Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

OP, I agree with @HearingMyOwnVoice
It sounds like he is trying to blame you for this! If YOU’d been more affectionate, HE wouldn’t have had the affair. What utter nonsense!
If that was the case (which I doubt based on your “news to me!” comment) then he should have spoken to you about his feelings. Or anything really, apart from be unfaithful! It sounds to me like he’s trying to justify his behaviour by blaming you.
That is extremely manipulative. It’s a shame he can’t even accept responsibility now.
Also OP...if there is any backlash from you telling the OW’s DH or contacting her, then remember you didn’t do anything wrong. All you did was share their secret. Their secret is what hurts.

Oh OP.

I have read all of your posts and I am so so sorry this has happened to you.

I'm really sorry but from everything you said I think that he loves her and is heartbroken that she has finished with him, and is now asking you to stay so that he doesnt end up alone. I know how hard that must be to hear but please please please dont stay with this man.

I know you've been together a long time and that you have many assets together as you've mentioned but that is so not worth being put 2nd. You deserve so much more.

If you stay with him, you know that he will always choose to go back to her if she opens that door again, and you must know you cannot live knowing that.

I really do hope you are coping, just focus on yourself and your kids.

Also good on you for emailing her husband, what an utter bitch. It's a two fold betrayal, from your husband and from your friend.

Well done @Clarrie59 you have been very brave. As always when this happens you will find out more as time goes on. Your husband will try to shift the blame to you because he’s a shit.

He’s already saying you didn’t give him enough attention, he will blame you for causing trouble between them. Be prepared for her husband to carry on as normal while you feel like you’re falling apart.

Keep posting when you need to, know that you will have moments (or days) of weakness and also find strength you didn’t know you had.

I hate this wail of not giving enough attention, during an affair the time together has no distractions, attention is focused on each other in snapshots. In real life we have jobs, bills, kids, Illness, housework, snoring, dirty underwear et al.

Oh OP, he wasn't unhappy for 10 years. That's just a shitty excuse to try to justify things to himself.

People with kids don't get to live lives and have relationships that are entirely unburdened by responsibility and everyday routine - that is the gig. Not the same as unhappiness.

Decent men understand that you cannot live your life in order to prop up their ego every second and, guess what, they don't want it either. Sadly, your DH is not one of those men.

Please get some legal advice, take some breathing space and confide in a friend. Sending you hugs.

Oh OP, he wasn't unhappy for 10 years. That's just a shitty excuse to try to justify things to himself.

People with kids don't get to live lives and have relationships that are entirely unburdened by responsibility and everyday routine - that is the gig. Not the same as unhappiness.

Decent men understand that you cannot live your life in order to prop up their ego every second and, guess what, they don't want it either. Sadly, your DH is not one of those men.

Please get some legal advice, take some breathing space and confide in a friend. Sending you hugs.

Oh OP, he wasn't unhappy for 10 years. That's just a shitty excuse to try to justify things to himself.

People with kids don't get to live lives and have relationships that are entirely unburdened by responsibility and everyday routine - that is the gig. Not the same as unhappiness.

Decent men understand that you cannot live your life in order to prop up their ego every second and, guess what, they don't want it either. Sadly, your DH is not one of those men.

Please get some legal advice, take some breathing space and confide in a friend. Sending you hugs.

How dare he blame you. He must be a really weak person to carry on for 10 years without telling you. It’s a load of rubbish . Excuses for his bad behaviour . What a coward.

Tell him to jog on.

Argh, sorry for the three posts!

He said he thought I didn’t like him or want to be with him and that I ignored him.

He is blaming you for him having sex with a married woman. You know that’s not true, so take that for what it actually is, him saying he is a dishonest cheat who doesnt deserve you.

OP, when you're feeling strong enough, I urge you to go to www.chumplady.com and read it all. She has a book (available on Audible too) "Leave a cheater, gain a life". I would thoroughly recommend it. www.chumplady.com. Lays bare all the utter contemptible crap that they ALWAYS come out with. Honestly, it's textbook. Doesn't make it any easier to go through, though.

He was NOT unhappy for 10 years, it's total, utter bullshit. These liars lie. If you can, I'd actually stop talking to him completely, set up an email address where he can contact you about the children and reach out to friends in real life.

OP, you are doing a great job under the circumstances. Your H will try to blame this on you by saying you were not understanding, affectionate, caring or a million other excuses about your personality or looks. It's all lies. He could have discussed any of this with you over the last decade if he was feeling so terrible. What he did was horrible and there is no justification for it.

