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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/07/2020 12:39

So while all of this is going on you are where exactly? Still putting up with him in the family home?

he has made it clear he does not want you. Why would he want everyone to know? He should be concentrating on patching his relationship up with his wife but he's not.

I would not invest another moment of my time on him now if this were me Clarrie......

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 20/07/2020 12:39

I didn’t see her text message myself but I believe she sent it. His reaction told me it was real.
He was probably expecting her to contact him and wail about me knowing and promising secret hugs or whatever the crap they do together. Instead she’s buggered off and I think he doesn’t know whether to be angry or sad.
No one (irl) apart from my friend asking me what I want to do! I just have to work out the best solution for my children.

OP posts:
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 20/07/2020 12:39

That’s so weird - why does he want everyone to know?!!

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 20/07/2020 12:43

Maybe wants everyone to know so she’ll agree to run off with him? So she can’t happily go back to her husband? Because he’s proud of shagging her? Who knows?
I need to wash my hair and eat something and try to feel better.
Thanks for virtual support.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/07/2020 12:45

Unless he's a better actor than anyone thought, maybe she really has dumped him and he wants to blacken her name out of spite - what a prince among men Hmm

I'd ask if there's any chance he might consider your feelings in all this, but sadly that ship seems to have sailed long ago
Frankly I'd stop listening to any more of this than you have to and concentrate on the legals now; you could get a lot done while what passes for his mind is distracted

J2Squared · 20/07/2020 12:46

He wants work to know as it seems like he wants her to feel ashamed? Maybe too ashamed to return as he is clearly angry she has rejected him.

Anordinarymum · 20/07/2020 12:47

Clarrie, honestly............ you will be better off without the cheating scumbag who has trodden on your feelings and allowed his bit on the side to stamp what's left of you in the ground.

i want to punch hug you and make you see you are worth more than this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/07/2020 12:52

I believe she sent it. His reaction told me it was real

Be careful, Clarrie - from his "reactions" you probably thought your DH's commitment to you was real until very recently, and that too was false

Hard, I know, but this is what I meant about not giving this too much headspace. Once they have another agenda and start lying it rarely gets better, so the only thing to do is concentrate on your own interests

Is he still at his mother's? If so, that will help with making arrangements without interruption ...

hellsbellsmelons · 20/07/2020 13:01

I wonder why?
Does he think OW will want to be with him and that she will leave her husband and family.
I don't see the benefit to him?
But if that is what he wants, then let him crack on.
You know where you stand.
He doesn't consider you or your feelings at all.
He's gone OP.
It's the end for you and him and he doesn't seem to care that's it's hurting you.
He's a fucking cock of the highest order!

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 20/07/2020 13:02

@Clarrie59

Maybe wants everyone to know so she’ll agree to run off with him? So she can’t happily go back to her husband? Because he’s proud of shagging her? Who knows? I need to wash my hair and eat something and try to feel better. Thanks for virtual support.
Thats probably a good guess. He is trying to force her hand
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 20/07/2020 13:03

OP you’ll feel once you’ve eaten something and washed your hair. How old are your kids? Could you possibly get someone to look after the kids this evening so you can go and sit in a nice beer garden in the sunshine with a friend and have some YOU time? It might be just what you need right now 😘

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/07/2020 13:03

If he's at his DMs, does this mean he's contacting you to tell you whatever she says to him? Has he actually contacted you to ask about the children, or seeing them, or to talk about money or arrangements going forward?

Or is he still just wanting to talk about himself?

You have to look on him as though he is a stranger, unfortunately. The years you spent together mean nothing any more.

