Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

How are you doing op? Did he go to his mums? I hope he's at least given you some space to get your head around all of this. X

Give her a chance @ohmydarling



@Clarrie59 - take it one day at a time but make sure, as I said before, that you don't do the pick me dance.

It sounds like you are still in shock and processing everything. It will take time.
But I would remember his words when he told you. He loves her, he clearly didn’t want the affair to finish so - if she wants him back somewhere down the line - would he go back to her?
Would you be able to trust him again?
My mum discovered my dad had an affair when I was 8 and my brother was 15. It was devastating for all of us but my mum had to do what was best for her as it was her being disrespected.

What is it recently with people typing posts designed to create as much hurt as possible?! @OhMyDarling way to kick OP when she's down, you nasty woman.

I would be calling your MIL & telling her exactly why he is there, as he will be lying, (as he is so good at it)
I would be telling my real friends & family that you have put him out as he has been shagging one of your best friends in your bed for a year.
I would get copies of all & every important document, mortgage, pensions, savings. his pay slips. copy everything & take this OUT of the house, leave with your Mum, or at work.
I would empty my share of any joint bank account. Open a new account in your name only. all your salary, savings etc go there now.
I would lock the front door from the inside (including when I was at home) & leave through the back door, so whilst not changing the locks I would make it impossible for him to waltz in at any time.
I would be asking around as many friends as possible for a bulldog divorce lawyer & get informed. Information is strength
I would email him & tell him he can take the Dc out to his mother's/anywhere he wishes between X & Y hours over the w/e
Let him feel the weight of his treachery
Take your time to heal & decide how you want to live.

Most importantly use the Grey Rock technique, listen & respond with as few words as possible
"I will think about it"
"That doesn't work for me"
"All further Correspondence by email"
"I will ask my solicitor"

"

And the re-writing of history starts.
Blame shifting - tick!

Have a read through of THIS THREAD
I was holding off posting it because I though he just might be man enough to own his own actions.
But he is not. So read through this and prepare yourself for everything on there! It is literally a script all cheaters follow.
They have no imagination at all.

It's easy for us, from this side of the keyboard, to say what OP should and shouldn't do.

But sometimes it's hard to do ANYTHING when you're frozen with shock and horror like this. Anyone who's been anywhere near this kind of relationship breakdown knows what it feels like when all the thoughts and worries and memories come down on you at once and the paralysis hits.

Give yourself time, OP. No need to knee-jerk. Do what you want to do and don't be swayed by your H and his self-justifications.

This is nothing to do with you op! However "lonely" he felt, he should have talked to you - not looked elsewhere. It sounds like things are sinking in more now and you are getting stronger. And mad. Good on you. You will get through this and are doing all the right things. Love to you. X

He is the married one, he can leave his job!

i would contact her Ow without husband knowing i guarantee her version will be different to his and somewhere in the middle you will find the truth
once you put the pieces together you can decide what to do

Look at all of your options and take your time.
Gather the paperwork needed to leave, seek legal advice and seek counseling.
Only when you feel you can make an informed, rational decision, do you make one.
Good luck 💐

@SVRT19674 The OW is married, too, and is a close friend of the OP. This isn't a case of an OW who is single and can claim that she hasn't made any marriage vows.

DH at his mum's. I think he's told his mum.
No word from OW or her husband.
My oldest friend coming over later to see me. I've told her and she's outraged (and also gobsmacked as DH seems like last person who would do this - he's a quiet, mildly grumpy man, not at all a womaniser or flirt etc).
I still can't believe I was so cold and hard to live with. Last year DH was very ill and taken to hospital and I looked after him, I sat with him in intensive care every day, worried about him, everything. When I said that to him he claimed not to remember me being especially kind etc. He also said that OW was devastated when he was ill and had to cry about him in secret so her DH wasn't suspicious. I also pointed out that she had messaged me her sympathy at the time and he said "Oh she had to do that or you would have wondered why she wasn't contacting you".
I can't get over this. It's like he's lost his mind.

They have to do it. They have to rewrite your entire relationship in their heads, OP. You HAVE to have been cold, unresponsive, unaffectionate - because otherwise they have to admit that they had an affair 'because they wanted to'. And people just can't admit that to themselves, because it makes them a bad person.

So they tell themselves it was all your fault.

