Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

Well done OP for telling him to move out and also in contacting the OW and her DH.

Next step is to contact a solicitor.

I'm not suggesting you need to make any decision about divorce at this time but it's empowering to get your ducks in a row and understand what you'd be entitled to, what the process is etc before making any choices.

You need to get in the mindset that you are in control now.

What your DH and OW "want" is utterly immaterial.

After seeing a solicitor also try having a think (or even making a list) of what would need to happen for you to stay in the marriage.

Counselling/job change/no contact with OW etc etc

Then think about if you feel you could really put this behind you because that's what you'd ultimately have to do.

Put bluntly I'm not sure I could get past this.

You found out because he'd been dumped and was devastated. He loves her. He had no intention of ending the affair.

I couldn't live with the idea of being some sort of consolation prize which is what he's treating you as - especially when he's demonstrating how little regard he has by wanting to remain friends with his fuck buddy.

Oh my god, it gets worse
So much disrespect for you, from the two of them
I hope her world is now being turned upside down, she deserves it. Blocking you😁 how convenient now
God I want to punch her lights out for you

You tell who you want, let people see him for what he is

Have you told anyone in RL yet .?

@Clarrie59

Ok I had a terrible day at work when I couldn’t really work. I texted her to say that I know what’s going on and I emailed her husband. I haven’t told DH about this. As soon as I texted her she blocked me on everything. No word from her DH. I know a bit more about it now. They were shagging in my house and apparently she even drove my car on one occasion (!). They used to take days off work and go for walks together and to the pub. God! Apparently her biggest fear was that people would find out. Why do it then? I feel sick. And numb.

You did amazingly to go into work- well done. And well done for texting that vile bitch and letting her poor DH know too.

The level of disrespect they've both shown is horrendous. They are awful, awful human beings.

I hope your DH's mum spends the whole time he's with her telling him what an absolute embarrassment he is to her.
I wouldn't let him back now. Bag up his belongings- text him a time and date to come and get them and leave them outside. I would change the locks too- you don't know whether OW has a key if they were using your house as a rendezvous point and if she does have a key what might she use it for now that you've shared her news with her DH?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

"Oh my god, it gets worse
So much disrespect for you, from the two of them
I hope her world is now being turned upside down, she deserves it. Blocking you😁 how convenient now
God I want to punch her lights out for you"

This. Well done, OP. You're amazing. They're disgusting. Hope you have some support IRL also.

Apparently her biggest fear was that people would find out.

Why was her biggest fear not you finding out? You, a friend, who she was betraying? Or her own husband, who she was betraying? Instead, she (and I suspect he) is more worried about being seen as a good person by the world at large, than the people they are meant to care about most.

I'm so sorry op

I echo Dery..

How dare she act like some prancing prom queen who's biggest worry was the local rumour mill, she shows zero insight to any of this

But it really is down to your Husband, he didn't trip dick first in to her, he was never forced.

Once the Adrenalin subsides, you will be able to sit down and start making lists
Of things to be sorted. Take your time ask for help, and know he is no longer your friend, he's going to whine like a bitch now, cause he's got nowhere to go

He really hasn't thought this through, I bet his arse is making buttons as my late great ex mother in law used to say

“I want to punch her lights out for you”

I’m joining that MN queue too, I think it will be a long one.

Well done telling her DH and telling her you know - they don’t deserve protection and I hope they get the full force of people’s disapproval. It may have been”star crossed lovers” but now it’s the full grubby reality and probably ruined for them. An association started with such disregard for others and such deception is nine times out of ten doomed. But that’s not your problem OP. I hope you’ve found some real life support. Rally people around you - take hold of the narrative and let people support you.

Shagging your affair partner in the family home really does take a unique kind of sociopathic cunt. I'm sure, OP, when you look back at your marriage it won't be the only time your husband has behaved with breathtaking entitlement and selfishness.

You will get through this, I promise. Keep posting on here for support and do please reach out to your friends. I had so much support and empathy from everyone, even near-strangers. Nobody could believe it because it's such an awful thing to do. UnMumsnetty hugs x

This has been a bit triggering, obviously. But at the weekend I had a distressed email from my ex's new girlfriend, asking me to confirm whether he was cheating on her. Poor girl. They never change.

Urgh such a class a dickhead. Cheating on your for a year with your friend and then cries on your shoulder cos she's dumped him! I don't often say this op but get rid off him for good and don't look back. You deserve better. He's shown no remorse or respect for you at all. Well done for telling him to leave and letting her husband know. I hope happier times are coming for you. Stay strong it hurts now but you will be OK again. They on the other hand will always be cheating spineless assholes x

@Clarrie59

I wish I could send you a real life bunch of flowers

I can't believe they have both disrespected you this way. He made vows and she is meant to be your friend!