Take all the time you need and concentrate on yourself. Please talk it out with close friends or family in RL. Do not feel embarrassed/ ashamed to reach out to people. This is on him and only him.

You can go through this and come out on the other side stronger and happier

You take NO responsibility for his actions!!!
Turn it on you is the classic
I thought you .....,,
I thought you ......,,
Shit talk, he’s just trying to justify
His deplorable behaviour

Nobody stays around for 10yrs
Unhappy, wouldn’t surprise me if he hadn’t had one before her then if he was so unhappy
Utter shite, verbal diarrhoea
He’s talking

Unhappy for 10 years, you didn't show him enough affection, THIS IS HOW HE IS JUSTIFYING HIS VILE BEHAVIOUR! Unbelievable! He is rewriting history and in his narrative he is blaming you for his affair. Not taking any responsibilty. If he was unhappy why didn't he say anything? Because it is bull and he is making up lies to make you the villain. He won't take responsibility for his actions or choices. At the end of the day he was having his cake and eating it. You deserve better! xx

They were was stroking and flattering each others egos and enjoying the illicit nature of it all , and expecting you to accept it .You are worth far more than that , his audacity is breathtaking .

@grenadagirl, exactly this "Unhappy, wouldn’t surprise me if he hadn’t had one before her then if he was so unhappy"

It definitely wasn't my ex's first rodeo. Obviously I didn't find this out until afterwards. As a friend said, "These fuckers were professionals".

@Clarrie59

I don’t know why they would do this. I have always been nice to her. And to him! I thought I was happily married. I still look ok. I’ve got lovely children. I’ve got a job. He said he was unhappy for 10 years. News to me! He said he thought I didn’t like him or want to be with him and that I ignored him. Whereas she was very loving and affectionate. He says she made him feel special. I honestly didn’t think I was unaffectionate. Why couldn’t she make her own husband feel special?

OP - it's a classic tacit.

Re-write history.

Of course he wasn't unhappy for ten years.

However let's play the game that he was.

What did he do about it?

Did he speak to you? Suggest any means by which his concerns could be addressed?

Big fat no I'm guessing.

That's because he wasn't unhappy.

He just wants you and everyone else to think he's been suffering for 10 years (well 9 if we consider the year long affair) in an act of self sacrifice so he's forgiven for being a bastard.

Oops - typo.

Tactic not tacit.

You need to read the chimp lady website. He's a cake eater and the only way to save your marriage is to give him a cold hard shock and show him what he has to lose.

I'm surprised her husband hasn't contacted you, particularly as you were all friends and have been on holiday together.

My mind is playing overtime now, but do you think the OW could have intercepted your message to him?

Perhaps you should try to phone him to ensure he's fully aware!

I was thinking this @londonscalling especially as she’s so worried about what people think of her (!)

I'm all for repairing if you can, but even I know
That you are flogging a dead horse here. LTB.

Clarrie, you are enduring great pain, but are finding the strength and clarity necessary to make proactive decisions. Kudos for insisting on space and for bringing their sordid secret out of the shadows.

This shameless pair have no integrity. They violated your sacred home for illicit sex, showing utter disregard for you and the children. (What kind of sorry father does that?) OW even had the brazen cheek to drive your car. Their arrogance and sense of entitlement know no bounds.

Do not listen to his manipulative blame shifting! He created this false narrative to justify and make room for his infidelity and cruelty. You are not responsible for his unethical choices. Even if he did have some issues with your relationship, he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with them. He is lying. Try to disengage from his unremorseful, self-serving drivel.

Your H has decimated the family. His abusive deflection and refusal to accept responsibility make him an extraordinarily bad bet for rebuilding. Don’t you and your children deserve much better than a life full of mistrust, anxiety and uncertainty? Don’t they deserve a healthy blueprint for their future relationships?

He put his cock in her. He will do it again.

He says she should leave the firm.
He says he should speak to her.
He says you should accept them being friends.

RUN.
He has no respect for you. Sounds like you have none for yourself.
You will always be suspicious and for good reason.
Get out.

Didn't want to read and run @Clarrie59, just sending love and strength.

I know how sickening it is to know there was another woman in your bed.

Ohmydarling why do you think I have no respect for myself?
I have a family to look after here. I have to try to do the best I can for them.
Also I have only known about this for a few days. It’s a lot to take in. And it’s very hurtful. She was my friend and he was supposedly my best friend. Hard to find neither of these things were true.