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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
Weenurse · 22/07/2020 00:59

💐
I also hope the cat bit her.

Sexnotgender · 22/07/2020 07:14

“Apparently he and OW had no wish to upset me or our children “you were never supposed to know. But I was weak and I told you”.”

Well that’s ok then! As long as you were never supposed to know...

Dear lord what an absolute tool. Sounds like he’s trying to cast himself as the victim in all of this.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 22/07/2020 07:34

Another day to get through. I’ve been getting rid of everything I feel they have defiled. I’m going to get a new mattress - maybe even a new bed but for the moment I’m not even sleeping in that room. Apparently she only came to my house to have sex with my husband “about half a dozen times”. So that’s OK then.
I still can’t quite believe this. They left work early to go for walks up the river. This is truly amazing. He never walks anywhere (bad knee from old injury). He said “I’m sorry but she is such a cheerful kind person. She made me feel great every time I saw her.”
I suppose I must have been less than cheerful sometimes coping with job, kids, dog, house. “She just a sunny person and you are not”.
Thanks for that.

OP posts:
PETRONELLAS · 22/07/2020 07:37

Better if he tells her?

Honestly I wouldn’t want the turmoil of LTB but seriously start thinking about yourself.
Think clearer.
You can control this now. What do you want to happen? Whatever it is, it should not be him deciding what happens next.

ThreeImaginaryBoys · 22/07/2020 07:42

Chin up, OP. You are handling this with such dignity. Your H, on the other hand, appears to have all the emotional intelligence of a wooden spoon.

I hope you have a better day today Thanks

R2221 · 22/07/2020 07:44

I’d take prints of the emails and all other evidence and post it to her husband/family straight away.
Then let the her know in uncertain terms what’ll happen if she didn’t fuck off soon. Hug and a kiss? she’ll get that from hell - bitch!

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 08:20

Jesus what an awful man he's turned out to be. Why is he telling you these things! I'd stop all in unnecessary contact, and just talk to him about the dc for now. It's almost like he's desperate to talk about her and you are the only person he can tell.

So sorry he's doing this to you op Thanks

Sexnotgender · 22/07/2020 08:22

You’re doing so well, you are such a strong woman. One day, one minute at a time.

Only 1/2 a dozen times? Gosh why didn’t he say earlier? That’s ok then! Fucksake, he’s a real prince isn’t he?

jessycake · 22/07/2020 08:35

I have to say he is making this easy for you , there isn't a way back . I would get on with that divorce before he heals himself . I am struggling to comprehend his arrogance . That you deserved it because you don't have a different personality and that you can wait for him to get over it or the affair to resume and just carry on . It's breathtaking

TwentyViginti · 22/07/2020 08:36

He's still treating you as his counsellor then? I suppose it's good you know the extent of his vileness, but it won't do your MH any good in the long run to continue to be his listening ear for his loss of OW.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 22/07/2020 08:39

It seems he’s decided honest is the best policy nowadays (!). So if I ask him about his affair he tells me. Basically the story is that he was feeling down, neglected, put upon etc and she was feeling unappreciated by husband, annoying husband etc. And DH and OW really good friends anyway (again !) and so naturally they just took comfort from each other. Thing is she is such a sunny, jolly, lovely woman blah blah blah that of course another human would be drawn to her. I asked if he didn’t question her innate goodness when she agreed to do the dirty on me and her husband and he just says sadly “we both behaved very badly”.
Superhuman effort not to tear his face off. I really don’t know where to put this anger.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 22/07/2020 08:44

I really don’t know where to put this anger

You put it into a divorce. Don't let him call the shots any more. He's both cruel and pathetic. Ugh.

Franticbutterfly · 22/07/2020 08:47

He's just making you feel worse and worse by extolling the virtues of this homewrecking treacherous bitch. In fact, it's nothing short or cruelty. I know you probably want to know everything but it's like he's using what happened to continuously hurt you. He's not a nice man and has no respect. I would recommend no contact, seeing how devastated he is about the breakup of this relationship will be doing untold damage to your self esteem and you need to protect yourself as much as you can right now. Thanks

lufcaregoingup · 22/07/2020 08:48

Please don't forgive this horrible excuse of a man and make another go of it. You deserve so much more. Keep hold of that anger and kick him out good and speak to a solicitor about everything legal!

OliviaBenson · 22/07/2020 08:49

I think you need to detach from him and stop listening to his ramblings about the OW. Be cold towards him, talk about the necessities ie children etc. His behaviour is very narcissistic.

