Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

Send a message to your MIL too with a brief outline of what has happened I'm betting he's told her a load of bull to make himself look better.

They all know now. Ow’s husband definitely read my email. My MIL very sad about it all, wants us to get back together.
Sorry haven’t posted much. A bit overwhelmed with it all. I told my DH I had told OW that I know what they’ve been doing and that I’d emailed her DH.
Not sure what will happen now. Just getting through each day.
Thanks for advice.

I’m not surprised you’re overwhelmed, your whole life just imploded. Be kind to yourself

@Clarrie59 I hope you have support in your life from your family and friends.

Best of luck OP.

No don’t. It will make OP look unhinges.

He has a right to know.

It's the right thing to do.

@GilbertMarkham

No don’t. It will make OP look unhinges.

He has a right to know.

It's the right thing to do.

I agree . It is easy to say these things when not involved and tbh when you find out about something like this then yes you act as if you are unhinged ! It is good that everyone knows the situation and there is a level playing field . I was not told but the H of my Ex H's affair partner knew . I only found out after a year of him knowing . He wanted to spare me the misery he felt ( but really he was too worried about people finding out ) . Instead I spent a year in innocence when I could have kicked both their arses.

The OW DH definitely knows. So does she. So does my MIL. So does my best friend. So do some people at DH work. I imagine it will become known to most people at DH work through the grapevine.
It’s out there now.
OW and her DH not contacted me. My DH says OW has “vanished”. Hadn’t contacted him at all. He expected her DH to contact him but he hasn’t.

I think your husband is going to have a shock when he realises she cares much more about saving her marriage than she does him. She won’t be quite so perfect and wonderful in a week or two. Then he’ll realise what he’s done and be trying to come back, his mum will be pushing him that way too.

Just remember it’s all about you and what is best for you now. Stay strong, have plenty of support (I had three private counselling sessions when I was gonna through this, which helped me stop blaming myself and stay strong). Take as long as you want to decide what you want (I’d speak to a solicitor about how you’d split if need be too - find out everything that would happen whatever road you want to go down).

Good for you! You took back some control. You have to start getting back in the driving seat of your life. Stay strong you are amazing and strong they are weak and pathetic.

You’re going to come under a lot of pressure to try again. From your DH and likely his mother too.

Only do it if that’s what YOU want. You’re the innocent party here, you’ve been wronged, don’t let them make you feel guilty.

You didn’t split up the family, he did. His actions alone are the reason you’re not together.

My DH says OW has “vanished”. Hadn’t contacted him at all.

He desperately wants her attention, doesnt he.

I imagine he wants the dh to call him so your dh can tell him to move aside as they are in love.

He is a dick, op.

I do hope your DH isn't still wringing his hands and expecting your sympathy, OP. Especially now the love of his life is busy doing damage limitation in her own marriage and has shown up their 'doomed love' for the opportunistic selfishness that it really was.

Where's all her 'crying because she couldn't help him in hospital' now, eh?

BIG wake up call for both of them. You stay strong, do what you think is best and don't be swayed by anyone else's opinion.

Focus on you and your children. That’s your main hub. Do what you guys need to do for some TLC

I think your husband is thriving on the drama of all this.

Is he normally this pathetic?

OW has surfaced! She texted DH to say she isn’t going back to work, she’s intending to apply for jobs elsewhere. Just that apparently
Great! Nice to think she and DH can totally destroy my life and that of my children and she’s swanning off into the sunset. I kno it’s childish but I want them both to be told off and feel awful. Stupid I know!
Oh well.

I highly doubt there isn’t hell going on at her house. Don’t feel she’s got off scot-free.

I think that you can rest assured that her marriage isn’t going to be fun for a long time. They might smooth over it but the damage is still there.

But she’s doing for her husband what yours should’ve done for you. She’s making an effort and shutting down all communication with him. Your husband is still moping and dreaming. Your husband is really making it easier for you to move on with your life (even though it hurts now).

Clarrie - it’s not stupid or childish at all. Your whole world has been turned upside down. Of course they should feel awful. What absolute cowards she and DH are. She might be able to walk away from her job and find a new one but I can’t imagine her husband is just to let her off the hook. Plus if you have mutual friends who know then she has to live with the shame unless she moves town too! Big hug 🤗

Good lord! So he's in love with her & she's just not going to give up her family.

If she had been willing to make a go of this you wouldn't have seen your 'D'H for dust. That much is very clear.

Now he's telling the world you made him unhappy, didn't love him etc. His mum believes it of course, & he probably does too. But now his options are closed her might be 'suddenly realising' he was a monumental prick.

Not really much you can do apart from wait for the shock to die down & get a divorce - you will meet someone lovely eventually. I think if you can some CBT would help as its a hell of a lot to deal with.

Well, what this tells you is your husband hasnt even blocked his mistress. Ignore what she said. That’s key. He still wants contact.

She texted DH to say she isn’t going back to work, she’s intending to apply for jobs elsewhere

It probably won't repair her marriage, but I suppose it's good that one of the cheating pair's making an effort in that direction
What a shame that your DH hasn't done the same, but expected you to dry his tears instead

Now his big love affair's busted he'll probably decide he wasn't so unhappy with you after all, or even that it was all some "mid-life crisis"

Until the next time ...

It sounds to me as though OW was already backing off as her family suspected an affair and she wasn’t ready to commit to your DH. Now the shit has hit the fan she is doing whatever she needs to do and telling her DH whatever he needs to hear to save her marriage.

She may even tell her DH that she has been wrongfully accused and is backing this up by removing herself from the situation. Your DH has been dumped and cried to you about it.

I really feel for you @Clarrie59 I hope you have family and friends who can give you strength.

what this tells you is your husband hasnt even blocked his mistress

Actually that's a very valid point
Have you seen this latest message for yourself, Clarrie, or are you just going on what he told you it said?

Now my DH wants everyone to know apparently. Wants everyone to know he was shagging her. He’s said he particularly wants everyone at work to know.
I can’t really work out why.
It’s like he’s a stranger. A horrible stranger. He doesn’t care what I want at all. It’s all about him.
Anyway, they can all eff off. I feel like my head might explode.