Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

First off, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I've been there, that jaw dropping gut wrenching moment when your world splits apart in front of your eyes and you realise the person you love isn't who they seem to be.

I forgave my ex when he did this - he went on to do it again 2 years later which I didn't forgive. Things do get better once you're out the other side, but make choices based on what's right for you and your children, not what he wants you to do. He's given up any rights to being treated kindly by you.

Maybe he's so shocked she's finished with him that he cannot bear to be wrong and thinks if he gets contact with her again he can 'win' her back.

It's pathetic, and when he realises what a fool he's been he will be devastated.

Unfortunately he may decide to move back home once he réalises the OW has Indeed chosen her H over him. (In spite of reveling in her affair)
I doubt living with his mother will last long, he will expect you to want him back, he will say its his house & is entitled to live there.
This is where he will turn nasty

I'm so sorry OP. He isn't showing any regard or respect for you at all. You are the person he has hurt and betrayed but he's going over retaliation plans with you, as though he has been wronged? This is vile behaviour.

He sounds not just in love but obsessed with her. He’ll use any excuse/method to try and keep in contact with her and his anger towards her for rejecting him is worrying. It’s astounding how little respect he has for you and how it’s still all about ‘him and her’. No wonder you feel like he’s a stranger.

Sadly OP this has all been about the OW.

He's in love/lust/limerence with her.

He knew her greatest fear was being caught - he's told you that.

Then ever since she dumped him every action of his has been tailored to play on that to get revenge or in the hope her DH will dump her and she'll come running back to him.

You know about the affair because he told you. He wanted you to know because that's exactly what the OW didn't.

It's why he wants the world to know, not just at work but at large by naming her in a divorce because every time she rejects him, he's upping the ante (the divorce being in relation to her text).

He's using you to get at her which is why I'd think about blocking him for a time to give yourself some space to figure out what you want without being part of his playbook.

DeRigueurMortis

“Sadly OP this has all been about the OW.

He's in love/lust/limerence with her.

He knew her greatest fear was being caught - he's told you that.

Then ever since she dumped him every action of his has been tailored to play on that to get revenge or in the hope her DH will dump her and she'll come running back to him.

You know about the affair because he told you. He wanted you to know because that's exactly what the OW didn't.

It's why he wants the world to know, not just at work but at large by naming her in a divorce because every time she rejects him, he's upping the ante (the divorce being in relation to her text).

He's using you to get at her which is why I'd think about blocking him for a time to give yourself some space to figure out what you want without being part of his playbook”

Yes I think this is spot on. If he does want to win OW back though he’s certainly not going about it in the right way - she’s going to be running for the hills. And as for his reputation - how can he not be embarrassed and mortified that everyone knows what he has done! Very bizarre!

Clarrie, as pp have said you are so much better without him. What he has done says nothing about you at all, he has shown his true colours. Please stay strong, you will come out the other side!

Oh dear... what a mess OP. Try not to think about what the OW and her DH are doing. No home will be a happy one when infidelity is exposed.

Your H is obsessed with her and his behaviour is probably why she called it off...he's really caught feelings for her.

It's best to focus on yourself and your kids...I know it's easier said that done and you must still be in shock that this is happening to you.

You wake up and realise it's not a nightmare...it's your life.

Keep yourself hydrated..remember to eat.

If you need time off work, let you manager know they're are some issues going on at home with your DH.

It'll take time...but you can get through this. It's okay to be sad...disappointed and let down by everything... this is on him.

On the upside at least you don't need to worry about getting revenge on the OW - your OH is doing it all for you! Everyone now knows - including her OH. And seeing what a nasty spiteful jerk he is - even to her - must be a ghastly shock . Bet she's not crying over him anymore ...

It sounds like he is desperately trying to end her marriage.

You sound lovely OP.. for you x what a idiot he is!

OP, other posters have explained your husband's behaviour very well. I can't imagine how hard this must feel for you. But remember - so far you have handled yourself with great dignity and one day you will be proud of that.

If you can, interfere as little as possible in this awful business because it is going to get worse. It looks like your husband is turning into a very nasty person - brace yourself for more bizarre behaviour. I predict he will turn on this woman in a big, nasty way out of spite and want of her attention. That's not good news for anybody, you included.

Take lots of care xxx

Honestly @Clarrie59, I know you’re shocked, etc... but maybe while he’s such an emotional mess is just the time to get him to sign things over to you in your favour, maybe he’s feeling guilty enough (and in his mother’s house, etc)

Reported.

Heard from a mutual friend that OW and her DH just acting like nothing happened. Just says she’s changing her job. Her DH looks miserable though and she just kind of in the background.
Whatever.
My best friend gave me name of solicitor.
DH coming round to see kids and ‘see if you are alright Clarrie’!

@Clarrie59

Heard from a mutual friend that OW and her DH just acting like nothing happened. Just says she’s changing her job. Her DH looks miserable though and she just kind of in the background. Whatever. My best friend gave me name of solicitor. DH coming round to see kids and ‘see if you are alright Clarrie’!

Only see him if you want to. Don’t let him call the shots.

How are you this morning? Are you sleeping? Eating?

How the fff does he expect you to be alright! My goodness you married a twat! Stupid man. Leave him to see the children by himself, don’t engage with him and go and ring that solicitor while he’s entertaining the kids for you.

As for her and her poor husband- if they manage to stay together they will have the most dreaded marriage full of anger and distrust, whatever facade they portray. It will probably be tougher for her in the long run than getting dumped now.

How patronising of him!

What's he going to do if you aren't all right? Unshag his mistress?

He SHOULD be seeing the kids, he needn't phrase it as if he's doing you a favour. I agree, leave him with the children and go out for a walk. How you are is no longer any of his business.

I'd get him to take the kids out so you can have some peace and 'you' time, even if it means you going out for a few hours.

If you don't want to talk to him then don't

@Clarrie59

Heard from a mutual friend that OW and her DH just acting like nothing happened. Just says she’s changing her job. Her DH looks miserable though and she just kind of in the background. Whatever. My best friend gave me name of solicitor. DH coming round to see kids and ‘see if you are alright Clarrie’!

But this is all so fresh for you, it’s even fresher for her DH. Things may change but either way their marriage will never be the same again.

The words "How the fuck do you expect me to be, twat??" spring to mind.

Not sure I would want to leave him alone with the kids. Think you need to be close by to nip any potential lying or bullshit in the bud. Apart from that I would ignore him, try hard not to hit him with a shovel, and hide the tissues when he starts his 'poor me' act.

Was in your position twenty years ago.

Think it will be pretty hard to face him but I have to.
All this angst great for losing weight. Thanks Starcrossed Lovers.
Really want to ask him exactly where she went and how she behaved in this house (ashamed? Brazen?) but know I can’t. I hope the cat bit her (it bites pretty much all visitors).
Sort of thinking about the smaller stuff because if I really think about what’s coming I am so scared.

I understand, Clarrie; just seeing him in the house, knowing what he's done will be painful, but I honestly would avoid saying any more to him than you have to - you really can't allow any more of his nonsense into your mind than you can help, and boy will he try

What you need most is to maintain the distance while you come to terms with this; would it perhaps help if you took the DCs round to his mother's, instead of having him in your space?

You do not have to face him. He does not get to ask if you are ok.

How old are the children, make arrangements so that you are not there.

The OW and her DH have decided to stay together and put on a public front (for now) Your DH has been dumped.

He is now asking how you are? Don't dance to his tune, he will be looking for sympathy or forgiveness, give him neither.

Don't be his second choice