dead. That's not love and as for his fuck buddy, don't give her of her pathetic DH any more headspace.

Do what you need to do and move on with your live. He is not worth anything now.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

It’s difficult because the children love him and want us to be together of course

Perfectly natural, but I wonder how they'd cope with a long-term traumatised mum and an atmosphere of (fully justified) poisonous mistrust?

Painful as separation and divorce are, there are worse ways ...

This 👍

Thank u for all ur replies. I appreciate it.
Spent the weekend at my friends house but now I’m home I just feel terrible.
It’s all flooding over me again. So angry and upset that they have done this to us. How am I going to go forward without my little family? I never thought I’d be facing life alone.
Oh well.

Clarrie59
You will get through this and out the other side.

Someone as special as you will not be alone forever. You just have to get through the crap of the next few months and get a chance to breathe. Trust me, the future will open up for you

There is no way this man is going to steal your future. What he's said and done is extremely hurtful but you will recover.

Chances are over the coming months you will start to remember little things he did and said that haven't made you happy. That were little signs all was not well. And you'll realise that fundamentally there were problems and you can do better.

You don't go from hero to zero this quickly and completely without being a bit of a prick to start with. This isnt something a decent principled man does.

Co parent with him and in that spare time start building a life you want

@Vodkacranberryplease is absolutely correct. Behaviour as bad as this doesn't come out of nowhere.
The children have you and you have them. As Chumplady says, "You have a family. Now it's just minus one fuckwit".
You will get through this, I promise x

It’s truly horrible. That they violated your home is horrendous. I threw out everything I thought his CBW had touched that belonged to him. In kniw fur certain ages never came to my home. But the bag that went to the hotel, the underwear, the clothes.... they all got binned. Everything that felt contaminated had to go. I didn’t ask, I just binned it all. That I had been washing and ironing all of it for fourteen months when she could have had her hands all over it made me feel physically sick. Bin it all and start over. Get that bitch out of your house. You’ll feel a whole lot better.

"Of course children usually want to maintain the status quo with their parents being happy, living and together.

They do, however, get used to a new way of living if both parents remain civilised and can compromise as co-parents, living separately, where the care, routines, needs and feelings of the children are concerned. (Sorry OP I can't see if you've said the ages of your children).

A long-drawn out and emotionally charged separation is good for none of you."

This. It may be difficult for your DC at first if you separate but in due course they will be absolutely fine and I'm not at all sure they would be fine if you tried to restore your marriage.

Your H has smashed your marriage to smithereens, with an unbelievable degree of destructiveness. It seems to me that any attempt on your part to remain in the marriage and patch things up with your H, even if it could be done, could only be done at an unacceptable cost to you and would involve an unacceptable level of violence to your feelings, your self-esteem, your sense of yourself and so on. The price is too high. And your DCs would end up paying the price, too.

You sound like a terrific person. I'm sure you will be able to build a lovely life for you and your DCs after separation. And as PP said, when the DCs are with your H, you can start building the life you want for yourself.

How are you @Clarrie59

You seem so lovely and you can totally do this, just try and take each day at a time xxx

Hi Clarrie59, how are things holding up for you?

@Clarrie59

And he can stick his 'happy, & jolly' up his arse.

Thanks for this. It actually made me laugh which hasn't happened for a while!

Love this attitude! Don’t let his comments about her stick in your head. The thing that haunted me was when I found out about my husband’s affair and asked an incredulous “Why? What is so great about this woman?” he said so, so cruelly: “She’s young, sexy and fun.” It crushed me (middle aged with a ton of responsibilities) and put my self esteem through the floor. I’m an attractive middle aged woman who runs eight miles three times a week and bloody looks after herself. So angry that I allowed his shit to affect me so badly. “Fun” woman had no young teenage kids or husband to take care of and run round after. The pair of them had me to take care of my kids and give the kids lifts to and from their activities and support them with their homework, so that he could be late from work with bullshit excuses to shag her in hotels. These ‘fun’ ‘cheerful’ women are playing the part of mistress. Their role is to provide your husband with a fantasy for long enough to be able to prise them and their wallets out of their families. All they have to do is tell them how fucking wonderful they are, screw their brains out and sympathise about their dreadful wives and dead marriages, the poor dears. She had the cheek to say “We’re so good together” to him as if they had a ‘real’ relationship! 😂 If the bar for what constitutes a proper relationship was only set as high as having to dress up to go out for a meal in a fancy hotel restaurant, give him a good shagging and stroke his ego as well as his cock, then there’s hope for the rest of us yet! 😂 “Real relationship” my arse. Affairs are a fantasy shag, a ‘romantic’ farce which crumples once it’s been hit by a good dose of reality. Everything they say about it comes from this Disney fairyland perspective. My husband’s stupid amoral affair partner let him wine and dine her and screw her in hotels. That’s all they did. Nothing else. What I’m trying to illustrate is that the whole thing was a fake. A fantasy. He’s no more ‘in love’ with Mrs Cheerful (who now is Mrs Fucking Miserable, believe me) than I am with a jar of Marmite. I fucking hate the stuff. Don’t let stuff he says about his fantasy get into your head. Do not compare yourself. It truly is total bollocks and one day he’ll be horrified to see that. Keep his shit out if your head. Stay strong, you sound amazing.

So sorry he turned out to be such a lying cheat and to have so little love or empathy.

Your children have you - someone who DOES think of them. They will be well-parented. Having him sharing the life you have together (while filling yours with misery and suspicion) is unlikely to make their lives better.

It seems he goes through life turning happy/jolly women miserable... and then blaming them.

When we say you can do better... it isn't going to be difficult!)

Hello thank you so much for asking after me.
I am Ok just alternately depressed and sad, and furiously angry and incredible Hulk like.
@Thewookiemustgo your message has made me feel so much better. I know I shouldn’t wonder about her and what they did and where, but I’m afraid I do. It makes me feel better to think it wasn’t real love and that she hasn’t got off Scot free. I can’t bear to think she has no repercussions for using my husband and my house and car! And making my life so effing miserable.
Because she has always portrayed herself as kind and thoughtful I just can’t accept that she has done all this. I know you feel awful if your DH has an affair and you don’t know the OW but her being a friend really does my head in.
Don’t get me wrong- I hate DH for all this but I am also astounded that a woman who was sending me happy messages, buying us gifts, meeting my sister, meeting my children, complimenting me on my shoes at the works Xmas party was sneaking into my house and washing my husbands sk off in my bloody shower.
Sorry to be crude but sometimes the effrontery of it all stops my breath. Didn’t I or my children matter at all?! dH answer to that question is “well we thought you would never know” 🤮
Anyway I’m glad DH told me. If he hadn’t she would still be dangling him about until she was ready to resume the hugging and kissing.
See how she likes him with half his money, no family home, etc.
They are such ts.
Sorry - told u I was angry!

At least he is giving you plenty of ammunition to stay angry.

@Clarrie59 anger is good and you should be angry at both of them. In my opinion you should stop referring to the scum as your DH. There is nothing darling about him or what he has done to you.

I am very pleased you are angry @Clarrie59. It is a very healthy and logical response to everything that has happened. You sound very sane to me. Please stop apologizing for your feelings. They are very, very valid.

How awful for you op you are doing so well just take it a day at a time