What shocks me more is that she apparently ended it but he wants to meet up with her to tell her he think it should be over too?

1. You don't need to meet up for that!
2. That's not how break ups work. She ended it (apparently) the don't need a separate meeting for him to agree. She ended it. He doesn't have a choice in the matter. He might be trying to persuade her not to end it?

@Clarrie59 have you told anyone in RL, I think you should, you poor lady - sending you hugs and hope you can lean on someone for a while

Septicyanktank I think he wanted to see her in person to tell her that I know about their affair. I don’t understand why either. He could text her. I did think it was probably so he could persuade her to carry on the affair with him.
Who knows? It’s all very weird. I don’t know what any of it means really.
I just feel so sad and that my house is defiled.
I’m glad I’ve told her and her DH now. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being happy at home with her family while all this is going on here.

@Clarrie59

Septicyanktank I think he wanted to see her in person to tell her that I know about their affair. I don’t understand why either. He could text her. I did think it was probably so he could persuade her to carry on the affair with him. Who knows? It’s all very weird. I don’t know what any of it means really. I just feel so sad and that my house is defiled. I’m glad I’ve told her and her DH now. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being happy at home with her family while all this is going on here.

Good on you.

I don’t know why they would do this. I have always been nice to her. And to him! I thought I was happily married. I still look ok. I’ve got lovely children. I’ve got a job.
He said he was unhappy for 10 years. News to me! He said he thought I didn’t like him or want to be with him and that I ignored him. Whereas she was very loving and affectionate. He says she made him feel special.
I honestly didn’t think I was unaffectionate.
Why couldn’t she make her own husband feel special?

@Clarrie59

I don’t know why they would do this. I have always been nice to her. And to him! I thought I was happily married. I still look ok. I’ve got lovely children. I’ve got a job. He said he was unhappy for 10 years. News to me! He said he thought I didn’t like him or want to be with him and that I ignored him. Whereas she was very loving and affectionate. He says she made him feel special. I honestly didn’t think I was unaffectionate. Why couldn’t she make her own husband feel special?

This isn't about how you look or how you acted. He is making excuses for his shitty behaviour. This is not on you x

@Clarrie59

I don’t know why they would do this. I have always been nice to her. And to him! I thought I was happily married. I still look ok. I’ve got lovely children. I’ve got a job. He said he was unhappy for 10 years. News to me! He said he thought I didn’t like him or want to be with him and that I ignored him. Whereas she was very loving and affectionate. He says she made him feel special. I honestly didn’t think I was unaffectionate. Why couldn’t she make her own husband feel special?

This isn't about how you look or how you acted. He is making excuses for his shitty behaviour. This is not on you x

I texted her to say that I know what’s going on and I emailed her husband. I haven’t told DH about this

Don't worry, he'll know - his phone's probably been red hot all day (and did he actually go to his mum's by the way?)

And I'm afraid the "unhappy for 10 years" is simply part of the script, designed to convince himself he didn't have any choice so is blameless. Even if it had been true he could have discussed this with you, but instead he chose to crap all over your marriage

Totally unacceptable

They all come out with this 'unhappy for years' spiel. It's how they justify it to themselves.

None of this is your fault. Dont let him make it your fault.

Funny how he hung around for 10 years sooooooo unhappy......

Bollocks. They just loved the excitement and thrills of shagging while you and her DH were oblivious. Until now.......

@Clarrie59

I don’t know why they would do this. I have always been nice to her. And to him! I thought I was happily married. I still look ok. I’ve got lovely children. I’ve got a job. He said he was unhappy for 10 years. News to me! He said he thought I didn’t like him or want to be with him and that I ignored him. Whereas she was very loving and affectionate. He says she made him feel special. I honestly didn’t think I was unaffectionate. Why couldn’t she make her own husband feel special?

So he’s blaming you? Even if he did feel there was a lack of affection the correct route is to speak to your partner about that....is it not?

Has he been apologetic at all. You’d expect someone decent in this situation to be asking for forgiveness, saying sorry and trying their best to repair a relationship with you!

Yes, don’t let him turn this on you. If he hadn’t felt happy for years he should have talked about it. Not gone off with someone else and crept around lying and cheating. The self centred bastards.

If they're such a great match, they can fuck off together into the sunset.

Well then he’s had at least 10 years to try to talk to you about it.

It’s not your fault x

Believe me he will bitterly regret all this just as soon as reality hits. Of course you were not unaffectionate he is just casting around for some way to make this your fault - when it clearly isn't. The OW was an ego trip allowing this sad little shit of a man to see himself as an exciting Romeo. Get angry, really angry because this waste of space has cheated you out of years of your life. You deserve so much better See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row and then kick this pathetic man out of your life and give yourself the chance to find happiness.