Husband makes me feel awful

Musti · 14/07/2020 01:21

He sounds abusive to me and he is gas lighting you and he is starting on the children. That is no way to live. It doesn't sound like the kids will end up wanting to spend much time with him if you divorce.

DarkHelmet · 14/07/2020 01:32

He sounds like my exh and somehow you need to find it in yourself to get out of such a toxic environment - for you and your DC. This will be impacting on them. But you already know that. You and your DC deserve better.

Bunnymumy · 14/07/2020 01:37

Basically, he is an abusive shit.
And no, your children are not better off if you stay. If you stay they will have to see their mother suffer and have to deal with his shit 24/7. They will think this is normal and go on to date similarly abusive shitheads.

If you leave you are showing them it is not ok for him to treat women this way. And giving them a safe environment where they can retreat to with you at least some of the time. They will also get to see their mother happy again.

Yes divorce is horrible. But growing up with their father abusing their mother and her claiming this is somehow 'for their sake' is ten times worse. And nonsense.

SoulofanAggron · 14/07/2020 01:51

I was glad my parents divorced because my dad was a twat and we all had to walk on eggshells. They separated when I was about 18.

If they'd done it years before I might not have been left with an anxiety disorder and unable to work, because not being able to relax at home I believe damaged my growing brain.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2020 01:55

The thing is, you don't prevent him being an arsehole when he's with you. All that staying means is that they have his horrible presence all the time.

Anordinarymum · 14/07/2020 02:09

@Adviceneeded2020

Hi sorry I have just opened an account to post this but have had other accounts in the past.

I am really worried about what's happened to my relationship and wondering whether to stay and I just need advice as I can't talk to anyone IRL.

Over the last few years my relationship with DH has got very negative. He criticises me constantly. There will always be something I have done wrong. I've been sitting and thinking about it and I can't remember tha last time he praised me. I work part time but am at home with the kids at the moment and am doing my work remotely in the evenings and at weekends
I find myself rushing around in the half hour before he's due home tidying up and cleaning.( I have three kids and have been homeschooling 2 while looking after a toddler and keeping up with my work so the housework doesn't really get much of a look in during the week)so that he has nothing to criticise when he walks in, he always finds something. As soon as he walks in he checks where my phone, keys and purse are. I am quite forgetful and clumsy and have lost these things in the past so have never minded him doing it but just recently I've found it a bit overbearing, he shouts at me if they are not where they should be. They are almost always somewhere sensible like my handbag or occasionally on the side but this will then lead to a lecture about putting them back in the right place. I suppose I am older now and what I used to see as sweet is making me feel claustrophobic.

He always criticise everything I do and so I end up not doing it and be takes over. When I food shop I spend too much or forget something vital, when he goes he comes home raving about how well he's done and how little he's spent and how we will make it last all week. If he forgets something and I say something he gets arsey and says things like "I can't be expected to do everything"

The real thing that upsets me is how it's impacting on the children. He snaps at them for the smallest things. He was really shouting at DS today because he woke up with a nightmare. He also snaps at me in front of them and belittles me. DS woke up because of a nightmare but shortly before I had gone to bed and made what he considered to be too much noise so he came up and shouted at me for waking DS up, in front of DS. I don't know how to deal with that. If I argue back then we are arguing in front of them which is horrible and if I take it then I am teaching them it's ok.

To offer balance I am difficult in many ways, I'm quite disorganised so I do mislay things and I'm not great with money and often overspend although I feel I am improving. Our finances aren't great as a family but we both have steady incomes and are gradually getting our debts down. I know he worries about money and I add to it in his opinion. I don't buy myself treats, if I buy clothes I try and get second hand. I only buy things for the children, food and pay for outings for us and gifts for others. (Obviously no outings at moment) but money is tight and he doesn't really understand how much things like school uniform and shoes cost so it causes a lot of arguments. I also know that we don't always agree on parenting, he sees me as soft but I have a much more gentle but firm approach where he would shout, send to rooms and withhold pocket money I would prefer to talk to the children about their behaviour, use natural consequences and try and look for root causes (like tiredness)

