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Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 21/07/2020 13:11

I’d actually be tempted to have a good laugh at how much of a loser he’s made himself over a women who now wouldn’t give him her piss if he were thirsty.

You might want to gleefully relate how your mate saw OW and her husband looking happy together and apparently making a fresh start of it (lay it on thick, he doesn’t know any better) - and how much she’s looking forward to a new job with less sleazy colleagues.
Kick him where it apparently hurts.

thefourgp · 21/07/2020 13:13

I’d get him to take the kids somewhere else so you don’t have to face him right now while it’s all so raw. You need to also expect that once he accepts he cannot break up their marriage, he’s going to feel lonely and try to get you back. As hurtful as this sounds, he’s only doing this because she doesn’t want him. You need to take time to think about what you want. He’s treated you appallingly. He hurt you by telling you about the affair in order to use you as a tool to end their marriage. I bet he thought if he told her husband she’d be angry with him so he prompted you to do it for him instead. Remember that no matter what you’ve been through together in the past, your husband is no longer your friend. He doesn’t really want what’s in your best interests. He wants what is in his best interests. You sound like such a lovely person and you deserve better.

fatgirlslimmer · 21/07/2020 13:36

@thefourgp that post is so sad but true Sad

caramelbun · 21/07/2020 13:41

I hope the cat bit her too.

I hope you are ok op.

User50000999788887876655 · 21/07/2020 13:46

Your looking at this wrong you want her to be suffering but she’s nothing to you, it’s good that she’s ignoring your husband as then he’s suffering too. He doesn’t just get to skip off into the sunset and leave you to pick up the pieces, this way he looses you and her and he’s left with nothing but regret. Don’t feel bad for him don’t worry about her just move on.

J2Squared · 21/07/2020 13:47

@Clarrie59

Heard from a mutual friend that OW and her DH just acting like nothing happened. Just says she’s changing her job. Her DH looks miserable though and she just kind of in the background. Whatever. My best friend gave me name of solicitor. DH coming round to see kids and ‘see if you are alright Clarrie’!
I hope you are ok OP. I have no advice. Just sending you love and strength to get through the first meeting with your husband x
Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 14:05

OMFG now he wants you to make it better for him. To be sad and upset but bravely, through your tears, ok. So he can continue to run his game of poor him and doesn't have to feel guilty. He needs you to forgive him. And to not feel like he did anything that wasn't going to inevitably happen and that you know it was your fault too.

Don't give him that. Self serving arsehole

TwentyViginti · 21/07/2020 14:18

He's well on his way to trying to worm his way back into the house and marriage.

Be on your guard Clarrie. Remember he'd have been off like a shot with OW had she wanted that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/07/2020 14:23

You need only think about the small stuff now. Every little bit of small stuff you deal with will help. Eventually it all slots together and becomes big stuff, so everything you do now will go towards helping you for the future. Tiny steps and all that.

BraveGoldie · 21/07/2020 19:52

OP,

Trust me the OW will be suffering. She is obviously someone who cares about appearances and she has ended up humiliated and no doubt condemned in front of her entire community- leaving a job in a way that she will feel she had no choice about, reviled by most people who know her, and I have no doubt utterly miserable at home - regardless of how polite a face she is putting on in public.

Of course the ideal is to not give a damn about her. And absolutely focus on your and your children's needs and wellbeing. But don't torture yourself with thinking she will be ok. I have no doubt she is having the shiftiest time of her life right now- as she deserves!

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 21/07/2020 22:31

DH thinks it’s best if we separate for a while ‘so we can heal’ 🤮
I didn’t commit myself to anything. Staying largely silent seemed to somewhat unnerve him. I said I was getting legal advice and he looked nervous.
Apparently he and OW had no wish to upset me or our children “you were never supposed to know. But I was weak and I told you”. I asked why they used my house and he said “we just wanted to spend time together”.
God I am righteously angry! What a pair of horrible shits.
Lots of people know now including OW father who said “what is it with my daughters breaking up families?” (OW sister had relationship with married man. She’s married to him now).