Sexnotgender · 22/07/2020 09:13

@OliviaBenson

I think you need to detach from him and stop listening to his ramblings about the OW. Be cold towards him, talk about the necessities ie children etc. His behaviour is very narcissistic.
Absolutely. Every time he starts to tell you some nugget of joy cut him off dead, with a - why on earth do you think I’d want to hear that? Stony faced as you can manage.

Use your anger! Get yourself a SHL and absolutely destroy him.

nicenames · 22/07/2020 09:32

Don't listen to this crap.

Of course people who are seeing each other for a couple of hours a week of romantic time will be "sunny" and ego boosting. Your husband has totally lost the plot in terms of what he thinks reality is. Certainly a lot of delusion and cognitive dissonance there.

This is not your fault. Please don't stay with someone who cheats and then tells you it is your fault for not being cheerful enough whilst performing all the family responsibilities and holds this over your head for the rest of your marriage. Honestly, you will be a lot more cheerful without him!! You deserve so very much more!

Pimmsypimms · 22/07/2020 09:42

It sounds to me like he's hurting from her rejection and projecting that hurt on to you. Almost like, he needs not to be the only one feeling rejected, so he'll make you feel the same way.
Make notes of it all op. Chances are he'll gaslight you and tell you he didn't say the horrible things that he said when he finally stops wallowing and realised how much he's fucked up.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/07/2020 10:01

'a break so WE can heal?'

How dare he? That's like someone slicing you up with a razor, and then saying 'you need to get that looked at, it's going to hurt.'

YOU need to heal. He just has pride that needs healing, because he got dumped and found out and now has to face up to the fact that his 'sunny, jolly woman' doesn't want to know him any more.

MadeForThis · 22/07/2020 10:08

He's acting like the wronged party. Because he was dumped.

You need to stop speaking to him. He's so caught up in his poor little me scenario that you will get hurt.

He's turning his affair into Romeo and Juliet.

Don't listen. Email communication about the dc only.

You need to get angry. Protect yourself. He is no longer your partner or friend.

I'm so sorry. But stay strong.

lesleyw1953 · 22/07/2020 10:17

How would he feel if you discussed your OLD responses with him "Look, this one is better looking than you. This one is far more interesting than you And no doubt they will all be better in bed ... So, if you can take the DC next weekend ... ?"

Regretsy · 22/07/2020 10:31

So glad your anger has arrived! Use it to: divorce him and take as much as possible for you and your kids, write it all down somewhere so you have a record for if it subsides and you feel sad, doing anything physical- exercise, stuff around the house, gardening. Something that helped me was my friend took me to the end of Brighton pier and we yelled off it for ages Grin get a good counsellor for when things have settled a bit.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/07/2020 10:33

I suppose I must have been less than cheerful sometimes coping with job, kids, dog, house. “She just a sunny person and you are not”

I'd ask if it's occurred to him that she was putting her "best face" on for him, and that a settled relationship would look very different, but it seems he's beyond that

I'm sorry, Clarrie, but he's utterly repulsive with a complete lack of empathy or even any normal compass of what's acceptable. You'll think this odd, but I almost wish she had taken him on, just so she could "enjoy" the consequences

Fortunately you're handling this brilliantly, though I'm aware from experience how hard it is. You've done particularly well in keeping a cool tone with him, and hopefully you can maintain this all the way to the divorce

Mix56 · 22/07/2020 10:35

& He "needs time to heal"... oh fuck off you arrogant sycophantic little dick.
You on the other hand need to heal as far away as possible from his entitled arse.
Foe Ever.
No doubt she was a sunny happy person, taking time off from work, family & home. & sitting sipping Prosecco in the pub, while you were working/caring for his dc etc
What if he had said to you, "lets take the afternoon off, we can go for a walk by the river & have a drink on the way home, lets have some us time"? You would have been sunny & happy too.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/07/2020 10:36

I agree with Regretsy, write it all down. Don't give him the satisfaction of reacting to him - any reaction he will take as your residual affection for him.

He doesn't get to unburden himself to you. I know the urge to find out all the nitty gritty details, and he wants to talk talk talk about her and all the lovely adorable things she did and how lovely and jolly and sunny she was (whilst you were busy dealing with family life, work, kids - and him). He's just got 'mentionitis'. Cut off the supply. Stop letting him talk about her, however badly you want to know.

And write down all your feelings. Write a journal every day. Pour out your feelings into that. Don't give him the satisfaction of showing him any emotion whatsoever.