So basically our marriage has become toxic. I never talk to him about anything I'm thinking or feeling because I don't feel he will listen to me and I don't feel he cares about me. When I try he often answers in a way which makes me think he hasn't even heard me or brushes my statement off as untrue or misguided. He doesn't know or take an interest in things going on in my life. If something happened to me that wasn't going to directly affect him I don't know if I would even bother to tell him, he wouldn't care! As a result of all this I would say I have forgotten how I used to feel. I see an angry bitter man when I look at my husband. So it may seem obvious I should leave but he isn't always this bad. He has days where he is quite sweet and most days he will text me a nice message or ring at lunch and tell me about his day. The main reason that I can't just leave is that my parents divorced when I was DS' age and it was horrendous. I really struggled with it and have had counselling as an adult as a result. I just don't want my children to go through what I went through. I know some divorces can be amicable but I am sure ours wouldn't be. I witnessed horrible arguments and I'll never forget them.

So can anyone offer me their opinions/advice? Do you think marriage counselling would help us? Do you think the children are better watching is argue or seeing us divorce? If we divorce and it means they spend half their time with him will it mean they spend half their time walking on eggshells like me? Aren't they better off with me here to prevent that all the time?

He's gaslighting you. He sounds horrible to me. Who says you are clumsy? Why do you put up with it ?

freeingNora · 14/07/2020 02:14

Leave it's over as soon as the abuse happens to your children that's it.

That's not love womens aid, the freedom program

Life was meant to be lived not endured. Things will only get worse from here on in. The abuse is always worse then you think it is because you've become so conditioned to it.

Please leave get a plan and go or maybe he can go but you can't stay like this it's hurting your children

I was you and I tried to endure it until he tried to kill us 12 months on life is better but we all have ptsd I have cptsd from the years of abuse. Once
the fog clears you realise what has happened but life can and will get better

Please keep talking and hide your phone so he can't read this thread there are some secret apps you can get to make records and write things down it willl help please feel free to message me

Anordinarymum · 14/07/2020 02:22

It's awful to say but there are shades of the current Coronation Street story in this.

overlooker · 14/07/2020 02:24

I’m in the same boat so reading this thread with interest

1forAll74 · 14/07/2020 02:38

You would surely be better off without this angry and controlling man,as you are just enduring a life at the moment,which is making you very unhappy, and it will be confusing and unhappy for your children also.

I don't know if you can ever talk to your Husband about his controlling and unpleasant ways, as you know him best, although he might well be stubborn and uncaring so you may not get anywhere with this. But you need to make some decisions about making your life better, and happier.

Lifeisconfusing · 14/07/2020 03:31

I would have a heart to heart with him (date night) explain you think the marriage is toxic and your not happy and you assume he’s not happy too as he’s often snappy and shouty. Maybe talking about it and trying to work through the issues he sounds very stressed does he realise what he is doing and how it’s making you feel? Tell him if things don’t change you are leaving once and for all ( tell him you don’t want your children to have memories of there parents arguing) I hope you get clarity op 💕

Bunnymumy · 14/07/2020 04:29

But pp you should never have to explain to someone that their horrible behaviour, isn't acceptable. Stress might excuse the odd angry outburts or bit of irritability (but even then it should be followed by them feeling bad about the way they acted and appologising) but it doesnt excuse ongoing nastiness, gaslighting and treating the children badly.

It is NEVER a persons job to explain to a full grown adult why their obviously unacceptable behaviour, is unacceptable. If you find yourself doing that, it's a real indicator that you are with an abuser.

Anordinarymum · 14/07/2020 04:33

@Bunnymumy

But pp you should never have to explain to someone that their horrible behaviour, isn't acceptable. Stress might excuse the odd angry outburts or bit of irritability (but even then it should be followed by them feeling bad about the way they acted and appologising) but it doesnt excuse ongoing nastiness, gaslighting and treating the children badly.

It is NEVER a persons job to explain to a full grown adult why their obviously unacceptable behaviour, is unacceptable. If you find yourself doing that, it's a real indicator that you are with an abuser.

Totally agree with this

category12 · 14/07/2020 06:39

Explaining to an abusive person that they are abusive really doesn't help.

Op, he's not a good father and is in fact damaging them with his abusive behaviour.

He shouted at your child for having a nightmare. Really think about that.

