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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 20/07/2020 14:49

Clarrie - WTF. Do you think he has lost the plot?!!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/07/2020 14:50

You are far from pathetic OP.
It is so much to come to terms with.
And he is making everything 10 times worse.
We've been there.
Just hang in there.
Start to do some practical things if you feel up to it.
Consult a few solicitors in your area and get some legal advice.

Anordinarymum · 20/07/2020 14:51

@Clarrie59

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.
I don't think it works like that any more. Divorce him for whatever reason comes best but her name is not a necessary requirement. I am sure someone on here will know
Original poster
Clarrie59 · 20/07/2020 14:55

Well I don’t think I’m going to get divorced solely so he can shame his girlfriend on my divorce papers!
I think he’s gone a bit mad tbh.
I sincerely hope her DH is giving her just one tenth of the hell thats going on here. It really seems unfair that I’m suffering!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 20/07/2020 14:56

Just divorce him for whatever reason YOU like.

I think you need to block him for a while. His constant lovesick updates can’t be helping your sanity. Either that or bury him in the garden! He is being disgustingly disrespectful (not that he’s respected his family for a long time). Horrible, selfish, disgusting man.

Anordinarymum · 20/07/2020 14:58

@Honeyroar

Just divorce him for whatever reason YOU like.

I think you need to block him for a while. His constant lovesick updates can’t be helping your sanity. Either that or bury him in the garden! He is being disgustingly disrespectful (not that he’s respected his family for a long time). Horrible, selfish, disgusting man.

Bury him in the garden.. ha ha ! Love it.

I'll bring a spade and help

Sexnotgender · 20/07/2020 14:58

@Clarrie59

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.
Tell him he no longer gets to call the shots. You’ll do what you want, when you want. He’s forfeited all right to a say in any decisions you make.

God, I’m so sorry he’s being such an arse. Sending you virtual hugs and a nice cold glass of wine x

Dery · 20/07/2020 15:00

@Clarrie59 - it must be devastating that he is apparently so willing to end your marriage and wreck your family, though I do think in the end it will be easier for you than for OW's husband. You'll be through and out the other side while the wreckage of their marriage is still smouldering around them. But of course none of that makes what's happening now easier to bear.

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 20/07/2020 15:01

@Clarrie59

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.
Probably because she's ditched him and he wants continued contact....
Happynow001 · 20/07/2020 15:02

@Clarrie59

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.
Oh my word! He's either trying to force her hand to go back to him or now just wants vengeance. Either way the OW is in trouble all round - which she is at least 50% responsible for.
Unfollowtherules · 20/07/2020 15:03

Your solicitor would be likely to advise you not to name her in the divorce.

baileys6904 · 20/07/2020 15:08

Op- ive not come on to tell you to do anything or say how badly hes behaved...

I just wanted to say you deserve to be happy in this life, and you will be again. Just remember that, you will be happy again

Take care and big loves xx

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 20/07/2020 15:15

“Your solicitor would be likely to advise you not to name her in the divorce”

How come?

jessycake · 20/07/2020 15:18

What an awful thing to be having to deal with . He seems to be trying to deflect all his anger onto the OW for dumping him and no sorrow at what has happened to you and the children , pathetic isn't he ?

Sexnotgender · 20/07/2020 15:18

@thebeachismyhappyplace2

“Your solicitor would be likely to advise you not to name her in the divorce”

How come?

I’m pretty sure you need absolutely irrefutable proof of sexual relationship before you can name someone in divorce proceedings. It can get messy and expensive.
TwentyViginti · 20/07/2020 15:22

@Clarrie59

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.
Is this even a thing nowadays? Isn't it under 'unreasonable behaviour'?

He's an embarrassment to himself, let alone you and your DC!

Maundering on like a lovesick teen and now seeking revenge on OW because she gave him the boot. Pathetic.

frazzledasarock · 20/07/2020 15:26

I’d doubt in this instance the husband will contest the grounds so surely it would be accepted?

I’d go for irretrievable breakdown and add adultery on the list of reasons. That way the court has several reasons to grant you divorce.

Your husband sounds scary obsessed. I’d divorce and get the best financial settlement possible whilst he’s still fixated on OW.

lesleyw1953 · 20/07/2020 15:34

Perhaps he is trying to make sure her marriage goes under so she will come back to him? Scumbag. Really hope they get all they deserve ...

MotherofTerriers · 20/07/2020 15:39

OP, you should do what's best for you, but I really would advise you to find a good solicitor asap.

You need as good a financial settlement as possible, for you and your children to move forward. At the moment he wants you to divorce him and he's much more likely to agree to what you want. If you wait, he realises that she has dumped him and decides he doesn't want a divorce after all, he will fight very hard not to agree a financial settlement

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 20/07/2020 15:40

Why on earth does he think that he gets to call all the shots. Utter wanker.

Big hugs to you. Its a horrible situation to be in. Make sure you do what you want, and take your time making any decisions.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/07/2020 15:43

I think he’s gone a bit mad tbh

That's why I said, if his OW really won't have him back, he'll blame a "mid life crisis" in order to have somewhere to live until the wanderlust strikes again

If he'd shown even the least remorse you might have had something to work with, but there's none at all - and I believe that, when the mist starts to clear, you'll recall other instances when he showed a lack of empathy, but which you perhaps didn't attach much importance to at the time

Sadly, as a PP said, he's gone and it's over; some things just aren't repairable and I'd definitely think this was one of them

OneForMeToo · 20/07/2020 15:46

His asking like some teenager heart broken over their first love. If I can’t have her I’ll destroy her reputation etc.

He need help but that’s not your problem. I’d just ignore him and his pitty party.

Unfollowtherules · 20/07/2020 15:59

You can divorce for adultery without naming the other party. It’s not the done thing any more and would be advised against. And yes, there would need to be proof and she would have to sign the papers. You would also have to divorce within six months and not continue to live together. Obviously you would need legal advice but it’s quite complicated.

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/07/2020 16:17

Oh good lord next he will be wanting you to fight over him! This latest thing is all about her - you are just a prop. You don't need that.

It makes no difference to settlements etc and just makes you look a bit 'scorned woman'. Bit of a cheek given he's the scorned one here.

You have enough to deal with frankly and the only (adult) person you should be considering is you. He's done a massive dirty on you and is now telling everyone that will listen it's because of you. No doubt in a few years time he will realise what a prick he was.

But it's all about you. You doing what you need to (note need not want. Want is trying to keep the marriage together until he does it again. Need is getting out quickly and moving on ASAP).

Tell him to sort his own drama out, you want no part of it Flowers

Needhelp101 · 20/07/2020 16:18

@Clarrie59

I’m far from amazing. I’m pathetic really. And incredibly hurt. And still utterly gobsmacked. My taciturn, grumpy, kind DH. Devoted dad. Never appeared to be interested in other women. This man has been to our home with my kind, sweet, friend and shagged her in my bed. I keep looking at things in the house like the drawing of our son when he was 6 and thinking she’s looked at that. Why would they do this? It seems almost worse that they are not even going to run off together. All this grief for nothing.
Clarrie, it's spooky reading this because this is almost word for word what I thought when I was going through your situation. Mine ex shagged her in front of our wedding pictures, for God's sake.

And when discovered, they threw each other other under a bus. Never spoke again. After an affair of 18 months! Pet names, weekends away, risking their families... Baffling (well, to all normal humans). When we went to counselling (because he persuaded me to give him another chance, fool that I was), this really shocked the counsellor - she told me directly in a private session.

Anyway, enough of my sorry story. I'm out the other side and you'll get there too. Please try and find a solicitor and only engage with him re. the children. Big hugs x

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