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Original poster

Husband's affair advice needed

800 replies

Clarrie59 · 15/07/2020 14:12

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 17/07/2020 22:22

There's no sense to these things. They are life altering.

But I would recommend sharing this information with anyone you want. Do not keep their dirty secret.

You have been astonishingly brave.

LessCumbersome · 17/07/2020 22:42

@Zaphodsotherhead

I'm sorry, that sounds truly awful. I have been through some difficult stuff in my life but that sounds unfathomable to me

I hope you got though it and are happy now xxxx

mellowww · 17/07/2020 23:10

I am tempted to contact her and say I know what they have been doing but DH says it's better coming from him.

Why?

SandyY2K · 17/07/2020 23:10

Still nothing from her or her husband

Are you sure her DH got the message?

Many married OWs/OMs intercept emails even they know they've been caught out.

My normal advice is to ask the betrayed spouse to confirm via a phone call that they have received the message, so you can be sure it was not intercepted by their cheating spouse.

A response by email or text isn't acceptable, because you don't know who's responding.

She could have blocked you on his email and his phone as well.

mellowww · 17/07/2020 23:16

She has been fucking your husband.

Why do you owe her anything whatsoever?

Tell her husband.
Text her after you've done it.

She is literally calling the shots in all your lives.

She wants to cool it with your husband so her family is protected. She couldn't give a fuck about you or yours,

But she still wants to be able to have your husband when're she feels like it.

And you're not allowed to say anything to her?

What?

Your husband is a pussy and they're both trampling all over you.

I'd pull the rug right out from under her. No she doesn't control you. Or your husband. And she will have a lot of trouble on her hands when her actions come to light. Good.

Honeyroar · 17/07/2020 23:16

You’re absolutely right. She should have stepped back and told him to go and speak to you. And he should’ve stepped back and come to you. But they’re both cunts! Things can go wrong in a marriage. Relationships can fail. But any decent partner would try and work it out, speak to their partner, TRY! Not just have an affair- that’s for complete arseholes.

mellowww · 17/07/2020 23:25

Sorry ....... I missed out a big chunk of the thread 😬

Ok great you told him. But if you told them both, she might have deleted your message from the husband's phone.

You need to call or speak in person to her husband.

Bateshotel · 17/07/2020 23:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsDogLady · 18/07/2020 04:39

...if he started confiding in her about being unhappy etc why didn’t she say ‘look talk to Clarrie about this not me.’ She knows me. I’m sure she didn’t make him do things he didn’t want to do, but she could have refrained from flirting etc because she knows me and I have never done her any harm.

In her shoes, you would have redirected him instead of using it as a springboard for developing intimacy. OW, however, doesn’t share your values. She lacks a strong moral compass and boundaries. Just like H. He too could have refrained from flirting. Instead, they chose to act on their attraction with no thought or consideration for you, her husband, or any of the children.

MiddleClassProblem · 18/07/2020 08:13

I think it’s as simple as at the time her attraction to him out weighed her loyalty to you or her husband.

BurtsBeesKnees · 18/07/2020 08:42

This is going to sound harsh, but it's really not meant to be. But I'm afraid you didn't factor into the affair what so ever. The pair of them will have been so consumed by it, that they wouldn't have given their respective partners a thought.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2020 08:42

To be honest, even if OW has intercepted her DH's emails so he doesn't yet know, she will be shitting herself anyway. Because now she knows that you know and you want her DH to know, she will be tying herself in knots. If she's deleted the email, how is she ever going to explain keeping you all apart from hereon in? Never speaking to you again? She may come up with some cock and bull story, but being as her family was 'already suspicious' chances are her DH will see through that in a second and if he doesn't? Well, you're still out there, still knowing what happened, still a threat (especially if you have stuff in writing that's been exchanged between your DH and the OW).

It's absolute shit. And everyone's world is about to crash, including that of the blameless (you and your DC). You just have to hang on.

And thank you @LessCumbersome! My life is pretty good right now!

GilbertMarkham · 18/07/2020 08:44

I'd contact him (ow's DH) via work.

There must be a way you can contact him that she can't intercept.

frazzledasarock · 18/07/2020 10:52

@GilbertMarkham

I'd contact him (ow's DH) via work.

There must be a way you can contact him that she can't intercept.

No don’t. It will make OP look unhinges.

Concentrate on yourself right now OP. You have plenty of opportunity to let OW’s DH know.

Tell your friends and family it will get round soon enough.

Concentrate on working out how to sort your own situation out for the best for you and your DC.

Make a list of practical things you want doing, I’d include an STD test if he’ been screwing around. Find a good solicitor so you’re armed with information and know where you stand and what you’d need to do.

But above all surround yourself with people who love you and have your back and take care of yourself.

jessycake · 18/07/2020 12:26

I would just text your mother in law and say you understand she will be in a very difficult position and a brief outline of what has happened . She probably doesn't know what to do or what to think or say to you , she may not even know the truth .

piscean10 · 18/07/2020 12:48

Hi op. Sending you hugs. Sorry for what you are going through. What a pair of scumbags, utter trash both of them.
I think she is such a disgrace- she was your friend!! I have a feeling her dh didnt read the mail. Highly unlikely as he didnt contact you about details or confirmation. Even your mil- she probably doesnt know the truth.
For now, take it a step at a time.
How are the kids doing?

recycledbottle · 18/07/2020 13:17

You are incredibly focused on the OW and how she shouldn't have done this and that and are saying very little about your DH. Ultimately, and sadly, your DH has absolutely zero respect for you. If you want to move forward, this is what you should be focusing on. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Mittens030869 · 18/07/2020 13:26

The OP is focused on the OW because she's a close friend so that's a personal betrayal as well. But I agree that she needs to come to terms with her DH's betrayal and become more angry about that.

misskick · 18/07/2020 16:26

If you had the intention to break up with someone why on earth would you ask them to still hug and kiss you when you needed it. She is dangling him on a piece of string for when it's suitable for her to start the affair back up again. You sound in shock op and your husband doesn't seem to consider your feelings at all just his own.

misskick · 18/07/2020 16:34

Just updated myself and read the rest of the thread, do you think maybe she deleted the email before her husband seen it as surely he would've made contact. Well done for having the strength to send him to his mothers you will be able to think more clearly.

VenusTiger · 18/07/2020 17:45

I think it's odd OW's DH hasn't even acknowledged receipt of the email @Clarrie59 also weird that MIL hasn't so much as asked how you are? You're still on your own here - hope your close friend can do some communicating on your behalf - open conversations need to be had, it can't just be assumed it's all out in the open and swept under the carpet, that's not fair on you. At the least, you're owed an apology and a "how are you" no matter how shallow the platitude.

Your H seems to have detached from your marriage OP, which is why he's being so brutally upfront about all the goings on with OW, he simply doesn't care anymore. It may not be his only affair either in the 10yrs he says he's been unhappy - he might be a pro now.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2020 23:45

It's not odd if neither of them know. If OWs DH never got the mail and MIL has been told that OP is having a breakdown and has become psychotically jealous and he fears for his life if he stays.... well.

londonscalling · 19/07/2020 10:37

I think you should ring the OW's DH today. He is your friend after all. You should just enquire how he is getting on after learning the news about his wife having an affair with your husband. You'll soon know if he's even aware and what has been said!

Mix56 · 19/07/2020 13:48

Or send another email asking him to confirm by phone he has had the last one, as you fear OW may censor his mail

LadyEloise · 19/07/2020 18:59

Good idea @Mix56

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