OP posts:
Dery · 21/07/2020 22:37

“God I am righteously angry! What a pair of horrible shits.”

Damn right, OP! It must be very hard with your H being such an arse but in the end I think it will make it easier for you to move on.

Dollyrocket · 21/07/2020 22:37

Your ‘D’H sounds like an absolute, utter prick, you will be well rid of him. Hugs and Flowers for you xx

Honeyroar · 21/07/2020 22:37

Aw weren’t they lovely not wanting to upset you!! That makes it all alright!

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 21/07/2020 22:48

Your hisband sounds like an utter wanker.

thefourgp · 21/07/2020 23:11

“DH thinks it’s best if we separate for a while ‘so we can heal’”

That sounds like code for “I’m hoping their marriage will break up soon and she’ll resume our relationship, but I want to keep my options open so I can come back to you if she doesn’t.” What an utter bastard.

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 23:23

Oh dear god the cheek. You played a blinder. Saying almost nothing and letting him make more of a twat of himself. Every time he does this he's making it easier for you.

But this hurts. Of course it does. I definitely get the feeling he and OW are going to come out of this very badly (so much for cake baking nice! What a scheming bitch!) but it's going to be hard for you.

But you are definitely going to be ok, more than ok in fact. You will meet someone fantastic and will realise how lucky you are this happened. Though it most definitely doesn't feel like that.

In your house. Because they wanted to spend time together. I've never slapped a man (or hit anyone since I was 12 and was being bullied) but god I'd want to slap him for that. He's proving himself to be a total prick. And it's not her first rodeo either 🤮

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 23:25

Can't believe he's attempting to take control by saying HE thinks you should take a break. Like you weee going to throw yourself at his feet begging him not to leave 🙄🙄

There are not enough rolleye emojis for that one 🙄🙄

ballsdeep · 21/07/2020 23:34

Good god he sounds like a self indulgent prick.

GilbertMarkham · 21/07/2020 23:38

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.

Somebody's taking being dumped by his mistress rather badly.

The striking thing is that he seems to think that,not only did he not odd you, his wife and the mother of his kids,any loyalty, fidelity, anything really ... That you are also his puppet/sidekick/tool who does his bidding.

Do you think he has a personality disorder of is a sociopath or something? His lack of empathy and ability to see you, for example as a person, is astounding.

GilbertMarkham · 21/07/2020 23:39

*owe you

GilbertMarkham · 21/07/2020 23:44

He doesn't even know (for sure) if you want a divorce, and therefore whether he's have a chance at keeping his family & household, with his children, together.

But instead of thinking about his kids' household, and the impact of divorce on rhem.... All he's fixated on is getting revenge on the ow.

His revenge is more important to him than his own children.

This is another reason I think he couldn't be mentally normal )even taking affair fog into account).

GinWeasley · 21/07/2020 23:54

I SO hope the cat bit her really fucking hard OP

SandyY2K · 22/07/2020 00:19

I really wouldn't take what ppl say in relation to the OW and her H acting as normal to be fact.

It's easy to put a show on and act like all is well. No man is going to take the fact that his wife had been sleeping with another, s just another day...unless he's a cuckold or they have an open relationship.

They won't broadcast the state of their marriage, because your H is coming coming across as obsessed...so he is the common enemy to them.

She ended the affair and she'll have told her H, that yours is bitter and is trying to end their marriage because she ended it with him.

Her H knows that yours is in love with her and if he ends their marriage...your H will be waiting with open arms...he's not about to lose his wife to your H..... he may despise her at the moment...but the prospect of divorce isn't usually financially attractive to most men with children.

MsDogLady · 22/07/2020 00:44

I asked why they used my house and he said “we just wanted to spend time together.”

You handled it all so well, Clarrie.

These morally bankrupt people have no shame. He is completely detached and unempathetic to your pain and is unfazed by the utter wrongness of bringing OW to your home and bed.

I agree with Gilbert about his lack of conscience and his expectation that you will comply and meet his wants/needs. It sounds like he sees you as his narcissistic extension.