Of course it wasn't. Even, in the tiniest, most infinitesimal event that you were all those things - what was stopping him coming to you and telling you that you seemed cold, unresponsive, unaffectionate, and you needed to either work on your relationship or split up?

The answer to a poor partner isn't to stick your dick in another woman. It's to split up first.

He's just making himself the victim in his own tragedy. And she had to cry alone? Oh, boo hoo, poor her...

I can't get over this. It's like he's lost his mind.

He has to justify his feelings and actions

What he says isn't necessarily factual

But he simply has to make himself feel
Ok about what's happening

Try to ignore what he says for the next few months

It means nothing

Has his mother contacted you to offer any empathy or support?

@Clarrie59 I have been where you are - a supposed friend of 13 years who had an affair with my ex H . She was also married and had children . They played about ending it after her H found out but continued e mailing and calling each other secretly for a year . It was only then that I found out about it . My ex H begged to stay with me as a family and I agreed. It was never the same and TBH I think they probably still kept in contact secretly looking back . My ex H finally left several years later as he wasn't happy and then she left her ex H . They are now together. I have not seen her to this day . Yes I was angry with my H but it is a special kind of bitch who gets involved with this when it is a family she knows. He is rewriting history now to paint you as the bad guy and to justify what he has done. He actually sounds very emotionally invested in this woman . It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do . As yet I have not seen my ex H's affair partner but may well do in the future . I have no idea how I will react .

Next time he says ANYTHING along the lines of being unhappy, you didn't do this or that when you know you did, just give him a withering look and say

'You can shut up now. Nothing you've said over the last couple of days to justify your shitty pathetic affair is true. You're just doing EXACTLY what every other slimy cheat does when they're busted. It's called re-writing history. If you google 'The Script' - you'll see it all written down for you. Because you're not special, she's not special, you've just done what millions of other nasty little cheats do and now you're doing exactly the same now you've been found out. I'm sure she's also lying her head off to her DH right now about how she hasn't been happy and he's neglected her blah blah, and that will be a pack of self-serving lies to make her feel better too. We were happy. I was loyal and loving towards you. FUCK OFF trying to tell me any different just so you can feel like you're not just a low run-of-the-mill cheat.'

Or rather, just copy that into a text and send it to him, with the end words: 'I'm telling everyone. So fuck you again.'

I always thought OW was such a nice, kind person. That's her reputation. A cake-making, friendly, sunny sort of woman, very family-orientated. I would never have thought she and my DH would do this. I just can't get over the shock. I can't believe it. Why would they do this? Her husband isn't a horrible man and seems to dote on her. What would she get out of secret afternoons with my husband? It can't just be sex. And if she loves him why would she break off the relationship with him? I can't make it make sense.

Sorry to do this. It's like a stuck record. I just want an explanation that makes sense I guess.
I've taken the day off work. I haven't heard from DH mum but I think she'll be very upset with him. She's a lovely person.

I’m not sure it will ever make sense and try not to let it drive you mad. I’m glad you told her you knew .

Don’t let him guilt trip into making it your fault . If he was unhappy he could have separated from you etc not shagged the woman at work. That’s so lame and such a cliche.

I have prolonged absences from MN but, without blowing smoke up her arse, I seem to remember that FizzyGreenWater composes excellent suggested texts: there was a woman on here a few years back agonizing about having to take her daughters to her ex's wedding to OW, and Fizzy's draft then was dead on. As is this. Send it, or something very like.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as someone being a kind person or not. There are a so many different reasons to why it could have happened and you’re unlikely to really find out why.

It must be really hard as you are not just weighing up his relationship with you but hers too.

It’s still so fresh. Give yourself plenty of tlc x

Affairs, their deceit, their lies, their warped view of life after it!
Honestly OP. Nothing makes sense.
Nothing ever does and this is why it's such a long hard road to recovery.
This is NO justifcation.
There are no GOOD reasons.
It just doesn't make sense or add up.
And unfortunately OP I have to tell you, it never will.
No matter how much you analyse, go over things, etc. it won't ever make sense.
You will send yourself mad trying to understand it.
You will play things over and over and over and over and over.
You will change the narrative many times to try to understand it.
Truth is, you won't ever get the understanding or closure you need on this.
You will need to go through all the actions though.
We can all tell you not to bother.
We've all been there.
But you will.
It's human nature.