Husband's affair advice needed

[Clarrie59]

Hello,
I recently found out my DH was having an affair with a woman at work. He has worked with her for several years and we counted her as a friend before whatever went on went on. They were intimate for a year apparently. He says they have broken up (her doing).
I insisted that they no longer work together if there is any chance of repairing my marriage and he told me she would leave the firm. She is reluctant to leave, but insists their relationship will only be as friends from now on. However she also told him (I read an email) that she hopes he will still give her a hug and a kiss when she needs it.
This is not someone who has ended a relationship is it?

Massive hugs

You can do this and you will get stronger
Your just in shock, so take time for you

he wants to see her and tell her he thinks it's over too

You seem to have inadvertently been married to a teenager all these years. All this high drama and crying over 'being dumped' and wanting to do the 'no, YOU'RE dumped!'... he's treating you as though you are his mother not his wife. Does he think that, if he does 'poor little boy' for long enough that you will want to cuddle it all better?

He needs to grow up. Fast. The shit is about to get very real, very quickly for him. OW will panic and be backtracking like crazy once she knows you know, to save herself, and your DH is going to be torn to shreds by her. Don't let him use you as his safety net, to pour out how awful it is for poor little him...

The anger is due to hit you any time now. Be kind to YOURSELF. It's the most awful, unbearable pain and you are in shock. Don't let the anger destroy you, use it constructively to decide what YOU want and where you want to go from here. Doesn't matter what he wants, this is all about you now.

Sadly you need to remember, He was sobbing because he wanted to keep this going.
He is back-peddling as she has bottled & now he risks having nothing, not her, & as 2nd prize not you either?
In your shoes I would be calling the woman,& tell her you know, you don't know where this leaves your sham of a marriage, but she can be sure that her husband will be kept informed.
She does not get to waft back into her happy home & hide this.

Bloody hell you're doing well to be able to face going into work. It makes sense you've asked him to leave and have some space to think.

This "family friend" is probably having a lovely day today - you are not. This isn't right, tell her husband, he needs to know otherwise you're part of the secret - all the children in this need to learn that actions have consequences and whatever you decide with your marriage is now up to you, but you can't move on until it's all out in the open with her and her husband imo.

Hope you're doing okay today @Clarrie59

You're doing really well, OP, to be going into work. You'll get through this. It's good that your H will be staying with him mum for a few days, you really need space to get your head around all of this.

Gone to work! Your doing bloody marvellous if you can manage to do that

Your probably on auto pilot for a lot of things, but please take time out for YOU
An hour at a time

Let him bloody explain to his mother why he wants to stay there

I have asked DH to go to his mums.

Here's where you find out if he has any respect for you. If he really does love you and want to fix the marriage, he'll listen to what you need right now, and see how hurt you are.

Great that you've got your H out. Hopefully having some space will help you clear your head and start to feel your anger.

And you're amazing going to work - I would definitely not have managed that but hopefully the normality of it will be helpful.

Thinking of you @Clarrie59. I read awful things on MN all the time and just when I think that surely someone can’t go any lower, along comes a post like yours and I’m flabbergasted all over again. Wishing you lots of strength. Your DH is a fool and you deserve SO much better. That “friend” is a lowlife and I feel sorry for her DH too.

Hope you are managing at work, Clarrie. Glad to hear dh is out of it for the moment.

I think he loves OW. He told me she made him feel happy every day.
When you've been married to someone for 20 years, of course it's exciting to have a new relationship. And it being a Romeo and Juliet situation, where it's not allowed and you have to romantically steal tiny moments together, makes it all the more exciting.
It is the "hearts and flowers", "spring is in the air" infatuation you get at the start of a relationship. Of course that makes the normal everyday life you have with your partner after 20 years look relatively bland by comparison. And when you're having an affair, your subconscious is wildly trying to justify it so that you can tell yourself you are not the bad guy. Some cheaters do this by deciding that their marriage was dead. Others decide that the marriage was never that exciting, and that the OW is their first real experience of love - it being so romantic that that trumps their faithfulness.

Almost all of the stuff that he comes out with now will be this kind of justification and teenage romance stuff. You don't have to take any of it at face value.

I let my exh get on with his new love affair. A few years down the line she found a new love of her life and cheated on exh with the new guy. Now exh has a new love of his life, though that also seems to be getting a bit tarnished already. So my relationship with him lasted 15 years longer than his with wonderful OW... guess I win!

Just because your dh fancies this new woman, that does not mean that she is nicer than you, or that your relationship was crap, or anything of the kind. It means that your dh was unfaithful. That may be because he didn't value your marriage as much any more. Or he might only now be appreciating how much he values it, and what a dick he's been, now he's mucked it up. You will know how much of a dick he can be.

Sorry to hear about this OP. I really am. You must feel so hurt.

How do you feel about your DH?
Do you still want to be with him? Can you trust him again? Our feelings of love don’t disappear overnight, but you have suffered a huge betrayal from a husband and a female friend too.
That text with a pic and “home soon after a long day” takes the biscuit. I don’t doubt a bit of her feels guilty too, but I’m not sure I’d be able to get the image of them having sex out of my head.

It’s not that easy just to get another job especially at the moment. I don’t mean to defend your DH or her, but I imagine if either family lost that income it wouldn’t be good?

Maybe this is a crazy idea and I have no experience of affairs, apart from uni bfs dumping me for other girls they started seeing, but can you invite her over and have a discussion about it with your DH too. It seems like your DH is trying to tell you one thing/her another. You need to stop allowing him to dictate what happens. You deserve better @Clarrie59

Actually, I don't think all this 'He loves her, OP' is helpful at all because it contrives to enhance her mystique - that she's more attractive/intelligent/interesting/funny/sexy than you, which I strongly doubt. Quite apart from anything else, she's been fucking your husband (very possibly in your house), making a fool of you and her own husband, and presumably getting some sort of weird kick from sending you pictures of him at work. So how great can she be? If he loves her it's because she's vile and so is he and they're recognizing it in each other.

To top everything, he doesn't want you to tell the OW know that you are aware of the affair and wants to do it himself!!! He will no doubt be lying to her and telling her what he thinks she wants to hear. Get on the phone to the OW yourself and tell her that you will also be contacting her husband. He deserves to know!l

Ok I had a terrible day at work when I couldn’t really work. I texted her to say that I know what’s going on and I emailed her husband. I haven’t told DH about this.
As soon as I texted her she blocked me on everything. No word from her DH.
I know a bit more about it now. They were shagging in my house and apparently she even drove my car on one occasion (!). They used to take days off work and go for walks together and to the pub. God! Apparently her biggest fear was that people would find out. Why do it then?
I feel sick. And numb.

What a horrible, cruel, selfish pair. Tell as many people as you like. You owe her nothing.

Nice idea about inviting her over LemonRabbit! I’d have to hide all the kitchen knives (joke).

I'm glad you told her DH. Imagine if he'd suggested a get together and you had to pretend to be nice and friendly and that you didn't know!

So sorry. I hope you eventually realize that what you thought you had is gone. Forever. Destroyed by your DH.
I hope you find your anger and kick him to the kerb. He deserves to lose everything. Fancy telling his WIFE that he loves some one else and crying to his WIFE that she left him. Not the other way. He'd still be fucking her if he could.

You dont need to tell your DH anything.

Did he tell you when he was shagging around? No. So you owe him nothing.

Its natural to want to know everything but try not too, the knowledge can only hurt you.

Huge, huge hugs. Is there anyone you can ring to come round and support you for a while? It may be worth taking some time off work too.

Well done, Clarrie. Do you think the husband had any idea?

Well done op. Very very well done. Your dh reaction will tell you where his head is really at.
You don't have to tell him you've done it. He didn't give you the same courtesy that he'd decided to shag your friend. So fuck him

She will have told him anyway. Are they in work together today?

@Clarrie59

Ok I had a terrible day at work when I couldn’t really work. I texted her to say that I know what’s going on and I emailed her husband. I haven’t told DH about this. As soon as I texted her she blocked me on everything. No word from her DH. I know a bit more about it now. They were shagging in my house and apparently she even drove my car on one occasion (!). They used to take days off work and go for walks together and to the pub. God! Apparently her biggest fear was that people would find out. Why do it then? I feel sick. And numb.

Oh my god they are fucking gross. Pair of absolute rotters. You poor poor thing. At least he's been so bloody awful you hopefully have full body ick and realise there's no way to resolve this. I'm so impressed you even went to work today, goes to show how much stronger you are than that wankstain crying over his OW to his own wife!

Well done OP! I know you'll feel like you've been run over but you've done entirely the right thing.

As for that pair, they deserve each other.

OW is worried " her family are suspicious? "

I'd make damn sure her husband knows she's having an affair with yours and how long its been going on.

I'd also tell DH's mother. who her son has been unfaithful with.

Nothing like a bit of grit to scrape the shine off their romance.