Needtogetbackinthesack · 14/07/2020 08:36

My parents has a horrendous divorce and I ended up having counselling. A year ago I left a man who sounds like your husband. I too was worried about the kids spending so much time with him and how that would impact them. Actually what it's done is given me the opportunity to work on myself so that I can set a better example to them and am refreshed and ready to support them when they have a bad time with him. When we lived together i was ground down 100% of the time and could barely look after myself never mind parent well.

This is no way for you or the kids to live.

Original poster

Adviceneeded2020 · 14/07/2020 09:41

He sounds abusive to me and he is gas lighting you

Could you explain how he is gaslighting? I don't really understand that term

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 14/07/2020 09:50

He is horrible OP. My ex was a bit like this. Very quick to criticise me all the time even though I pretty much did everything. if the house was a bit messy or if I had just cleaned something he would find fault with it. Never had a nice word to say to me. He wore me down to the point I just couldn't take any more. Each time he does this he is chipping away at you. Leave him before there is nothing left.

Original poster

Adviceneeded2020 · 14/07/2020 09:51

Thank you so much for all your message. I do feel like I've made him out to be worse than he is because I was tired and upset last night. There are women with really abusive husbands and I think mine is just grumpy! It's just that the grumpiness used to be occasional now it's almost constant. He is affectionate with he children and plays with them sometimes. He is there for bedtime too. He just shouts at us a lot.

I would have a heart to heart with him (date night) explain you think the marriage is toxic and your not happy and you assume he’s not happy too as he’s often snappy and shouty.

I've spoken to him about it and how it makes me feel. He gets annoyed when I say things and turns it back on me. Usually saying something like, "I'll try not to shout but you really need to be more strict with them" which basically means it's my fault. I really think he hates me and blames me for everything that's wrong in his life. I've tried writing letters, sending messages etc to give him time to read them before we talk about it. Sometimes things change for a bit then they get bad again. He just is a really grumpy man and very very hard to live with.

OP posts:

whattimeisitrightnow · 14/07/2020 09:52

I got as far as the bit about him yelling at you if your keys etc. aren’t in the right place before I knew he was abusive. Just the fact that he ‘checks’ is infantilising, but the anger and lectures afterwards are completely unacceptable.
The other stuff - especially the impact you say it is having on your children - all just adds to the list of reasons why you should end things/leave. This won’t get better. I know that must be so hard to come to terms with, but it won’t. He isn’t going to suddenly become the DH you need him to be. In all likelihood, things will get worse.

Original poster

Adviceneeded2020 · 14/07/2020 09:55

In his defence I do lose things a lot more than the average person. I once dropped the keys down the drain. If I've let the keys somewhere or will impact on him too as it's his home/car so I do see why he worries about it.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 14/07/2020 09:59

You're backtracking a lot OP.

He just shouts at us a lot

You know this isn't normal or a healthy environment for you and DC, right?

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2020 10:13

He is treating you like an incompetent child not like his equal wife. Its a bad situation already for your children

Original poster

Adviceneeded2020 · 14/07/2020 10:57

You're backtracking a lot OP i was just surprised to wake up to so many posts calling him abusive. I am not sure it's abuse because in some ways he is lovely. its just he seems to be unable to stop shouting at us and losing his temper.When things are fine, he is fine. He hates the kids shouting and screaming and struggles with the noise.

We had 2 weeks in lockdown all in the house together and it was so stressful because i did activities with them that made noise/ mess and he hated it. I just think he needs to get his head around the fact that children make mess and noise and it doesn't mean they are naughty I just wish he would realise he is being unreasonable. I cant imagine for a minute he would ever think what he is doing is abusive. I can't decide if i am overreacting? Maybe marriage counselling would help?

OP posts:

Original poster

Adviceneeded2020 · 14/07/2020 10:57

He is treating you like an incompetent child not like his equal wife. ive said this to him. He says I act like a child.

OP posts:

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 14/07/2020 11:25

@Adviceneeded2020

In his defence I do lose things a lot more than the average person. I once dropped the keys down the drain. If I've let the keys somewhere or will impact on him too as it's his home/car so I do see why he worries about it.

I would lay you any money you like that would stop once you don't have to worry about what he has to say about a situation. I lose stuff a lot too - but I don't have a critical arsehole breathing down my neck.

Oh and do you really lose stuff? Well, you're entitled to with two kids and a toddler..... I'd be lucky if I could find all three children at the end of the day.... but are you sure he doesn't move things?