Franticbutterfly · 20/07/2020 13:05

@Clarrie59

Now my DH wants everyone to know apparently. Wants everyone to know he was shagging her. He’s said he particularly wants everyone at work to know. I can’t really work out why. It’s like he’s a stranger. A horrible stranger. He doesn’t care what I want at all. It’s all about him. Anyway, they can all eff off. I feel like my head might explode.
I think he wants everyone to know as a way of shouting his love and devotion to her from the rooftops. I have been in a similar situation to yourself, and I tell you from experience your H is not acting in a way that would be expected of someone who cares about your marriage and his DC. He acting the opposite.
Needhelp101 · 20/07/2020 13:09

As the wise Chumplady says, the quickest route to healing is No Contact. You're in the eye of the storm now OP so it feels overwhelming but I would urge you to only communicate with your utter cock of a husband about the children. Nothing else. He doesn't have the privilege of having you give a flying fuck about his feelings anymore.
Oh, and see a solicitor. I'm sure if you posted your rough location someone could give you a recommendation.
You'll be OK, I promise x

Mumoblue · 20/07/2020 13:16

Stay strong OP.
Keep your head clear, don't let him confuse you with his bullshit.
You deserve better, and he should be out on his arse! I know it's easier said than done but don't let him get away with sobbing to you about being dumped by his bit on the side!

Sorry he isn't the man you thought he was, but you sound like you've got your head on straight, just need a bit of time. Lick your wounds then tell him to get lost. Flowers

justilou1 · 20/07/2020 13:17

His little manly ego is bruised because OW hasn’t chosen him. She has in fact, left him for her husband. He is trying (very, very stupidly) to claw back a semblance of control by wanting everyone at work to know about it all - as though this will force her to come back to him. It won’t. She saw the hills, headed for them and kept going. His fantasy world crumbled, and he is clawing at any pieces he can cling to. I’m sorry OP, but he has a narrative going about you that is completely fictitious that suits his agenda, in which you are not nice, loving, caring or kind. (That’s her job now.)

User50000999788887876655 · 20/07/2020 13:23

Get a pitbull lawyer.

Honeyroar · 20/07/2020 13:30

He wants everyone to know because she’s hurt his pride. He thought she loved him, she didn’t. So he’s lashing out trying to hurt her back. My friend had an affair and when she tried to end it and go back to her husband the bloke contacted all of her friends and her husband. The other bloke was married too. When he contacted me he said “she shouldn’t treat me this way, she’s not getting away with it”.

Everything he does like this makes it easier for you. You can’t possibly stay with someone so obviously obsessed with someone else. You can’t go back to normal from this.

Drinkingallthewine · 20/07/2020 13:42

He's probably hoping that if everyone knows, her husband will dump her and she will have no choice but to take up with your husband. It's as if he's trying to force her into a more serious relationship than she wanted.

Alfiemoon1 · 20/07/2020 13:43

He isn’t taking your feelings into account at all it’s odd he wants everyone to know

Dery · 20/07/2020 13:56

"Everything he does like this makes it easier for you. You can’t possibly stay with someone so obviously obsessed with someone else. You can’t go back to normal from this."

This. Also everything he does like this makes it harder for her since she was apparently so concerned about people finding out.

Anyway, OP - you are already beginning to sound much more detached from your H and full of purpose. You're amazing!

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 20/07/2020 14:38

I’m far from amazing. I’m pathetic really. And incredibly hurt. And still utterly gobsmacked. My taciturn, grumpy, kind DH. Devoted dad. Never appeared to be interested in other women. This man has been to our home with my kind, sweet, friend and shagged her in my bed. I keep looking at things in the house like the drawing of our son when he was 6 and thinking she’s looked at that. Why would they do this? It seems almost worse that they are not even going to run off together. All this grief for nothing.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 20/07/2020 14:43

My goodness - he seems to be positively encouraging you to cite him for adultery in the divorce petition. What on Earth does he feel he will gain from his actions now? He seems to have complete contempt for everyone.

As a PP said, make sure you get a Bulldog lawyer!

Strength OP - you'll get through this! 🌹

Honeyroar · 20/07/2020 14:48

You’re allowed to be hurt and gobsmacked and to be feeling completely on your knees. Your whole world has had a bomb thrown into it. You wouldn’t be human to not be Incredibly affected. I hope you’ve got lots of support from friends and family. Are you eating etc? Do your children know anything? I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.

Original poster
Clarrie59 · 20/07/2020 14:48

He wants me to divorce him for adultery so she is named in the divorce petition. This is the latest bombshell.

OP posts: